Trust

by Casey Diam

  The need to know and wanting not to know what he would think of me collided. Dropping my head, I nibbled on my lip again before deciding to be honest with him. I nodded and tilted my head. The need to know was stronger.

  “Why?” he asked.

  I blinked rapidly as I felt a bucket drop down into the well, trying to scoop out some of the unshed tears I’d also pitched down there. My throat constricted, and my head jerked from side to side.

  “Okay,” he whispered, leaning down to kiss my forehead.

  The touch of his lips was so soft and warm that it soothed the fear of the fifteen-year-old me who’d been reaching into that well.

  When we got on the train to Quincy, no seats remained, so I leaned onto Caleb as he held a bar above us. My front was to his front, and my arms were around his waist for the whole fifteen minutes it took to reach the stop. I didn’t understand why, but it felt right to be with him like this, and I didn’t want it to end. This moment was all that mattered.

  Five minutes after we got out of the train station, we descended a set of stairs into a small underground bar. This place was hidden behind the main street bars and swarmed with people for a Monday night. While a live band was onstage, performing a cover to an alternative song I hadn’t heard in a while, conversations carried through the entire place, although it sounded more like a bunch of noise coming from the diverse crowd, people either sitting or standing at tables.

  Caleb took my hand and guided me through the crowd, seeming to know exactly where he was going. He stopped at a corner booth against the wall with a clear view of the stage. He moved his arm across my back and clasped the ball of my shoulder.

  “This is my friend Calvin.” Caleb knocked his fist to the buff dude barely fitting into the seat even though he sat at the end of the table.

  Calvin’s buzz-cut black hair complemented the super soldier he looked like with his build. He was also unique in appearance—in that, he didn’t look black, white, or Hispanic, but rather a combination—and he was quite good-looking.

  Calvin extended his hand and gave me a firm handshake. “Nice to meet you.”

  “That’s Calvin’s friend Lisa with the curly hair. And the blonde is Lisa’s friend Amber,” Caleb continued.

  I opted to hold my hand up for a wave since Lisa and Amber sat at the center of the booth, two colorful cocktails before them.

  His lips brushed my ear as he asked, “Do you want something to drink? Eat? They have really good burgers here.”

  I was about to refuse, but I hadn’t eaten much today, and this wasn’t like me. Food was priority. It was what kept me energized since I had to stay away from caffeine; it made me too anxious. Alcohol too. Yet still I’d gone out and drank it. “Sure. I’ll have what you’re having, but nooooo alcohol.” Last night had been awful.

  He grinned down at me. “Got it.” Then he looked at Calvin. “Hook it up, man, but I’ll take my food after.”

  After?

  “I don’t have to eat now. I could just eat after, too,” I said, not wanting to be an inconvenience and the reason he was tasking out Calvin like he was his employee, not his friend.

  His lips twitched into a mischievous smile like there was more to what he was telling Calvin that I wasn’t in on. “Aren’t you hungry?”

  “Yeah, but—”

  “But, shh... just sit your cute butt down.”

  Calvin left the table with his bottle of beer, and I took off my backpack, hugging it to my chest as I slid into the booth. My eyes shifted to the two girls, and I gave them a friendly smile, all the while thinking I must look like a freak with my backpack. And, although most of the people in the bar were casually dressed, I felt less than pretty in comparison to Lisa and Amber. They looked flawless in their makeup.

  And then I wondered what it even mattered.

  It didn’t take long for me to find the answer. It mattered because of Caleb. I wanted to look good for him. Instead, I looked like a homeless girl with her backpack.

  A chuckle bubbled its way up my throat.

  I am homeless.

  “What’s so funny?” Caleb asked, resting his elbow on the table and pivoting to me.

  “Life.” Another giggle came free, and I shook my head.

  “Hmm, are you sure you’re not still drunk from last night?”

  “Who knows?”

  When I saw the way he was looking at me, my laughing stopped. My body reacted, and I became aware of his leg pressing against mine, the tip of his tongue moistening his lips, and the heat circulating my core. I wanted him again. God, he tasted like... what did he taste like? Something distinctly him. Something sexy, something... like a treat. A delectable treat. People say too much of one thing is a bad thing. Not Caleb. He’s my indulgence, and I want him over and over. And all over again.

  His mouth grew into a wide smile, and I realized I’d been staring at his lips. I drew in a shuddering breath as my eyes refocused on his.

  “Holy shit!” Calvin remarked, fetching me out of whatever universe Caleb had lured me into. “Seriously. There are other people in the bar, you know. I just want to make that clear. You aren’t alone.”

  Apparently, we weren’t alone. He handed me a bottle of water and Caleb a beer, shaking his head in disapproval as he took a seat.

  “Over here looking all coupled up. You know how many hearts you’re going to break tonight, dude?” Calvin hassled.

  Caleb stuck out his middle finger as he took a swig of his beer.

  “I mean, I’m more than willing to pick up the pieces, dude. I’m just saying. Thank you!”

  Caleb didn’t respond, just turned his attention to me and pulled me closer.

  But, now, I was curious because he talking about Caleb breaking hearts—and hearts as in more than one, as in there were girls here who wanted Caleb for themselves. I pushed those thoughts away. I could ask him about that later. I’d just met his friends, and... well, who was I to lay claim on him?

  Twenty minutes later, while I gobbled the last few bites of the burger that had been set in front of me, Caleb whispered, “This is for you,” before leaving the table.

  Talk about confusing. It was like he and Calvin had been talking in code all night, but whatever. This burger—he wasn’t kidding—was the bomb.

  “Good, right?” Calvin asked. “I’ve already had two. I could never eat just one of that shit. Damn, I used to fit in these tables at one point.”

  I almost choked from laughter, and when a familiar voice echoed through the microphone, I about choked for a whole different reason. Caleb was onstage. Caleb was holding a guitar. Then all I could think about was Dad and his guitar.

  My past and my present seemed to merge.

  Dad... Caleb... what?

  “Tonight, I’ll be doing a cover of Goo Goo Dolls’ ‘Iris.’ Hope you like it. If you don’t, well, we’ll just blame it on Ron’s guitar.”

  Whistles and laughs resounded inside the bar, and I tuned in to...

  Wait, Caleb. Caleb is onstage. Caleb? Not Dad. Oh my God...

  Shaky fingers clutched my bag at my side, bringing it to my chest, my mouth hanging open as his fingers started to graze effortlessly over the guitar strings. A sweet, raspy voice joined the beautiful chords moments later, and I was stuck between wanting to run and wanting to absorb it.

  His voice... how is this possible?

  He sounded like my dad.

  The videos in my dad’s studio, of his performances when he was younger, melded with the man onstage, and my breath caught in my chest.

  Oh God!

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Caleb

  My smile faded more the closer I got to our table booth in the corner. Paige looked like she was in some kind of trance, her eyes still fixed on the stage even though I wasn’t there anymore. Calvin shrugged when I gave him a questioning look. Lowering myself into the seat next to her, I held her cheek in my palm and turned her head toward me and away from anyone else’s attention. I felt the wetness on her
cheek before I saw the redness in her eyes.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “You stopped,” she whispered.

  Figuring she must be referring to my performance, I said, “Yeah.”

  “Why? You...” A fresh stream of tears rolled onto my hand as she trailed off. “You,” she tried again. “You play like my dad.”

  The admission seemed to pain her. Right then, I knew this wasn’t about me; it was about her dad.

  “Is that a bad thing?”

  She shook her head and inhaled deeply, trying to calm herself. I leaned in and kissed the outer corner of her eye.

  “I was trying to cheer you up, not make you cry.”

  “I’m sorry I ruin everything, but you make me feel.”

  My lips were still pressed to the side of her eye, and she didn’t need to explain further because I knew what she meant.

  “I tried to be numb for so long, and then you came along,” she added, “and now, everything’s fucked. I don’t know why; it’s just fucked.”

  The cute sadness in her voice made a small laugh jerk my chest. Shifting one hand to the nape of her neck, I let the other circle around her back as she relaxed her head on my chest.

  “Do you want to stay here or go?”

  “I don’t know. Depends on if anyone saw me making a fool of myself while I cried like a baby.”

  “Don’t worry about them. This place is like a second home, and I like that you’re here. You should stay.”

  “Okay.” Her head lifted from my chest. “I’ll go clean up in the restroom.”

  “Wait, you have something right here.”

  My thumb moved to the corner of her lips, and then I pressed my lips to hers. The move was meant to steal a kiss, but as our lips moved together, I couldn’t pull away. Her lips still tasted like bubblegum but with a hint of salt. I couldn’t get enough of her, and I was barely staying afloat with the hunger threatening to engulf us both. When my tongue reached for hers, hers met with mine, almost as if she knew my body, what it wanted, and when. We were in sync.

  “Oh, wow!” a girl squawked. “Seriously, I must be drunk. Is this really happening?” And that would be Amber.

  “Fuck,” I cursed under my breath when I realized I was seconds away from ravishing Paige on the seat.

  She had somehow ended up in my lap, and with the way the seats were positioned, she hadn’t gotten there by herself. When had this happened?

  “Sorry,” I murmured, rubbing my hand over her back. “You shouldn’t have kissed me back.”

  I looked up to Amber and Lisa, each of whom had one hand on a hip, and an orange-colored cocktail was pointing toward me. Their mirroring movement was telltale to how long they’d known each other. Neither of them knew me beyond my musical abilities or the one or two girls I’d openly taken back to my place from here over the years, including one of which was staring at me. I didn’t mind having them around; they were distracting. That was one of the things I loved about this place—the distraction from life outside of these walls.

  “Hush, Amber,” I said, grasping Paige’s hips and moving her firm ass back onto the seat next to me. Then I regretted it. I wanted her on me, all over me, not next to me.

  “You hush. You said you were bringing a friend. That’s what we’ve been telling your little fan club, and now, they think we’re liars.”

  “Well, the lying part shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. I mean, it’s you,” Calvin said dryly.

  Calvin and Amber had hooked up a couple of years ago at a party, and although he hadn’t mentioned anything in years, sometimes, I got the feeling he still wanted to get back into her pants, even after what she’d done to him.

  Amber’s head swung to Calvin. “Great. Thanks for that.”

  My head turned to Paige. “You can go to the restroom now. You never know what you’ll get when it comes to these two. Sometimes, they’re sweet, and sometimes, they’re sour.”

  They were a damn walking ad for the Sour Patch Kids.

  As Paige made her way to the restroom, I nodded to Calvin to follow me over to the bar. A bartender placed two bottled beers on the counter before we could even ask, and I smiled my appreciation.

  Calvin picked up his beer and said, “Dude,” before bringing the bottle to his mouth.

  I already knew what he was thinking, so I guzzled about half of the contents in my own bottle, waiting for him to say it.

  “I don’t even know who you are right now, all tenderness and shit. I thought—fuck, I don’t even know what I thought.”

  “Yeah, I know.” Leaning my elbow on the bar, I scratched at the stubble on my jaw.

  “Seriously, though, what are you doing with her?”

  I shook my head. “I have no fucking idea, but I can’t stop. If I could, I wouldn’t have invited her to my apartment or here.”

  I didn’t even have the balls to tell him I had taken her virginity. It felt wrong in so many ways each time I was away from her, but as soon as she was within reach, I knew right away that I’d do it again.

  “You’re so fucked.”

  “Yeah,” I muttered, taking a drink.

  “You’re going to have to tell her everything.”

  My eyebrows rose because not even Calvin knew everything. “I can’t say anything until I know she’s ready. Although, at this point, I think I’d rather run away with her than deal with this shit.”

  “Yeah? Well, think about what she’ll do when she finds out you’ve been lying to her.”

  An image of Paige holding a knife to my neck came to mind. “Yeah, I don’t want to think about that.”

  “Just don’t wait too long, man. But, for real, I still can’t believe Brad did that. I mean, he’s your brother, for Christ’s sake.”

  The fourteen years I’d known Calvin, he still didn’t know Brad wasn’t my real brother, yet Paige knew the truth. I should tell him soon, but he’d believed the lie so long that I didn’t know how to change it without changing our friendship.

  A solemn look crossed his face. “Sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “Not realizing it was this serious until now. You told me, but I didn’t really get it.”

  We grabbed another beer before heading back over to our table where Amber and Lisa were talking to Paige. Her long hair was to one side of her head, leaving her neck exposed to me. So damn inviting. Like she’d purposely moved her hair out of the way for me—at least, that was how I saw it. Sliding in next to her, I pulled her to my side, and she went rigid before relaxing. At which point, I didn’t waste any time before nuzzling my face into her neck.

  “Seriously, what did you give him?” Lisa inquired.

  “Your virginity,” I whispered in Paige’s ear, though the noise in the bar drowned out everything I was saying to her.

  She gasped, jerking away, but I followed and continued my assault on her neck.

  “Caleb.” Paige giggled, trying to escape me, but I’d already set my beer down, and she wasn’t going anywhere. “Stop, your beard tickles.”

  My lips moved against her skin in a wide grin. She sounded happy. She’d never laughed like this around me, and it wasn’t that I minded being there for her when she was sad, but I liked when she was happy. I wanted it to last, but I knew it wouldn’t be long before she was either having a nightmare or mistrusting the world around her.

  “I know it tickles.” My lips skimmed up to her ear. “Tell me, does it tickle between your thighs when I’m licking your pussy?”

  “Oh,” Paige sighed, her struggles receding, and she weakened to the point of lying down on her side on the seat while I leaned over her.

  My smile grew wider. I had her, and the rising ache in my groin was sure of it, too.

  “Are you sleeping over tonight?” I asked.

  “Holy shit! You two need to stop. I’m two seconds away from either throwing up or fucking the next guy I see,” Lisa swore. A small hand slapped my shoulder with each word she announced. “Leave. Her. Alone. Dam
n it, you animal.”

  “Fine.” I sat up straight and raised my hands where everyone could see them before picking up my beer.

  Lisa persuaded Paige closer to her side of the seat, and my eyes narrowed as I suddenly felt the need to shield her.

  But from what? From my friends? From other people getting too close to her? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me?

  Taking a long swig of beer from my bottle, I looked around the bar, noticing a few heads turning away, which meant they had to have been looking at me to begin with.

  What the hell?

  “Excuse me,” Amber said to Calvin, trying to get out of the table booth.

  “Where are you going?” he asked, not bothering to look at her.

  “Since when do I answer to you?”

  “Since you need me to let you out—again.”

  “Just move. Seriously, why are you being such an ass tonight?”

  “Hmm. I don’t know. Maybe because you’re drunk more than usual, and let me guess, you see someone you like.”

  Amber resembled a child being told she couldn’t play with her favorite toy while Calvin looked about ready to murder someone.

  What the fuck’s been going on with these two?

  “Calvin, let her be. Sheesh,” Lisa defended. “It’s a no-judgment zone. Everyone at this table can fuck whoever they want.”

  Paige’s eyes locked with mine, and I could almost see the neurons in her brain sparking, making all the wrong connections in trying to figure me out. I smirked. I wasn’t going to make it any easier for her. Anything I revealed would be tit for tat.

  During the next hour, Paige and I had begun sliding closer and closer to each other until she was in my arms again. This time, I behaved even though, by then, Lisa and Amber were too drunk to pay attention to anything besides the five guys in the booth next to us. Or not...

  “Too bad you’re with Caleb, Paige. Someone over here is digging you,” Lisa sang, her knees planted in the seat as she leaned over the back of the chair connecting us to the other booth.

  Paige’s head shifted on my chest, and she looked up at me.

  Damn, she’s gorgeous.

  “My head’s starting to hurt again. I only slept three hours last night.”