Little Myth Marker

by Robert Asprin

  The girl they were escorting into the room bore no resemblance at all to a boat.

  Chapter Four

  "A doll is a doll is a doll."

  -F. Sinatra

  BUNNY was a top-heavy little redhead with her hair in a pixie cut and a vacant stare a zombie would envy. She was vigorously chewing something as she rubbernecked, trying to take in the entire room at once.

  "Gee. This is quite a place you guys's got here. It's a lot nicer than the last place I was at, ya know?"

  "This is just the waitin' room," Nunzio said with pride. "Wait'll you see the rest of the layout. It's bigger'n any hangout I've ever worked, know what I mean?"

  "What'sa matter with you two?" Guido barked. "Ain't ya got no manners? First things first. Bunny, this is the Boss. He's the one you're goin' to be workin' under."

  Bunny advanced toward me holding out her hand. From the way her body moved under her tight-fitting clothes, there was little doubt what she was wearing under them...or not wearing, as the case may be.

  "Pleased ta meetcha. Boss. The pleasure's mutual," she said brightly.

  For once, I knew exactly what to say.

  "No."

  She stopped, then turned toward Guido with a frown. "He means not to call him 'Boss' until you get to know him," my bodyguard assured her. "Around here he's just known as Skeeve."

  "Gotcha," she winked. "Okay, Skeeve...ya know, that's kinda cute."

  "No," I repeated.

  "Okay. So it's not cute. Whatever you say. You're the Boss."

  "NO!"

  "But..."

  I ignored her and turned directly to Guido. "Have you lost your marbles? What are you doing bringing her in here like this?"

  "Like I said. Boss, she's a present from Don Bruce."

  "Guido, lots of people give each other presents. Presents like neckties and books...not girls!"

  My bodyguard shrugged his shoulders helplessly. "So Don Bruce ain't lots of people. He's the one who assigned us to you in the first place, and he says that someone with your standin' in the Mob should have a moll."

  "Guido...let's talk. Excuse us a minute. Bunny." I slipped an arm around my bodyguard's shoulders and drew him off into a corner. That may sound easy until you realize I had to reach up to get to his shoulders. Both Guido and Nunzio are considerably larger than me.

  "Now look, Guido," I said. "Remember when I explained our setup to you?"

  "Sure, Boss."

  "Well, let's walk through it again. Don Bruce hired Aahz and me on a non-exclusive basis to watch over the • Mob's interests here at the Bazaar. Now, he did that because the ordinary methods he employs weren't working...Right?"

  "Actually, he hired you and included your partner. Except for that...right."

  "Whatever. We also explained to you that the reason the Mob's usual methods weren't working was that the Bazaar merchants had hired us to chase the Mob out. Remember?"

  "Yea. That was really a surprise when you told us. You really had us goin', know what I mean?"

  "Now that brings us to the present. The money we're collecting from the Bazaar merchants and passing on to Don Bruce, the money he thinks they're paying the Mob for protection, is actually being paid to us to keep the Mob away from the Bazaar. Get it?"

  "Got it."

  "Good. Then, understanding the situation as you do, you can see why I don't want a moll or anyone else from the Mob hanging around. If word gets back to Don Bruce that we're flimflamming him, it'll reopen the whole kettle of worms. That's why you've got to get rid of her."

  Guido nodded vigorously.

  "No," he said.

  "Then all you have to...what do you mean, 'no'? Do I have to explain it all to you again?"

  My bodyguard heaved a great sigh.

  "I understand the situation, Boss. But I don't think you do. Allow me to continue where you left off."

  "But I..."

  "Now, whatever you are, Don Bruce considers you to be a minor chieftain in the Mob running a profitable operation. Right?"

  "Well..."

  "As such, you are entitled to a nice house, which you have, a couple of bodyguards, which you have, and a moll, which you don't have. These things are necessary in Don Bruce's eyes if the Mob is to maintain its public image of rewarding successful members...just as it finds it necessary to express its displeasure at members who fail. Follow me?"

  "'Public image,'" I said weakly.

  "So it is in the interests of the Mob that Don Bruce has provided you with what you have failed to provide yourself...namely: a moll. If you do not like this one, we can take her back and get another, but a moll you must have if we are to continue in our existing carefree manner. Otherwise..." He paused dramatically.

  "Otherwise...?" I prompted.

  "If you do not maintain the appearance of a successful Mob member, Don Bruce will be forced to deal with you as if you were unsuccessful...know what I mean?"

  I suddenly felt the need to massage my forehead. "Terrific."

  "My sentiments exactly. Under the circumstances, however, I thought it wisest to accept his gift in your name and hope that you could find an amicable solution to our dilemma at a later date."

  "I suppose you're...Hey! Wait a minute. We already have Massha and Tananda in residence. Won't they do?"

  Guido gave his sigh again. "This possibility did indeed occur to me as well. Then I said to myself: 'Guido, do you really want to be the one to hang the label of moll on either Massha or Tananda, knowing those ladies as you do? Even if it will only be bantered around the Mob?' Viewed in that light, it was my decision to go along with Don Bruce's proposal and leave it to you to make the final decision...Boss."

  I shot a sharp glance at him for that last touch of sarcasm. Despite his affected speech patterns and pseudo-pompous explanations, I occasionally had the impression that Guido was far more intelligent than he let on. At the moment, however, his face was a study in innocence, so I let it ride.

  "I see what you mean, Guido. If either Massha or Tananda are going to be known as 'molls,' I'd rather it was their choice, not mine. Until then, I guess we're stuck with...what's her name? Bunny? Does she wiggle her nose or something?"

  Guido glanced across the room at the other two, then lowered his voice conspiratorially. "Just between you and me, Boss, I think you would be well advised to accept this particular moll that Don Bruce has personally selected to send. Know what I mean?''

  "No, I don't." I grimaced. "Excuse me, Guido, but the mind's working a little slow just now. If you're trying to tell me something, you're going to have to spell it out."

  "Well, I did a little checkin' around, and it seems that Bunny here is Don Bruce's niece, and..."

  "HIS Ni..."

  "Ssshh. Keep it down. Boss. I don't think we're supposed to know that."

  With a supreme effort, I suppressed my hysteria and lowered my voice again. "What are you trying to do to me? I'm trying to keep this operation under wraps and you bring me Don Bruce's niece?"

  "Don't worry."

  "DON'T..."

  "Sshh! Like I said. I've been checking around. It seems the two of them don't get along at all. Wouldn't give each other the time of day. The way I hear it, he doesn't want her to be a moll, and she won't go along with any other kind of work. They fight over it like cats and dogs. Anyway, if you can trust any moll to not feed Don Bruce the straight scoop, it's her. That's why I was sayin' that you should keep this one."

  My headache had now spread to my stomach.

  "Swell. Just swell. Well, at least..."

  "The one thing I couldn't find out, though," Guido continued with a frown, "is why he wants her with you. I figure that it's either that he thinks that you'll treat her right, or that he expects you to scare her out of bein' a moll. I'm just not sure which way you should play it."

  This was not turning out to be a good night for me. In fact, it had gone steadily downhill since I won that last hand of dragon poker.

  "Guido," I said. "Please don't say a
nything more. Okay? Please? Every time I think that things might not be so bad, you drag out something else that makes them worse."

  "Just tryin' to do my job," he shrugged, obviously hurt, "but if that's what you want...well, you're the Boss."

  "And if you say that one more time, I'm liable to forget you're bigger than me and pop you one in the nose. Understand? Being the 'Boss' implies a certain degree of control, and if there's one thing I don't have right now, it's control."

  "Right, B...Skeeve," my bodyguard grinned. "You know, for a minute there you sounded just like my old B...employer. He used to beat up on Nunzio and me when he got mad. Of course, we had to stand there and take it...."

  "Don't give me any ideas," I snarled. "For now, let's just concentrate on Bunny."

  I turned my attention once more to the problem at hand, which was to say Bunny. She was still staring vacantly around the room, jaws working methodically on whatever it was she was chewing, and apparently oblivious to whatever it was Nunzio was trying to tell her.

  "Well, uh...Bunny," I said, "it looks like you're going to be staying with us for a while."

  She reacted to my words as if I had hit her "on" switch.

  "Eeoooh!" she squealed, as if I had just told her that she had won a beauty pageant. "Oh, I know I'm just goin' to love workin' under you, Skeevie."

  My stomach did a slow roll to the left.

  "Shall I get her things, Boss?" Nunzio said. "She's got about a mountain and a half of luggage outside."

  "Oh, you can leave all that," Bunny cooed. "I just know my Skeevie is going to want to buy me a whole new wardrobe."

  "Hold it! Time out!" I ordered. "House rules time. Bunny, some things are going to disappear from your vocabulary right now. First, forget 'Skeevie.' It's Skeeve...just Skeeve, or if you must, the Great Skeeve in front of company. Not Skeevie."

  "Gotcha," she winked.

  "Next, you do not work under me. You're...you're my personal secretary. Got it?"

  "Why sure, sugar. That's what I'm always called."

  Again with the wink.

  "Now then, Nunzio. I want you to get her luggage and move it into...I don't know, the pink bedroom."

  "You want I should give him a hand, Boss?" Guido asked.

  "You stay put." I smiled, baring all my teeth. "I've got a special job for you."

  "Now just a darn minute!" Bunny interrupted, her cutie-pie accent noticeably lacking. "What's this with the 'pink bedroom'? Somehow you don't strike me as the kind that sleeps in a pink bedroom. Aren't I moving into your bedroom?"

  "I'm sleeping in my bedroom," I said. "Now isn't it easier for you to move into one of our spares than for me to relocate just so you can move into mine?"

  As I said, it had been a long night, and I was more than a little slow. Lucky for me, Bunny was fast enough for both of us.

  "I thought we was goin' to be sharin' a room, Mr. Skeeve. That's the whole idea of my bein' here, ya know? What's wrong? Ya think I got bad breath or sumpin'?"

  "Aahh...ummm..." I said intelligently.

  "Hi, Guido...Nunzio. Who's...oh wow!"

  That last witty line didn't come from me. Massha had just entered the room with Markie in tow and lurched to a halt at the sight of Bunny.

  "Hey. Boss! What's with the kid?"

  "Guido, Nunzio, this is Markie...our other house guest. Massha, Markie, this is Bunny. She's going to be staying with us for a while...in the pink bedroom."

  "Now I get it!" Bunny exclaimed. "You want we should play it cool because of the kid! Well, you can count on me. Discretion is Bunny's middle name. The pink bedroom it is!"

  I could cheerfully have throttled her. If her meaning was lost on Markie, it certainly hadn't gotten past Massha, who was staring out at me from under raised eyebrows.

  "Whatever!" I said rather than take more drastic action. "Now, Nunzio, you get Bunny set up in the pink bedroom. Massha, I want you to get Markie settled in the blue bedroom next to mine...and knock it off with the eyebrows. I'll explain everything in the morning."

  "That I want to hear," she snorted. "C'mon, kid."

  "I'm not tired!" Markie protested.

  "Tough!" I countered. "I am."

  "Oh," she said meekly and followed Massha.

  Whatever kind of a crumb her father might be, somewhere along the line she had learned when adults could be argued with and when it was best to go with the flow.

  "What do you want me to do. Boss?" Guido asked eagerly.

  I favored him with my evilest grin.

  "Remember that special assignment I said I had for you?"

  "Yea, Boss?"

  "I'll warn you, it's dangerous."

  That appealed to his professional pride, and he puffed out his chest. "The tougher the better. You know me!"

  "Fine," I said. "All you have to do is go upstairs and explain Bunny to Aahz. It seems my partner isn't talking to me just now."

  Chapter Five

  "Such stuff dreams are made of."

  -S. Beauty

  LUANNA was with me. I couldn't remember when she arrived or how long she had been here, but I didn't care. I hadn't seen her since we got back from the jailbreak on Limbo, and I had missed her terribly. She had left me to stay with her partner. Matt, and a little piece of me went with her. I won't be so cornball as to say it was my heart, but it was in that general vicinity.

  There was so much I wanted to tell her...wanted to ask her, but it didn't really seem necessary. We just lay side by side on a grassy hill watching the clouds, enjoying each other's company in silence. I could have stayed like that forever, but she raised herself on one elbow and spoke softly to me.

  "If you'll just skootch over a little, Skeevie, we can both get comfy."

  This was somehow jarring to my serenity. She didn't sound like Luanna at all. Luanna's voice was musical and exciting. She sounded like...

  "BUNNY!"

  I was suddenly sitting bolt upright, not on a grassy knoll, but in my own bed.

  "Ssshh! You'll wake up the kid!"

  She was perched on the edge of my bed wearing something filmy that was even more revealing than the skintight outfit she had had on last night.

  "What are you doing in my room!?"

  I had distinct memories of stacking several pieces of furniture in front of the door before I retired, and a quick glance confirmed that they were still in place.

  "Through the secret passageway," she said with one of her winks. "Nunzio showed it to me last night."

  "Oh, he did, did he?" I snarled. "Remind me to express my thanks to him for that little service.''

  "Save your thanks, sugar. You're goin' to need them when I get done with you."

  With that she raised the covers and slid in next to me. I slid out the other side of the bed as if a spider had just joined me. Not that I'm afraid of spiders, mind you, but Bunny scares me stiff.

  "Now what's wrong?" she whined.

  "Um...ah...look. Bunny. Can we talk for a minute?"

  "Sure," she said, sitting up in bed and bending forward to rest her elbows on her knees. "Anything you say."

  Unfortunately, her current position also gave me an unrestricted view of her cleavage. I promptly forgot what I was going to say.

  "Aaah...I...urn..."

  There was a knock at the door.

  "Come in!" I said, grateful for the interruption.

  That is beyond a doubt the dumbest thing I have ever said.

  The door opened, sweeping the stacked furniture back with amazing ease, and Chumley walked in.

  "I say, Skeeve, Aahz has just been telling me the most remarkable...Hal-lo?"

  I mentioned before that Chumley is a troll. What I didn't say was that he could blush...probably because I didn't know it myself until just now. Of all the sights I've seen in several dimensions, a blushing troll is in a category all its own.

  "You must be Chumley!" Bunny chirped. "The boys told me about you."

  "Umm...quite right. Pleased to make your acquaintance and al
l that," the troll said, trying to avert his eyes while still making polite conversation.

  "Yeah. Sure, Chum. Don't you have somethin' else to do...like leavin'?"

  I clutched at his arm in desperation.

  "No! I mean...Chumley always comes by first thing in the morning."

  "Ahh...Yes. Just wanted to see if Skeeve was ready for a spot of breakfast."

  "Well, I got here first," Bunny bristled. "If Skeevie wants something to nibble on, he can..."

  "Good morning. Daddy!"

  Markie came bounding into the room and gave me a hug before any of us knew she was around.

  "Well, well. You must be Skeeve's new ward, Markie," the troll beamed, obviously thankful to have something to focus on other than Bunny.

  "And you're Chumley. Hi, Bunny!"

  "Hiya, kid," Bunny responded with a noticeable lack of enthusiasm as she pulled the covers up around her neck.

  "Are you up, Skeeve?"

  The voice wafting in from the corridor was immediately identifiable as Tananda.

  Chumley and I had rarely worked together as a team, but this time no planning or coordination was necessary. I scooped Markie up and carried her into the hall while Chumley followed, slamming the door behind him with enough force to crack the wood.

  "Pip pip, little sister. Fine day, isn't it?"

  "Hi, Tananda! What's new?"

  Our cordial greetings, intended to disarm the situation, succeeded only in stopping our colleague in her tracks.

  Tananda is quite attractive--if curvaceous, olive-skinned, green-haired women are your type. Of course, she looks a lot better when she isn't pursing her lips and narrowing her eyes suspiciously.

  "Well, for openers, I'd say the little girl under your arm is new," she said firmly. "I may not be the most observant person, but I'm sure I would have noticed her if she had been around before."

  "Oh. Well, there are a few things I've got to debrief you on," I smiled weakly. "This is one of them. Her name is Markie, and..."

  "Later, Skeeve. Right now I'm more curious about what my big brother's up to. How 'bout it, Chumley? I've seen you slam doors on the way into bedrooms before, but never on the way out."

  "Ummm...that is..." the troll mumbled awkwardly,