The Radish River Caper

by Ross H. Spencer

  She said did you have a girlfriend?

  I shrugged.

  Right shoulder.

  I said well sort of.

  I said Mary Ann Cummings.

  I said she used to loan me her bike.

  I said I wrecked it once.

  I said as a matter of fact I wrecked it three times.

  Brandy said Mary Ann Cummings must have really liked you.

  I didn’t say anything.

  Neither did Brandy.

  She was staring into the darkness.

  I said didn’t you ever tell ghost stories when you were a kid?

  Brandy leaned forward and put a hand on my shoulder.

  She spoke in a shuttered voice.

  She said Purdue there’s somebody out there in the trees.

  I grinned.

  Brandy said I’m sure of it.

  I said that’s the idea.

  Brandy said two of them.

  I said spooky stuff.

  Brandy said Purdue dammit listen to me.

  She said when I count to three hit the ground and roll.

  I said hey that’s the spirit.

  I chuckled.

  I said get it?

  I said spirit?

  Brandy said oh God.

  I said don’t forget the Holy Ghost.

  I laughed.

  I said get it?

  I said ghost?

  Brandy could kick like a mule.

  I hit the cracked concrete walk on the back of my neck.

  Brandy landed beside me.

  She said now roll!

  I rolled.

  Brandy said oh Lord have mercy.

  She said not this direction Purdue.

  She said the other direction.

  I said well you should have said left or right.

  Brandy said merciful Christ do you think it would have helped?

  I said hell it would have been worth a try.

  Brandy swore.

  She said Purdue just forget it and get off of me.

  I said Brandy this wasn’t my idea in the first place.

  Brandy’s liquid brown eyes were blistering me.

  She said look.

  She said the position is acceptable but the location is nothing short of abominable.

  I shrugged.

  Both shoulders.

  Brandy said stop shrugging.

  She said people could get the wrong impression.

  I said don’t worry about it.

  I said they’re gone.

  Brandy said who for Christ’s sake?

  I shrugged.

  I said just a couple guys with long pieces of pipe.

  I said they ran down the street.

  Brandy said get off you big bastard.

  I stood and helped her to her feet.

  Brandy dusted herself off.

  She said I guess it’s all right now.

  I said well guess again.

  I said you shouldn’t go around kicking people down the stairs.

  I said I never kick you down the stairs.

  I said how would you like it if I kicked you down the stairs?

  Brandy said Purdue shut up.

  She said that’s an order.

  She said just shut up and look at the porch.

  I looked at the porch.

  Stuck in the second and fourth steps were two tiny darts.

  Brandy dislodged them.

  She said blow-gun size.

  She said there’s no point in having them analyzed.

  She said they’ll be loaded to the scuppers with strychnos curare.

  I shrugged.

  I said Brandy you can kick me down the stairs any old time.

  Brandy said well Purdue we’ve learned one thing.

  She said Doctor Ho Ho Ho’s advance party is in town.

  I said make it two things.

  Brandy nodded.

  She said I know.

  She said our cover isn’t as good as we thought it was.

  25

  …if you smile at Cleveland stay the hell out of Chicago…you might laugh yourself to death…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  It was well after three in the morning.

  I was trying to get my wind back.

  I said Brandy you could wipe out the whole damn Light Brigade.

  Brandy said once more unto the breach dear friend?

  I said not just yet kiddo.

  Brandy’s laugh was soft in the darkness.

  She stroked my chest.

  She said Purdue who’s the best woman you’ve ever been in bed with?

  I shrugged.

  I said probably a girl who was training to be a missionary.

  Brandy said I don’t mean that kind of best.

  She said I’m talking about performance only.

  I shrugged.

  I said either Betsy or you.

  I said you’re both incredible.

  I said you’re probably a little more incredible than Betsy.

  I said at least right now.

  Brandy said do you miss Betsy?

  I said not when I’m with you.

  Brandy said do you ever miss me?

  I said not when I’m with Betsy.

  Brandy said the team at bat always wins?

  I shrugged.

  I said something like that.

  Brandy said Purdue you’d make a rotten umpire.

  I said why bother?

  I said I’m already a rotten private detective.

  After a long time Brandy said Purdue?

  I said yeah?

  Brandy said tell me about the girl who was training to be a missionary.

  I shrugged.

  I said there isn’t much to tell.

  Brandy said did she become a missionary?

  I said not for long.

  Brandy said why?

  I said she quit.

  Brandy said did she like sex that well?

  I said sex had nothing to do with it.

  I said they sent her to Cleveland.

  Brandy said oh dear God in Heaven.

  I said that’s what she said.

  26

  …if the next move ain’t the right move it might be the last move…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  Brandy lit a brace of cigarettes and put one in my mouth.

  She said well there’s very little that can be done about it.

  She said Doctor Ho Ho Ho has our number and that’s all there is to it.

  I shrugged.

  I said well I didn’t really believe that those poisoned darts came from General Motors.

  Brandy said we’re between a rock and a hard place.

  She shook her head.

  She said fifty thousand troops a day.

  She said I don’t like the odds.

  She said any ideas?

  I shrugged.

  I said sure.

  I said if you can get ’em all in bed we got a chance.

  Brandy said we’ll have to hit them the very moment they show.

  She said furthermore we have to make it look like an accident.

  She said if only we knew where they’ll come up.

  I said Fiddleduck is dead set on Gunther’s Woods.

  Brandy’s laugh was impatiently sharp.

  She said absolutely not.

  She said Ho Ho Ho knows we’re onto him.

  She said if we weren’t onto him we wouldn’t be in Radish River.

  She said Gunther’s Woods is ideal for Ho Ho Ho’s purposes.

  She said Ho Ho Ho knows it and he knows that we know it.

  She said forget about Gunther’s Woods.

  I shrugged.

  I said what’s our next move?

  Brandy said at the moment we don’t have one.

  She said we’ll just have to continue going through the motions.

  She said I’ll carry on as Hepzibah Dodd and you’ll have to report to Suicide Lewisite now and then.

  She said any damn foo
l kind of report will suffice.

  She said we still have a little time to outfox this diabolical monster.

  She crushed her cigarette into the ashtray.

  She said damned little.

  She reached for me.

  She said let’s make the most of it.

  27

  …leap frog is a game what has been played by just about everybody but frogs…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  On the next afternoon Suicide Lewisite occupied a fifty-yard-line seat high in the nearly empty Radish River High School stadium.

  The only activity was at the scoreboard where a big black truck unloaded boxes.

  Suicide Lewisite stared down at the scene of his magnificent Saturday night triumph.

  A slight smile toyed with one corner of his mouth.

  He said I guess they thought we should lay in a few more tons of aerial bombs just in case the Possumcats run hog wild against Sycamore Center.

  I shrugged and sat down beside him.

  He looked at me from the corner of his eye.

  He said Purdue I hope you haven’t brought me any more goofy gorilla stories.

  I said no but I’m here to make a report.

  I said I ran into some of your players at the drugstore earlier in the day.

  I said they’re certainly an amiable bunch.

  I said I saw absolutely no signs of the dissension that seemed to concern you.

  I said they just sat at the soda fountain and laughed ha-ha-ha and har-de-har-har-har.

  I said one was laughing tee-hee-hee.

  Suicide Lewisite said which one was laughing tee-hee-hee?

  I said I forget.

  Suicide Lewisite said well try to remember because I am going to throw him off the team.

  I said they told naughty stories and they sang “We’ll Be Standing ’Neath the Streetlight at Ten on Friday Night Singing Songs of Love in Harmony.”

  Suicide Lewisite frowned.

  He said well the words are catchy but what the hell’s the name of the song?

  I said I learned a few things that might be of interest to you.

  Suicide Lewisite said such as?

  I said such as Slippery Sleighballs has some sort of mental block because he was conceived during a leapfrog contest at a Southern Baptist picnic.

  Suicide Lewisite yawned.

  He said is that right?

  I said yeah in the boathouse.

  I said the janitor and the preacher’s wife.

  I said the janitor was drowned later.

  I said while the preacher was baptizing him.

  Suicide Lewisite nodded.

  He said you got more such goodies?

  I said Barracuda Barinelli dropped out of school when he was sixteen.

  Suicide Lewisite said yes I have always assumed as much.

  He said probably from a third story window.

  He said on his head.

  He said in a rock pile.

  He said what else?

  I said well there’s Half-Yard Blunderfoot.

  Suicide Lewisite said what about him?

  I said he seems well adjusted but he has an unusual hobby.

  I said he spends the off-season painting wild animals.

  Suicide Lewisite said well he better be careful not to get turpentine on their rear ends.

  He said particularly them goddam mountain lions.

  28

  …the Devil won’t take the hindmosts…Hell is already full of foremosts…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  We leaned against the iron railing that skirted the top of the stadium.

  Suicide Lewisite watched the late afternoon sun flame low over the distant vast green expanses of Gunther’s Woods.

  He said we got a sellout for the Sycamore Center game.

  He said when we win this one we’ll be right back in the race.

  He placed one foot on the bottom rung of the railing.

  A faraway look came into his eyes.

  He said you know Purdue football is a strange business.

  He said there are times when it seems that true quality will never be appreciated.

  He said no more than a week ago I was afraid to come out of the house on a clear day.

  He said people spat at me.

  He said they set their dogs on me.

  He said children stoned me in the streets.

  He slapped his knee with the flat of his hand.

  He said it all changed after we played Cranberry Creek.

  He said immediately following the game a sedate sandy-haired bespectacled guy ran up and hollered hallelujah and told me that the true mark of greatness was on me just like it was on King David in the Bible.

  He said the Radish River Chamber of Commerce told me that I’m better than Stagg and Bryant and Hayes all put together.

  He said just this morning Mayor Bradford Boone said that I’m certain to be approached by every franchise in the whole damn National Football League.

  He said hell the gas company even turned my gas back on.

  I shrugged.

  I said well that’s nice.

  I said let’s just hope that Zanzibar McStrangle stays on the tracks.

  Suicide Lewisite sniffed.

  He said well Purdue it’s perfectly obvious that McStrangle is a good football player but don’t you honestly feel that the bulk of the credit for the Radish River resurgence should be put where it belongs?

  He said people are beginning to realize that I assembled this gridiron masterpiece and that under my expert guidance its climb to the heights was inevitable.

  He said they’re beginning to recognize the true mark of greatness that is mine.

  He said I find it to be appropriate that they’re forgetting lesser-lights like Stagg and Bryant and Hayes and rewarding fresh and brilliant talent with the accolades it so richly deserves.

  He said the time has come for the National Football League to turn to me in order that my sparkling and innovative brand of football may revive a sport too long mired in the stagnancy of boredom.

  I shrugged.

  I said well Mr. Lewisite I’m certainly glad to hear you talking about something besides suicide.

  Suicide Lewisite turned slowly.

  He took his foot from the railing and brought it down with a thump.

  He stared at me as though I was some sort of rare insect.

  He said suicide Purdue?

  He said do my senses deceive me or did I hear you mention suicide in connection with the name destined to become the greatest in all coaching history?

  I shrugged.

  I said I suppose I should be getting back to Hepzibah Dodd’s place.

  I said the old lady likes to chat a bit in the evening.

  Suicide Lewisite said then hop to it man.

  He said to the swift is the race.

  He said do what thy manhood bids thee do.

  I shrugged.

  Suicide Lewisite said the Devil always takes the hindmost.

  He said what are you waiting for?

  I said well for starters you’re standing on my toe.

  I hobbled down to the macadam track.

  I hobbled to the wrought-iron gate.

  I let myself out.

  I closed the gate and peeked through the bars.

  On the highest point of Radish River High School stadium Suicide Lewisite stood silhouetted against the rays of the dying sun.

  His legs were spread.

  His hands were on his hips.

  His shoulders were squared.

  His head was back.

  His jaw was firm.

  His chest was thrown out.

  Almost as though he knew I would be looking back.

  29

  …football coaches is a dime a dozen…inflation is running wild…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  That evening I said Suicide Lewisite will be coaching in the National Football League next season.

  Brandy glanced u
p.

  She said who told you that?

  I said Suicide Lewisite.

  Brandy said Suicide Lewisite is a little man in a big hurry.

  I said well he don’t seem so little when he’s standing on your toe.

  Brandy said Suicide Lewisite will be extremely fortunate if he’s working on the Radish River garbage truck next season.

  I said the sonofabitch must weigh two-fifty.

  Brandy said the Cranberry Creek game was his first victory in three years.

  I said the trouble is he never seems to realize that he’s standing on your toe.

  Brandy said Suicide Lewisite couldn’t coach horses to eat hay.

  I said he just stands there and stands there and stands there.

  Brandy said that’s enough Purdue.

  I said well if he’s such a bum how come he’s coaching your football team?

  Brandy said it’s my football team in theory only.

  She said and for no longer than through the coming weekend.

  She said by then it’ll all be over and we’ll be out of here.

  She said for better or hearse.

  30

  …he who hesitates ends up thirsty…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  I started uptown at eight in the morning.

  I noticed a small tavern on a side street.

  The bartender was just unlocking the door.

  He said don’t you think it’s too early?

  I shrugged.

  I said hell if it’s that early why are you open?

  The bartender said you know I been wondering about that myself.

  31

  …a riot is like a visit from your mother-in-law…it takes more to get one stopped than it does to get it started…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  At two in the afternoon I continued northward.

  More or less.

  I met Sir Lennox Nilgood Fiddleduck walking south.

  He took me by the arm.

  He propped me against a tree.

  I said hi there.

  I said wass new?

  Sir Lennox said there’s been a second riot.

  I said over what?

  Sir Lennox said over who started the first riot.

  He said sixty-five people have been incarcerated.

  I said oh thassawful.

  I said I thought thass sort of thing went out with the Spanish Exposition.

  Sir Lennox said sixty-five people have gone to jail Purdue.