by Amber Garza
“Are you sure?” I peered up at him, my hair falling over my eyes.
Gently, he swept it back. “Positive. In fact, I’ll head out right now and be home before you know it
As he left the kitchen, a small smile played on my lips. It couldn’t have gone better if I’d scripted it myself.
Kyler slipped on his shoes and grabbed his keys. “I’ll even pick you up some ice cream.” He glided into the kitchen, and his lips met mine briefly. A barely there kiss. The distracted kiss of someone who knew the other person would be waiting for him when he got home.
I felt a tiny stab of guilt. It sickened me how easily I was able to slip back into my old patterns. How easy it was for the old Jade to surface. It made me wonder if I had actually changed at all. After he left, I stood at the window watching his truck barrel down the driveway. For one moment I felt paralyzed, unable to move from my spot near the window. A strange sense of foreboding blanketed me. It was like I knew that whatever I found out today would change everything for Kyler and me. As much as I wanted to know the truth, I didn’t want to lose Kyler. I didn’t want to have to give up what we had. And I didn’t want to go back to the life I had before.
Kyler’s truck turned onto the road and disappeared. Once it was out of sight, my body kicked into gear as the old Jade took over. I didn’t have time to waffle. If I wanted to know the truth this was the time. I hurried into the family room and raced over to the computer. As the screen came to life, Edgar trotted over to me. He cocked his head to the side and stared at me with those big chocolate colored eyes. I froze for a moment, feeling as if I’d been caught. Then I felt silly. He was just a dog. I shooed him away with my hand and then returned my attention to the computer.
After opening the document, I scrolled to the last place I read. Wiping my sweaty hands alternately on the thigh of my jeans, I read through the first couple of pages. The more I read, the sicker I felt. When I reached the third page, my knees buckled and I fell into Kyler’s chair. It swiveled beneath me. I anchored my feet to the floor, holding it in place.
“You think I didn’t see you talking to him?” He spat. “You think I didn’t see the way he looked at you.” His open palm struck Alison’s cheek. Her head reeled back, her skin stinging. A red handprint arose on her flesh.
“I-I-I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” Her lips wobbled as her icy blue eyes filled with tears.
“Damn right it won’t. I’m going to make sure no guy ever looks at you again.” His face neared hers. “I’ll remind you that you’re mine and you’ll always be mine.” Reaching into his pocket, he yanked out the red lighter.
I turned away from the screen, unable to read the rest. I didn’t need to. I knew what happened. I was there. A violent tremor racked my body. Only, Kyler wasn’t there. So how did he know? One thing was certain, I wasn’t sticking around to find out.
I had to get the hell out of here.
Without bothering to close out of the document, I hopped out of his chair and ran to my bedroom. My clothes were put away in the drawers, and my backpack sat empty on the ground. Sadness swept over me as I snatched it up. I had started to feel like this place was home. What an idiot. I should have known better. All of that crap Kyler spewed about happy endings was a lie. There was never going to be a happy ending for me.
This place had given me false hope that I could start over, become someone new. But I couldn’t outrun the past. It would find me no matter how far I ran or how well I hid. For me happiness would always be nothing more than a wish, a hope, a dream. Edgar stood in the doorway, barking. I motioned him forward with a roll of my hand, emotion lodging so thick in my throat I was unable to speak. I dropped to the floor, my knees hitting the ground with a thud. My hands fumbled in Edgar’s fur, running along his back and up to his head. I never thought I’d grow so fond of an animal. But as I stroked Edgar’s fur for the last time, my heart broke.
“I’ll miss you,” I said before standing up.
Sniffing, I threw my clothes into my backpack. Before leaving the bedroom, I spotted The Yellow String sitting on the nightstand. Biting my lip, I inched forward. With a shaky hand, I picked it up. As my fingers trailed over the cover, my heart sank. Memories of sitting on the couch with Kyler while reading made my heart ache. Everything had seemed perfect then. As I went to drop it in my backpack, it fluttered open and I caught the slant of writing, a splash of blue ink. Opening the book, I gasped. I hadn’t realized that Kyler had signed it.
Jade, While this book is dark, you are anything but. You have a laugh that lights up a room and a beauty that is inspiring. Keep smiling. It becomes you. Kyler
When did he write this? I pressed the book to my nose, inhaling his familiar scent. Sighing, I pictured him bent over the book, scrawling out the inscription. Clutching the book to my chest, I conjured up the feel of him, the way it felt when his arms wrapped around me and when his lips covered mine. My heart picked up speed and my head spun, reminding me that I had to leave now before I lost my courage. A part of me wanted to stay and demand an answer, but the more rational part knew that was stupid. Clearly he wasn’t who he said he was, and I had enough experience with guys like that to know they were dangerous. Once he found out that I knew the truth, all bets would be off, and who knew what he’d be capable of then. My skin rippled at the thought. Quickly, I tossed the book inside the bag. I may be mad at Kyler, but this book was the first gift anyone ever gave me and, therefore, I was keeping it.
I headed into the bathroom to get my Chapstick and brush. The sound of the zipper as I pulled the backpack closed ripped at my heart. When I swung back around, Edgar was panting at my feet.
“I’m sorry, buddy, but I have to go.” I scooted around him. After putting on my backpack, I hurried to the front door. It swung open, almost hitting me in the face, before I could reach it. I jerked backward. Kyler paused, his gaze lingering on the backpack strapped to my back.
“Where are you going?” Carefully, he lowered the paper bag he held in his hand, setting it on the floor by his feet.
I didn’t feel as brave now with his silver eyes boring into mine. But I didn’t have a choice. I had to stand my ground. Lifting my head, I said, “I’m leaving.”
“You’re what?” Kyler stepped inside, closing the door behind him. I flinched as it slammed shut.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t stay here anymore, Kyler.”
“Why not?”
“Because you haven’t been honest with me.” I crossed my arms over my chest, ignoring the look of hurt and confusion that passed over his features. “You said you aren’t interested in my past, but clearly you are very interested. Clearly you’ve known about it all along.”
Kyler’s gaze slid over my shoulder, and I saw the recognition as it landed on the computer. When I glanced back, I saw that the document was visible on the screen. “Jade.” He came toward me.
I knew that if he touched me it would be over. I’d lose control, and I couldn’t let that happen. So, I skirted around him, dodging his arms. “No. I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.”
“But I can explain.” Kyler’s eyes pleaded with me. I could already feel the pull to him so strong it was like the river’s current, but I couldn’t allow him to yank me under.
“Great. Explain why you’re writing a goddamn book about me without my consent.”
“I told you not to read it.”
My mouth dropped open. Was he blaming me for this?
Groaning, he ran a hand down his face. “That came out wrong. What I meant to say was that I was going to talk to you about it first before you read it.”
I backed away from him. “Who the hell are you?”
“You know who I am, Jade.” He looked deeply into my eyes. “Look at me. Don’t you know? Haven’t you figured it out?”
A chill snaked down my spine. I backed away from him. “I don’t know what game you’re playing, but I never met you before. Not until I stumbled into your barn.” Reaching behind m
y back, I felt around for the doorknob. “And clearly that was a huge mistake.” I turned the knob and the door flung open, bringing a rush of cold air inside. When I whirled around, his hand clamped around my wrist. This time his touch was more forceful than the other times, and fear took root in the pit of my stomach.
“Jade, please come back inside.”
“Let go of me,” I growled, desperation evident in my voice.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” he breathed, his hand slipping from my arm. “I don’t want to lose you.”
“Too late.” I stepped outside and ran as fast as I could until I reached the road. When I did, I fought the urge to turn back around. Instead, I faced forward and walked away from the only place I’d ever felt safe. The only place I’d ever wished to call home.
TWENTY-THREE
The itching started back up again. As I trudged down the road, my whole body itched as if I’d rolled around in the grass naked. I scratched my arms, digging my nails in as hard as I could, until my skin puckered and red lines appeared. I ran my fingernails over my stomach, raked them across my chest, trying to ease the itch through my shirt. But it was no use. This time the itch was different. It wouldn’t be cured by snorting a line or smoking out of a glass pipe. This time the need went deeper. Kyler had gotten under my skin, and no amount of scratching was going to eradicate him.
Gravel crunched beneath my feet as I walked. Open fields flanked me. In the distance I saw cows standing in a field. When the breeze kicked up it smelled like grass and manure, turning my stomach. Adjusting my backpack, I turned the corner and headed toward the town. What I wanted to do was get on the next bus out of this shithole, but I didn’t know where to go. I couldn’t go back to Heath. Not now. Not after all this time. Besides, I’m sure he’d moved on. Probably already had some slut living with him; a new girl he could keep drugged up and kick around when he was in a bad mood.
No, I needed to find a place to regroup and come up with a plan.
I shouldn’t have been surprised by this turn of events. Did I really think that nice guys picked stray drug addicts up off the street and welcomed them into their homes? This wasn’t some sappy afterschool special. I should’ve suspected that there was more to his story from the beginning.
God, I was the biggest idiot on earth.
Even after I found his ring and heard those teenagers gossiping, I still believed in him. For all I knew he was lying about all of it. Maybe he did kill his wife. Man, this may have been the dumbest thing I’d ever done. Worse than staying with Heath all those years. At least with Heath I knew what to expect. With him, what you saw was what you got. There were no lies and deception. It never surprised me when he flew into one of his violent rages because I never expected anything different. It was almost comforting in its familiarity.
But Kyler was different. I never thought he’d hurt me in any way.
I felt completely blindsided by the whole thing. Even though looking back at it, the signs were there. Only I didn’t want to see them. I guess I was in denial. I overlooked a lot because I’d never felt so safe, so cared for, so protected. I would have done almost anything to hold on to that. But I couldn’t pretend he wasn’t writing a book about me. I couldn’t turn my back on the fact that he knew things about me he couldn’t possibly know. I couldn’t overlook the fact that he wasn’t at all who he professed to be.
The town came into view, and my chest tightened. The last time I came here it didn’t go so well. And this time Kyler wasn’t coming to my rescue. Steeling myself, I stepped forward. I dug my fingers down into my pocket and felt around for the wad of cash crumpled inside. At least I still had the money I’d earned. I was sure there was a cheap motel somewhere in town. I could check in and lay low for a couple of days until I figured out where to go from here.
If only I knew where to score some drugs. Screw staying clean. Right now I needed a way to forget. I needed a way to block out all the memories of Kyler. A way to ensure that I wouldn’t think about how good it felt when he kissed me or ran his fingers along my skin. A way to escape the words he’d spoken to me, so sweet and gentle.
That was the last thing I should be thinking about. That kind of thinking wasn’t going to help me right now. Still scratching at my skin, I stepped onto the sidewalk, passing the grocery store and a gas station. My insides twisted at the recollection of the way I was treated inside that store; of the horrified looks and endless questions. A car drove past, and I instinctively lowered my head, allowing my hair to cover my face.
Don’t hide. Don’t ever hide.
At Kyler’s I had started to tuck strands of hair behind my ear, and a few times I even pulled my hair back, knotting it at the nape of my neck. But I wasn’t doing that anymore. What the hell did Kyler know anyway? I was the one who had to live with this affliction, and I knew it was better to keep my scars covered.
I turned the corner and spotted the Red Blossom Boutique. Miss Giggles stood outside dressing a mannequin. I tried to turn around before she could spot me, but it was too late.
“Hi, Jade,” she said in her sickeningly sweet voice. Her red lips curved up in a large smile, reminding me of a clown. A very attractive clown, but still.
“Hi.” I paused trying to remember her name. Funny thing was that I’d called her Miss Giggles so many times I had forgotten her actual name.
“Out doing a little shopping?” Her gaze shifted past my shoulder, probably looking for Kyler. Her flowery dress blew around her pale legs in the slight breeze.
“Yeah.” There was no way I was filling her in on what was really going on. It was none of her damn business.
“Is Kyler busy writing?”
I have no idea what that traitor is doing. “Yeah.”
“Glad to hear that he’s back at it. I was starting to think he’d never write again.” She pulled a long string off the shirt she’d fitted over the mannequin. Then she smoothed it down with her hands.
“What do you mean?”
“After Justine died he stopped writing. He just sat in that house depressed and lonely.”
I wondered how she knew so much about what Kyler was up to.
“My grandma and I went over there once to check on him,” she continued as if she’d read my mind. “He looked like he hadn’t eaten in days. Grandma forced him to.” Miss Giggles, true to her nickname, giggled a little at the memory.
I hated the way my heart went out to him. The way I felt sympathy for the picture she was painting. I shouldn’t care about Kyler at all. So why did I?
“But when he came into my shop with you, it was like he was a different person.” She grinned. “He looked at you the same way he used to look at Justine.” Her hand brushed my arm, causing me to flinch. She didn’t seem to notice though. “I’m so glad he found you. I can tell you make him happy.”
Her words made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to think about Kyler being depressed before I came to town. And I certainly didn’t want to think about the fact that my entrance into his life caused him to write again. Maybe he wasn’t a writer at all. Perhaps he only knew how to steal other people’s stories.
But the part that bothered me the most was what she said about how he looked at me. Mostly because I’d seen it too. The way he stared at me like he couldn’t tear his eyes away if he tried. Like he didn’t see my scars at all. As if he really did see a beautiful woman and not a damaged one. I closed my eyes, trying to shut it out. It was too painful to think about now.
“Well.” I shifted from one foot to the other. “I better get going.”
“Sure. Say hi to Kyler for me.” She waved as I scurried past her.
Staring at my scuffed tennis shoes, I walked swiftly down the sidewalk. Every time someone passed me, I was careful to keep my head bent low and my hair down like a curtain over my cheek. And I didn’t dare look anyone in the eye.
It was late afternoon when I finally came upon a rundown motel on the edge of town. It was one of those ones that look
ed like a strip mall, not like a hotel. It wasn’t enclosed. All the rooms were visible from the street. But I wasn’t used to fancy accommodations anyway. The nicest place I’d ever stayed was Kyler’s.
When I opened the door leading to the front desk, the bell on the door dinged. An older gentlemen sat behind a small desk, and the room was so small I felt a little claustrophobic. It smelled like dust and cigarette smoke. The man’s head bobbed up as I entered. His gaze slid to my scars, and he curled up his nose a little.
I ignored it. “I’d like to rent a room for two nights.”
He gave me a skeptical look. “That’ll be eighty dollars.”
Reaching into my pocket, I yanked out my money. After counting eighty, I tossed it on the counter.
The man couldn’t stop staring at my face. It’s like he thought the answers to how I got burned would be written somewhere within the burn marks. I knew men like him. Morbid curiosity made them lose all tact and decency. But so help me god, if he asked how it happened I would kick him in the balls. I was so not in the mood. Often I would make up stories or joke about it when asked. But not today. Today I wanted to be left the hell alone.
Lucky for him, he read my mood. After sticking my money in the register, he tossed a key my way. “Room five.”
I snatched up the key, and went in search of my room. It looked about like I thought it would. One queen bed sat in the center with a tacky floral print bedspread. A box TV sat on a small stand, and thick dark curtains covered the windows. I dumped my backpack on the bed and went to use the tiny, dingy bathroom. It smelled like bleach, so at least I knew it was clean. That was something.
Afterward, I plopped down on the bed and clicked on the TV. I flipped through the channels looking for something to watch. Finally I settled on some daytime talk show. Sighing, I sat back on the bed, resting my head against the wall. My mind wandered back through town, down the empty gravel road and right back into Kyler’s cozy home.
