Wolfsong

by TJ Klune

  GORDO WAS at the shop. The moment I walked through the door, he was in front of me.

  There were bags under his eyes, and he looked pale. Even the tattoos on his arms looked faded.

  “You okay?” I asked him.

  He nodded. “Yeah. You?” He sounded pained.

  “You weren’t here yesterday.”

  “I know.”

  “Maybe you should go home, man. You don’t look well.”

  “I’m feeling better now,” he said and then he hugged me.

  We didn’t do this often, so I was surprised. But I hugged him back anyway because he was Gordo. I put everything I could into it because I needed to.

  “I’m getting you a phone,” he muttered. “Cell phone. I’m pissed off that you don’t have one. Couldn’t even call you.”

  “Hey, no. You don’t need to—”

  “Shut up, Ox.”

  And so I did.

  JOE WASN’T waiting for me on the dirt road. The lights were on in the house at the end of the lane. I was pack now, but I went home instead.

  I SLEPT with the stone wolf in my hand.

  CARTER AND Kelly smiled at me when I got into the car the next morning. I wanted to ask them about the eight weeks Joe was missing, but the words stuck in my throat. Both of them found some way to touch me. A clap on the back. A pat against my chest.

  It should have been obvious. It should have been obvious what they were, but then I wasn’t looking for the incredible buried in the ordinary.

  “HOW’S JOE?” Jessie asked at lunch, and Carter and Kelly froze.

  “Haven’t seen him,” I muttered.

  She looked confused. “Why not?”

  “He’s been sick,” Carter said before I could speak, and Kelly squeezed my leg underneath the table. They still crowded on either side of me while we ate.

  “Oh,” she said. “I’m sorry to hear that. I hope he gets better.”

  “He will,” I said. I must have put too much emphasis on the words because she looked at me funny.

  Carter and Kelly pushed against me and I knew what they were trying to say.

  GORDO HANDED me a cell phone. It wasn’t fancy. It was functional. It was awesome. He had programmed his number, the shop’s, the diner’s, and the rest of guys’ into it.

  “You keep this with you, okay? But don’t you dare use it in class unless it’s an emergency.”

  I nodded, touching the screen lightly. “I have my own phone number?” I asked in awe.

  And he smiled at me. That little smile I knew was for me alone. “Yeah, man. You got your own number.”

  I said, “Thanks, Gordo,” and I hugged him again.

  He laughed in my ear and I forgot that I had hated him for a little while.

  IT WAS Wednesday and Joe wasn’t there.

  CARTER AND Kelly made me put their numbers in my new phone. They gave me their parents’. And Joe’s, because apparently he had one too, even though he was only eleven. I didn’t know why little kids needed phones, but as soon as I had his number, I stared at it. I couldn’t figure out how to do a text message, so I didn’t do anything at all.

  CHRIS TOLD me that Jessie was hinting at him that I should ask her out again. I rolled my eyes when they laughed and whistled.

  I WALKED down the road to the house. Dirt bloomed up in little clouds as I dragged my feet. The sky was gray and the clouds were threatening rain.

  And there he was. Standing there. Wide, bright eyes.

  I’d known him for almost a year. He’d grown during that time. His brothers still called him a runt, but I didn’t think it’d be true that much longer. He’d be big like the rest of them. He was a Bennett, after all.

  His eyes never left me as I walked forward slowly, unsure of my place. He didn’t reach out for my hand when I got close. Part of me wanted to be angry, to say, It was just one fucking dinner, it was just one day that I missed, it’s not fair, it’s not fair, you can’t be like this. It was a small part, but it was there and I hated myself for it.

  And then he said, “Hey, Ox,” in a small voice so unlike him that it all just went away.

  So I said, “Hi, Joe,” and I sounded kind of rough.

  He looked like he wanted to reach out and touch my hand but stopped himself. I waited, not wanting to push.

  He said, “I wanted to see you.” He looked down at his feet and kicked a dried-out leaf. Somewhere, a bird sang a song that ached.

  I said the only thing that came to mind. “I got a cell phone. I have your number. I don’t know how to text. Can you teach me? Because I want to text you things and I don’t know how.”

  He looked up at me with those big eyes and his bottom lip was trembling. “Yeah. Yeah. I can teach you. It’s not hard. Do you love her?”

  I said, “No. I don’t know her like that.”

  And he jumped into my arms then, wrapping himself around me and crying into my neck. I held him tightly and I guess I wasn’t a man yet because my eyes leaked too. I told him I was so sorry I hadn’t been there for Sunday dinner and that it would never happen again because he was Joe and I was Ox and that was how things went.

  He shook and sobbed and my neck felt sticky but eventually, he calmed and curled up against my chest. Once settled, he took a deep breath, like he was inhaling every part of me. I carried him home.

  THEY WERE all waiting for us when we got to the house at the end of the lane. Joe was asleep, his face in the crook of my neck, his arms dangling at his sides.

  “He was tired,” I said by way of explanation and I thought pack.

  “He missed you,” Elizabeth said, her voice warm. “We did too.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for,” Mark said.

  I frowned. “That’s not true. I—”

  “Ox?”

  I looked back at Elizabeth. “You’re sixteen,” she said. “You’re allowed to go on dates. Just maybe give Joe a heads-up?”

  I nodded.

  “You hungry?” she asked.

  I nodded again, even though I really wasn’t. I just wanted to go inside with all of them.

  “Why don’t you take him upstairs and I’ll heat up some leftovers. Then you can tell us about this pretty girl of yours.”

  I followed them inside.

  I STAYED with Joe. For a little bit. Just to make sure he didn’t have bad dreams.

  THE NEXT day, he taught me how to text. He was my first.

  hi joe its ox texting you thank you for helping me

  It took me five minutes to type because my fingers were too big. I wouldn’t let him read it while I fat-fingered it out.

  When I finished, his phone pinged almost immediately and I marveled just how quickly words could be sent. It was a scary thought.

  He read the message and laughed so hard he fell down, tears in his eyes.

  LATER THAT night, I got my first text:

  You help me too

  claws and teeth/laugh out loud

  I TURNED seventeen and said good-bye to my junior year. Three solid months of work and pack and Jessie stretched out before me. I didn’t quite believe things were happening the way they were. It seemed too good. Too much like a dream.

  Things were normal for a while.

  Gordo said, “It’ll be good to have you back here all day again.”

  Mom said, “Think we should talk about getting you some wheels? I’m sure Gordo could help us out.”

  “Happy birthday!” they all said.

  Carter said, “I really need to get laid.”

  Kelly said, “That’s something I never wanted to hear.”

  Tanner said, “Can you call Mrs. Epstein and let her know the Jeep’s finished? I fucking busted my knuckle and it’s bleeding all over.”

  Elizabeth said, “I’ve moved on from my green phase. It’s time. I’m thinking Picasso and blue. What do you think, Ox?”

  Rico said, “I’m glad you’re back full-time, papi. Gordo is much nicer when you’re her
e.”

  Thomas said, “Do you know about Plato and the allegory of the cave? No? That’s okay. Just don’t believe the shadows are all that’s real.”

  Chris said, “She likes you, Ox. She likes you a lot. Don’t break her or I’ll have to break you. Or if she breaks you, tell me and I’ll kick her ass. You don’t fuck with family.”

  Mark said, “Every day, you’re making him just a little bit better. Ox, I am so glad we found you.”

  Joe said, “Ox! Hey! You have to come with me right this second. I found these… like… these trees and they’re crazy and I think they could be a fort or something. I don’t even know! You just have to come see them.”

  Jessie said, “I think we should have sex.”

  I STARED at her. “What?”

  “We should have sex.”

  I said the first thing that came to mind. “Your brother will murder me.”

  She rolled her eyes and brought her feet up onto my bed. She had slender toes. I don’t know why they fascinated me. There were painted red. Some shade of red that I thought was sexy.

  “We’re old enough to make our own mistakes,” she said.

  “Uh. We’re seventeen. And I don’t know if the best way to seduce me is to call it a mistake.”

  She laughed and punched my arm. “Seduce. Oh Jesus.”

  “So,” I said.

  She arched an eyebrow.

  “Maybe?” My palms were sweaty and my throat was dry. “But maybe not.”

  “That’s… clear. As always.”

  “I’m not… good. At things.”

  She said, “That’s not true at all.”

  And I was seduced.

  AFTER, WE lay in my bed, sweaty and sated. My mouth had done things to her and her mouth had done things to me, but we didn’t have condoms so not much else was done. It didn’t matter because my mind was blissed out and blank. It reminded me of the old TV my dad had kept in the garage. It only showed static. White noise. I was a forgotten, broken television buried under years of memories. I laughed at this, and when she asked me what was so funny, I just said, “Nothing.”

  “What’s that?” she asked.

  I couldn’t see where she was pointing. “What?”

  “That dog thing.” She pushed herself off me.

  “Hmm?” I said, channels still trying to come in clear. I needed to wrap tinfoil around my rabbit ears.

  “It’s heavy,” she said quietly.

  And everything was razor sharp. I sat up quickly and snatched it from her hands.

  “Ox,” she said. She sounded confused.

  “It’s… I don’t….” I didn’t want her to touch it. I never wanted anyone else to touch it. I just couldn’t find the words (reasons) to say that.

  “It looks old,” she said finally.

  “Joe gave it to me. For my birthday.”

  “Joe,” she sighed. “Am I ever going to meet him?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Maybe? He’s your best friend, Ox. I’m your girlfriend. I introduced you to my friends.” And she had. Some girls at our school she’d met in class. Cassie and Felicia and something something something. I didn’t do well with new people. They seemed nice, but I could see their eyes flitting back and forth between Jessie and me and thinking really?

  “You know Carter and Kelly.”

  “Ox.”

  “He’s… Joe.”

  “I know.”

  “He’s not in a good place all the time.”

  “I know that too. That thing that no one will tell me about.”

  I swallowed to keep my anger in check. At her. “You don’t need to know.”

  She winced. “I’ll pretend you didn’t sound like an asshole right then. Why doesn’t he ever come over here? Why don’t any of them come to your house?”

  “It’s easier to go over there.”

  “That’s weird, Ox.”

  I put down the stone wolf and sighed.

  “SHE WANTS to meet you.”

  Joe said, “Oh.”

  “She knows how much you mean to me.”

  Joe said, “Really?”

  “I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

  Joe said, “I know.”

  “You can say no.”

  He looked up at me. The sunlight hit his face through the trees as we walked down the dirt road. His hand was warm in mine. “Do you care about her?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you care about me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay,” he said.

  “Okay?”

  He shrugged. “Okay.”

  SHE CAME to Sunday dinner at the beginning of July. She was nervous. I told her she didn’t need to be. She looked pretty in her summer dress. It was yellow and she was golden. I touched her hair. She looked so small next to my hand.

  “But they’re your family,” she said as we walked toward the house at the end of the lane, and that filled me with so much warmth that I could hardly breathe.

  “You met my mom,” I managed to say.

  “That’s different and you know it.”

  The front door to the Bennett house opened even before we reached the porch, like it always did, like they always knew I was coming.

  Joe ran out the door. His smile was bright when he saw me. He glanced over at Jessie and something much more complex stuttered across his face that I couldn’t even begin to understand. His left hand curled into a fist and then it relaxed.

  “Hey, Ox,” he said.

  “Hi, Joe.”

  He didn’t hug me like he normally did. He stayed on the porch. He looked unsure.

  I dropped Jessie’s hand and took a step forward.

  He jumped off the steps and crashed into me, his nose in my neck.

  I laughed and held on tight. “Okay?” I whispered.

  He shrugged. Then nodded. Rubbed his forehead on my shoulder.

  Jessie started to take a step forward but I shook my head and she stopped.

  Eventually, Joe slid down. He gripped my hand and stood rigidly at my side.

  “Hi,” he muttered at Jessie. He glanced up at her face, then away. Then down.

  “Hi, Joe,” Jessie said. “I’ve heard so much about you. I’m glad to finally meet you.”

  “Me too,” he said and then he grimaced because he didn’t sound like he meant that at all. “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay,” she said. “Nothing to be sorry for.”

  He pulled me into the house, and Jessie followed behind.

  I COULD see Jessie didn’t understand the Bennetts. Not like I did. They touched me. All of them. Hugs and hands on my neck and hair and arms and back. I was used to it. She was not.

  Thomas and Elizabeth smiled warmly at her but did not touch her. No hands were offered. No kiss to the cheek.

  It wasn’t rude. Or reserved. They laughed with her during dinner. Encouraged her to tell stories. Brought her in on the conversation. Made sure no inside family (pack) jokes went too far so she wouldn’t get lost.

  But they did not touch her.

  I took my usual place next to Joe. Jessie sat on my other side, the place normally reserved for my mother.

  Sometimes Joe spoke. Sometimes he looked distant. I thought I heard him growl once, but he looked away. His hands were fists at his sides. Then they relaxed. His shoulders were hunched and he grimaced like he was in pain.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked with a frown.

  “Just stiff,” he muttered. His voice sounded low and scratchy.

  “You sick?”

  He shook his head.

  Mark, Elizabeth, and Thomas were watching us when I looked up. Carter and Kelly were talking to Jessie. The three adults gave me answers with their vibrant eyes that I didn’t understand.

  Joe took a breath and let it out slowly.

  And then he smiled. He had many teeth.

  “THEY’RE… STRANGE,” Jessie said before she got into her car.

  I scowled. “No, they’re not.”

  “
Ox, they kind of are.”

  “Be nice.”

  “I’m not being mean. I know you’re protective of them, but they give off this… vibe. I don’t know how else to explain it.”

  “They’re my pack.”

  Her brow furrowed. “Pack?”

  “I meant family.”

  She kissed me on the lips. “Joe is pretty great,” she said quietly.

  “I know.”

  “He doesn’t like me very much, though.”

  I frowned. “He liked you fine. He’s just been through a lot.”

  “You can’t see it, can you?” She sounded amused.

  “See what?”

  “He’s very protective of you.”

  “He’s my friend.”

  “Ah,” she said. She smiled softly. And then she left.

  I KNEW how to text now.

  Wednesday:

  hi i am at work

  Hi, Ox! How long did it take you to type that lol

  whats lol

  Laugh Out Loud

  oh i am not good at this lol

  You’re doing good. I promise

  Friday:

  Want to watch a movie tonight with us?

  can’t jessie wants to go out

  Oh. Okay!

  you come too

  You want me to go with you?

  yes

  I’ll ask mom!! =D

  whats that

  Smiley Face

  lol

  Thursday:

  Mom wanted me to remind you its family time. Won’t be around for a few days

  ok

  I wish you could come with us

  me too

  One day. I promise <3

  whats that

  Never mind. I’ll talk to you later.

  Sunday:

  We’re back!