Beach House

by Mary Monroe

  Toy laughed. “Pink or blue?”

  “Hmm…Yellow I think. We wouldn’t want to insult Baby.” It was more fun than serious, rather like trying on makeup or jewelry.

  “What do you think?” Toy had asked as she gingerly held up a newborn “onesie” to her belly. Delicate lace and tiny embroidered ducklings bordered the soft yellow fabric. As the outfit lay against Toy’s body, the reality that in the not-too-distant future a new baby would indeed be wearing the tiny garment changed the mood. Tears moistened their eyes.

  Cara had bought the yellow outfit on the spot, and several more like it. The more Toy said she didn’t want anything, the more determined Cara was to buy her something extra.

  Cara found herself smiling at the memory and she cast an affectionate glance across the table at Toy, who was hungrily devouring her sandwich. It occurred to Cara that if she’d had a child at Toy’s age, that child would be older than Toy now.

  What was having a baby like, she wondered? What was it like to bring another human being into the world? She sneaked a quick glance at Toy’s belly, trying to imagine the feel of life inside her. She couldn’t.

  Being a mother meant she’d be responsible for that child for life. She’d have to have a job, a place to live and the means to provide. She supposed that wasn’t so very different than what she was doing right now. What would be different was the loss of her independence because there’d be this little creature tugging at her skirts needing to be taken care of. Mama used to tell her that, from the moment she saw her firstborn’s face, she never had another good night’s sleep.

  She tried to imagine herself a mother, holding her baby to her breast, seeing her face for the first time. Seeing a part of herself in the eyes of another being. She warmed to the vision.

  Then she felt a sudden sense of loss. She’d likely never have a child.

  Cara sat blinking in the afternoon sun dazed with the full impact of the realization. It wasn’t that she’d actually decided not to have children, more that she’d been busy building her career and never got around to thinking about it. Now here she was, forty, sitting at a little outdoor bistro with an iced cappuccino, suddenly realizing that she’d forgotten to have children.

  “I sure wish Miss Lovie could’ve come with us,” Toy was saying to her. “She’d love this sandwich.”

  Cara turned her head, realizing that Toy was speaking to her. “What? I’m sorry, what did you say?”

  “Maybe we should bring one of these sandwiches home for Miss Lovie?”

  Cara brought her wandering mind quickly back into focus. Dragging her emotions along was a bit harder. She took a deep breath. “It’s a nice idea, but I don’t think Mama’d eat it. It’s pretty spicy and her appetite is dwindling to nothing.”

  Toy put down her sandwich with a dramatic show of concern. “Don’t I know it! I’m trying to cook all manner of things that she might like, but I swear, no matter what I make she picks at it like a bird.”

  “Don’t take it personally, Toy. It’s the illness. I had a long talk with her doctor the other day and he thinks she’s doing pretty well, considering. Her energy level is good and her mood is up. But he warned me that it won’t be long before she’ll start to…” She hesitated. She didn’t want to voice his word: deteriorate. That sounded so inhuman. Like a specimen breaking down in a lab or a piece of fruit withering in the refrigerator. “Soon it will be a struggle to get her to eat at all.”

  Toy’s face reflected the dismay they both felt. “I can’t believe it’s really happening.”

  Cara set down her fork. “I know. It will be hard. We’ll need each other then, Toy, for help and support.”

  Toy nodded solemnly.

  “I keep thinking of her the way she was when I was growing up. She had so much energy. And my, did she love to shop. This trip would have been right up her alley. She was on a first-name basis with the sales clerks in every boutique on King Street.” Cara smiled remembering. “You should have seen her back then. She was such a belle. She had this tiny waist and beautiful blond hair. She always looked just so.” Cara laughed in a self-deprecating manner. “What a pair we made. I always felt like the gangly sidekick. Going shopping for dresses with her was torture. When I tried things on I felt so big and gawky next to her. The nicer she was the crankier I became. She never understood that I wished I looked like her. But I couldn’t tell her that, of course. I probably didn’t even realize it at the time. Our shopping trips always ended with a quarrel and days of self-loathing. I think that’s why I hate shopping or wearing dresses to this day.”

  She saw Toy’s expression change to a guilt-ridden worry. “Oh, but I loved shopping with you today,” Cara hurried to assure her. “After all, you and Baby were trying on all the clothes. I got to sit back and enjoy.”

  Toy seemed to believe her. “Well,” she said in an airy tone, “you turned out just fine. I wish I were as tall as you. You look like a model.”

  “Hardly, but speaking of which, Mama will ask you to model everything when we get back. Just you wait.”

  Toy picked up her sandwich with both hands and took an enormous bite. She started to say something else, but stopped and waited to finish chewing. Cara held back her smile.

  Toy pointed to Cara’s plate. “Is that all you’re eating? I feel like a cow next to you.”

  “I’m going out with Brett for dinner, so I’m leaving lots of room.”

  “Again?”

  For a second, Cara was caught up in her memories of the night before. She’d spent half the night trying to work out why she was so pleased with the evening when she still hadn’t gone much beyond kissing. Though it was a great kiss.

  “We’re going to go over the plans for the porch tonight,” she said in a matter-of-fact tone to quash the “Do tell!” in Toy’s eyes. “He thinks he can start work by the end of the week. Can you believe it?”

  “I think he’d move mountains for you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Toy wiped her mouth with an exaggerated demure pat of the napkin. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”

  Cara tried not to grin as she looked down and stirred her ice with the straw. “No, that’s not the reason he’s doing the job. I told him about Mama’s condition and it was like lighting a match under that man. He can’t get the job done fast enough. It’s very sweet, actually.”

  “That’s because he’s a sweet man. Quiet but strong, you know? There aren’t many of them out there, as far as I can tell.”

  “Take my word on it. There aren’t.”

  “I don’t think Darryl ever looked at me the way Brett looks at you.”

  “What do you care about the way he looked at you?”

  Toy set her half-eaten sandwich back down on the plate. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. I didn’t want to worry Miss Lovie, so it’s good we can talk about it while we’re alone.”

  “I’m all ears.”

  “It’s Darryl. I called him. Just to see how he was,” she hurried to add when she saw the spark ignite in Cara’s eyes. “We were together for a long time, you know?”

  Cara stirred her ice and tried to keep her voice even when inside she was roiling. “And what did he have to say for himself?”

  “Not much. He’s such a creep. There was another girl with him and he didn’t care if I knew it. I think he even wanted me to hear her. To punish me, you know?” She snorted. “As if.”

  “Still, the betrayal hurt, I’m sure,” Cara responded, thinking of Richard.

  Toy nodded grimly.

  “Well, good riddance to rubbish, right?”

  Toy shifted in her seat and kept her eyes down.

  “Is there something else?”

  “He must have caller ID or Star 69’d me or something ‘cause he knows my number now. I mean, your number. He called me the other day—but I hung up on him.”

  “I see.” Cara sat back in her chair while a thousand possibilities whirred in her mind, none of them good.
“What do you think he might do?”

  “Darryl? With him anything’s possible. He thinks I, like, belong to him, you know?”

  Cara felt her heart accelerate. “So, do you think he might come to the house?”

  “I don’t know,” she said, her voice low with fear. “I told him not to.”

  “Okay, good. What did he say? Exactly?”

  “I don’t remember exactly. Something about how I couldn’t tell him what to do, and if he comes, he’s taking me back with him.” Her voice was beginning to tremble. “I know when he talks like that, soft and kinda weird, that he’s really mad.”

  “There’s no point panicking. It can’t be good for your baby. Why don’t you drink some of your juice and then you can tell me more about the man.”

  Toy nodded, settling down. She sipped some juice, then followed Cara’s lead and ate more of her sandwich. Although Cara’s outward appearance was calm, she was very worried and fighting off the urge to run home and lock all the doors.

  “What does Darryl do for a living?” she wanted to know.

  “Well, what he really wants to do is play in his band. He’s really good. You should hear him. It’s kind of country rock. He writes his own songs, too. Wrote one about me. He keeps talking about going to California so he can get noticed. He says there’s no one gonna discover him around here. All he needs is one break and he’s going to make it.”

  Cara didn’t care for the sound of pride in Toy’s voice. “Does he support himself with his music?”

  “No. Not yet, anyway. He works other jobs. Last job he had was at Best Buy selling stereos and stuff like that. Before that he tended bar. He likes to be around music.”

  “Tended bar? How old is this guy?”

  “Twenty-four.”

  “Twenty-four? But you just turned eighteen. How old were you when you started going out with him?”

  “Sixteen, but I didn’t move in with him until I was seventeen,” she hastened to explain. “He said I was too young before.”

  “And he didn’t think a high school girl of sixteen was too young for a twenty-two-year-old man? Doesn’t he know the law, for Christ’s sake? Toy, one false move from him and you could send his butt to jail.”

  “I don’t want to do that! I told you, I love him and he’s been real good to me. He took care of me when my parents were so mean.”

  All Cara could think was how utterly horrid the parents must be to let their underage daughter go off with an older man like that. “Do you think this Darryl still loves you?” When Toy only looked down and shrugged she asked, “Well, more to the point, do you think he still feels that he owns you? Because if he does, then I’d say it’s likely he’ll show up.”

  “I didn’t mean for this to happen. Really. I was just lonely for him and wanted to hear his voice. I didn’t think that he could trace me. Are you sure he can get the address?”

  “If he wants to find you, he can. We should be prepared in any event. I don’t want him bothering my mother.”

  “Oh, don’t worry that he’ll do anything to Miss Lovie or to you! He’s not crazy like that. If he comes, he’ll just come for me. And I’ll go with him so there won’t be no trouble.”

  “Oh, yes, there will be trouble if that jerk thinks we’ll let him force you back.” Despite her resolve, she’d raised her voice at the thought of some bully dragging Toy away against her will.

  “I don’t want any trouble, Cara,” she said, fear in her eyes. “Maybe I should just leave.”

  “I know you don’t want trouble,” she said in a softer tone. “That never crossed my mind. But if there is trouble, is there anyplace else you could go? Just for a few days? Not for our sakes, but for yours. How about your mother’s? Just for a night?”

  “No. They don’t want me back and I’d never go back, either. That’s how I ended up going to the shelter in the first place. If I don’t stay here, the only place left is the shelter. Or I could just go back with Darryl.”

  “That’s out of the question. Besides, you’d only face this situation again sooner or later.” For a moment, neither of them spoke. “No, it’s best you stay put. We’ll work it out somehow.”

  “Cara, as much as I love living with you and Miss Lovie—I mean, it’s as close as I’ve ever come to having a real home—maybe it’s better that I go with Darryl now.”

  Cara put her elbows on the table and tapped her lips at the innuendo. At times like this she was sorry she’d given up smoking. She studied Toy’s face and saw again the stubborn determination that she’d seen in her eyes the first time they’d met. “Just answer me this. Do you want to go back to him?”

  Toy only stared back, her blue eyes limpid with indecision.

  Cara shook her head. “Oh, Toy…”

  “I’m so confused! I don’t know what to do,” she cried, bringing her hand to her forehead. “I still love him. I don’t want to lose him. He’s the father of my baby.” She threw up her hands and sat back in a huff. “And now you’re all mad at me. Or disgusted.”

  “No, no, Toy, I’m not mad. And certainly not disgusted. These are your feelings. And while I may not agree with them, I accept that’s how you feel. What I’m most concerned about now is your safety, and your baby’s safety.”

  “I’m scared for my baby, too. I’m not worried about what he might do to me.”

  “You should be, Toy. Don’t forget, he’s raised his hand to you once already. You can’t give him another chance.”

  “I won’t. But he won’t want to do it, either.”

  “Do you want to take the risk with your baby?”

  “No.”

  “Okay then. It sounds to me like you’re not ready to go back to Darryl. At least not yet.”

  Toy shook her head.

  “Then that’s settled. You’ll stay with us. But if he calls again, will you tell me?”

  “He won’t.”

  “But if he does?”

  “I’ll tell you.”

  “And anything else. Notes, flowers, but especially if he comes to the cottage. You have to tell me. That’s all I ask.”

  “Okay.”

  Cara could only hope she would. She swore she would not let Darryl take advantage of this child again and was suddenly glad at the prospect of having Brett around the house for the next few weeks. She made a point of picking up her fork and jabbing at her salad to lighten the mood. If she ate a bite, however, she’d choke. Across from her, Toy was despondent. Cara wouldn’t let that bastard Darryl ruin their day.

  “I was thinking,” she said, changing the subject and striving for a positive note. “If you’re not too tired, let’s really splurge and get manicures. The yard work has ruined my nails. I’ve heard raves about a salon called Shear Paradise. And since it’s your eighteenth birthday, why not get your hair done? Something new. I’m told Terri is a wizard. What do you say I try and get an appointment?”

  “Really? I’ve seen that place. Are you sure?”

  Cara looked at Toy’s face. A makeover was just what she had in mind, but for much more than just her hair and clothes. Beneath the heavy makeup and bright-yellow hair Cara saw an insecure young girl seeking direction. Toy had a good heart and a sharp mind. All she needed was a chance. “I’m sure.”

  A waitress came to take their plates.

  “No, don’t take that!” Toy said when the waitress reached for her dessert. Toy picked up her fork and began cutting into the pecan pie covered with melting vanilla ice cream.

  Cara watched as the waitress gave Toy’s pregnant belly a second look. The waitress couldn’t have been any older than Toy but with her tight, cropped knit top exposing a flat belly and beaded jewelry, it was obvious that this girl lived in a different world than Toy. Cara leaned forward. “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but did you get your high school diploma?”

  Toy shook her head. “I couldn’t. I mean, I could have, but my being pregnant and all made it, you know, too embarrassing. And Darryl didn’t want me to. He told me I di
dn’t need it. I just figured if I wanted to, I could get it later.”

  “And do you want it?”

  She looked up, surprised by the question. “I guess.”

  “Good. Because you really should get it. Why don’t we look into the GED? I’ll bet if you study real hard, you could take the test by the end of summer. I’ll tutor.”

  “Why would you want to do that for me?”

  Cara folded her hands on the table. “I was just thinking. If I’d had a child when I was your age, she would be about your age. I know, I know,” she said with a chuckle. “The thought surprised me, too. But after I got over the shock that I was old enough to be your mother, I thought how neat it would be if I did have a child your age. A daughter like you.”

  Toy set down her fork. “I never knew you thought that way about me.”

  “We may have gotten off to a bumpy start, but I think we’ve both learned to trust each other a little bit. And like each other, too. Don’t you?”

  She nodded. “I got a hint after you took down Palmer for me.”

  “I’ll probably never have a child,” she said, giving voice to the realization for the first time. “Or a grandchild. So it would mean a lot to me if you’d let me help you.”

  Toy swiftly looked down at her belly and began to stroke it with her small hands. “It’s weird, but when I was little and my mama and daddy would fight, I’d put the covers over my head and wish I could be adopted by some other family. A real nice family with a pretty house and people who smiled and talked to each other and said goodbye when they left the house.” She looked up at Cara, yearning swimming in her pale blue eyes.

  “I’ve been so happy at Primrose Cottage. It’s like what I dreamed of back then, like you and Miss Lovie have adopted me. But you haven’t, of course,” she hurried to add, as though embarrassed for the sentiment. “I’m grown-up now. And having a baby to boot. But I want you to know that what you just said means a lot to me. A whole lot.”

  Cara’s breath stilled in her throat as the impact of that statement sank in. She knew what it had cost Toy to make it. They’d both exposed their vulnerable spots and now everything had changed between them. Cara reached out to place her hand over Toy’s. It was an impulsive move, a heartfelt gesture. But when she looked at their joined hands, Cara realized that she was imitating her mother’s familiar gesture.