by Margaret Kay
Cooper nodded his head and took another drink of the coffee. “Do you really think she thinks she has to be better and tougher than a guy?”
Lassiter nodded that he did. “So, what has to happen for her to be a strong member of the team in your opinion?”
“Recognizing and celebrating a win with the rest of us would be a great start,” Coop said and then took the last drink of his coffee. He and Lassiter stared at each other for several silent seconds. “Are we done here?”
“For tonight. We’ll revisit your feelings towards her at another time, before she returns to the team.”
Great, just fucking great. “I’ll make an appointment.”
After Cooper left, Lassiter took a nap on the couch in his office, his prosthetic leg removed for comfort. It wasn’t the first time he had been called in, in the middle of the night to talk with an arriving team and he was sure it wouldn’t be the last. It was a first though, that he had to call out a team lead for having feelings for a teammate that were inappropriate and against regulations.
The next morning, Lassiter considered that as he made himself a cup of coffee. John Cooper was as straight of an arrow as they came. He defined following protocols. Madison Miller was something special though. That he would admit. He wasn’t sure how Shepherd would react if he found out, but he sure as hell wouldn’t be the one that told Shepherd unless he felt it would cause a problem on the team. And as far as he knew, it hadn’t. Cooper hadn’t acted on his feelings. He doubted Madison even knew of Cooper’s feelings for her, or if she did, and had them as well, she sure covered it well.
He took the stairs up to Shepherd’s apartment, pressed his hand to the scan pad and entered. He found Shepherd in his home gym off his master bedroom suite doing his therapy, strung up on a harness, ‘walking’ on the treadmill.
“It’s nice to see you’re hitting the PT this morning,” Lassiter said from the door. “Doc was worried you had backed off.” He threw a very pointed look in Shepherd’s direction.
Shepherd laughed aloud. “Two hours a day isn’t enough for him?”
“You were doing two hours twice a day. You cut your time in half.”
“All the good it did. Look, the healing has plateaued out. The specialist has said this is probably the most feeling and use I’m going to get back. I accept it. Isn’t that what we’ve been working towards, my acceptance of my condition?”
Lassiter strode all the way into the room and came up beside the treadmill. “Probably, the specialist said probably. Nothing is written in ink, Sam. If pushing yourself makes you stronger, reinforces muscle memory to help heal the nerves or even has the slightest chance to enhance and increase the ability of the nerves to heal themselves, why wouldn’t you do it?”
Shepherd was huffing and puffing, the pace heavy. He was clearly pushing himself. His clothing was soaked. Sweat poured from his face and neck. His massive, bare arms that swelled from the tank top, glistened with sweat. He slowed the speed of the treadmill. Cool down mode. “Are you here to give me a report on Alpha Team and the Inverness Academy Op or bust my balls?”
“Both.”
Shepherd laughed. He toweled off as he continued his slower pace. “I read your prelim. You met with Miller, Doc and Cooper last night.”
“Yes, after a short conversation with Garcia and Jackson, I sent them both home. I’ll see them this morning, but I don’t expect any issues with either of them.”
“Because of Angel’s pregnancy, Jackson may be more affected than you anticipate.”
“After his baby arrives, and he holds his child in his arms, yes. Right now, it’s not concrete enough for the Inverness case to get to him.”
Shepherd accepted it. Lassiter knew everyone on the team very well. “You ordered both Miller and Doc out two days.”
“Yes. They both need the time away. I will see them both at their homes this afternoon.”
“You got anything for me?”
Lassiter chuckled. “Not yet. You know better than to ask.”
“I’m not worried about Doc, but this was Miller’s first Op with us.”
“I have no reason to be concerned,” Lassiter replied. “You’ll get my update later this afternoon.”
“And Cooper?”
A gut-check feeling hit Lassiter. He reminded himself there was nothing to report. “I’ll keep him involved as her SO. He has some work to do in that area.” He was sure Shepherd had no clue about Cooper’s feelings.
Shepherd laughed. He turned the treadmill off and took hold of the control to the sling device. “This is good for him, will make him stretch himself into uncomfortable territory. He’s a hell of an Operator and a top mission commander, but he does not possess the personality traits of an STO, a drill instructor maybe, but that’s not the role we need him to take with this. Watch that for me, will you, Joe?”
Lassiter assured him he would and then left. Yeah, he would watch that very closely. He had appointments with both Garcia and Jackson scheduled but he wanted to squeeze in a workout in the gym and get a shower first. He took the stairs down to the gym and the locker rooms.
November
Madison opened her front door before Doctor Joe Lassiter even made it up the sidewalk to the porch. His limp was less noticeable with the long, even strides he took closing the distance as he approached.
She forced a smile. Talking with him was the last thing she wanted to do. He complimented her home as he entered. She led him to the living room couch, and they sat beside each other, on opposite ends. She pressed her back against the arm, so she faced him, tucked her legs under herself, and picked up the mug of green tea she had made earlier that she was nursing.
“Can I offer you a cup of coffee, tea, or hot cocoa?”
Lassiter shook his head no, taking in her appearance. She wore an oversized Army sweatshirt and black leggings. Her hair was in a messy bun on her head and she wore no makeup. He was happy she hadn’t fixed herself up due to his arrival. She had to feel comfortable enough with him to be herself in this way, which was a win as far as he was concerned.
“Did you sleep last night?”
“Don’t you mean this morning? Technically, it was morning when I got home.”
Lassiter raised an eyebrow.
“Yes, for a few hours. I’ve kind of just vegged all day today.”
“Did you think any more about what we talked about?”
Madison snorted out a cynical laugh. “I’ve done nothing but think about the Op and everything after, couldn’t turn it off.”
“Did you come to any realizations?”
“Yes, the whole situation was fucked up. Those children were supposed to be safe, not used like they were. It sickens me and pisses me off.”
Lassiter was pleasantly surprised by her response, open with her thoughts. He’d see how open she’d remain. He planned to push her hard. “Do you still feel bad for the beat down you gave those two?”
“I’m pissed I lost control, but no, I don’t feel bad about it. They deserved it.”
“Cooper said you wouldn’t talk with him about it.”
“There was nothing to talk about. We saved that little girl and got the bad guys. And we figured out exactly what happened to Molly Corbin, our mission.” She smirked at herself, reciting Cooper’s words.
“That’s bullshit and we both know it,” Lassiter said. “And so does Cooper, by the way. Look, he’s your SO. You have to lean on him and open up to him. Unless there’s some reason you don’t feel comfortable doing so.”
“No reason. It’s just not in my makeup, okay? There was no reason to lean on him, nothing going on that I needed him in that capacity for.”
Lassiter’s pale blue eyes were unblinking. They held hers. He again waited her out.
After several silent seconds she spoke again. “Look, when it was over, I was shaken-up because I lost control, but I knew I just needed some time to deal with it in my own way, and talking to Cooper at that moment, that was not my way.”
“I can respect that,” Lassiter said, his gaze softening. “How about next time you tell him that rather than clamming up?”
“I didn’t realize he expected that. Sure, whatever he expects I’ll do next time.” Honestly, in the future she would do whatever they wanted to avoid this conversation.
Lassiter laughed. “Madison, it’s not about doing what anyone expects. It’s about feeling like a member of the team.”
“I do.”
“Bull-shit!”
“Jesus Christ! What do you want from me?”
Lassiter came to his feet and stepped in front of her. He extended a hand to her. “Stand up.”
“Why?”
“Just stand up.”
She didn’t take his hand, but she reluctantly stood. He took the mug from her hand and sat it on the table. He motioned her to the open area to the side of the couch. He went behind her.
“Arms out and fall backwards,” he ordered.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me?”
“Fall back or you will not be cleared for duty.”
“Fuck!” She cursed. “Fine.”
Then she held her arms out to her sides and fell straight back. She never liked the trust game, not since she’d been dropped during a sleep over in the sixth grade. Lassiter of course caught her, stopping her fall low to the ground. He immediately pushed her back up to her feet. She turned to face him. The expression on her face was one of outrage, anger, and confusion.
“Not only do you have to feel secure enough with your team members to fall back, knowing they’ll catch you, but you have to feel safe enough to tell them afterwards that you were afraid they’d let you hit the ground too.”
“I didn’t see anyone else going all Kumbaya.”
“Then you weren’t paying attention to the support Doc got from Jackson and Garcia. And he needed it. He’d had to sedate a hysterical little girl, and he killed a man. Do you think anyone with human feelings can go through that without needing the support of his teammates?”
Madison thought back to after the Op. She tuned out the men’s conversation on the chopper before Cooper switched their comms to private. Whatever they may have said to each other didn’t register. And on the Lear, after she reclined her chair, she put in her ear buds and listened to music to drowned out all noise, so she could sleep, which she did right away.
“They’ve all been together a long time, have real and deep friendships.”
“Cop out. I’m calling bull-shit on that too. You were in the wrong. You clammed up and cut yourself off from your team after a successful Op. Fuck, Madison, if you do that when it’s a success, how are you going to react when it all goes south?”
Madison shook her head. Tears filled her eyes. “And when I cry it pisses me off too!” She swiped a tear away. When her gaze again met Lassiter’s. A smile spread across his scarred face and he was holding back laughter. “You find that funny?”
“No, just very human, and open of you to admit it.” He looped an arm around her shoulder and drew her in for an embrace. She stiffened in his arms, but he didn’t end the hug. When he released her, his hand still held her shoulder. “Madison, you don’t have to be Xena all the time. You can show you’re human, but the key is, you have to show something. Each member on the team is different and the dynamics evolve to support each different personality. That’s what makes it a team. If you had openly said to your teammates, you lost it and would have beat the shit out of those two, had Cooper not pulled you off, that would have invited dialogue and support. They probably would have agreed with you that they too wouldn’t have been able to control themselves. They may have even asked you how satisfying it felt. It wouldn’t have brought condemnation. It would have brought you closer as a team.”
“It felt like weakness, losing it. And I didn’t want to sound whiney or unprofessional by talking about it.”
Lassiter shook his head no. “That is not how it would have been perceived. Look, Madison, you can be a very strong member of this team, but you have to trust them with your emotions as much as with your life. When Yvette was directing you through the building, telling you which corridor to go down, where the Tangos were, to move your ass, you didn’t hesitate for a second following her direction. You knew what tools she was using in Ops to advise you. You trusted her and the tools. You need to extend that blind trust to your team mates in all ways.”
Madison thought about that and understood what he was saying, but could she trust them that blindly with her emotions? She truly felt it could come back and bite her. “I’ll try.”
Lassiter got ready to leave, promising to have an early appointment on her calendar Thursday morning when she returned. “But if you want to talk before then, just text or call me.”
She promised she would and then walked him to the door. She watched him get into his car and pull away.
After Lassiter left, Madison was too keyed up to take a nap as she had planned. She went for a run instead. In just the past few weeks the leaves on the trees had turned all sorts of vibrant shades of orange, yellow, and red. The air was scented with the unmistakable aroma of fall in the Midwest. The air was cool, a crisp fifty degrees for the high. She took it all in, forcing herself to recognize the sights, the sounds, and the smells all around her as she pushed herself hard, her feet pounding the pavement for well over an hour.
She was dripping wet when she arrived back at her house. She stripped her drenched clothes off and headed right to her master bathroom where she took a steamy, long shower. By the time she combed her hair and redressed in yoga pants and a clean sweatshirt, it was pitch-black outside. She was towel-drying her hair when she heard her doorbell. She wasn’t expecting anyone.
Madison viewed the front porch on her phone through the security app that came with her new security system, thank you Shepherd Security, to find Cooper standing on her front porch. Great, he was the last person she wanted to see.
She hit the talk button and spoke into her phone. “I’ll be right down.”
John Cooper wore that cocky smile when she opened the door. He had a pizza box and a six pack of beer in his hands.
“What are you doing here?”
Cooper laughed. “Isn’t that obvious? I brought pizza and beer. Are you going to let me in, or what?”
She swung the door wide and stepped aside. He closed the door behind himself and followed her into the kitchen. He looked around before his eyes settled on hers. “Nice place.”
“Thanks.” She knew her voice wasn’t overly friendly. “Cooper?”
He interrupted her. “John. We’re off duty and away from the office. Make it John.”
Her lips tipped up into a grin she was fighting. “John, what are you doing here? Did Lassiter send you?”
He sat the pizza box and beer to the kitchen table. “You got any plates. I’m starving. I had to smell it all the way over here.”
She shook her head but did grab two plates from the cabinet. He handed an opened beer her way as she sat the plates beside the pizza. She had to admit. It smelled heavenly. She hadn’t realized how hungry she was till that moment.
He took his black leather jacket off and hung it over the back of one of the chairs. He wore a dark tan Henley shirt beneath, that clung to his defined muscles and matched the color of his eyes. She pulled her eyes away and pushed those thoughts from her head. Boss, teammate, not for you!
“Why did you bring pizza? Did Lassiter send you?” She repeated.
Cooper laughed as he served up pizza slices on both plates. “I had to guess what you liked on it. If you pick anything off, toss it over onto my plate, will you?” He took a bite.
She watched him expectantly.
“And no, Lassiter didn’t send me. I haven’t talked to him since this morning. I’m sure after his visit with you and then with Doc he went home to his wife. It had been a long day for him.”
Madison took a long drink from the bottle. The amber fluid tasted great going down. She
should have thought of this herself, a cold beer or two this evening to help unwind. She deserved it. She didn’t have any alcohol in the house, not even a bottle of wine.
She wasn’t sure if she believed Cooper or not. “Okay, so why are you here?”
He laughed. “Because I’m your SO and if you are anything like me, you have zero food in this house that isn’t frozen or in a can. You probably put yourself through a grueling workout of some sort after Lassiter left this afternoon to pound the demons away. And I happen to be a firm believer in beer and junk food to pull anyone from a dark place. You weren’t suspended, but you feel like you were.” His stare was intense. “How close am I?”
