All It Takes

by Clare Dugmore

  By the time I pulled up in the City Hospital car park, my limbs were shaking and pain burned across the centre of my chest.

  I whipped out my phone and called Stacey. “I’m here. Where are you?”

  “I’m in the waiting room with Meg’s parents. Meg’s been taken for a scan. Wait there and I’ll come down to you.”

  I paced outside the entrance to the hospital, mentally willing Stacey to hurry, and for Megan and Ella to be okay.

  I couldn’t lose them. Not now. Not like this.

  “Kian.” Stacey rushed through the double automatic doors and almost barrelled into me.

  “What happened?”

  “Well, it started this morning when she was late for uni, and I called her about half-ten. No, it was closer to eleven … wait, that doesn’t make sense. It had to be half-ten.”

  My muscles tensed and my head started to ache.

  “Stacey, I don’t need your life story. Just tell me what happened to Meg.”

  “Right. Yeah, sorry. Just before her presentation she had to rush to the loo and throw up. She said it was nerves, and promised me Ella was okay, so I believed her. And she did seem to perk up after that. We had some lunch, then it was time for the display show to open.”

  We entered the hospital, and headed towards the antenatal ward.

  Stacey resumed her story. “Her parents stopped by her booth, and then mine. We chatted for a bit-”

  I let out a low growl, and Stacey stopped, turning to me with wide eyes. “Sorry. I’m doing it again, aren’t I?”

  “Yes. You are.”

  “There was some commotion in the hall, and we were told Megan had fainted. I called for an ambulance, and her parents tried to wake her. She came around briefly, but she was delirious.

  “It wasn’t until we were in the ambulance and on the way here that she came round properly.”

  “How was she when she came round?”

  “Groggy at first, then pissed off. Her parents said she’d been taking on too much, and she got annoyed with us.”

  Her parents were right, but I knew better than to say that to Meg while she was in an ambulance on her way to hospital. She responded to things better when she’d had time to realise an issue herself, instead of being told what to do.

  Another thing we had in common.

  “And Ella? What have they said about her?”

  “They checked her heartbeat and it was normal. They think she’s okay, but they’re doing a scan to be sure.”

  I stopped, frozen in the middle of the hallway. It was like a nightmare. As I willed my feet to work, my mouth to open, I couldn’t move, no matter how hard I tried. All I could do was stand there, rooted to the spot.

  “Kian, it’ll be okay,” Stacey said, before grabbing my hand and pulling me into gear.

  I let out a long, slow breath, and my muscles relaxed, though my throat still felt dry.

  “Thank you for calling me.”

  Stacey gazed away and scuffed the ground with her shoe. “I couldn’t not tell you. She hasn’t said anything about what’s been going on, but I know something isn’t right between you guys. She’s been miserable without you around.”

  The hardness returned to my stomach and the back of my throat stung.

  “I better get back in there before her parents realise I’m gone.”

  “Okay. I’m going to ask a nurse if I can see her.”

  “All right. I guess I’ll see you later.”

  With an awkward wave, Stacey went to the waiting room, and I turned towards the reception desk.

  “Hey. The mother of my baby, Megan Green, was admitted earlier for tests. I was wondering if I could see her, please?”

  The nurse tapped some details into the computer in front of her, and then asked, “Kian Murphy?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Sure. You’re on the list of permitted visitors. Go through. She’s in room thirty-six.”

  “Cheers.”

  The nurse hit the security button and allowed me access to the antenatal ward, and I made my way along the corridor to Megan’s room.

  When I reached the room, I paused for a moment. The door was ajar, and Megan sat on the bed, stroking her tummy and talking to Ella.

  “It’s okay, little one. Mamma’s here and everything will be okay.”

  My breath caught in my throat.

  She looked so pale and small. Her skin was as white as the sheets she lay on, and there were dark circles under her eyes. Her usually carefully styled dark hair was frizzy, and her arm was hooked up to an IV.

  Tears stung the back of my eyes, and before I knew it, her name had slipped from my mouth like a prayer. “Megan … Can I come in?”

  She lifted her head, and her gaze settled on mine. Warmth filled her green eyes, and she patted the space on the bed next to her.

  Without hesitation I raced to her side, pulled off my jacket and threw it on the chair, then climbed onto the bed with her.

  I closed my eyes and gathered her in my arms, kissing the top of her head. “Thank God you’re okay. If anything had happened to you or Ella … well, it doesn’t bear thinking about.”

  “We’re fine.” She stared up at me, and her bottom lip quivered, then tears trailed down her cheeks.

  My pulse spiked. What had the scan revealed? “What is it? Have they told you what’s wrong?”

  “No. They’re still waiting for the results to come back. It’s just … it’s good to see you. I missed you.”

  My muscles relaxed, and I wrapped my arms tighter around her, wanting to protect her from the world. “I missed you too. And I’m sorry, you know, about the other day.”

  “That doesn’t matter right now.”

  My thoughts drifted back to my session with Ollie, and my claim that leopards didn’t change their spots. Fuck. Had I caused this by how I’d acted the last time we’d seen each other?

  “It does. This is all my fault. If I hadn’t been giving you mixed messages, you wouldn’t have gotten so upset.”

  Megan slipped out of my arms and gazed up at me, her mouth forming a thin line. “This isn’t all about you.” Shit. Wrong move. “I think I’ve just been working myself too hard, what with the presentation, and graduation looming, then trying to find a job too.”

  “All that stops now. I don’t want you lifting another finger until Ella is born.”

  She let out a tense laugh. “Are you forbidding me from working? Really? I appreciate you looking out for me, but I can’t just do nothing until she’s born. I still have to graduate and find work.”

  I paused for a moment, considering my words. I didn’t want to upset her by saying the wrong thing again, but I also wanted her to know I’d do anything to help fix this.

  “Let me look after you until Ella is born. I’ve got enough saved to support you, and I’ve spoken to my solicitor about buying into the gym.”

  “I can’t ask you to do that.”

  “You’re not asking, I’m offering. And I know you said before you’d be okay, but this time, I insist. I don’t want anything happening to you and Ella. If I can help in some way, please, for the love of God, let me.”

  I looked into her eyes, trying desperately to convey without words how much she and Ella meant to me, and that nothing would stop me making sure no harm ever came to them again.

  “Okay. Thank you.”

  “Anything you need, just ask.” Hearing footfall in the corridor outside, I kissed her again and then climbed down off the bed.

  My back went rigid as I waited for her parents to enter. But a moment later, Doctor Stone stepped through the door.

  “Megan … Kian. The good news is, it isn’t preeclampsia, which we were worried it could have been. But, based on your symptoms and results, it’s likely you have gestational hypertension. We’d like to keep you in overnight to monitor your condition, and then depending on how things are tomorrow, discuss a plan for your antenatal care after your release.”

  The word hypertension was fami
liar to me from my training, and the times I’d had to see a doctor for one reason or another, but I couldn’t recall what it meant, so I asked, “What’s gestational hypertension?”

  As Doctor Stone explained the diagnosis – something about heightened blood pressure – I tried to listen and take in what she was saying, but I couldn’t take my eyes off Meg, and I studied every detail of her face.

  Even when we were just hanging out in t-shirts and trackie bottoms, she always wore a little make-up, but all that had been scrubbed off, leaving her looking vulnerable and innocent. The fierce need to protect her blazed across my chest, making my heart race and the hairs on my arms stand on end.

  My attention was pulled from my thoughts, and back to the door as Doctor Stone left, and Megan’s parents, followed by Stacy, entered.

  I could see the resemblance between Megan and her mum instantly. They had the same green eyes, which her mum focused on me. I’d see that look before from Meg. She was pissed off.

  “What did the doctor say, love?” her dad asked.

  Megan told them Doctor Stone’s diagnosis, and I tried not to make it obvious I was listening to how they took the news.

  The tension radiating through Megan’s mum’s body flared. “That’s it. You’re moving in with us until Ella is born, and once you’ve graduated, I don’t want you doing anything. Job hunting can wait.”

  “I am not moving back in with you guys.” I could see the argument brewing between mother and daughter, and was impressed when Meg shot her mum down. It wasn’t just me she didn’t take crap from. “But after graduation, I will take it easy until Ella is born. Kian’s offered to use some of his savings to make sure I’m okay for money until after the birth, so I’ll spend the next few months resting. I promise.”

  My gaze drifted from Megan and her mum to Meg’s dad as he approached me. “You’re a good lad, son. Thanks for taking care of my girls.”

  Fire blazed in my chest. “It’s nothing, sir. They’re my girls, too, and I’d give anything to protect them.”

  I held my chin a little higher, and then looked at Megan’s mum, expecting her to say something. When she didn’t, I let out a breath. It was then that it hit me this was the first time we’d met. Introducing Megan to my parents a few weeks ago had been scary enough, but I’d been thrown into this completely unprepared.

  With amusement, I wondered what it was about me and Meg that had caused us both to meet the other’s families for the first time in hospital.

  “Mum, Dad, this is Kian. Kian, this is my parents,” Megan said.

  I stood up and approached Megan’s dad first, as he seemed the friendlier of the two. “Pleased to meet you.”

  “And you,” he said, shaking my hand.

  I flashed her mum my most charming smile and said, “Nice to meet you, Mrs Green.”

  The exchange was quick, and she barely shook my hand, before saying, “Yes, you too.”

  I took a step back, unsure if I should remain standing or sit down. The air was thick with tension, but I wasn’t giving Mrs Green the satisfaction of making me look away, so I remained where I was.

  “I think I’m going to turn in for the night. I’ll call you tomorrow after I’ve seen the doctor,” Megan said.

  Thank God.

  I didn’t want to leave yet, but I sure as hell wanted her parents to go. Maybe when I met them ‘officially’ Megan’s mum would stop shooting daggers at me.

  Though that hope was quickly dashed, as she pretty much shoved me aside to get to Megan and hug her. “Yes. Make sure you’re getting plenty of rest.”

  I stepped out of the way to let her dad pass.

  “You take care, love.”

  I sank into the chair and zoned out as Megan said goodbye to her parents, then discussed with Stacey what they were going to do about their uni presentations, and the things Meg had left at uni.

  I was just starting to grow restless when they finally left.

  Wanting to return to the closeness of earlier, I climbed onto the bed and wrapped my arms around her. “See, even more reason for you to take it easy and let me look after you. Doctor’s orders, and I pretty much promised your parents.”

  Megan let out a nervous laugh. “Yeah. Sorry about Mum. We had a bit of an argument in the ambulance, and I think she’s still pissed off with me.”

  Eager to put her mind at ease, I said, “She’s just worried about you. We all are.”

  I wanted to be closer to her, so I gently reached out, and started massaging the tension from her shoulders.

  “I know. I just …”

  It didn’t take much to fill in the gaps. I knew exactly what she was going through. I’d been there plenty of times myself. “A little too much at times? And you’d rather they left you alone unless you directly asked for their help?”

  “Yes! That’s exactly it. I love them, I really do, but when Mum and Dad get all overprotective like that, I can hardly breathe.”

  I laughed, both at the absurdity of the situation, and at how easily the two of us connected. It bought my thoughts back to my earlier internal debate, when I’d realised one of the reasons I liked Meg so much was because of how she just ‘got’ me. I would have never dreamed of telling any of the girls I’d slept with how overwhelmed by my life, and people’s interference in it, I got sometimes. Aside from not wanting to show any glimpse of weakness that would shatter the illusion of who they thought I was, it would have been just too damn difficult. With Megan, the words flowed from my mouth easily, because I knew there’d be no judgement at the end of them.

  “I know what it’s like. My parents were just as bad after the fight with Matthews. You know my mum suggested I move back in with them for a while too?”

  “It’s insane. You’d think by the way they went on when we lived with them they’d be glad to see the back of us. Suddenly, the moment we move out, they want to treat us like babies again. Promise me we’ll never be that overprotective with Ella.”

  The cloud that’d hung in the air earlier evaporated, and I smiled. “Are you kidding me? Of course we will.”

  Megan laughed, and something inside me flared to life. It was so good seeing the colour return to her cheeks and hear the pressure lift from her voice.

  “Oh, yeah. I forgot, tough guy Daddy doesn’t want our daughter having a boyfriend or anything.”

  “Damn right. What if she meets someone like me?”

  “She could do a lot worse.”

  The words hung in the air and my fingers paused.

  Damn it. I’d done it again.

  Unconsciously, I’d slipped into the role of protective boyfriend. I hadn’t even been aware I was doing it, it’d felt that natural.

  But Megan had obviously noticed.

  With the gestational hypertension, the last thing she needed was me stressing her out with my indecisiveness. I knew, for the sanity of both of us, I had to get away and think about what I really wanted.

  “I should be getting off.”

  “Yeah, I should probably try and get some sleep. I’ll call you in the morning after I’ve spoken with Doctor Stone.” I picked up on how flat her voice sounded.

  I really needed to put some space between us before I did any more damage.

  I jumped down off the bed and threw on my jacket. “Okay. I’ll speak to you tomorrow.”

  Not daring to look back, I left the room, and made my way outside and back to my car.

  It was just starting to get dark when I got home, and my stomach rumbled. I hadn’t eaten since that morning. Knowing I’d need to get back into shape if I bought into the gym, I decided against takeout, and cooked an omelette instead. When I’d finished eating and had cleaned up, I flicked on the telly and turned to something random, just to give the room some background noise. Even though I needed to think, silence would drive me insane.

  Tuning out the comedy panel show that was on, I thought about what was happening between Megan and me. Her words from our last argument played in my mind: ‘I can�
��t keep pretending like we’re a couple when we’re not.’ I hadn’t noticed it fully until earlier, but somewhere during the course of the pregnancy, we’d gone from two people having a baby together to practically a couple. We were always touching when we hung out together, and we chatted on the phone virtually every day. I could confide in Megan like I could no one else.

  Everything you’d expect to find in a relationship.

  I knew, given the chance, the physical side would be there too. We’d connected on the night we’d met, and since then my attraction to her had only grown. It was more than just sex though; I could get that any time I wanted. I was sick of meaningless encounters. For the first time in my life, I wanted the other stuff. The real stuff.

  Then take a chance.

  I closed my eyes and let myself picture what it’d be like to be with Megan.

  Not that much would actually change from how it already was, but she knew what being with me would entail. She understood the ups and downs of me going through therapy, and my professional life taking a new direction. I hadn’t forgotten what she’d said to me in hospital when she’d confessed her feelings for me:

  “I know exactly who you are. I know that a lot of the time you let your anger get the better of you. I know that you act first and think later. I know you like to be in control, and get your own way. I know all this, and I don’t care, because you’re also passionate, and stand up for what you believe in. You’re determined, and always striving to do your best. You’re loyal, and considerate. You know you’ve got faults, but you’re getting help with your problems.”

  She’d seen me at my worst, she knew what I was capable of, and she’d seen through the façade I showed the world. She saw the real me, and instead of being horrified, she still cared about me. Still wanted me.

  Wasn’t that exactly what I wanted?

  Yes, but think of the risks. You’re too selfish to make this work. Sooner or later, you’ll get bored, or you’ll lose your temper, or you’ll fuck up in some other way, because you always do. A leopard doesn’t change its spots.