Sweet Sorrow

by Tricia Drammeh

  “Don’t feel weird about having a car before I do. I’ll have one by the end of the summer,” he says. “I’m gonna work my ass off.”

  “For Carlos?” I ask, almost holding my breath as I wait for his answer. We haven’t really discussed the Disaster Dinner. Or his broken relationship with his brother.

  “Yeah. Why not?”

  “Well, after that huge fight…”

  “You call that a huge fight?” He chuckles. “Spoken like a true only child.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?” I nudge his ribs and crack a smile, relieved he doesn’t seem to be too broken up about Carlos.

  “We fight all the time. That’s nothing.”

  “It didn’t seem like nothing. Your parents didn’t seem to think it was nothing.”

  “Well, Carlos always needs good help in the summer when it’s busy. Trust me. I still have a job. Besides, he takes what I owe him directly out of my paycheck. You know. Like a payment plan. Working me to death will get him his money faster.”

  “Makes sense.”

  “Yep. So by the end of the summer, we’ll both be driving.”

  “Question is, who drives when we go out together?”

  Eddie grabs me and pulls me onto his lap. His lips crush mine in a searing kiss. Everything drifts away—the sound of children playing at the nearby playground, my worries about Eddie’s relationship with his brother, my nervousness about facing his family again. It’s just the two of us wrapped up in a cocoon of desire. His hands are at my neck, stroking the sensitive flesh with his fingertips while his lips and tongue continue to worship my mouth. A heavy feeling of pure need pools low in my abdomen.

  It’s been getting harder and harder to resist Eddie. He’s been patient and gentle, never pushing me to do anything I don’t want to do, but still, it’s hard to hold back. I know he wants more. I’m just not sure if I’m ready. It isn’t because of lack of desire. Sometimes I want him so bad it hurts. But then I think about Mark.

  “You okay?” Eddie asks, pulling out of our kiss. His lips are still so close to mine, I can feel every word he says.

  “Yeah, why?”

  “You stiffened. Just making sure…”

  I cut off his words by pressing my lips against his again, trying to use our mutual passion to drive away unpleasant thoughts. His hands travel from my neck to my shoulders, and then down my arms. One hand is on my ribcage, resting just below the underside of my bra. If I shifted just a little, we’d cross the bridge from barely acceptable to public spectacle.

  We’ve never gone farther than we are right now. Sometimes I’m tempted. Not just because I’m in love with Eddie, but because I want to prove to myself that I’m not too damaged or broken. Eddie’s kisses are making me dizzy. His hands are making me not want to stop, but I know we need to. Little kids are playing just a few dozen yards away, and they could come running over to this semi-secluded area at any moment. I pull away reluctantly, immediately missing the feel of his lips on mine.

  “So, about tomorrow?” I ask. My voice sounds husky.

  “Sure,” Eddie concedes. “See if your dad might let you borrow the car. I’m not ready to ask Carlos for any favors.”

  “You don’t mind being driven around by a girl?” My fingers trace circles on his thigh just above his knee.

  “Nope. That was never what it was about. I’m not a male chauvinist or something.”

  “Then what is it?”

  “I’m afraid Coach—I mean your dad—will think I’m a useless piece of crap if you have to drive us on our dates.”

  “You’ve done all the driving so far. He won’t think that.”

  He shrugs and I can tell he doesn’t believe me.

  “I think my dad is really starting to like you. I wish your family felt the same way about me.”

  “They didn’t even get a chance to know you,” he says, enfolding my hand between his own. “Things have settled down. My sister has already asked when you’re coming back.” His adorable sister was the only one who seemed to like me. Well, his sister and Elena. “You can come over again soon just to hang out for a few. Next time, we won’t give my mom a chance to rally all the troops, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  I think he knows I’m just saying that to be agreeable. Somehow, I suspect Eddie will hold me to my vague, apathetic promise.

  ***

  It’s almost midnight Friday night, and Eddie calls just as I’m getting ready to go to bed.

  “How would you feel about babysitting tomorrow?” Eddie asks.

  “Hmm. Aren’t you old enough not to need a babysitter?” I joke.

  “Very funny. Seriously, though. Elena asked me to babysit tomorrow afternoon and she thought it might be a good idea for you to come with me.”

  “Really? Does Carlos know about this?”

  “If he doesn’t already, he will. Elena will tell him. She likes you. She’s trying to find a way to get me and Carlos on good terms again, and for him to get to know you.”

  I wasn’t sure I really wanted to get to know Carlos, but I did like Elena and her idea was a good one. It was worth a try.

  “Sure. Definitely.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, really. You sound surprised.”

  “Well, after what happened…”

  “I want to get along with your family. Even Carlos. I want them all to like me. It’s important to me.”

  “I love you. You know that, right?”

  “You might have mentioned it a time or two,” I reply, smiling into the phone.

  “See you tomorrow, Row.”

  “Bye.”

  Babysitting. My stomach flips over at the thought of facing Carlos again, but if I’m going to continue to date Eddie, I have to find some way to get along with his family. If I can get Carlos on my side, everything else should be easy.

  ***

  “Okay, the kids are down for a nap. Alex will probably wake up any minute. You can give him a juice box and a couple of cookies. He’s got coloring books over here.” Elena points to a royal blue, durable plastic desk in the corner of their small, but neat living room. There’s a waist high, identically colored plastic bookshelf stocked with coloring books, picture books, and a few small toys. “Jess will probably sleep for another hour. Bottles are in the fridge. And she’ll need to have her diaper changed.”

  Elena seems totally organized, but relaxed. Carlos looks at me skeptically. “Have you babysat before?”

  “Of course. A million times. Plus I volunteer at the daycare at church. Two adults for two kids? This is easy.”

  “Okay. Just checking,” he says when Elena gives him a stern look.

  “Eddie’s got our cell numbers, but I wrote them and stuck them on the fridge just in case. We’ll be back in two hours, three tops,” Elena says.

  “Don’t worry. And have fun,” Eddie says, shooing them out the door. He grabs the remote control from the glass end table and sits back on the chocolate leather sofa, gesturing for me to join him. A loud infomercial bursts from the television the moment he turns it on, and he frantically decreases the volume. We sit in silence for a moment, expecting Alex to awaken, but no sound comes from the direction of the bedroom.

  “What do you want to watch?” Eddie asks, flipping from one channel to the next.

  “I don’t care.”

  “We don’t have to watch anything. We could do this instead…” He reaches for me, his lips meeting mine. My body relaxes as Eddie’s lips worship mine. His hands begin to wander, teasing the hem of my tank top, moving it just enough to insert his fingertips underneath. I suck in a deep breath when his fingers skim the sensitive flesh just beneath my belly button. The intimacy of his touch causes a deep yearning to catch flame. I want Eddie. I want this so much. We’re both breathing heavily. I have one hand on his hard muscled chest, the other on his bare bicep. His skin is smooth and ripples with strength every time he moves. I want to feel all of him.

  A cry erupts from the back of
the house, a reminder that we have a job to do and this is not the time or place for messing around. Eddie and I break apart. Our gazes meet. He looks at me with lust in his eyes. When he stands, I can see the evidence of his desire for me, and I blush and look away.

  “Should I get her?” I ask.

  “I’d better do it. I doubt she remembers you from the barbeque,” he replies.

  As he disappears into the bedroom, he’s speaking in Spanish, so I’m not sure what he’s saying, but his words sound soothing. Jess’ cries have awakened Alex, and by the time Eddie re-emerges with Jess in his arms, Alex is right behind him, dragging a teddy bear and rubbing his eyes. Both children stare at me.

  It takes a few minutes for the kids to warm up to me, but once they do, they won’t leave me alone for a second. Alex is stuck to my side like glue, demanding constant attention, while Jess reaches her tiny arms out to me, insisting on sitting on my lap while I work puzzles with her brother.

  The afternoon goes quickly and before long, it’s dinner time. Eddie makes macaroni-and-cheese and hot dogs. When Elena calls to check on the kids, Eddie insists they can stay out as long as they’d like. “We got it under control. The kids love Rowan. Stay at the reception. We’re fine. We got this.”

  Bedtime is rough. Jess won’t settle down and Alex insists that I read him story after story. After an hour, they both fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion. At this point, I’m almost as tired as the kids.

  Eddie and I snuggle together on the sofa, watching a movie. When his hands begin to wander, I push him away. I don’t want to jeopardize Carlos’ and Elena’s trust in us by being caught making out in their living room. Eddie finally gives up and pulls me close to his chest. I relax into him and my eyes flicker shut.

  I awaken abruptly. An iron grip squeezes my upper arms. I struggle and fight until I slowly realize where I am and who is holding me. Embarrassed by my bizarre behavior, I try to fake a smile as I stare into Eddie’s concerned face.

  “Rowan?”

  “I’m fine. Nightmare.” I shrug, hoping I hadn’t cried out in my sleep or said anything incriminating.

  “What were you dreaming about?” His expression is still concerned, but there’s anger there too.

  “Um, you know. The play. I, uh, dreamed that I was on stage in front of everyone wearing only my underwear. I…”

  “Don’t lie to me.”

  “I’m not…”

  “You were totally freaking out, saying ‘Mark, stop. Don’t. Please. Stop it.’ That doesn’t sound like you were dreaming about the play. What the fuck did Mark do to you?”

  “Nothing. I swear. I don’t even remember what my nightmare was about. Something about the play and—I don’t know.” I look away from Eddie’s troubled expression, stammering and searching my brain for a plausible explanation. My face burns with humiliation and fear. Fear of discovery. Fear of Eddie’s anger. Fear from the lingering nightmare that still skitters along the edges of my consciousness.

  “Bullshit. What did he do to you?” Eddie’s rage is suppressed, but barely. “When I get my hands on him…”

  “No! Don’t you dare. It was nothing. He did nothing. Eddie, promise me you won’t say anything to Mark.”

  “I should have known. The fear, the way you change the subject every time someone mentions his name, the way you go out of your way to avoid him.”

  “Okay, yeah. Everyone does that when there’s a breakup.”

  “He said something once. When you first broke up. Now it makes sense.”

  My heart thuds in my chest. “What did he say?”

  “He’s dead. Dead.” Eddie’s jaw is clenched. His hands are still clutching my shoulders and his grip has tightened painfully. A tiny cry erupts from down the hallway and Eddie releases his grip on me.

  We’re both silent, listening. Silence. Eddie’s gaze returns to my face. Pity has replaced some of the rage. He touches the side of my face, and I flinch slightly.

  “Please,” I urge. “Don’t say anything to Mark. I swear. Whatever happened between us was nothing.”

  “Okay, Rowan. Don’t worry. I won’t say anything.”

  I can tell Eddie doesn’t believe me, but for now, he’s willing to let the subject go. My stomach is squirming with anxiety, and my fingernails are digging into my thighs. I want to leave. I need to be alone. I can’t talk about my past with Eddie, and I don’t know how I’ll ever face him again.

  Before I can think of an excuse for leaving him to babysit alone, keys rattle outside the front door. Elena and Carlos step inside. I never thought in a million years I’d be relieved to see Carlos, but right now I’m so happy to see him, I could almost hug him. Eddie and I linger for a few minutes, filling Elena and Carlos in on everything the kids did or ate while they were away. They thank us profusely, and after several more moments of gushing gratitude, they finally allow us to leave.

  Eddie takes my hand as we walk down the dark, silent street. It takes everything in me not to yank my hand away from him. We barely speak as he walks me home. My breathing is shallow. I’m afraid he’ll try to bring up the topic of Mark. And I’m afraid he’ll see me as damaged goods and never want to speak to me again. I’m afraid he’ll confront Mark. I just want things to go back to normal, but I know in my heart that things will never be normal between us again.

  Chapter Sixteen

  On Sunday, I wait for Eddie to call me, dreading our inevitable conversation. At five, he still hasn’t called and I can barely keep my tears at bay. I call his cell phone, but it goes straight to voicemail. I consider calling his home number, but decide against it. I’ve never called his home number before. His parents might answer and it will be awkward, especially after that horrible meet-and-greet barbeque.

  I’m not expecting Eddie to stop by, but I can’t help but continue to pace by my bedroom window, looking out into the dark night. He isn’t there, of course. My silent cell phone is accusing. It reminds me of my failure. My shame.

  My phone rings at eight and I accidentally drop it when I try to answer. Disappointment washes over me when I see Morgan’s name flash across the screen. For a moment, I contemplate not answering, but I decide if I don’t talk to someone, I’ll lose my mind.

  “Hi, Morgan.”

  “Are you okay?” Her voice sounds weird.

  “Um, yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” Crap. Did Eddie say something to Morgan? If she knows, so does everyone else.

  “Just, um. What are you doing?”

  “Nothing…”

  “You don’t know?”

  “Know what?”

  “Are you sitting down?”

  “Why? What’s going on?”

  “Seriously. If you’re not sitting down, you need to. If you’re with your parents, excuse yourself and go to your room. Now.”

  Something in her voice causes me to freeze. I sink heavily to my bed, knowing this isn’t just Morgan being melodramatic.

  “Eddie got arrested,” Morgan blurts. “He’s been in jail since last night.”

  A million different emotions rip through me. Relief that the reason he hasn’t called is because he’s in jail, not because he just doesn’t want to talk to me. Concern—what the hell did he do to land himself in jail? Fear that the reason Eddie has been arrested is because he did something to Mark. And shame that Eddie guessed correctly and he knows my secret.

  “Row?”

  “Yeah. Oh my God.”

  “So you didn’t know?”

  “No. I mean, Eddie hasn’t called me today and he isn’t answering his phone, so I was getting worried. Wait. How did you find out?”

  “From everyone. Like, literally everyone. Apparently, there was a huge party last night. Eddie wasn’t invited. He crashed it. Started a fight with Mark. They both got arrested, but you know how it is for Mark. His dad posted bail this morning. I don’t know about Eddie. From what I’ve heard, he’s still there, but who knows?”

  “Oh my God. Seriously?” I stammer and stutter, unable to articulat
e a coherent sentence. Eddie and Mark. Eddie confronted him. What did he say? And who heard it? Did everyone know?

  On the verge of a complete panic attack, I lean over, holding my head in my hands. The phone is pressed against my ear painfully and I’m sucking in deep breaths.

  “Row? Row? Are you okay? Of course you’re not okay. I’m coming over.”

  I’m too freaked out to argue. Too upset to remind her it’s after eight and my parents will wonder why she’s there so late.

  Several minutes later, I hear a car door slam outside. A knock on the front door. Morgan’s voice in the hallway and my parents’ concerned responses. Footsteps in the hallway. The doorknob turning. I don’t realize I’m crying until Morgan pulls me into a hug.

  “It’s okay, Row. It’s going to be okay.”

  I’m crying too hard to explain that things are never going to be okay. Eddie knows my biggest secret and soon everyone else will too. Morgan. All our friends. My parents.

  I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t…

  ***

  Morgan convinces my parents to let her spend the night. She’s woven a tale about a breakup with her boyfriend or some other such nonsense, deflecting the attention from me. My parents have no idea I’m on the edge of a complete breakdown. They have no idea about Eddie, but by tomorrow morning, my dad will know everything. Gossip spreads fast and the teachers are always in the loop.

  Dad holds to the belief that everyone makes mistakes and deserves a second chance, but I don’t think he’ll be so forgiving this time around. He’ll forbid me to see Eddie as long as I’m living under his roof. Assuming Eddie ever wants to see me again.

  I don’t know what’s going on in Eddie’s mind because I haven’t talked to him. As far as I know, Eddie is still in jail. Morgan makes phone calls while I sit numbly on my bed. Bail is five-thousand dollars, cash only bond. I don’t have that much money. Maybe half of it in savings. And there’s no way to get it out of the bank until tomorrow. Morgan says she’ll give me the rest, but I don’t want her to do that because I don’t know when I could pay it back.

  My phone rings. Eddie’s number pops up on the screen, and suddenly, all the talk about bail money becomes irrelevant.