Shopaholic & Baby

by Sophie Kinsella

  “I’m not getting divorced!” I say, trying to keep my patience. “I need it…for a different reason. Do you have a copy?”

  “Well, now. Ordinarily, Mrs. Brandon, I would have a copy to you within the hour. However…” He pauses.

  “What’s wrong?” I say anxiously.

  “Unfortunately, there’s been a slight mishap with the client secure storage facility.” Dave Sharpness exhales. “Our office manager, Wendy, and a pot of coffee. I won’t go into details, but some of our archives are…well, to put it bluntly, a bit of a mess. We’ve had to throw a lot of it out.”

  “But I need it! I need everything you’ve got on Iain Wheeler. You know, that guy you thought was my husband? Any photos, or evidence of those hushed-up cases…”

  “Mrs. Brandon, I’ll do my best. I’ll have a search through, see what I’ve got….”

  “And can you courier it round as soon as you find anything?”

  “Will do.”

  “Thanks,” I say. “I really do appreciate it.”

  I switch off the phone, my heart beating fast. I’ll get that evidence. And if it’s all ruined, I’ll just commission another investigation. We’ll bring Iain Wheeler down.

  Jess appears again through the crush, holding a Danny Kovitz balloon. She looks a bit surprised to see me lurking behind the wigs.

  “Hi, Becky,” she says, as I come out into the main throng. “I just saw Suze and she’s trying on about a hundred things. D’you feel like a cup of tea?”

  “Actually…I feel a bit tired,” I say, as a customer nearly elbows me in the stomach. “I might head home soon and have a rest. I’ll just say good-bye to everyone….”

  “Good idea.” Jess nods vigorously. “Save your energy for tomor—” She stops.

  “Tomorrow?” I say, puzzled. “What’s happening tomorrow?”

  “I mean…for the baby.” Jess’s eyes slide away evasively. “For the birth. Whenever it is.”

  What on earth is she…

  And then it hits me. She’s in on the secret too. That’s what she let slip!

  My surprise baby shower is tomorrow!

  SURPRISE BABY SHOWER—POSSIBLE OUTFITS

  1. Pink PARTY glittery T-shirt, maternity jeans, silver shoes

  PROS: Will look fab.

  CONS: Won’t look like I was surprised.

  2. Nightie and dressing gown, no makeup, hair ratty

  PROS: Will look surprised.

  CONS: Will look crap.

  3. Juicy Couture jogging tracksuit

  PROS: Will look informal yet sleek. Like Hollywood celebrity relaxing at home.

  CONS: Do not fit into Juicy Couture jogging tracksuit.

  4. Maternity “Ginger Spice” Union Jack dress and matching wig, bought in summer sale, 90% off

  PROS: Have not had a chance to wear it yet.

  CONS: No one else may be in fancy dress.

  * * *

  KENNETH PRENDERGAST

  Prendergast de Witt Connell Financial Advisers

  Forward House

  394 High Holborn

  London WC1V 7EX

  Mrs. R Brandon

  37 Maida Vale Mansions

  Maida Vale

  London NW6 0YF

  3 December 2003

  Dear Mrs. Brandon,

  Thank you for your letter.

  I cannot agree with any of your points and will answer only by saying that investment is not supposed to be “fun.” I assure you that I would not change my mind if I could see your collection of 1930s lipstick cases. And I doubt very much they—or any part of your portfolio—will “make you a million.”

  Yours sincerely,

  Kenneth Prendergast

  Family Investment Specialist

  * * *

  NINETEEN

  IF ONLY I KNEW what time I was being surprised.

  It’s eight o’clock the following morning, and I’m dressed and made up and all ready. In the end I went for a pink wrap dress and suede boots. Plus I had my nails done last night, and bought some flowers and tidied the flat up a bit.

  Best of all, I rooted through all my old boxes of stuff till I found this gorgeous card I once bought in New York. It has a little crib on it, with tiny presents dotted around—and glittery writing saying: Thanks for Throwing Me a Surprise Baby Shower, Friends! I knew I’d have a need for it one day.

  I also found a somber gray one saying, Sorry to Hear of Your Business Troubles, but I ripped that one up. Stupid card.

  I haven’t heard anything from Dave Sharpness yet. And I haven’t mentioned it to Luke, even though I’m bursting to. I don’t want to raise his hopes until I know I have the evidence.

  Luke’s in the kitchen, drinking a strong black coffee before he leaves for work. I wander in and watch him for a moment. His jawline is tense and he’s stirring sugar into his espresso cup. He does that only when he needs a five-thousand-volt boost of energy.

  He notices me and gestures to the bar seat opposite. I heave myself up and rest my elbows on the granite.

  “Becky…we need to talk.”

  “You’re doing the right thing,” I say at once. “You know you are.”

  Luke nods. “You know, I already feel free. They were oppressing me. They were oppressing the whole company.”

  “Exactly! You don’t need them, Luke! You don’t need to run around after some arrogant, think-they-own-the-world company….”

  Luke lifts a hand. “It’s not as simple as that. There’s something I need to tell you.” He pauses, stirring his coffee round and round, his face intent. “Arcodas haven’t paid us.”

  “What?” I stare at him, uncomprehending. “You mean…at all ?”

  “Once, right at the beginning. But nothing since. They owe us…well, a lot.”

  “But they can’t not pay you! People have to pay their bills! I mean, it’s against the—”

  I break off, reddening. I’ve just remembered a few store card bills stuffed into my dressing table drawer, which I might not totally have paid yet.

  But that’s different. I’m not a huge multinational company, am I?

  “They’re notorious for this. We’ve been chasing them, threatening them….” Luke rubs his brow. “While we were still doing business, we were confident we’d get the money. Now, we may have to sue.”

  “Well then, sue!” I say defiantly. “They won’t get away with it!”

  “But in the meantime…” Luke lifts his cup, then puts it down again. “Becky, to be honest, things aren’t great. We expanded fast. Too fast, in hindsight. I have leases to pay, salaries to pay…we’re hemorrhaging money. Until we manage to get back on our feet again, cash flow is going to be an issue.”

  “Right.” I gulp. Hemorrhaging money. That’s about the worst expression I’ve ever heard. I have a sudden horrible vision of money pouring out of a great hole, day after day.

  “We’ll need to borrow more than I thought to buy the house.” Luke winces and takes a gulp of coffee. “It may delay things by a few weeks. I’ll call the agent today. I should be able to square it with everyone.”

  He drains his cup and I notice a deep stress groove running between his brows which wasn’t there before. Bastards. They gave that to him.

  “You still did the right thing, Luke.” I grab his hand and hold it tight. “And if it means losing a bit of money, well…so what?”

  Just wait. Just you wait, Iain bloody Wheeler.

  On impulse I get down off my stool, go round to Luke’s side of the counter, and put my arms around him as best as I can. The baby’s so huge it doesn’t really have room to jump around anymore, but it’s still squirming every now and then.

  Hey, baby, I telegraph it silently. Don’t come out till I’ve had my baby shower, will you?

  I read the other day that a lot of mothers experience a genuine communication with their unborn babies, so I’m trying to send it the odd little message of encouragement.

  Tomorrow would be fine. Maybe lunchtime?

  If y
ou make it out in less than six hours, I’ll give you a prize!

  “I should have listened to you, Becky.” Luke’s wry voice takes me by surprise. “You were the one protesting against Arcodas in the first place. And you never liked Iain.”

  “Loathed him.” I nod.

  No, I’m not telling you what the prize is. Wait and see.

  There’s a ring at the buzzer and he lifts the receiver. “Hi, bring it up.” To me he says, “It’s a package.”

  I stiffen. “A courier package?”

  “Uh-huh.” He shrugs his coat on. “Are you expecting something?”

  “Kind of.” I swallow. “Luke…you might want to see this package. It could be important.”

  “It’s not more bed linen, is it?” Luke doesn’t look enthusiastic.

  “No! It’s not bed linen! It’s—” I break off as the doorbell rings. “You’ll see.” I hurry into the hall.

  “Package for you. Please sign here,” mumbles the courier as I open the door. I scribble on his electronic pad, grab the Jiffy bag, and turn to see Luke coming into the hall.

  “Luke, I have something pretty major here.” I clear my throat. “Something which could…change things. And you need to be open-minded about where I got it….”

  “Shouldn’t you give that to Jess?” Luke is squinting at the Jiffy bag.

  “Jess?” I follow his gaze and for the first time see Miss Jessica Bertram typed on the label.

  I feel a plunge of disappointment. It isn’t from Dave Sharpness after all, it’s some stupid thing for Jess.

  “How come Jess is getting parcels delivered here?” I say, unable to hide my frustration. “She doesn’t live here!”

  “Who knows?” Luke shrugs. “Sweetheart, I need to get going.” He runs his eyes over my swollen stomach. “But I’ll have my mobile on, and my pager…. If there are any signs at all…”

  “I’ll call.” I nod, turning the Jiffy bag over in my fingers. “So, what am I supposed to do with this?”

  “You can give it to Jess—” Luke stops himself. “Sometime. Whenever you see her next.”

  Hang on a minute. The overcasual way he said that…

  “Luke, you know, don’t you?” I exclaim.

  “Know what?” His mouth twitches suspiciously as he picks up his briefcase.

  “You know! About the…you know!”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Luke looks as though he wants to laugh. “By the way, Becky, on a completely unrelated matter…could you possibly be in at around eleven this morning? We’re expecting the gas man.”

  “No, we’re not!” I point at him, half-accusing, half-giggling. “You’re setting me up!”

  “Have a wonderful time.” Luke kisses me, and then he’s out the door and I’m left alone.

  I linger in the hall for a bit, just looking at the door. I almost wish I’d gone in with Luke today, to show moral support. He looks so stressed. And now he’s got to face all his staff. And his finance people.

  Hemorrhaging money. My stomach gives a nasty flip. No. Stop it. Don’t think about it.

  There’s still two hours to go before eleven, so I put on a Harry Potter DVD to distract myself, and open a box of chocolate snowmen, just because it’s the festive season. It’s got to the bit where Harry sees his dead parents in the mirror, and I’m reaching for a tissue, when I happen to glance out the window—and see Suze. She’s standing in front of our building, in the little car park next to the landscaped garden, and she’s looking straight up at the window.

  Immediately I duck down out of view. I hope she didn’t spot me.

  After a few moments I cautiously raise my head again and she’s still standing there. Only she’s been joined by Jess! In slight excitement I glance at my watch. Ten forty. Not long now!

  The only thing is, they both seem quite perturbed. Suze is gesturing with a frown, and Jess is nodding. They must have a problem. I wonder what it is. And I can’t even help.

  As I’m watching, Suze gets out her phone. She dials, and as the phone in the flat rings, I jump guiltily and move away from the window.

  OK. Act casual. I take a deep breath, then lift the receiver.

  “Oh, hi, Suze!” I say, in my most natural manner. “How are you doing? You’re probably in Hampshire on your horse or somewhere.”

  “How did you know it was me?” says Suze suspiciously.

  Shit.

  “We’ve got…Caller ID,” I fib. “So, how are you?”

  “I’m great!” says Suze, sounding totally stilted. “Actually, Bex, I was just reading this article about pregnant women, and it said you should go for a twenty-minute walk every day for health. So I was thinking maybe you should go on one. Like…now. Just round the block.”

  She wants to get me out of the way! Right. What I’ll do is play along but not make it look too obvious.

  “A twenty-minute walk,” I say in thoughtful tones. “That sounds like a good idea. Maybe I will.”

  “Not any more than twenty minutes,” Suze adds hurriedly. “Just twenty minutes exactly.”

  “OK!” I say. “I’ll go right now.”

  “Cool!” Suze sounds relieved. “Er…see you…sometime!”

  “See you!”

  I hurry to the hall, put on my coat, and head downstairs in the lift. When I step outside, Suze and Jess have disappeared. They must be hiding!

  Trying to look just like any normal pregnant woman having a twenty-minute walk, I head toward the gates, my eyes swiveling from left to right.

  Oh my God, I just saw Suze behind that car! And there’s Jess crouching behind the low wall!

  I can’t let them know I can see them. I can’t giggle. Keeping my composure, I reach the gates—and spot a familiar spring of curly brown hair behind a rhododendron bush.

  No. I don’t believe it. Is that Mum ?

  I get past the gates and burst into laughter, muffling the sound with my hands. I hurry along the pavement, find a bench in the next street, and flick through Heat magazine, which I hid inside my coat so Suze wouldn’t see. Then, on the dot of twenty minutes, I get up and turn my steps back toward home.

  As I walk through the gates again there’s no sign of anyone. I let myself in and take the lift to the top floor, feeling bubbles of anticipation. I head to our apartment, put my key in the lock, and turn.

  “Surprise!” A chorus of voices greets me as I swing the door back wide. And the weird thing is, even though I was expecting it, I feel a genuine shock to see so many friendly faces clustered together. Suze, Jess, Mum, Janice, Danny…and is that Kelly ?

  “Wow!” I drop Heat without even meaning to. “What on earth—”

  “It’s your shower!” Suze is glowing pink with pleasure. “Surprise! We fooled you! Come in, have a glass of Buck’s Fizz….”

  She ushers me into the sitting room, and I can’t believe the transformation. There are pink and blue helium balloons everywhere, and a huge cake sitting on a silver stand, and a pile of presents, and bottles of champagne on ice….

  “This is just…” My voice suddenly wobbles. “It’s just…”

  “Don’t cry, Bex!” says Suze.

  “Have a drink, love!” Mum thrusts a glass into my hand.

  “I knew we shouldn’t surprise her!” Janice looks alarmed. “I said it would be too much of a shock for her system!”

  “Surprised to see me?” Kelly has bounded up to me, her face shining with excitement and Stila shimmer makeup.

  “Kelly!” I fling my drink-free arm around her. I met Kelly in Cumbria, when I was looking for Jess. I was only just pregnant then, and didn’t even know it yet. It seems years ago now.

  “Were you really surprised, Bex?” Suze looks at me, her face full of suppressed glee.

  “Totally!”

  And it’s true. OK, I knew it was happening. But I had no idea anyone would make so much effort! Every time I look around, I notice something else, like the silver “baby” confetti sprinkled over the table, or the little b
ooties hanging from all the pictures….

  “You ain’t seen nothing yet,” says Danny, taking a swig of champagne. “OK, everyone, line up, unbutton your jackets, on the count of three…”

  I watch, bemused, as they scramble into place, like some kind of motley chorus line.

  “One…two…three!”

  Everyone, from Mum to Jess to Kelly, flings open their jackets. And underneath they’re all wearing matching Danny Kovitz T-shirts, just like the one he designed for The Look. Except the picture is of a little doll-like pregnant girl. And underneath is the slogan:

  SHE’S a YuMMY MuMMY and WE LOVE HER

  I can’t speak.

  “She’s overwhelmed!” Mum comes bustling up. “Take a seat, love. Have a snack.” She thrusts a platter of tiny Chinese duck pancakes at me. “Waitrose’s own brand. They’re very good!”

  “Open your presents,” instructs Suze, clapping her hands. “Then we’ve got party games. Hey, everyone sit down, Bex is going to open her presents….” She heaves all the gift-wrapped parcels into a pile in front of me, then tinkles a fork in her glass. “Now, I have a little speech to make about the presents. Attention!”

  Everyone turns expectantly toward Suze and she makes a little bow.

  “Thank you! Now, when I was planning this baby shower, I asked Jess what she thought we should buy Becky. And Jess said, ‘There’s nothing left, she’s bought all of London already.’”

  There’s the hugest roar of laughter around the room, and I feel my cheeks turn beet-red. OK, maybe I did go a tad overboard. But the point is I had to. I mean, I’ll be far too busy to go shopping after the baby’s born. I probably won’t go near a shop for a year.

  “So!” resumes Suze, her eyes sparkling. “Jess suggested we should make things. And that’s what we’ve done.”

  They’ve made things?

  Oh God, they haven’t all made baby wipes, have they?

  “We’ll start with mine.” Suze hands me a rectangular package and I start ripping off the silver paper in slight apprehension.