Wolfsong

by TJ Klune

  “Or to find the one that caused it in the first place,” I said.

  He smiled quietly. “I told him not to, you know. Joe. I told him he was making a mistake.”

  “Did he listen?”

  “I’d like to think he did.”

  “Not well enough.”

  “It can be hard to hear what you don’t want to when you’re desperate and all you know is anger.”

  “But it’s easier when we’re with each other. That’s what pack is supposed to be.”

  Mark nodded. “Which is why we’ll both need you. And I hope you’ll need us. Because we’re here too, Ox. I promise you. We won’t leave you behind.”

  I wanted to believe him.

  I LEFT them in the woods.

  Mark shifted and curled around Elizabeth. Carter and Kelly whimpered as I moved, but found solace with the rest of their pack. They knew where I was going. They thought they were going to give us the privacy we needed.

  But they didn’t know what I was going to ask for.

  Because I’d made up my mind.

  My mother whispered, I’ll do right by you.

  Thomas whispered, You protected your own. I am so very proud of you.

  I thought maybe they walked with me through the forest, but I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know if I could tell the difference between memories and ghosts.

  The threads between us were gone.

  But my mother’s hand brushed against my ear, and I felt Thomas squeeze my shoulder.

  I wasn’t dreaming because I hurt.

  Joe was still in the office, sitting in his father’s chair, a faraway look in his eyes as he stared off into nothing. It was hard to believe that only a week had gone by since we went on our first date, that flare of bright and awkward hope that had been bursting in my stomach. It was hard to think about how he’d sat at our kitchen table, wearing his bow tie, talking to my mother like he could believe nothing else in the world but what he was asking for. Like I was something he could be proud of.

  He didn’t look at me. But he knew I was there.

  I tried to find the right words to say what it was I felt.

  I said, “I want you to give me the bite.”

  And Joe said, “No.”

  The room was quiet after that for a long time.

  Finally, I said, “It’s my choice, Joe.”

  “I know,” he said, looking at me, eyes clearing even as I watched.

  “And I’m the one making this choice.”

  “I know.”

  “I want this.”

  “Do you?”

  “Yes.”

  “You didn’t before. Yesterday. Last week.”

  “Things were different. Yesterday. And last week. And all those years ago when Thomas offered it to me to begin with.”

  “When?”

  I blinked. “When what.”

  He looked tired. “When did my dad offer you the bite?”

  “He told me I could take it when I turned eighteen.”

  “He did?”

  “You sound surprised.”

  Joe rubbed a hand over his face. “I am. I mean—I knew he must have done it. At some point. I just didn’t know when.”

  “He didn’t tell you?”

  “Why would he have? It wasn’t about me.”

  “Wasn’t it, though?”

  “I don’t see how—”

  “It was. Joe, all of this is about you. That’s what I am. That’s all I am now.” Because I didn’t think I was anyone’s son anymore. I didn’t know if someone could be considered an orphan at the age of twenty-three. If they could, then that’s what I was.

  “But you didn’t.”

  “No.”

  “Why?”

  For a moment, I didn’t know how to answer. But then I remembered something Thomas had told me once. “I didn’t have to be something different to be in your pack. To belong with all of you. Thomas said I was good enough just as I was. And I think I needed to see that before I became something different.”

  “And have you?” he asked.

  I scowled at him. “That’s not the point.”

  “I’m not going to bite you, Ox.”

  “That’s it, then? Because you said so, that’s the way it’s going to be.”

  “I am the Al—”

  “That doesn’t work with me,” I retorted. “You should know that better than anyone. I don’t give a damn what color your eyes are. You’re Joe, okay? So don’t you dare try to pull that bullshit on me.”

  “I’m leaving.”

  Now I was just getting pissed off. “Even more reason for me to take the bite. So I can do what I can while you’re off doing whatever the fuck you’re going to be doing.”

  “Ox. We’re leaving tomorrow.”

  Was he trying to hurt me more? “I know.”

  He shook his head. “I can’t leave a newly bitten wolf, especially one of my own. If you ever take the bite, you’ll need your Alpha near to help you through your first full moon. I can’t do that for you if I’ll be gone. You saw how bad it was for me when I first changed. And my father was already there.”

  “All the more reason to take me with you.”

  His nostrils flared, and I swore for a moment that I saw his lip tremble. “You know I can’t.”

  “Fuck your can’t,” I growled at him. “You’re doing everything possible to make sure this goes exactly the way you want it to. And since when do we keep secrets from each other? Anything else you aren’t telling me? Anything else you all decided on for me? Please, Joe. Tell me. Tell me how things should be for me from now on. Tell me what to do.”

  “I don’t expect you to understand—”

  “Because I don’t. It sucks, Joe. It fucking sucks. My mom is gone. Your dad is gone. And now you’re trying to take away yourself too? What the fuck do you think you’re doing to me?”

  His eyes were wet, cheeks flushed. “It’s not all about you—”

  “He killed my mother!” I bellowed at him. “That fucking makes it about me!”

  He was crying now. Joe was crying and I hated it. Oh god, how I loathed it. To see him with tears on his face, to see him be the seventeen-year-old kid I knew he was, the kid who was supposed to be happy and going on dates. The kid who deserved everything good after the hell he’d gone through at the hands of a monster. The kid who shouldn’t have had to worry about being the Alpha yet, or carrying the weight of a pack on his shoulders. He was just a kid, for Christ’s sake.

  And I wasn’t helping. I was hurting him because I hurt. Because I was a little bit dead inside.

  “You can’t leave,” I said, voice broken. “You can’t leave me, Joe.”

  “You think I want to?” he cried. “You think I want this? Ox, I never want to be away from you. I never want to be apart from you. I never want to be anywhere that you aren’t. You are everything to me. When I saw you, when y-you were with my d-d-dad and that man, I was never so scared in my life. Okay? Do you get that? He took me. He hurt me. For weeks. But the worst moment of my life was when I thought he was going to hurt you. So you will fucking stay here! You’ll fucking d-do what I say, because I can’t lose you. Ox, I can’t. Not you. Not you too.”

  He was sobbing by the time he’d finished. Joe, the Alpha werewolf, was weeping at the thought of something happening to me.

  I could take many things.

  I wasn’t weak.

  I was strong, most of the time.

  The pack had made me that way.

  But the sight of Joe like this… I just.

  I just couldn’t anymore.

  I was on the other side of the desk even before I thought about it.

  I gathered him up as best I could, and he fit against me so right, it was like he was a little tornado again, and I was just some big dumb Ox who didn’t know what it meant to belong to someone.

  I felt the power in him, yes.

  I felt the pull of him, oh yes.

  But he was just Joe.

  An
d I was just Ox.

  And maybe my father was wrong when he said that men didn’t cry. Sure, people gave me shit just like he said, but I knew I was a man. And I cried right along with Joe. Because everything was falling apart and I didn’t know how to stop it.

  WE LAY in his bed on our sides toward each other, knees knocking together, faces inches apart. The room was dark. His eyes were bright and his breath on my face was warm. I didn’t know what time it was, but knew it had to be late. And I also knew that if I fell asleep, Joe would be gone by the time I woke.

  I had to fight it.

  For as long as I could.

  Because I couldn’t bear the thought of waking alone.

  He watched me, and I felt the pulse of something between us, whatever fledgling bond that was there. Not the bond of an Alpha to his pack. But the bond between mates. I wanted to hold on to that thread as long as I possibly could, because the thought of it being gone when I woke terrified me.

  He reached up and traced his fingers over my eyebrows. My cheeks. My nose. My lips. I pressed a gentle kiss against his fingertips. He sighed and his eyes fluttered shut.

  “This sucks.”

  “Yeah,” I said. Because it did.

  He opened his eyes. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way.”

  “I know.”

  “You have to help her, Ox.”

  I knew who he meant. “I will.”

  His breath hitched in his chest. “You have to. She’s my mom.”

  “I know.”

  He gripped my hand and held it between us. There were hints of red in his eyes, notes that had never been there before.

  He said, “I meant it. What I said.”

  “When?” I asked, trying to take him all in, trying to catalog every single detail of him that I could. For those moments I knew would come. When I couldn’t sleep because he was gone.

  “When I said I loved you.”

  My traitorous heart stumbled in my chest. “Yeah. I know, Joe.”

  “Because I do.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I just… needed you to know that. Before.”

  “Okay, Joe. Hey, I love you too. You know I do. I have for a long time.”

  “Yeah, Ox. I know.” He let out a shaky breath. “This isn’t fair. We should have had more time.”

  I said, “It’s okay,” even though it wasn’t. Part of me wanted to point out that this was his choice. His doing. But I didn’t have the strength to fight with him anymore. Not now. Not like this. “We’re here now.”

  “You can’t forget me,” he said fiercely, squeezing my hand until my bones ached. “No matter what happens. You can’t ever forget me.”

  “Yeah, Joe. I know. I couldn’t even if I tried. I don’t want to try. You’ll see. You do what you have to do, then you’ll come back and everything will be right as rain. It’ll be over before you know it. Weeks, even. Days. I promise. Okay?”

  “And then we’ll be mates, right?”

  “Sure, Joe.”

  “Forever.”

  “Yeah.” But even that didn’t sound long enough.

  “Ox?”

  “Yeah?”

  His eyes searched mine. Then, “Can I kiss you?”

  It was said so shyly, so hesitantly, that I ached with it. “You want to?” I asked quietly.

  He nodded once, a little jerk of his head.

  “I guess that’s all right,” I said.

  “I’m not your first.”

  “No.”

  “And you’re not mine.”

  “No,” I said, jaw tense.

  “But you’re the only one that matters. So, it’s like it’s the first. For the both of us.”

  I kissed him then. I couldn’t not after that.

  He gave a grunt of surprise when our lips touched, a little exhalation of air that was almost like a sigh. It was chaste, barely there. His lips were slightly parted and his eyes were open and on me, and I thought maybe they were endless. He brushed his nose against mine and tightened his fingers around my own. I reached up and cupped his cheek, fingers over his ear and holding him in place.

  He flared within me, bursting and warm.

  It was bittersweet, strong and heady.

  I pulled away first.

  He shuddered and pressed his forehead to mine.

  He said, “I will come back for you.”

  I believed he would try.

  I FOUGHT it. For as long as I could.

  But everything caught up to me. Thomas. My mother. Joe becoming the Alpha. The funerals. The fire. Joe’s decision.

  Everything.

  I tried to stay awake.

  I screamed at myself that he’d be gone the moment my eyes closed.

  He whispered, “Sleep, Ox.”

  I whispered back, “But you’ll be gone.”

  The smile he gave me curved sadly. “The sooner I leave, the sooner I can come home.”

  My eyes drooped. I forced them open again.

  “I’ll miss you,” I said. “Every day.”

  He looked away, but not before I saw the shine in his eyes.

  I fought it. With everything I had.

  But my body fought back.

  Eventually, my eyes closed and I couldn’t open them again.

  I felt his hands in my hair.

  I felt his lips on my forehead.

  And as I fell into the dark, I heard him say one last thing.

  He said, “I will come back to you.”

  And then I was gone.

  WHEN I dreamed, I dreamed of him.

  We walked through the forest, the moon full overhead.

  He held my hand, and his eyes were red.

  In the shadows beyond the trees came the sound of great paws upon the earth.

  The wolves circled around us, but we weren’t afraid.

  Because they were ours.

  Joe said, “It’ll be okay.”

  And I smiled.

  I WOKE slowly.

  I didn’t know where I was.

  It that moment before I came fully awake, nothing hurt because nothing was wrong.

  My mother was still alive.

  Thomas was still alive.

  There was a weight against me, like I was surrounded.

  In my muddled mind, I thought I’d fallen asleep at the Bennett house, surrounded by pack. I remembered a fatly shining moon and thought we’d spent the night running in the woods.

  I’d have to call Gordo, I knew. He always worried after full moons. He didn’t like waiting until I walked into the shop later in the day. He needed to know.

  I couldn’t remember if my mom had come out the night before. So I’d have to call her too.

  Joe and I would have breakfast. Maybe our feet would tangle together under the table. And maybe I’d work up the courage to hold his hand. Carter and Kelly would probably make fun of us for it after hearing the way our heartbeats went out of control, but that was okay. Elizabeth would scold them and Mark would smile his secret smile and Thomas would just look content as he watched us from his place at the head of the table. And when I caught his eye, he’d flash his red, red eyes at me and wink, and I would know what it meant to have a father again, I would know—

  The fog started to clear.

  The pain started.

  It was a sliver at first. An irritant, just underneath my skin. I picked at it. I worried at it.

  It only made things worse.

  I took in a great, gasping breath.

  I was awake.

  They were gone.

  Mom. Thomas.

  Carter and Kelly.

  Gordo.

  And Joe.

  I opened my eyes.

  Two wolves lay curled up against me.

  Elizabeth and Mark.

  They breathed deeply, lost in sleep.

  I envied them.

  Because the pain came rolling over me, glassy and sharp.

  I pushed outward, trying to find the others. Trying to feel them. The bonds. The threads
between us.

  But there was nothing.

  I pushed again.

  Nothing. It was like we were cut off.

  The loss was so great that, for a moment, I couldn’t breathe. I tried to fist my hands at my sides, but my left hand wouldn’t close around the object it held.

  I looked down.

  In my hand was a wolf statue. Made of stone.

  I watched it for a long time.

  I knew what it meant. Who’d placed it there.

  Eventually I nodded.

  I said, “Okay, Joe. Okay.”

  And began to wait.

  the first year/pinpricks of light

  THE FIRST year was the hardest.

  Because we didn’t know there was going to be a first year.

  “YOU TEXT me,” I’d told him as we’d lain in the bed. I could still taste him on my lips and I wanted nothing more than to kiss him again. “Every couple of days. So I know.”

  “I won’t tell you where we are,” he said. “Because I know what you would do.”

  I scowled at him. “Fine. But you text me. You understand?”

  He did.

  I MISS you, the first text said, three days after they’d gone.

  I stared at it for hours.

  “SHE LEFT everything to you,” the attorney said as I sat across from him in his office. Elizabeth and Mark were close by, hiding in the woods. “The house. The accounts. And eventually, there will be a life insurance payout, but those things take time. It should be enough to pay off the mortgage and then some when it comes, though. She wanted to make sure you were taken care of should something have happened to her. You’re set, Ox. For now. I’ll get everything ready for you to sign to make it as easy as possible. You just focus on healing. Lord knows you’ve earned it.”

  I nodded and looked out the window, thinking about soap bubbles on my ear.

  CARTER AND Kelly are fighting, a text said. I told them to stop. They didn’t. So I went Alpha on them. They aren’t fighting anymore.

  “WHAT THE fuck is this supposed to mean?” Chris said, glaring down at a letter Gordo had left for them at the shop. “‘I have to be gone for a while. Tanner, you’re in charge of the shop. Make sure you send the earnings to the accountant. He’ll handle the taxes. Ox has access to all the bank stuff, personal and shop-related. Anything you need, you go through him. If you need to hire someone to pick up the slack, do it, but don’t hire some fuckup. We’ve worked too hard to get where we are. Chris and Rico, handle the day-to-day ops. I don’t know how long this is going to take, but just in case, you need to watch each other’s back. Ox is going to need you.’”