Beyond What is Given

by Rebecca Yarros

  “Oh man, that’s the last thing she needs.” Mia rubbed her hands over her face.

  “So he has a girlfriend?” I asked, my voice cracking on the last word.

  She stilled, then slid her hand down her face. Truth sang out from her eyes, no matter how she tried to hide it. “Grace…Grace is really complicated. Like amazingly, soap-opera-worthy complicated, and it’s just not my place. I promised him.” She whispered the last part, a plea in her brown eyes to understand.

  Oh, I understood all right. You’re so incredibly stupid. Well, at least you didn’t fuck this one, right? “You guys need to get going or you’ll miss your plane.”

  She skirted around the wall into the kitchen and took my hand, which was suddenly freezing. “You need to let him explain. Don’t jump to conclusions. Don’t be that girl who freaks out over a miscommunication. Just give him a chance.”

  “Name one reason why I should,” I asked.

  “Because he’s alive around you. You’re the first reason I’ve seen him smile in almost five years. Seeing him here…with you, it’s like having him back again. You don’t see it, but I do. That’s why I came here. The minute he said your name in the car, it was like…a light clicked on. I had to know you. Please, give him a chance to explain.”

  What was there to explain about a girlfriend back in North Carolina? Of course that’s why he went home as often as possible. How stupid could I have been? I took my hand back and gripped the kitchen counter.

  What the hell was wrong with me? Was I only attracted to guys who were already taken?

  “Mia?” Grayson called, barreling down the steps. “You ready? We have to go now or we’ll miss our flight.”

  He rounded the corner and shook his head as he looked at the kitchen. “Sam, I’m so sorry to leave you with this mess.”

  I laughed, snorting as I sucked in air, and then continuing like a hyena. “The kitchen? That’s your idea of a mess?”

  His mouth dropped open a fraction. The mouth I’d had against mine just a few minutes ago. “Samantha?” He moved to touch me, and I jerked back.

  “She knows about Grace,” Mia offered quietly.

  He swung toward her like he’d been slapped. “You?”

  “Parker,” she whispered.

  “Fuck.” He seethed.

  It only made me laugh harder, nearly hysterical. “Oh, now you swear.”

  “Sam, it’s really complicated.” He stepped forward, but I retreated until my back was against the chocolate-covered counter.

  My laughter died. “Do you have a girlfriend in North Carolina, Grayson?”

  A muscle in his jaw ticked, and his hands flexed. “That’s not a simple question, and it takes a hell of a lot more than five minutes to answer.”

  “We’re going to miss our flight,” Mia said quietly.

  Why was I drawn to cheating bastards? Like mother, like daughter. “Take my car and go, Mia. I’m not coming home this weekend.”

  “Go, Grayson.” My fingers dug into the counter, brownie mix sliding into the crevices of my fingers. My hands remembered all too well the feel of Harrison’s face as I slapped him in the quad, the satisfying sound of retribution and anger. But where I tried to draw up anger here, there was only sadness. “You are the last person I want to see right now, so just go.”

  He shook his head. “No. I’m not leaving you until you understand.”

  “You’re going to miss your flight.” Don’t come any closer, please.

  “I don’t care. Mia, take my car and go. I’ll get it from the airport tomorrow.”

  “You have to go. Now. Because your girlfriend there is in the hospital with kidney problems, and the girl you just kissed here doesn’t want anything to do with you.” My knees started to shake, and my stomach roiled. How the hell did he have the nerve to look like I’d just snapped his heart in two?

  He raked his hands over his hair, and I could almost see the devil and the angel on his shoulder, determining his choice. He sighed and closed his eyes, and I knew North Carolina and…Grace had won—as she should have. He reached out slowly, like I was going to bite him, and cupped my face. I flinched away, but he followed me. “This conversation isn’t over. I’ll explain as soon as I’m back, and you’re going to listen.”

  “Planes don’t wait for anyone.”

  “Sam,” he whispered.

  “Go.”

  He searched my eyes with an intensity that made it impossible to look away. Then he nodded once. “I’ll call you when I get there.”

  I didn’t answer, just like I planned to do with his phone calls. He could shove them where the sun didn’t shine.

  He walked out of the kitchen, taking Mia with him. A few moments later I heard the front door open and shut, then Grayson’s truck pull out of the driveway. My knees gave out, and I slid down to the floor, wincing when the cabinet handles dug into my skin. I wrapped my arms around my knees and tucked into the smallest ball possible.

  I wasn’t sure how long I sat there, but my butt was numb by the time Ember opened the front door. “Yoo-hoo!”

  “I’m in the kitchen,” I called out, my voice inflectionless.

  She walked in and dropped her purse on the counter as she surveyed the damage. “Well, this is one way to redecorate.”

  “I made such an epic mess!” I sobbed uncontrollably, my entire body shaking from the force of emotion I couldn’t contain. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get my feet under me, couldn’t seem to unbury myself from the crap I just kept heaping on.

  Ember sank to the floor, wrapping her arm around me and pulling my head to her shoulder. “We’ll clean it up, Sam. No matter what it is.”

  I cried in the arms of my best friend until my tears ran dry. For the part of me that died the minute I found out the truth about Harrison. For getting kicked out of school. For every rejection letter. For every one of my mother’s expectations that I’d failed.

  For losing Grayson, when he’d only been mine for the duration of a kiss.

  I told her everything as the tears fell to a trickle, from Harrison to Grayson, and she didn’t speak, only listened until I’d verbally vomited everything…everything but the emails. “He’s my roommate, Ember. I’m such an idiot.”

  She rested her head against mine. “You see the best in everyone, Sam, you always have. You have the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met, and if that makes you an idiot, then I wish everyone was stupid.”

  “And how stupid and selfish does it make me that for the smallest of seconds, when I found out about her, I didn’t care? I just wanted to keep feeling the way I do around him.”

  “That just makes you human.”

  I had to be stronger than my mistakes if I was ever going to stop the epic fuck-up train I’d somehow boarded this last year. I sent Ember out to dinner with Josh and scoured the kitchen, top-to-bottom, and then I rearranged everything, just to piss Grayson off.

  And when he called…I didn’t answer.

  Chapter Twelve

  Grayson

  “I come bearing gifts.” Miranda smiled as she waddled into Grace’s hospital room, a cooler bag over her shoulder. Her blond hair was pulled back into a ponytail, highlighting the heart-shaped face she shared with Grace.

  “You’re not supposed to be carrying anything.” I took the warm bag.

  “Yeah, well I figured you could use some good home cookin’.” She made her way to the chair at Grace’s bedside and deflated into it. “God, I feel the size of a house.”

  “You’re beautiful.”

  She raised an eyebrow and ignored me. “Nothing new?”

  I shook my head. “She’s on antibiotics, so now we wait for the infection to clear.”

  “How have you been?” she asked, motioning to the bag. “Eat while you talk.”

  I unpacked hot biscuits and gravy. “A lot better now. Thank you, Miranda.”

  “Life in Alabama?”

  Sam’s face flashed across my mind. Damn it. Why wouldn’t she
answer my phone calls? I had to explain. She had to understand.

  “Gray?”

  I blinked. “Busy.”

  “Mom says you’re still here once a month, if not more.”

  I nodded. “I get back as often as I can, and it’s never really enough.”

  “I…appreciate that. She does, too.” She sighed. “But you have a life to lead, Gray. You can’t just…waste away here with her. I know you want to. I know you would have died in her place. But you didn’t, and you deserve a life that doesn’t revolve around”—she motioned to the hospital room—“around all of this.”

  My appetite died a swift death. “It’s exactly what I deserve.”

  She tilted her head to the side and rubbed her hand over her stomach. “You didn’t do this to her, Gray. I know no matter how many times I say that, you’re still not going to believe me, but you didn’t do this.”

  My gaze darted to Grace, her eyes still closed peacefully as her chest rose and fell with even breaths. It was easier while she slept, where I could pretend that she’d wake up and we’d have the same fight about me going off to the Citadel while she had opted for UNC. When she was awake…well, there was no pretending.

  An alarm beeped on Miranda’s phone and she sighed as she silenced it. “Well, that’s my signal to get upstairs to OB. Time for the weekly poke-n-prod. This little gal is just about ready to make her jailbreak.”

  I offered my arm and pulled her to standing. “Thanks, Gray. I’m awful with balance lately.”

  “No problem.”

  “We’re still really hopeful for her cord blood,” she said as she neared the door. “I’ve read a ton of research on stem cells, and if she’s a match, there’s a chance the University of Texas—”

  “That’s great, Miranda. I’m really happy for you and James. Your daughter is one lucky kiddo to get you two as parents.” I had to cut her off. Hope was something I couldn’t afford anymore. Not after five years.

  She tilted her head, so Grace-like, and paused before a small smile peeked through. “I meant what I said, Gray. You’ve grown into a good man. None of this is your fault. None of it.”

  She left for her appointment, and I turned my attention to Grace, pulling my chair closer so I could hold her hand while she slept. Her fingers were so slender, long to match the rest of her dancer’s body. Well, the body that had once danced.

  It didn’t matter what anyone else said. I knew the truth.

  I’d done this to her.

  Sam still wasn’t answering my calls. I gripped my cell phone so tight I thought it might crack and rested my forehead against the wall in the hospital hallway. I was ripping in two, half of me here with Grace, where I was obligated to be, and the other at Fort Rucker, where I needed to be.

  I touched the icon next to Josh’s name, and it started to ring.

  “Man, I have no clue what the hell you were thinking, but you’ve had me cock-blocked all weekend.”

  “How is she?” Damn, was that my voice or a frog?

  “My girlfriend? She hasn’t had nearly enough sex due to the insane ice-cream mope-fest your girlfriend is putting her through. Or wait, are you in North Carolina with your other girlfriend? Does kissing the hell out of your roommate make her your girlfriend? I’m all sorts of confused.” His voice was about as subtle as a razor blade.

  What the hell was Sam? My girlfriend? My friend? My roommate? Fuck. I wanted her, that much was pretty self-evident by the raging hard-on I got the minute we breathed the same air. But it wasn’t just sexual. I admired her strength, her courage, the way she stood up after she got knocked down. Hell, I even liked the way she had an impetuous streak…as long as she kept her ass off the bar. But saying she was my girlfriend was a commitment, and how could I make that kind of statement when I was still committed to Grace?

  “Masters?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Is it true? Do you have a girlfriend there?” His voice dropped just beneath hostile.

  Shouldn’t there have been an audible boom, or something else to signify my worlds crashing together? Shit. I needed advice.

  “Have you ever kept something from Ember? Something you knew wasn’t deliberately to hurt her, but could just…wreck everything?” I had officially turned into one of those drunk frat boys at one a.m. telling everyone he loved them.

  Josh went quiet for a breath. “Yeah. I have. Jagger has, too, and we both almost lost the women we love because of it. All I can say is learn from us and don’t wait until it’s almost too late. We both fucked that one up. Whatever’s going on, you have to put your cards on the table with Sam. She’s been through too much shit for you to pile yours on, too. Lay it all out, and then let her decide if she wants to put up with your ass.”

  “It’s just…really complicated.” And that didn’t begin to cover the half of it.

  “It always is, otherwise we wouldn’t keep it from them, right? Besides, weren’t you the one dishing out the same advice to Jagger not too long ago?”

  “Yeah, well, it’s a hell of a lot harder to get perspective when you’re in the middle of it.”

  Josh laughed. “Yeah, the view is a hell of a lot clearer from that really tall horse you like to ride.”

  I scoffed. “Kiss my ass.” A nurse waived to me, signaling that they’d finished running this round of tests. “I have to go, but I’ll be home around five.”

  “Sounds good. Sam works this afternoon, so don’t be surprised if she’s not here when you get back.”

  “Thanks for the heads-up.” At least he was still looking out for me. Hopefully they weren’t waiting with pitchforks and torches when I got back. I’d done some serious damage to Sam, and she’d been their friend a hell of a lot longer than I had. We hung up, and I headed back into Grace’s room. I only had another hour or so before I had to leave for the airport.

  She was sitting up now, staring toward the television screen where she watched One Tree Hill for the tenth time.

  “Hey.” I kissed her forehead, and she blinked. I’d gotten used to that being the only response I’d get. “How about we do some reading? You usually like that.”

  I pulled out the new copy of The Odyssey I’d just ordered. It had shown up on the syllabus for Sam’s fall class, and I could use a brush-up on my Greek poetry. It was the hardest to read for me, and the best practice.

  I made it through the first page without issue, watching Grace to see if she’d react, or even acknowledge that I was still there with her. I flipped the page and started again, but paused when my brain didn’t want to cooperate.

  “You’d think this would get easier after all these years, right?” I asked Grace. “But here we are. I’m still reading to you like we’re seven, and you’re still listening to me without judgment.” Except she didn’t climb into my lap anymore.

  I got back to the pages and began to read aloud.

  “‘Oh for shame, how the mortals put the blame on us gods, for they say evils come from us, but it is they, rather, who by their own recklessness win sorrow beyond what is given…’” My voice trailed off.

  It was my recklessness that brought us here.

  “God, I’m so sorry, baby.” I closed the book and laid my cheek against the back of her warm hand, wishing the other would come over to run her fingers through my hair like she used to. Wishing she’d offer the advice only a best friend could. “I’m sorry for everything that’s brought us here and for what I have to tell you now.”

  I sat up and took the empty place on her bed, so I could look into her eyes, even if she wouldn’t look back at me. “I know you can hear me, and I wish… God, I wish so many things. But I would kill for you to speak to me, Grace.”

  Her skin was soft beneath my fingers as I picked up her hand and placed it against my heart. “I’ve met someone, Gracie, and I don’t know what it means. I don’t. She’s not you,” I whispered, and then laughed softly. “She’s hard where you’re soft, and she’s stubborn where you’re so peaceful. She’s all fire, an
d sass, and a touch of insanity, I’m pretty sure. But she does something to me, makes me see the world again. She’s so hurt, and she’s struggling to repair this wreck she’s made of her life, and I think I can help her.

  “I crossed a line with her that I’m not sure I should have, and I kissed her. I’m so sorry. But I don’t know where the line is anymore. It’s so blurred when it comes to her, and you, and everything that was between us…is between us? I don’t know anymore. I don’t know anything except what I feel when I’m around her. And she…she makes me feel alive in a way I haven’t been since I lost you. She makes me feel like I’m flying my helicopter. Free. Like I’m standing on the edge of something I can barely control, and it could be the most amazing ride of my life, or I could burn one into the ground.”

  I squeezed her hand as my voice broke. “God, Grace. Tell me what to do. You’ve been my best friend since we could walk, the only woman I thought I’d ever keep around for the rest of my life, so tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.”

  I searched the big brown eyes I’d grown up loving—the ones that had cried when she’d skinned her knee riding my first bike, or gone hazy with passion when we’d lost our virginities our junior year. Now they stared through me, like she couldn’t bear to hear what I was saying.

  I waited for words that never came. She wasn’t going to absolve me of this sin any more than she was going to scream at me for betraying her. I would get the same silent treatment I always did, no matter how many days I stayed at her bedside. The same silent treatment I deserved.

  “Hey, you ready?” Mia asked as she knocked gently on the door.

  I pulled the raw edges of my nerves back together and kissed Grace’s forehead, receiving just the blink, as usual. “I’ll see you in a few weeks, baby.”

  While I gathered my things, Mia said hi to Grace in hushed tones I couldn’t quite make out.

  She held in her excitement until we reached the elevator to the ground floor. “You’re coming home for your birthday?” Mia asked with a huge grin, pulsing a few times on her tiptoes.

  “I’m coming for the Fourth of July with…my friends.”