Secrets of a Career Girl

by Carol Marinelli

  ‘Of course you should join us,’ Penny said when Kate insisted she didn’t want to interrupt. She sat but when there wasn’t a waiter to be found Ethan headed inside to order coffee and a milkshake for the three-year-old.

  It was horribly awkward for Penny, because she and Kate were just so different; both lived close by yet both moved in completely different circles.

  Both had a bit of what the other wanted.

  ‘Days off?’ Kate asked.

  ‘Yes,’ Penny answered. ‘Well, I’ve been off sick, but I’m back tomorrow.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ Kate said, aching at the defensiveness in Penny’s voice, because she knew so much more.

  ‘Ethan said you had three children?’

  ‘Yes, the eldest is at school,’ Kate said, nodding towards the school over the street. ‘You work in Emergency with Ethan?’ she checked, as if she didn’t already know. ‘I think I saw you when I dropped Ethan off one morning.’

  ‘That’s right.’ Penny did her best not to blush, because it had been the morning she had actually realised just how gorgeous Ethan was.

  Yes, it was awkward because Penny just said as she always did, as little as possible about herself. If she’d only open up, Ethan thought when he returned, then Kate would tell her all about the hell she had gone through to get her three, but instead they talked about work and weather and things that didn’t matter, till Kate had to go. ‘I’ll catch up with you soon, Ethan.’ She gave her brother a friendly kiss on the cheek. ‘It was lovely to meet you, Penny.’

  ‘And you.’

  ‘She seems nice,’ Penny said.

  ‘She is,’ Ethan said, but if she’d just spoken properly to her, then Penny would know that Kate didn’t just seem nice, she actually was.

  Penny, Penny, Ethan sighed in his head. What to do?

  ‘Shall we go to the movies?’

  ‘The movies?’ Penny frowned. ‘I haven’t been to the movies since...’ She thought for a moment. ‘I can’t remember when.’

  At her insistence, Penny bought the tickets and he went and got the popcorn and drinks and things, but as she walked over she saw him talking to a woman and a young boy and stopped walking.

  The woman was being polite, but her face was a frozen mask. The young boy beside her was smiling up at Ethan and she just knew then that it was Justin. He looked like Ethan.

  She was shaking a bit inside, her mind racing. She’d got it wrong with his sister; she couldn’t keep jumping to the conclusion that every woman he spoke to he’d slept with. Penny made a great deal about putting the tickets into her purse, pretending to jump in surprise as Ethan came over.

  ‘Okay?’ Penny checked.

  ‘Sure.’

  She could tell he wasn’t.

  Still, the movie was a good one and it was so nice to sit in the darkness—so nice not to have to think. They sat at the back in a practically empty cinema and ate popcorn and just checked out of the world for a little while, which for Penny was bliss. It was nice too for Ethan to not go over and over the terse conversation with Gina. To just accept that Gina didn’t want her ex-husband’s cousin involved in her son’s life.

  He turned in the darkness to Penny about the same time she turned to him. There was the rustle of popcorn falling to the floor as they acted more like teenagers than a responsible couple in their thirties. After the movie Ethan wished he had brought the car as they walked quickly along the beach, almost running, not just to be together but away from problems each needed to face.

  It felt so good to fall through the door, to lift her arms as he slid her out of her top, to undo the zipper of her shorts, as she did the same to him.

  ‘Why did we leave it so long?’ He was kissing her, not thinking of anything else but her mouth and her body and all the times they had missed, and how much better the boat would have been if he’d had Penny there with him.

  ‘You know why.’

  Ethan’s head was in two places as he remembered what had kept them apart, but that problem had gone now and he just wasn’t thinking, or rather he was thinking out loud, but before he had time to stop himself suddenly the words were out.

  ‘Maybe it’s for the best.’

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  ‘YOU DIDN’T SAY that?’ Kate grimaced. ‘God, Ethan.’

  ‘I can’t believe I said it.’ The once laid-back Ethan had his head in his hands as Kate grilled him further.

  ‘What did she do?’

  His look said it all because Penny had said the F word again, quite a few times, as she’d kicked him out.

  ‘I’m not saying you have to tiptoe around her, but honestly, Ethan, it is the most awful time. Carl and I never row, but we have every time I’ve been on IVF, and if he’d said that...’ Kate let out a long, angry sigh that told Ethan her reaction would have perhaps been as volatile as Penny’s.

  ‘I can understand you’d be upset if Carl said it, but I didn’t mean it like that,’ Ethan said. ‘I meant...’ He stopped talking then.

  ‘What?’ his sister pushed.

  ‘That I can barely get my head around a long-term relationship and having kids of my own, let alone going out with someone who was pregnant with someone else’s child. When I said it was for the best I just meant that at least now we had a chance.’

  ‘You need to tell her that.’

  ‘You’ve met her,’ Ethan told his twin. ‘She’s the most difficult, complicated...’ And there it was, she was everything he wanted, the one woman who could possibly hold his attention. And she was still holding it fully on her first day back at work.

  Penny was wearing a grey skirt with her cream sleeveless blouse but she’d lost weight around her hips and maybe he was a bit of a caveman because he wanted to insist she take some proper time off and haul her to his bed, and feed her and have sex with her and then watch late-night shows in his dark bedroom while she slept, while she healed. He wanted to take care of her. Instead, he had to stand and watch as she nitpicked her way through the department, upsetting everyone. Any minute soon he was going to have to step in.

  ‘Why hasn’t his blood pressure been done?’ Her voice carried over the resuscitation room. Penny was checking the obs chart on her patient. She had ordered observations to be taken every fifteen minutes and when she saw that they hadn’t been done for half an hour she called out to Vanessa.

  ‘It has been done,’ Vanessa said, taking the chart. ‘Sorry, Penny, I just didn’t write it down. It was one-eighty over ninety.’

  ‘Which means nothing if it isn’t written down.’ Penny held her breath and told herself to calm down, but she’d told Vanessa about this a few times. ‘You have to document.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Then why don’t you do it?’ Penny said, and as she walked off, she was aware that Ethan was behind her. He tapped her smartly on the shoulder but she ignored him.

  ‘Stop taking it out on the nurses.’

  ‘I’m not,’ Penny said. ‘What’s the point of Vanessa knowing the patient is hypertensive and not telling me or even writing it down? If he strokes out—’

  ‘Penny.’ He knew all that, knew that she was right, but he could see the dark shadows under her eyes and could feel her tense and too thin under his hand on her shoulder. ‘I’m sorry for what I said.’

  ‘I don’t want to discuss that.’

  ‘Tough.’ She had marched to her office and Ethan had followed and stood with his back to the door. ‘I said the wrong thing. I say the wrong thing a lot apparently.’

  ‘You said how you felt.’

  ‘How could I have when I don’t even know how I feel?’ Ethan couldn’t contain it any longer and to hell with lousy timing, it had been lousy timing for him as well. ‘I’m sorry that I didn’t arrive in your life with a fully packed nappy bag
, ready to be a father to another man’s child.’ Penny closed her eyes. ‘Instead, I walked in on the end of a huge life decision you’d made.’

  ‘I didn’t make it lightly.’

  ‘But I was supposed to,’ Ethan said. ‘I was supposed to be fine with it, delighted that you were pregnant, and for you I was, just not for us!’

  And she was just so bruised and raw and angry and lost she didn’t know how to respond anymore.

  ‘Just leave it.’

  ‘How can I leave it?’ Ethan demanded. ‘Because I’m trying to sort the two of us out and you’re talking about going for it again.’

  ‘No, I’m not.’

  Today, Ethan wanted to add, but just stood there, trying to hold on to his temper, because only a low-life would have a row with a woman going through this. ‘Okay, let’s just leave it,’ Ethan said, ‘but I will not have you taking it out on the nurses. You’ve upset Vanessa.’

  ‘Vanessa knows me.’ Guilt prickled down her spine. ‘I’ve worked with Vanessa for years.’

  ‘Hey,’ Ethan snapped. ‘Do you remember that guy I stitched who’d just had a remote control bounce off his skull?’

  She had no idea what he was talking about. ‘Well, maybe you weren’t working that day, but he said the same. “She’s never moaned, we’ve been married for years.”’ His eyes flashed at Penny. ‘People will put up with so much, Penny, but not for ever.’

  ‘I get that!’ Penny screwed her eyes closed on tears. ‘I’ve always been strict with observations, I’ve always been tough.’

  ‘There’s another word to describe you that’s doing the rounds right now, Penny.’

  ‘I know that. It’s just been so intense.’

  ‘I know that,’ Ethan said, ‘but the staff don’t. I’m not going to stand back and let you take it out on them, Penny. Please.’ He was trying to pull her up, trying to talk her down; he just wanted to take her home, but she didn’t want him to and as he tried to take her in his arms Penny was backing off.

  ‘I know it’s been hell for you,’ Ethan said.

  ‘Well, it’s over.’ Penny swallowed down her pain. ‘I just want to get back to my life, back to my career. I can’t believe that I turned down a prom...’ She stopped herself.

  ‘Say it.’

  Penny looked at him.

  ‘It doesn’t matter.’

  ‘You know how I really hate that.’ And so he waited.

  ‘I turned down a promotion so that I could concentrate on IVF.’

  ‘You mean you turned down my job?’ Ethan checked, and she gave a tight shrug. Then he was on side with the masses—Penny could be such a bitch at times. ‘Thanks a lot, Penny.’

  She wanted to call him back, except he walked out, and if that wasn’t enough to be dealing with, a moment later there was a knock at her door.

  ‘Hi, Lisa.’ Penny gave a tight smile. ‘It’s not really a good time.’

  ‘No, it isn’t a good time,’ Lisa said. ‘My nurses work hard, Penny, and they put up with a lot and they do many extra things to help you that you probably don’t even notice.’ Penny swallowed as Lisa continued. ‘But you might start to notice just how much extra they did for you when they stop.’

  * * *

  ‘It will be okay,’ Jasmine said.

  Penny had left work early, to Mr Dean’s obvious displeasure, and the second she had got home she had rung her sister and said sorry, and Jasmine had come round. They’d had a cuddle when Jasmine had arrived at her door and, this time, when Penny had felt the swell in her sister’s stomach, while it had hurt, overriding that Penny was happy for her sister and just so pleased to see her that she told Jasmine about work.

  ‘I’ve upset all the nurses.’

  ‘Penny!’ Jasmine flailed between divided loyalties. ‘You haven’t been that bad. Lisa can be a cow at times—and Vanessa’s always forgetting to write things down, but if you were more friendly, if people knew more what was going on in your life...’

  ‘I don’t know how to tell people.’

  And Jasmine got that, because since she had been a little girl it had been Penny who had taken care of things, who had let her little sister open up to her about all the scary stuff going on with their parents and had said nothing about her own fears.

  ‘You told Ethan.’

  ‘Because I had to.’

  ‘So how did the Neanderthal do?’ Jasmine asked.

  ‘He was great,’ Penny said, and she let out a sigh as she remembered that day, how he’d stepped in when she’d broken down, how he’d actually said all the right things. ‘Not just with the injections.’

  ‘You like him?’

  Penny nodded. ‘And I just hurt him,’ she said. ‘I let it slip about the promotion.’

  ‘You didn’t just let it slip,’ Jasmine said. ‘You did what you always do whenever anyone gets close.’

  ‘Probably,’ Penny admitted.

  ‘Try talking to him,’ Jasmine said.

  ‘I don’t want to talk to him about this, though,’ Penny said. ‘It’s all we talk about and I’m tired of it. I wish I’d met him without this damn IVF hanging over me. I want us to have a chance at normal.’

  ‘Tell him, then,’ Jasmine urged.

  ‘I can’t yet,’ Penny admitted. ‘I need to sort out myself first, work out how I feel about other things.’ Penny took a deep breath. ‘I’ve just been going round in circles and I can’t anymore and I’m not going to dump on Ethan. I need to think of myself.’

  When Jasmine had gone she rang Mr Dean.

  Told him she was struggling with some personal issues and that she was taking some time off.

  Just let him put a word wrong now, Penny thought.

  ‘That’s fine, Penny.’ Mr Dean must have heard the unvoiced warning in her tone, because he told her to take the two weeks of annual leave she had left and more if she needed it, and even though he could be very insensitive, for once he was incredibly careful not to say the wrong thing.

  Unlike a certain someone, Penny thought as she stripped off her work clothes and headed for the shower.

  Unlike Ethan.

  Penny’s eyes filled with tears then because part of what she liked about Ethan was that he did say the wrong thing and wasn’t always careful at times, wasn’t tentative and constantly wearing kid gloves around her, which she hated.

  He’d never deliberately hurt her, he’d just been trying to say how he felt about her losing... Penny screwed her eyes closed, tried to block the pain, but she couldn’t do it anymore. There wasn’t a needle in sight but she let it all out then, folded up on the shower floor, crying and sobbing as she mourned. Because it wasn’t just a failed IVF, she hadn’t just got her period that horrible time. For a little while there she had thought she’d got her baby.

  While she might feel better after a really good cry, Penny thought, she certainly didn’t look better.

  Huddled on the sofa in her nightdress, watching but not watching the news, Penny surveyed the damage. Yes, IVF was expensive, and she wasn’t just talking dollars.

  Penny rang her mum and had a nice talk with her, a really nice talk, because her mum told Bradley she was taking the call upstairs and they spoke for a good hour. Louise offered to come over but Penny didn’t want her to.

  Next.

  Unable to say it, she fired off Ethan a text saying she was sorry for being such a bitch about his job.

  And then he sent her a text with a photo attached—a big bear with a tiny dart in it.

  Just a bruised ego—all mended now.

  Which made her smile, and when a little while later her doorbell rang she wasn’t sure if it was Ethan or her mum, but as she opened it, Penny knew her response would be the same.

  ‘I really want to be on my own.’

  �
�Why?’ Ethan said. He’d come straight from work and was in his scrubs and looking far too gorgeous for someone feeling as drained as Penny did.

  ‘Because I’m such good company.’ She didn’t need to tell him she was being sarcastic. He looked at her swollen eyes and lips and the little dark red dots on her eyelids and he couldn’t let her close the door.

  ‘I need to talk to you, Penny,’ Ethan said. ‘I lied to you.’

  ‘That’s fine.’

  ‘You don’t even want to know when I lied?’

  ‘No,’ Penny said. ‘I want to think about me.’ But she did let him in. Ethan pulled her into his arms for a cuddle but he felt her resistance and just wanted to erase it, wanted to take some of her hurt, but she simply wouldn’t let him. ‘I wish you’d spoken to my sister. Kate’s been through it many, many times. I wish you’d let people in.’

  ‘I wish I would too,’ Penny said.

  ‘Then why don’t you?’ He could see the confusion swirling in her eyes, guessed she was trying to answer that by herself. He was going to make her talk, was determined to sort things out, and he led her to the couch and sat down beside her. ‘You don’t have to keep it all in. It’s not good for you. You said you didn’t get upset when your dad left and then a few days later—’

  ‘Oh, don’t start.’

  ‘I have started,’ Ethan said.

  ‘Of course I was upset when he left,’ Penny said.

  ‘You just couldn’t show it.’

  ‘No!’ Penny said. ‘Because Jasmine was sobbing herself to sleep, Mum was doing the same on the couch, and someone had to do the dishes and make Jasmine her lunch and...’ She swallowed the hot choking fear she had felt then. ‘How would falling apart have helped?’

  ‘It might have stopped you falling apart now,’ Ethan suggested. ‘It might have meant your mother would have stepped up. It might have meant someone stepping in.’

  ‘I’m not falling apart,’ Penny said, and she meant it. ‘I did that a couple of hours ago.’

  He looked at her swollen face. ‘I could have been there for you.’

  ‘Oh, no,’ Penny said. ‘I’m so glad that you weren’t.’ She gave him a smile, a real one, because there were things she simply didn’t want another person to see, and she actually felt better for her mammoth cry and was ready now to face another truth.