Austin and Emily

by Frank Turner Hollon

  Austin rolled his eyes and shook his head. Ulysses crawled up into the seat with Emily, and Glenn found a spot in the hollow beneath Kenneth’s flat belly.

  They rode in silence for miles. Emily thought about lots of things, but finally her mind came to rest on one subject.

  She asked Austin, “Have you ever been to a bachelor party before?”

  “Once,” he said. “My cousin Peter got married. There was a bachelor party, but I don’t think my evening with batman will be much like Peter’s bachelor party.”

  Emily hesitated and then said, “It’s O.K. if you go see girls dance, because I know that don’t mean nothin’. But I don’t think you should touch one, being so close to our wedding night and everything.”

  “I have no intention of touching anyone,” he replied.

  Emily smiled. “Can you promise me?” she asked.

  Austin was still amazed at the young woman’s degree of commitment. At times he almost believed it was a big trick and at the end he’d find himself standing alone at the altar in front of a room full of laughing strangers, the star of a new practical joke television show.

  “I promise,” he mumbled.

  “On a stack of Bibles?” she asked.

  “On a stack of Bibles,” he repeated.

  They drove slowly down the Las Vegas strip. None of the three had ever been to such a place. It was impressive, almost a manmade Grand Canyon, a testament to what the human mind can conceive and create in the middle of a desert. There was a suggestion of decadence. More than a suggestion. A shout. Like the hand of the devil swinging open the doors to every temptation.

  Kenneth said, “All the hotels are inexpensive. They expect you to go downstairs and drop a bundle in the casino.”

  With Kenneth’s guidance they selected a place to stay. The tall building was made of mirrors, solid, like one of those full-length dressing mirrors in the changing room at the mall, except forty stories in the sky. The bottom floor was a huge casino with slot machines, blackjack tables, and roulette wheels. It was just like on television.

  Emily paid for the room, and they went upstairs to inspect it. The bed covers were maroon. Austin pulled the blinds to reveal a view down the strip. It seemed worlds away from the Grand Canyon the day before, but in America it was only three hundred miles. Three hundred miles from one extreme to another, like a crazy man.

  Austin excused himself to the bathroom after Emily finished her tour.

  “O.K., Emily, here’s the plan. I’ll take the groom for a few cocktails, maybe a big T-bone steak, check out a few casinos. We’ll come back to the room around ten. You stay gone for two hours. We’ll do guy stuff in the room, maybe a wholesome little show, and then I’m sure the old boy will be ready to hit the hay. So you can come back around midnight, and then I’ll go hang around the car.”

  Emily pointed her finger up at Kenneth. “No touching. That’s the rule.”

  Kenneth raised his hands in surrender. “That’s the rule. Cross my heart. Now I need a few dollars to make Austin’s last night of freedom truly memorable.”

  Emily had already pre-counted one thousand dollars. It was mostly five and twenty dollar bills so the wad was fat and bound in a rubber band. Kenneth put the money in his small bag and put the bag in the bottom drawer of the nightstand.

  Austin exited the bathroom, still in the process of arranging his pants.

  “All right, get ready to go, big boy. You’re mine from now to midnight. At midnight, you turn into a pumpkin and your future wife can have you back. Until then, buckle up Austin McAdoo.”

  Austin felt a healthy amount of anxiety. Las Vegas, Kenneth Mint, the potential for disaster was unlimited. However, on the other side of the coin, he felt the gentle touch of the devil’s hand upon his shoulder. What could be the harm? It’s tradition.

  Emily put her clothes in all the drawers while Austin got dressed. She turned up the air-conditioning as high as it would go and turned down the sheets. Kenneth got his bag and headed for the door. Emily was quick to reach for Austin’s hand.

  “You have a good time,” she whispered, “and I’ll see you at midnight.”

  She pulled the tall man down and kissed him gently on the cheek.

  Austin’s anxiety level increased.

  “Maybe this isn’t such a good idea,” he said to Kenneth, who was already half out the door.

  “Don’t be stupid. You’ve got the rest of your life to feel guilty, and believe me, you will. How does a steak sound, a big T-bone? Red meat.”

  Austin looked back at Emily, wishing for approval. She granted his wish. “Go,” she said, but it wasn’t until he saw her smile that Austin felt released.

  When the door closed, Emily stripped naked where she stood and crawled between the icy cool sheets.

  Kenneth and Austin sat at the casino bar. “I’ll have Jack Daniel’s on the rocks. What do you want, Austin?” Kenneth said in front of the bartender.

  “I’ll have a milk punch.”

  “A what?” Kenneth demanded.

  “A milk punch. They’re very refreshing.”

  “This ain’t the beach. Refreshing? This is a bachelor night. Bring him a whiskey like mine, except put a little Coke in it on the first few rounds to ease the burn. Start a tab.”

  “Where did you get money?” Austin asked.

  “I put away a few dollars for a rainy day. Don’t worry about it.”

  Austin said, “I’m sure you’re quite aware I don’t believe you’ve put away anything for a rainy day, particularly money. If you’ve stolen the money from Emily, I’ll call the police, and you can sit in jail with your hair coat.”

  “I didn’t steal anything. Emily wanted you to have a good time. She gave me the money.”

  Austin almost regretted his accusation. “How much?”

  “Two hundred dollars. Enough to get drunk and have a dirty conversation with a ten-dollar hooker.”

  The bartender put drinks in front of the men. And then a few minutes later he put more drinks in front of the men. And then more. Austin forgot he was hungry.

  Kenneth said, “We’re both pariahs, outcasts. You know that, don’t you? You’re a smart guy. Of course, it’s for different reasons. You, for physical reasons, and me for mental. Both of us pushed aside by society. Told to stand on the other side of the barricade while the stream of American society runs past like a river.

  “You see, you don’t look like those people in the magazines. And I don’t think like ‘em.”

  Austin puffed up. “I’m offended by that.”

  Kenneth replied, “Good. That’s good. Being offended is human. Not being offended is the problem. Everybody walks around pretending to be offended, but they really aren’t.”

  Austin said, “By the way, I’ve never seen anyone in a magazine who looks remotely similar to you. My proportions may be large, but you resemble a rodent.”

  “A rodent?” Kenneth asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Bartender,” Kenneth called, “bring us two refreshing milk punches. One for my disproportionate friend, and one for the rodent.”

  The bartender paid no attention to the comment and set off to make two milk punches.

  “You don’t really have a butt whistle, do you?”

  “Do you want to see it?”

  “I absolutely do not want to see it.”

  “Why not?”

  “Obvious reasons.”

  Kenneth laughed. “A rodent? I like that.” He laughed again.

  The casino was bustling. Fat women and flashing lights were everywhere. Austin was at the happy point of intoxication where his mind believed the joy could last indefinitely if he would only keep drinking. The milk punch seemed like candy after the third whiskey.

  Austin rose from the barstool to go to the bathroom. For a moment he was unsteady on his flat feet and a bit dizzy. The dizziness passed.

  When Austin was gone, Kenneth asked the bartender, “Let’s say a guy was looking for a cheap hooker, maybe
a little overweight, or maybe a little over the hill, to do a dance, maybe rub up against my big friend. Where would a guy go?”

  The bartender didn’t smile. He just pulled a pen from his pocket and wrote a name and phone number on the back of a napkin.

  Kenneth picked it up and read, “Tina.”

  Austin returned.

  Kenneth commented, “You still smell like cat piss.”

  “And you, Mr. Mint, have insects that live on you full-time.”

  “That reminds me,” Kenneth said. He then took a small pretzel from the bowl on the bar, held the pretzel above his head, and snapped it in half, sending several small white pieces of crunchy material into his hair.

  Austin watched. He felt no need for further explanation. Somehow, it almost seemed perfectly normal. He took another sip of his drink.

  “Let’s gamble a little,” Kenneth suggested.

  While Austin lost eight dollars in the slot machines, Kenneth called Tina.

  “Hello, Tina?”

  “Who’s asking?”

  “Well, Captain Kenneth St. John of the United States Navy. I got your name from a friend. I’m in town entertaining Senator Austin McAdoo from the fine state of Alabama. We’d like to retain your services.”

  Tina was silent. Then she asked, “What services did you have in mind?”

  “Well now, in Alabama they’d be illegal. But here in Las Vegas, it’s just a business transaction. A little dance, a little pleasure, a little money.”

  “How much money?”

  “Five hundred.”

  “You got a deal, Captain John.”

  Kenneth told her to meet him at the hotel room at 10:15. That way, he’d be sure Emily had vacated the premises.

  Another whiskey. And then the waitress brought another, no Coke added. Austin was drunk like a goat. The world was a spinning ball of lights, big-breasted waitresses, bells, and silver coins.

  Kenneth carried his bag on his shoulder. At 10:05 he found Austin staring intently at a cowboy poker player wearing a black ten-gallon hat.

  “Hey, Austin, let’s go upstairs. Maybe we can order a little room service. I’ve still got a few dollars left.”

  Austin leaned against the wall inside the elevator, unsteady.

  “Where do you think Emily is?” he asked.

  Kenneth didn’t answer.

  “Have you ever told anybody you loved them? It’s hard. It’s like standing naked,” the large man said almost to himself.

  Kenneth listened. Then he asked, “Do you have any friends, Austin?”

  In Austin’s drunken state, inhibitions dissolved, he said the first thing that drifted into his mind. “You.”

  The elevator door opened. Austin got off and turned in the wrong direction. Kenneth waited a moment longer and then caught the door before it closed.

  Inside the room, while Austin washed his face, Kenneth counted out one hundred dollars. There was a knock at the door.

  “Is that Emily?” Austin mumbled from the bathroom.

  “No,” Kenneth said. “It’s room service. I’ll take care of it.”

  Kenneth opened the door to see a female toad, maybe forty-five years old, short, squat, bleach-blonde hair, wearing a thin powder-blue dress. She smelled like cigarettes and carried a hideous little sequined purse, faded yellow.

  “Wow,” Kenneth said without thinking. “You must be Tina. Thanks for coming. Senator McAdoo is inside washing up. Here’s one hundred dollars.”

  “You said five hundred.”

  “Oh, you’ll get that and more. Every fifteen minutes you spend with the senator, I’ll give you one hundred dollars just like this. If he likes you, you could be here all night. Now let me tell you, he’s shy. He’s gonna want to talk, but he likes his women to start the action, so you be the one to get it going.”

  “Where’s your uniform?” Tina asked.

  “We can’t wear uniforms when we meet with prostitutes. It’s against regulations. Now let me introduce you.”

  Austin walked out of the bathroom, drying his face with a towel. He removed the towel to see Tina the toad.

  “Where’s our food?” he asked.

  Kenneth said, “Mr. McAdoo, this is Tina. She will bring you great pleasure. I’ll go get you a snack, and I’ll be back shortly.”

  Kenneth, his bag still around his shoulder, walked out the door. He entered the elevator alone, pressed the button, and rode alone all the way to the casino. He planned to walk out the door, take a bus to Los Angeles, and count his money on the way. But Kenneth Mint passed a roulette wheel. The silver ball rolled round and round the red and black wheel. He stopped.

  He knew he had a few minutes. At least fifteen. So he bought a hundred dollars in chips and decided to let it ride on red. He set the chips down and looked up to see Emily Dooley enter the casino. She walked slowly, looking down like she was counting her steps to the elevator. Kenneth hunkered behind a large woman from Pittsburgh and watched Emily make her way to the elevator. She got inside and the doors closed.

  Kenneth asked the woman from Pittsburgh, “What time is it?”

  “10:30,” she said.

  Emily Dooley reached the right floor. She walked slowly down the hall, questioning herself. Why should she have to sit in the car? Was Austin McAdoo a man of his word? How would she know if she didn’t see for herself?

  She was right, and she was wrong, but mostly she was curious to the point of exhaustion.

  Emily listened at the door. She heard a rustling. The sound of a pillow hitting the floor. She eased the key card into the slot, opened the door slowly, and saw a naked woman. An incredibly ugly naked woman straddling the fully-clothed torso of Austin McAdoo, her backside to Austin’s face, her frontside to the door, saggy breasts and white high-heeled shoes cocked in the air.

  Austin was so drunk he could barely see. He had actually fallen asleep, but unfortunately, Tina’s body blocked his view of the door, and therefore, blocked Emily’s view of Austin’s closed eyes.

  “Who are you?” Tina said. “Nobody said nothin’ about a threesome.”

  Emily’s anger was like a fire.

  “You promised,” she screamed. “You promised. You were supposed to be different. You swore on a stack of Bibles.”

  Austin opened his eyes to see the bare ass of what appeared to be an elderly woman wearing white high-heels. Before he could gather his wits, and remove the blonde rider, Emily had packed her bags and was heading out the door.

  “Emily, Emily,” he wailed, like a wounded animal. But it was too late. She was gone. And Austin fell to his knees in the room, unable to chase her. Unable to stop his world from crumbling to pieces before his bloodshot eyes.

  Tina said, “I ain’t leavin’ without my extra hundred bucks. I’ve been here more than fifteen minutes.”

  Austin turned to look at the naked woman. He couldn’t focus his eyes.

  “Where’s Captain John?” she asked.

  Austin said with displeasure, “I know no one by the name of Captain John.”

  “Well, I ain’t leavin’. Maybe I’ll just call the cops. I’m sure a senator like yourself ain’t too interested in causin’ a big scene. Might end up in the newspapers.”

  Austin squeezed up his face. “Lord God, what are you talking about? Please leave me in my misery, naked woman.”

  “I ain’t leavin’,” she said. “It smells like cat pee in here.”

  Downstairs, Kenneth won three times in a row. He bet red, then black, then red again, skipping a turn in between each time. The elevator door opened and Emily Dooley charged out, a suitcase in each hand. Kenneth followed her to the glass door and watched her storm across the parking lot to the little red car. He watched as Emily headed toward the street, trying to balance Ulysses and Glenn without dropping a suitcase.

  Kenneth Mint stood at the roulette wheel with four hundred dollars in chips. He took a deep breath and thought about things. He thought about the day his wife walked out the door with her red suitcase. He ju
st sat there on the couch and watched her go. He stayed that way the whole day, unable to make himself get up. He didn’t even turn on the television. Just sat there looking at the door, expecting her to come back any minute. But she never did. She never came back, and eventually, he had to get up off the couch and go somewhere.

  He was in Las Vegas. He had one thousand two hundred dollars and a free chance to walk away. Austin McAdoo, a childhood classmate, was upstairs in a hotel room far from home with a belligerent prostitute and a shattered future. But he didn’t owe Austin McAdoo anything. He didn’t owe anybody anything. That was the beauty of having nothing.

  Still, Kenneth Mint stared at the elevator. He was angry at his inability to walk away. He was disappointed at his failure to short-circuit the human condition. He’d spent years, dedicated a substantial portion of his recent life to disconnecting, and now, when his efforts were put to the test, he couldn’t walk out.

  The gold doors of the elevator opened. Austin McAdoo emerged. He was barefoot, shirt unbuttoned, and his black wavy hair was caught in a hurricane of inebriation. Austin stumbled, regained his balance, and set off quickly across the casino in the direction of the front door. At his heels, like a barking Jack Russell, followed Tina, the bleach-blonde prostitute, with a high-heeled shoe in each hand.

  As Austin increased his pace, Tina turned up the volume on purpose. “Senator McAdoo! Senator McAdoo! Why are you in such a hurry?”

  Heads in the casino began to turn. Austin bumbled down the aisle of blackjack tables, all heads followed as he passed.

  “Where’s Captain John?” she nearly yelled.

  Kenneth ducked again behind the big Pittsburgh lady as they neared.

  Austin knocked over a stool. He could no longer endure the barking dog and turned on the painted woman. His words were poisonous, slurred, and booming.

  “Lord God Almighty, I have told you I have no money, I am not a senator, and I do not know Captain John.”

  The audience was silent. Tina was temporarily paralyzed. She looked up at the gigantic disheveled man who reeked of whiskey and blue cheese.

  She placed her hands on her hips, each still holding a white high-heeled shoe, and said with just enough spite to recover from the sudden change in circumstances, “You don’t have to yell.”