Onyx & Starr 4: A Forever Kind of Love

by Lady Lissa

  My first class starts in twenty minutes. I’m running around, rushing to get dressed and ready to get to class when I get a text message. I don’t have time to check it because I’m already running late. I grab my backpack and rush out the door. I climb in my car and hurry to get to class. I walk in without a minute to spare. Thank God I don’t have to see Mandy today. Looking at her in class yesterday, I could tell she had something on her mind. I know that she’s up to something, but I will just let her be for now. I laid some heavy shit on her when I told her I didn’t love her.

  I really didn’t set out to hurt her feelings that day. I just wanted to be honest with her so she could leave me and Starr the hell alone. I felt she should know how I feel and that would free her to move on with her life. If she knows that what Starr and I have is real, then she can find someone who will love her like I love Starr.

  As I’m sitting in class, my phone vibrates for a split second. I figure it must be a text message. It will have to wait until after class because this professor will take points off if she catches you with your phone out during class. I never take my phone out in her class because she don’t play one darn bit. If you have an A plus, by the time she’s done, you will have an A minus. That’s just how she is and I respect that.

  When class is over, I make my way out of the building so I can check my phone. I have over twenty missed calls from Starr and a few text messages. What could be so important? I hope everything is okay with her and the baby. As it turns out, the baby is the least of my concern. The messages that I am reading from Starr are confusing as hell. When we spoke yesterday, everything was fine. Now, she’s pissed at me and I don’t know what for. Her messages read like this:

  7:30 A.M. Starr: I guess u had so much fun last night, u forgot u had a girl huh?

  7:50 A.M. Starr: I cannot believe u would do me this way after I defended n loved u so much…please tell me what I did to deserve this…did u forget we’re having a baby???

  What is she talking about? I am confused as fuck. I wanna call her but I know that she’s in class and I need to get to my next class. Her other two messages read like this:

  8:40 A.M. I never want to hear from u again????

  10:00 A.M. If u wanted to break up, u should have said so…

  I don’t know why she is texting me these messages. I don’t wanna break up. I never told her that because that’s not what I want. I love Starr and nothing or no one could ever make me feel a different way. The fact that we’re having a baby just makes me love her more. I shoot her a message before heading to my next class.

  Me: I love u Starr…y r u talking like that…I never said I wanted to break up b/c I don’t

  She messages me right back…

  Starr: Stop lying!!! U should have been honest…if u were scared about the baby, we could have talked it over…u didn’t have to do what u did…I will never forgive u for hurting me like this…

  Me: What r u talking about…I didn’t do anything…

  Starr: If u r going to keep lying to me, I’m done with this conversation…I am going to block ur lying ass from my phone b/c I never wanna hear from u again…

  What? She can’t be serious! What the hell did I do? Why is she acting this way towards me? I have to find out what is going on.

  I hit her up with another text, hoping that she will respond to it and she’s not serious about blocking my number from her phone.

  Me: Starr, please tell me what I did…I love u…I didn’t do anything…

  I wait a few minutes but she doesn’t message me back. I send her a couple of more texts before trying to call her. The text messages go unanswered and the phone call just clicks. What the fuck is going on here?

  I try calling again, twice but all I got were two clicks; no voicemail or anything. I guess she really did block me. There’s nothing left for me to do except take my ass to class. I usually sit towards the middle of the class, but not today. Today I choose to sit towards the back of the room. I need some space to figure out what’s going on. I didn’t do anything to deserve the treatment that I’m getting from Starr. When we spoke yesterday, everything was all good. I went to work, got sick and passed out. What happened between the time we hung up and this morning that I don’t know about?

  I’m sitting in class, barely paying attention because I’m worried about Starr and her sudden outburst. This shit is driving me crazy. What is it with women? They get pissed and feel they are in the right to feel that way, but they don’t tell you what you’ve done to piss them off. I don’t have a clue what I did to deserve what’s going on between us. I’ve never been more confused in my life.

  As I leave class, my mind is still trying to figure out what could have gone wrong. I remember being at work yesterday; that part is clear. I remember feeling groggy and sick on the ride back to the dormitory. I was so sick, to be honest, I don’t know how I managed to make it to the dorm safely. I remember barely being able to walk as I made my way in the elevator. But, that’s where my mind gets fuzzy.

  I don’t remember anything else after that. I don’t even remember getting undressed, yet this morning, I woke up as naked as the day I was born. Why the hell can’t I remember what happened last night? It’s not like I got drunk or anything. The only thing I had to drink that entire afternoon was water.

  Water doesn’t make you sick, right? I mean, it’s not like I’m in Flint, Michigan where those poor people are having issues with their water. I’m right here in ATL and as far as I know, we have no issues with the water filtration system. And even if they did, I always got my water straight from the bottles. Those are supposed to be safe. I don’t know, but I need to solve this damn mystery and find out what has pissed Starr off.

  It’s not even the fact that she’s pissed that has me feeling all fucked up. The reason I feel like crap is because she’s pregnant and she thinks I did something to hurt her. I would never do anything to hurt Starr. I would lay my life on the line if it meant she would be okay. Just knowing that she’s back home, crying over me has my heart aching. I’ve never cried before, for anyone, but the tears are slowly sliding down my face now. Starr and our baby mean everything to me. I have to find out what’s going on.

  Luckily for me, this weekend is my weekend to go home. I need to get to the bottom of this.

  CHAPTER 11

  Starr

  When I woke up this morning, there was the little green light flashing on my phone. It was a text message and I just knew that it was from Onyx. I was super excited because we hadn’t spoken to each other before we went to sleep last night. That was the first time that happened and I didn’t like it one bit. I couldn’t figure out why he hadn’t called me because that’s something we did every single night since we started dating.

  I called him several times but got no answer. That was also strange because unless he was in class or at work, Onyx always answers my calls. Last night, all my calls went to voicemail. So, when I saw the little green light blinking, I just knew it was a text message from my man. I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and slid my finger across the screen to unlock it, anxious to read what I’m sure was an apology message.

  It wasn’t Onyx’s number on the screen though and I didn’t recognize the number that sent me the text messages. Maybe it was a wrong number or something. I opened the first message to make sure it was meant for me. What I saw when I opened that phone instantly brought tears to my eyes. Why would Onyx do this? I thought he was happy and excited about us having a baby.

  Maybe I’m not seeing the correct images on these pictures. I climb out of bed and head to the bathroom. As I relieve myself, I try not to get too upset about those pictures. I rub my hand over my small baby bump and try to remember how much Onyx loves me. I walk over to the sink and brush my teeth before grabbing a towel to clean my face. Now, I’m all freshened up so I can look at the pictures with a fresh set of eyes.

  I grab my phone again, take a deep breath and reopen the text messages. The images are still
the same as they were a couple of minutes ago. Tears are now flooding my eyes as I try to call Onyx again and again and again, but to no avail. He doesn’t answer and that’s extremely odd for him because every morning, I wake up and the first thing I do is call him. No matter what he’s doing, he always answers. That is just how our typical day starts. I hit him up every single morning on my way to class. What the hell is going on?

  After trying to reach him by calling for fifteen minutes, I decide to send Onyx a text message:

  Me: I guess u had so much fun last night, u forgot u had a girl huh?

  I wait a few minutes for him to respond, but he doesn’t. I look at the time and decide that I don’t feel good enough to go to school today. My mom already left for work so I’ll get no objections from her ass. This is not the morning for the two of us to have a confrontation because it would not be a good one.

  Twenty minutes go by and still no response, so I send him another text:

  Me: I cannot believe u would do me this way after I defended n loved u so much…please tell me what I did to deserve this…did u forget we’re having a baby???

  I am waiting patiently for a response from him, but I get none. I don’t get a response. I think an hour went by and still no response, so I send yet another text:

  Me: I never want to hear from u again????

  I lie in bed, rubbing my belly and waiting for a message from Onyx. I know he doesn’t have his first class until 9:30 or something like that, so why isn’t he answering me? Is he that disgusted with my fat ass that he doesn’t even want to explain himself to me? I look at the other messages again and a sudden urge to throw up hits me. I drop the phone and take off running to the bathroom, just in time to throw up everything I ate last night.

  Why is this happening to me? My heart is on fire, that’s how much it is hurting right now. How could Onyx do this to me, to us? He seemed so happy when he found out that I was pregnant. When I made the decision to get pregnant, I knew I was taking a chance because we are so young. But, I thought our love for each other would last forever and that this baby would let anyone who thought they could break us up know that it wasn’t going to happen.

  I am not sorry that I’m pregnant. I would never regret this baby because he or she was conceived out of love. I just never thought that I would be going through this at four and a half months along. What was Onyx thinking? Was he drunk or something? I look at the time on the bedside clock and see that it’s almost ten in the morning. I haven’t heard from him yet, so I’m going to send him another text…

  Me: If u wanted to break up, u should have said so…

  And this is the truth. If he didn’t want to be with me anymore, he should have just told me that. Of course I would have been hurt, but I wouldn’t be feeling the way I am right now. I am devastated because he handled it in a way I can’t understand. Why would he do this? We talk about everything, so if he was feeling some kind of way, he could have told me.

  Oh God, why does this hurt so bad? I wonder if I would hurt this bad if I weren’t having his baby. I guess I’ll never know because I am having his baby. I rub my hands over my belly again, vowing to protect our child from anything that may hurt him or her.

  “Don’t worry baby. Mommy will protect and love you. You are my number one concern and priority and I love you so much,” I say to my belly, hoping that my little baby can hear me.

  It is almost 10:30 and I still haven’t heard from Onyx, so now I’m mad. He doesn’t give a shit about me if I’m over here crying my eyes out and he doesn’t care enough to text me back. What the hell has happened to the love in our relationship that was once so strong?

  Finally around 10:50, he messages me back:

  Onyx: I love u Starr…y r u talking like that…I never said I wanted to break up b/c I don’t

  Bullshit! If he loved me, he wouldn’t have let this shit happen and he wouldn’t have been ignoring me. How the hell can he say he loves me after what he did? That’s not love. I message his slimy ass right back:

  Me: Stop lying!!! U should have been honest…if u were scared about the baby, we could have talked it over…u didn’t have to do what u did…I will never forgive u for hurting me like this…

  I wait for his response and it comes right back too:

  Onyx: What r u talking about…I didn’t do anything…

  More lies and bullshit! Why won’t he just be honest and tell me the damn truth? All this lying is not like him. As long as Onyx and I have known each other, we have never lied to one another, so this is a new side of him. I guess my mom was right when she said he was going to leave me for some college chick. That was her main reason for not wanting us to have a baby so young. She and I had a long conversation that night I got back from hanging with my sister.

  She said that she wished I had waited until I graduated from college to make a decision like this because it could alter my life. She asked what I would do if Onyx decided to leave me for some college chick. I told her that would never happen because the love that Onyx and I share runs real deep and he would never hurt me. This was just last night that she and I had this conversation.

  We talked for a long time and by the time we walked away and said good night, we were in a good place. She was ready to attend doctor’s appointments with me and apologize to Onyx because it was something that would make me happy. Now, things have gone from bad to worse because Onyx couldn’t just be honest with me. I finally decide to answer his text:

  Me: If u r going to keep lying to me, I’m done with this conversation…I am going to block ur lying ass from my phone b/c I never wanna hear from u again…

  That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I love this man with all my heart, so telling him that I never want to hear from him again is my own little white lie. I wish he would rush over here, take me in his arms and tell me that it was all a lie. I wish he would tell me that it was all a misunderstanding and he never slept with that girl. I just want him to tell me that this was a lie and he never meant to hurt me. But that would be a lie because my eyes saw what they saw and it’s real.

  I quickly go to my caller ID app that blocks calls and texts from coming through. I also block the number that sent me those foul pictures this morning, but not before locking those pictures in. If Onyx does find his way here, begging for forgiveness, I am going to throw this in his face so he can see why we will never be a couple again.

  Oh God, please take away this pain in my heart. I promise that I will be a good girl and listen to my parents from now on. Just please, take the pain away.

  CHAPTER 12

  Lucy

  I absolutely love being on campus and doing my own thing. I have been praying a lot lately so I can forgive Gregory for what he did to me. I’ve also been attending counseling sessions and they have been helping me a lot. My counselor says that before I can forgive someone else, I have to be able to forgive myself. At first, I didn’t understand what she was talking about. But our last session really opened my eyes.

  Gaby, my counselor was speaking to me concerning my feelings and issues. Up until this moment, I haven’t really been listening. I mean, I have been listening but not fully.

  “What were you feeling when you decided to go over to your lover’s house to confront his wife about the two of you?” she asked.

  “What do you mean?” I asked her.

  “I mean, were you confused, angry, were you trying to destroy his marriage so he could be with you? What were you feeling?” she repeated the question.

  “I felt angry. He and I dated for two years and I thought that I was the only woman in his life. When he told me that he had a wife and kids, I wanted to kill him. How could I have been so dumb? How could I not have known that he was leading a double life?”

  “And that’s something you need to work on. You have a 3.8 grade point average so that makes you a very smart young woman. What you need to do is forgive yourself,” she said, which confused the hell out of me.

&nbs
p; “What do you mean forgive myself? I haven’t done anything wrong to need forgiveness for,” I told her.

  “But you’re blaming yourself for his actions. He chose to go outside his marriage and cheat on his wife. He chose to lie to her and live that other life. You were innocent in all this. But, when you went to his house, angry and prepared to destroy his marriage, now that’s another issue.”

  “I was so hurt. I wanted him and his wife to hurt the way I did,” I said.

  “And how do you feel about that decision now?” she asked.

  “Are you kidding with that bullshit question? I feel like I’ve been vindicated but at the same time, I feel horrible. I ruined her marriage and her children’s happiness. I acted on my anger and all that got me was a sore vagina from being raped,” I said as tears slid down my cheeks. I didn’t even realize I was crying until a tear fell on the back of my hand. I quickly wiped them from my eyes.

  “You do know that it’s good to cry, right? You don’t have to wipe those tears away. You can feel free to cry, scream or yell as much as you want in here. You don’t have to be ashamed of your feelings here,” she said.

  She handed me a box of tissue and I allowed the floodgates to open. I didn’t realize I had so much frustration in me. I began to cry as I’ve never cried before. I continued to cry as Gaby advised me on what to do next.

  “You have to forgive yourself because this was not your fault. None of this was your fault. Everything that happened was Gregory’s fault. Now, the issue with his wife and you showing up at their house, that was done out of hurt because he lied to you. I don’t think you were being malicious when you showed up at their house because you were acting on your emotions. You have to forgive yourself and put that part of your life behind you. Once you’re able to do that, you will be able to enjoy your life more and you will be so surprised how brighter your outlook on the world will become. Just give yourself a chance,” she said.