A Hope Christmas Love Story

by Julia Williams

  She doesn’t talk about her family much, and I know very little about them. She has two sisters and a brother. I have no idea what her parents do, or where she even lives. It must be a way from here, as she drives in every day. I’d push her on it, but I get the feeling she’d just clam up on me if I ask her. She seems happy to talk about anything except the personal.

  I also get the feeling that someone hurt her pretty badly, she’s so wary and shy of me, like a damaged fawn. I’ve not even held hands with her yet, though we do now give each other an awkward hug on meeting. And a peck on the cheek when we say goodbye. I’d like to move things on a bit further, but I’m wary of pushing her away. And I really don’t want to do that.

  Because somewhere between us meeting at the college gates and now, Melanie’s become very necessary to my existence. In fact, I think I’m falling for her hard. Which wasn’t part of the game plan. Not at all.

  Chapter Four

  Somehow it’s early October and the leaves are turning yellow and falling off the trees. I’m lucky to live in a place like Hope Christmas, which always shows nature of to it’s advantage. But the weeks are flying past. Lou Lou is saying more every day and turning into such a little bundle of fun I am finding it harder and harder to leave her. Even though I know she loves nursery, and on her non nursery days Mum is there to look after her. I know it has to be this way, but sometimes I really hate it.

  At least college is going well. It’s hard work, but I’m loving the subjects I’m doing and I’m glad I’ve met Will. I don’t know where it’s going, but it’s nice to have a proper friend at last. He’s so easy to talk to and I miss him when he’s not around. Most days now we have lunch together. And sometimes in our frees, if we’re not too stressed about work, we sneak off for a coffee in town – something everyone else does, but I’ve never had reason to till now.

  He knows to buy me a hot chocolate, I know he always has Americano. I like that, on the sharp crisp October mornings, warming our hands on our takeaway drinks, and wandering round Shrewsbury. Will’s a mine of information. He knows all about Roman history, and other stuff. And I love the way he gets animated when he’s explaining something to me, then looks awkward, and says, “I’m not boring you am I?” It’s really cute. In fact he is all round cute, and if I hadn’t foresworn boys …

  But I have and Will’s just a friend. One who’s company I enjoy, that’s all. He’s also the only person I’ve met here who works harder than I do. He’s – I dunno – driven somehow. I think he has a tough home life, though he doesn’t talk about it much. He has mentioned a sister, who sounds as much of a nightmare as my little sister Paige is. She’s fourteen and going through a trying stage. Though Mum always tells me I was worse at her age. She might be right. And at least after me, Paige will probably have the sense not to get pregnant.

  Will and I are also working on our personal statements together. Though he’s struggling to decide where to go, I’ve known since the day I started college last year. I can tell Will is puzzled by desire to stay at home and study in Birmingham, “Don’t you ant to leave home?” he asks. “That’s surely half the fun of going to uni.” If only he knew! Of course I want to leave home, but that’s not an option for me.

  “It’s a really good course,” I mumble pathetically, “and I like being at home. Besides it’s cheaper, and I know my mum and dad are struggling. Maybe I’ll live out in my second year.”

  It’s not strictly untrue about the money thing either. Though she’s working on something new, Mum was recently been passed over for a TV job, and I know she’s fretting about our finances. But if things were different, I know she and Dad would have supported me.

  “It’s a shame,” says Will, “Tom might be a dick, but he’s right about you trying for Oxbridge.”

  “Yeah, well,” I say, “Oxbridge isn’t everything, besides Birmingham has the course I want.”

  Thanks to Mum’s encouragement, I’ve already managed to do some writing for Mother and Toddler mags, and freelance journalism seems like a really good way to combine motherhood and working. But I can’t tell Will that.I’ve been toying with the idea of mentioning the blog I write about being a single mum in my personal statement, but none of my tutors know about that either, and I’d rather keep it that way. Mum wanted me to tell everyone at college what my circumstances are, but I didn’t want to seem different from anyone else, so I’ve kept quiet. I just want college to be about Melanie the teenager, not Mel the teenage mum. I’ve even signed up here as Melanie Carpenter, not Melanie Tinsall, as Mum sometimes mentions Lou Lou on her own blog, and I didn’t want anyone making the connection. I sometimes think I may have got that a bit wrong – it’s hard living a lie, particularly now Will’s around – but it’s too late to change it now.

  ***

  “So what do you think?” I say, looking again at the course prospectuses before me, “Nottingham or Leeds for my second choice?”

  “What does it matter what I think,” laughs Melanie. “You’re not going to listen to anything I say, and you’ll only change your mind again tomorrow. What’s your first choice today? Is it Warwick or Liverpool?”

  “Warwick,” I say, “definitely Warwick. I want a campus uni.”

  “Then,” says Melanie, leaning over my shoulder tantalisingly closely, “you should put Nottingham down second. I’ve got a mate there, she’s loving it. Her course is great, and the night life is good.”

  Really, I want to put down wherever Melanie’s going, which I know is completely pathetic of me, choosing my uni on the basis of where the girl I fancy goes. And it’s clear that Melanie doesn’t fancy me back. She’s friendly and interested in me as a mate, but there’s been no sign of anything else.

  Besides, she’s determined to go to Birmingham, which is too close to home for me. I can’t understand why she wants to live at home, but she says it’s the best course for what she wants to do, which is journalism. She’s mentioned briefly, that her mum is a journalist, but I still don’t know any more than that. She’s definitely a woman of mystery, Melanie. And I can’t get enough of her. We’ve been for coffee every day for the last six weeks, and sometimes, I think I barely know her at all. She’s definitely hiding something from me. I wish I knew what it was.

  Chapter Five

  And then, just before half term everything changes. Despite my best efforts and my determined attempts not to allow myself to feel anything for Will, I realise I’m fighting a losing battle when it dawns on me I’m not going to see him for a week. A whole week. I’m not sure I can stand it. I’ve got used to seeing his smiling face every morning when I just scrape in on time, and him saving me a place in the lunch queue,(which happens often enough now to raise eyebrows with the small group of girls I hang around with) and I’m not sure how I’ll cope without our daily coffee.

  I start feeling panicky about not having him around to chat to about college and homework and all the other stuff we talk about. I know we can snapchat each other, but it’s not the same. And when I realise that – it suddenly hits me. I’ve fallen for him big time without even noticing. How did that happen? And what’s more what am I going to do about it?

  Especially as Will doesn’t seem particularly interested in me. Unlike Andy Pilsdon, who’d pretty much jumped on me on our first date, Will hasn’t made a single attempt to touch me, apart from giving me a swift peck on the cheek when we meet. So I am either ugly as sin or he doesn’t fancy me. Or he’s a gentleman … which would be novel. Andy wasn’t the gentlemanly type at all. Pity I only realised that when it was far too late.

  But the way I feel about Will is different. Looking back I can see now what a shallow relationship I had with Andy. I was obsessed with him, and he used me like dirt. And like an idiot I let him.

  Will isn’t like that at all. He’s kind and attentive, and interested in me as a person. And he’s beginning to feel very necessary to me. Which is scary in itself. I told myself I was done with relationships, and this one seems to have sn
uck up on me when I wasn’t looking.

  So when he asks if I want to meet up in the holidays, I have to say yes. Even though I am going to have to beg a favour from Mum to do so. I’m sure she won’t mind though. She’s always on at me to spend time with my college friends. I just won’t mention which one.

  ***

  It’s taken me a week to pluck up the courage to ask her meet me in half term. She’s always so evasive if I suggest meeting at the weekend. So I really think she’s going to say no. But to my amazement she agrees.

  “I haven’t told you what I’m planning yet,” I say. “You might say no when I tell you.”

  Melanie looked at me curiously.

  “Do you like walking?” I say.

  “Yes,” says Melanie looking curious. “I love it. One of the best things about living round here is the walking.”

  “Have you ever climbed the Wrekin?”

  “No, I haven’t” says Melanie

  “Well how about it?” I say.

  “I’d love to,” says Melanie. “I don’t get to walk as much as I’d like to anymore.”

  She looks a little wistful and again, I sense a mystery. But she brushes off my why not?” with “Oh, just family stuff you know.” Her granny has been ill apparently, and is staying with them. So I guess she gets more domestic stuff dumped on her. I don’t quiz her too closely. I’ve got her to agree to meet me outside college. That will do for now.

  Chapter Six

  “Nearly at the top,” Will leans down to grab my hand and pull me over a rock I’m stumbling across. A little frisson of pleasure goes through me, and I hold onto his hand just a second longer than I need to. I wonder if he’s noticed. But I’m so wrapped up in being this close to him, having this time with him, I don’t care. It’s taken us over an hour to get to the top of the Wrekin on a cold rainy Shropshire day. We can barely see the view because it’s raining so hard I’m soaked through and freezing cold, but I don’t care, because I’m with Will and that’s all that matters.

  “I made you some hot chocolate,” he says, as we get to the top, producing a flask from his back pack.

  It’s so sweet and thoughtful of him, and so completely unlike anything Andy would have done, I lean in and kiss him.

  “Oh,” I say with sudden embarrassment. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

  “I’m not,” says Will and he gives me a look that simultaneously makes my heart sing and my stomach plummet. Then he gently cups my chin in his hands and kisses me.

  It’s a long slow drawn out kiss that seems to go on forever. I haven’t realised till this moment, how much I have longed to do this. Little tingles shoot up my spine as he draws me in. I feel like I’m falling, and never want this moment to end. I’ve forgotten everything but me, and him, and just being here on this windswept hillside. I never thought I could feel like this. And I realise that Andy was nothing in comparison.

  This is the real deal.

  And then I come to with a jolt. Lou Lou. How could I have forgotten Lou Lou? I swore I wouldn’t do this. Not till she’s older at least. And here I am taking a day off with a boy I like as if I’m a normal teenager. What kind of mum does that make me?

  I withdraw slightly, hoping Will won’t notice.

  But he does. Immediately. The downside of meeting an empathetic guy.

  “What’s up?” he asks.

  “Nothing,” I say. “That was … amazing. But a little overwhelming.”

  ` “I know,” he says happily. He kisses me again and then pours me a hot chocolate, and we sit there sipping it together, on top of the hill, in the rain and the wind. And though I’m confused, part of me has never felt happier.

  ***

  We don’t linger at the top of the Wrekin. The weather is too rotten. Which is a shame as I wanted to show Melanie the Iron Hill Fort. My dad took me there years ago, when I was a kid. That was when he was being a dad and paid attention to me.

  We make our way slowly back to down the hill, and by the time we get to the bottom we’re soaked through. Melanie has been quiet all the way down. I can’t figure it out. She was the one who kissed me. Maybe I misread the situation. It has been known. I seemed to get it constantly wrong with Debbie, my last girlfriend. But then I think, no, she was definitely up for it.

  So when we finally get to into a cafe, for another hot chocolate each, I say, “This is daft, we still don’t know very much about each other.”

  “There’s not very much to tell,” says Melanie, shrugging her shoulders. “I have a nice ordinary family, with a nice ordinary life. I work hard and I want to go to college to study journalism. That’s all there is.”

  “That’s never all there is,” I say, but I can see that guarded look coming over her, which is beginning to be very familiar. So I don’t press it. Instead I say, “Well ordinary is great as far as I’m concerned. My family has got to be the most dysfunctional ever.”

  “Oh,” says Melanie, and I can see she’s intrigued. “Why?”

  I take a deep breath. I haven’t told anyone at college about this, but I know instinctively I can trust her.

  “My parents got divorced this year.”

  “I’m sorry, “says Melanie.

  “Don’t be,” I say. “They’ve been rowing and cheating on each other ever since I can remember. They had me far too young and never really coped with family life. It’s better this way.”

  “You poor thing,” she says reaching over for my hand, “my parents are still sickeningly in love. I can’t imagine them ever getting divorced.”

  I treasure that nugget.

  “Anyway, Mum left earlier this year, and she’s set up home with her new boyfriend. They’re expecting a new baby, and they don’t have time for us.”

  “Us?”

  “Me and my sister, Izzy” I say. “She’s sixteen.”

  “What about your dad?” asks Melanie.

  And then I take a deep breath because I think she might be shocked at how rubbish my parents really are. It’s been six months, and I’m still shocked and hurt by their behaviour.

  “As soon as I turned eighteen in March,” I say, “my dad left too. Izzy my sister, has been a nightmare ever since, smoking, drinking, staying out late. Only this week she stayed out till midnight on a school night. She turned her phone off, and I couldn’t track her down. I drove round everywhere I knew looking for her, then she rolled in paralytic. We had a huge row about it. It’s been like that since Dad went.There’s only me to look out for Izzy. Hence the reason I stuffed up my AS’s. Dad pays the bills, but we’re pretty much alone in his house now.”

  There’s a silence, and Melanie says, “Well that sucks.”

  “Yes,” I say, feeling sad, “yes it does.”

  Chapter Seven

  “Mum,” I say in a rush – I’ve been building up to this all evening –“theresaparty tomorrownightandeveryonesstayingoversocanI?”

  Mum looks at me with a grin, and I know she knows. It’s not that I don’t want to tell her exactly. I never told her about Andy and look how well that turned out. But this feels new and sparkling and special. And I want to keep it to myself. Just for now.

  I am so nervous before the party, I spend ages trying things on. This is made more difficult by Lou Lou, who, picking up that something’s different tonight, won’t go to bed. And since Granny’s been here, we’re sharing a room. Paige and Ruby come in to help but cause more chaos, as they start playing with her instead of getting her settled.

  “You’re no help,” I say as Lou Lou starts putting on my shoes, and stomping round the room, declaring, “I’m Mummy,” with Paige and Ruby in hysterics, In the end, I give up and let her carry on causing mayhem while I’m getting ready.

  And I’m so desperate to tell someone, I end up spilling everything about Will. We do our pinky promise and say Sister’s secrets, just like we did when we were little. I know they won’t say anything. What’s said among sisters stays among sisters …

  At last I’m r
eady. I’ve chosen to wear a pretty floaty dress I got last summer, with high heels I’ve borrowed from Paige as I don’t wear them normally. I’ve got my hair loose and have found a jacket of Mum’s which I like. For once I’ve even got make up on. I find I don’t normally have time.

  “How do I look?” I say.

  “Fab,” says Paige, and insists we snapchat Shaz in Nottingham to see what she thinks too. Shaz is apparently in a bar somewhere, slightly pissed, but she gives us a thumbs up.

  “He’s going to love you,” says Ruby, like she knows anything about it.

  “Lovely Mummy!” says Lou Lou, jumping on the bed. So I give her a cuddle and read her a story and then she eventually snuggles up with her favourite teddy. She looks like she might be about to get out of bed again, as I go to leave, but Paige sweetly says she’ll sit and read her another story.

  I feel a pang as I leave. I’ve only ever left Lou Lou once at night before, when I went out with Shaz just before she went to uni. I feel guilty, even though I know Mum is here, and Lou Lou will be perfectly happy and safe. And at the same time I feel excited, and liberated. I have one glorious night of freedom. One night, when I can go out with friends and dance and drink like all my peers do, and pretend for a moment I’m just like them. I feel guilty about thinking like it, and I’m ridiculously nervous about seeing Will, but it’s my night off, and I plan to enjoy it.

  ***

  I arrive far too early, and the girl whose party it is, Karen, looks vaguely surprised to see me. I’m not surprised, I hardly talk to anyone at college apart from Melanie. She probably has no idea who I am.