Sound of Regret

by Chelsea Roy

  “Do you remember the last time you, ah, went down on me?” Ellie asked him abruptly. Jack reared back, unsure where this particular line of questioning was going. That night was burned into his brain and he wasn’t likely to forget it anytime soon. He was confused, though, because sex was the absolute last thing he expected Ellie to talk about. He never imagined the conversation would go here but if helping her to recall one of the hottest nights of his life helped get her back, he’d gladly do it.

  “Yes.” He answered her cautiously. “I remember how sweet you tasted that night,” he couldn’t help adding.

  “Do you remember what we did after I came?” She asked him, her cheeks flushing slightly. She was keeping her gaze steadily on him and Jack was trying with great difficulty not to get a massive erection. This kind of discussion was guaranteed to get his body to respond and he was trying like hell to remain focused on whatever point it was that she was trying to make.

  “I made love to my girlfriend.” Jack told her. He watched her face as it softened with his choice of words. A small smile tilted the corner of her mouth as she nodded, obviously pleased he remembered what happened that night. He watched as she took a deep breath and took a few steps closer to him.

  “I’m eight weeks pregnant.” She told him softly. Ellie’s soft words hit Jack like a sledgehammer. His legs buckled beneath him and he dropped down to the couch in stunned silence.

  Jack’s mind raced back to that night. He had planted himself between her gorgeous thighs until she had come apart in his arms. His head dropped into his hands as he realized he’d immediately slid her off the couch right onto his cock. He groaned because a condom was nowhere in his memory of that night. He’d completely forgotten to protect her. Suiting up with Ellie wasn’t second nature for him and he hadn’t given it another thought that night. He’d been so caught up in Ellie and how good she was making him feel that he hadn’t stopped to roll one on. He hadn’t even recalled going bare until now. He groaned again feeling like a complete failure. He looked up at her and knew she was waiting for some kind of reaction from him. He wasn’t sure if he could react positively because a pregnancy was not good for Ellie’s health. He was terrified for her but he didn’t want her to mistake his fear for her as unhappiness about a baby.

  “Are you okay?” He asked her, concerned. He hoped like hell his face wasn’t conveying the fear in his gut. The problem had never been Ellie’s ability to get pregnant. She could get pregnant over and over, but keeping those tiny little lives inside of her until they were safe to come out was the real challenge. And there were other risks with her condition, too. He watched as she shrugged her too-slim shoulders. Her eyes darted around the room, landing on everything but him.

  “Physically? I’m doing okay. There’s a high possibility that I’ll miscarry with this one like I did last time. I’m scared to death it’ll happen, but since I’m pregnant, I’ve got to try to make it work. I’m just going to take this one day at a time.” Ellie’s voice was high and thin. Jack could clearly hear the fear in her words and knew he had to be strong for her. His own fear needed to take the backseat.

  “You qualified that with ‘physically’. I need to know if you’re okay Els.” He told her. “I feel like I completely failed you. I didn’t protect you like I should and now you might have to go through losing a baby all over again. This is my fault because I knew and you didn’t.” Jack stood up from the couch and hooked his thumbs in his pockets. He didn’t know if he should move toward her but it didn’t seem right to be sitting down for a conversation this damn important.

  “You didn’t fail me, Jack.” She told him. “But to answer your question about being okay? I’m not. Not really.” Her hands twisted together in front of her. She didn’t seem inclined to clarify her words any further and Jack was getting impatient. He needed to take her in his arms and make this right. They weren’t supposed to be apart in the first place and he especially didn’t want to be apart from her now.

  “What do you mean Ellie? You’re scaring me.” Ellie’s eyes finally lifted back to his. They were a searing green; large and luminous in her beautiful face. The golden strands of her hair swung gently by her ears.

  “I forgave you for not telling me about my issues almost as soon as I made you leave. I understand why you did what you did when you hid the news from me.” Ellie gave a rough laugh and looked down at her tightly clasped hands. “What I couldn’t do was forgive myself. I was an absolute bitch to you when I found out. I was such a hypocrite. I had told you I would be there for you always, that I was in this for the long haul and I bailed the first time something serious came along.” Her voice was self-depreciating.

  Jack couldn’t believe what he was hearing from Ellie. It almost sounded like she was apologizing to him, which was all backwards. Regardless, she still hadn’t responded to the question that he most desperately needed answered.

  “Els, as much as I’m glad to hear that you forgive me for not telling you, I need to know if you’re okay with trying to have this baby. Is this something you still want? With me?” Jack hardly dared to even hope Ellie was still in this and that she still wanted to raise a family with him. Even more than that, he couldn’t believe she would be willing to put her body and her emotions through this roller coaster just to have a mixture of their DNA at the end. It seemed like he must still mean something to her if she was considering it.

  “It’s called ‘providence’ Jack. That’s when divine intervention guides events. I had to come back to you because I needed to see you to tell you about the baby. Needing to see you has forced me confront the fact that I was in the wrong with this whole situation. So here I am. With you.” Ellie’s own words were jumbled. Clearly she was on an emotional overload.

  “Do you still want me?” He forced out painfully. He was uncomfortable laying himself out like this but knew there wasn’t any other way to find out. He stood there uncertainly, watching her. His heart thumped painfully in his chest and he shifted, his boots creaking slightly. Jack didn’t know how much more he could bear before he just scooped her into his arms. His hands twitched with the desire to touch her.

  “What?” She asked him, clearly confused. Jack’s shoulders slumped down. He was an idiot to think Ellie would want to jump back in with him for more craziness. He knew his life was a lot for anyone to take on, let alone dealing with his commitment issues. And once the paps got ahold of this news it would be a free-for-all.

  “What do you need from me?” He asked hoarsely. He was struggling to put any type of coherent sentence together without just utterly breaking down. He’d never felt this much emotion before and wasn’t sure he could handle it. When she turned and walked out the door, he was sure he’d be a mess at her feet begging her to stay.

  “I need a place to stay, Jack. Someone to help me each day. If there’s any chance of me getting this baby anywhere near to term, I have to stop living alone. I stop doing the stairs at my condo. I’ve got to go on bed rest right away.” Jack was already nodding his head in agreement, thinking of the things he could do to make this happen for her.

  “Of course Ellie. You’ll move in here today. I want to help you in any way I can.” Jack’s voice was deep with emotion. The fact that she was willing to move in with him gave him immense hope he wasn’t being cut out of her life after all.

  “You understand this means I stop working. I won’t be able to contribute much of anything financially. I’ll have to depend on you for really just about everything. But I’m willing to ask you to help me like this because I want this baby almost more than anything else.” Ellie’s voice trembled. Jack knew what it must cost her to put aside her pride and ask him to support her financially. She had always ignored his money so this was most likely a really bitter pill for her to swallow. He took a step closer to her.

  “I understand all of that Ellie. Like I said, I’m happy to help you in any way I can. If my money can provide you what you need, then it’s yours. That’s always been your
worry, not mine.” Jack wasn’t trying to be argumentative, but he needed her to understand how little he cared about money in comparison to her happiness. “The one thing that confuses me though, is what you said.” Jack was latching onto strings at this point but he was desperate.

  “What’s did I say?” Ellie asked him warily.

  “What could you possibly want more than you want this baby?” He asked her, truly baffled. “You wanted a baby so badly. I can’t imagine there would be anything you’d want more.” Jack wasn’t trying to be difficult, he just remembered the state he found her in at the hospital after the miscarriage. Whatever she wanted, he wanted to give her so she needed to ask him for it straight out. He wasn’t good at reading between the lines.

  “Don’t you know, Jack?” Ellie asked him. She took a step closer to him, and then another. When she was within touching distance, she reached out for his hand and entwined his fingers with hers. He noticed how cold her hands were and rubbed his over them, trying to infuse them with warmth.

  Jack shook his head, cleared his throat, and over the embarrassingly enormous lump that had grown there, said, “No.”

  “You, Jack. I just want you.” Ellie’s words washed over Jack so sweetly and his fingers tightened around hers. His eyes watered and he warned them silently that they’d better man up and not leak. But his Ellie wasn’t done decimating him yet.

  “I don’t want to sleep alone anymore. But more than that, I want to sleep with you, wrapped up in your arms. I want to run my fingers over your tattoos and I want to hear your breath hitch in my ear. I want to feel you beside me, whether we’re shopping in the supermarket or whether we’re sitting on this couch here. I don’t want to have anything hidden anymore between us. I’m surrendering myself to you as honestly as I possibly can and I hope that you’ll forgive me for what I did to you.” Jack’s hands reached out to cradle Ellie’s face.

  “I told you that anything you need, I’ll give it to you. Those are all things that I’m willing and so fucking happy to give to you Ellie. I’ve been waiting here for you these last six weeks, missing you. You can’t even imagine how fucking badly I want to give you those things.” Jack’s breathing was rough and his eyes remained unnaturally bright. He knew he was a lucky bastard to have this entire situation fall into his lap. The pregnancy wasn’t ideal but at the end of the day, she would be with him which was what he wanted to more than anything else. Jack watched as tears ran down Ellie’s cheeks and over his fingers. A breath shuddered out of her body and he could read the look in her eyes for the first time since she walked through their door. She was looking at him with her heart and her soul.

  “You have no idea how relieved I am to hear you say that I didn’t completely ruin everything by making you leave six weeks ago. And, look, I need to get this out, okay?” Ellie’s voice wobbled and Jack felt worried all over again.

  “Just get it out, whatever it is. We’ll deal.” He would move heaven and earth to fix it, whatever it was. Ellie nodded and she leaned into him.

  “If there was anyone else while I was gone, I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it. Just nobody else but me from now on, okay?” Ellie’s eyes slid away from his and he wanted to shake some sense into her. How did Ellie think he was supposed to be with anyone else when every thought was consumed with her?

  “What’s it going to take for you to realize that I’m in this?” Jack took his hands from hers and settled them on her shoulders. He shook her gently. “There hasn’t been anyone else for a really long time Ellie, and there won’t ever be again, okay?” Tears were spilling rapidly over her cheeks and her breath came in short pants like she was trying to hold back sobs.

  “I’m so glad, Jack. So damn glad.” Her arms wrapped around his waist and she pressed herself into the warmth of his body. Jack’s eyes slid closed in elation at having his woman back where she belonged. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, pressing her in as closely as he could without smothering her. Nothing had ever felt so right as having her in his arms and he felt like he was able to breathe normally for the first time in weeks.

  “Listen, if this doesn’t work – if this pregnancy doesn’t make it to term, we’re not doing this again. We’ll hire a surrogate. Our stuff, someone else’s oven, okay?” Jack didn’t want Ellie to go through this over and over again. They’d figure out some sort of method of birth control where he didn’t have to roll on a condom every time he wanted in her. One of the best parts of being with someone exclusively was the ability to ditch the jimmy.

  “Okay, Jack. I’m good with that. But we’ll cross that bridge if we get there, okay?” Ellie’s voice was muffled against his chest. Jack nodded against the top of her head. He kicked himself for not talking to her about this a couple months ago so they could have resolved everything and the separation would have never happened.

  “We can do this.” He told her reassuringly. “We can have babies and we’ll be a family. However it takes.” He pulled back and pressed his lips to hers, breathing in her sweet, clean scent. “And having you in my life and making a family with you is the most important thing I’ve ever done so don’t think for even one minute that I’m not in this all the way with you.” Ellie’s face broke into a big, beautiful smile, making Jack feel like the future would work itself out in the way it was supposed to.

  “We’re having a baby,” she said, almost disbelievingly. After being told the news of Ellie’s fertility problems, those weren’t words he ever anticipated hearing from her and he couldn’t deny the pleasure they caused deep within him.

  “Hell yeah,” said Jack. “We’re having a baby!” Ellie laughed in elation as he picked her up gently and swung her tightly into his arms. She was still laughing as he kissed her deeply.

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  “So you won’t stop me if I go into labor now?” Ellie asked her OB/GYN. The doctor shook her head and gave a small smile.

  “No. If you go into labor now, the baby will be just fine. 35 weeks is a miraculous milestone to reach with a pregnancy as high risk as yours has been.”

  “Can I have sex?” Ellie asked the doctor bluntly. Because of Ellie’s high-risk pregnancy, she and Jack hadn’t been together in months. In fact, their sexual activity was halted shortly after she announced her pregnancy to Jack. She felt bad about it, but she’d been helping Jack stay satisfied in other ways. At least this time he’d let her participate. At this point, though, Ellie was so hot for him she couldn’t stand it anymore. Her pregnancy hormones were raging out of control and she needed to be able to satisfy them. Not being able to have her hot, handsome man pleasure her truly sucked. Ellie was constantly rubbing herself against Jack like a cat in heat. He was thoroughly amused at her predicament and unrelenting in his refusal to allow her to orgasm. Ellie had come to understand he wanted this baby as much as she did, if not more, and much to Ellie’s dismay that meant he was strictly adhering to the doctor’s orders. Who knew Jack had it in him to be such a strict rule follower?

  “I think sex would be perfectly fine.” The doctor said, obviously amused at Ellie’s eagerness. “You’re going to have a period of time after the baby comes where you can’t have sex again, so I would get in as much now with your man as possible.” The doctor told her candidly and Ellie really appreciated her honesty. She knew exactly what Ellie had been required to resist over the past few months. Ellie knew the doctor found Jack attractive because she blushed every time he came to an appointment. Thankfully when Jack was there the doctor didn’t act like a fan girl. Instead, she just stayed pink-cheeked the entire time but remained completely professional.

  After thanking the doctor for her time and her blessing to resume sexual activity, Ellie made her way home rapidly. It was only a twenty-minute drive but it felt like getting home took forever. She wasn’t wasting another moment out of Jack’s arms and planned to take complete advantage of him for however long she was able to. She planned to keep him in bed as much as possible and luckily he had a pretty clear schedule right
now so she would be able to put in a good amount of time with him before the baby came. She did feel somewhat self-conscious of her big belly and wasn’t sure logistically how sex would work exactly. She knew Jack still found her sexy because he was good about telling her every opportunity he got that she was gorgeous. His words were a huge bolster for her confidence. As a result, Ellie felt beautiful down to the core of her being.

  This pregnancy had been full of surprises and discoveries for them both. Living together for more than a few weeks had been an adjustment but Jack was always doing sweet things for her to make up for his moody temperament. She’d assured him he didn’t need to, but he claimed to love spoiling her. He had even arranged for Ellie to have a pregnancy photo shoot at the beach. The photographer had taken some incredibly amazing, sexy photos of Ellie. Jack particularly loved a photo shot where Ellie’s body was full of shadows and valleys and tricks of light. Ellie had been wearing a bikini for the photo, but you couldn’t see it in evidence anywhere in the shot. He’d had the photo blown up and it hung in their room. Jack claimed it was prime masturbation material and Ellie blushed every time she saw it. It was a sexy portrait and she had never seen herself in that light before.

  When she finally pulled her car into the driveway, she noticed the vehicles of every member of the band lining the street. She frowned, realizing her plans for getting Jack into bed as rapidly as humanly possible were temporarily on hold. She wondered what was going on because it was pretty rare to have all the guys together at once unless they were touring. Brent, especially, had been really scarce over the past couple of months and she had the feeling something was going on with him. She laughed ruefully and resigned herself to being a good hostess for the next few hours.