Mia Like Crazy

by Cordoba, Nina

  I was dumbstruck. On one hand, I was thrilled to learn the man I loved wasn’t a rapist and I wasn’t crazy to have felt that way all along. On the other, I wondered how he could let himself be branded in such a terrible way and never speak up about it, not even to me.

  The doctor interrupted my thoughts. “Mia, I believe I know what you’re thinking, but in Drew’s heart, he deserves the scorn of the world, even if they have the wrong reason. His father convinced him he was unworthy, unattractive, unlovable. This way, at least people stay away from him, and he doesn’t have to try to interact, compete, or relate in any normal way. He avoids the possibility of being hurt again.”

  “But he brought me into his house. He cooks for me, wants to spend time with me, spends money on me…” I wondered out loud.

  “And I think therein lies the answer to your other question. Knowing everything you know about Drew, do you really think he would do these things if he didn’t love you?”

  “In that case, there’s one more thing I need to ask you about. It’s kind of humiliating and personal, but I guess you hear everything.” My eyes dropped to the tissue in my hand. “He’s barely touched me since we’ve known each other. We’ve never—”

  “I know,” Valerie interrupted, saving me from having to complete the sentence.

  “Why?” I asked. “What does he say about it?”

  “I’m afraid we don’t have an answer to that one yet. He was finally able to bring it up to me in his last session.” Valerie looked genuinely sorry she couldn’t help me more. “I know he desperately wants to be close to you, though.”

  I was out of questions and had an awful lot to think about. In a daze, I stood and thanked the doctor for taking the time to see me. Valerie followed me to the door.

  As I reached for the doorknob the doctor said, “Mia, for the first several months Drew came to me, he answered every attempt I made to get through to him with a rude, sarcastic comment. Then, one day, he walked in and started talking. I hated to tell him when his time was up, afraid it might never happen again, but he’s been talking ever since. That was about four months ago.”

  “I came here four months ago,” I said.

  “I know.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  I had a lot to think about on my cab ride home. I now knew things about Drew that Meridith didn’t even know. My emotions were all over the place as I played the conversation with the doctor over and over in my head.

  Drew wasn’t the young man who raped a girl ten years ago. He was the one who couldn’t go through with it. He was a gentle child, but it may have been beaten out of him. He probably loved me, but who knew if he could ever show me that love in a normal way. My head was swimming.

  When I was only a few blocks from the apartment, I realized I would have to face him, knowing secrets he’d hidden away from the world for a decade. If I hadn’t blackmailed him into it, would he ever have told me?

  I tried to formulate a plan of action. Should I take the cue from Drew and Meridith and pretend nothing happened? That really wasn’t my style. Should I take the bull by the horns, immediately, and discuss everything I’d learned with him?

  When the cab pulled up to the front door of the apartment building, I still wasn’t sure what I would do.

  I had barely made it inside, when I was accosted by Drew. “You need to start getting ready because Meridith wants us at some stuffy shindig tonight.”

  Did he actually use the word “shindig”?

  “You’re going to a party?”

  “I know. Crazy, huh? It’s some charity thing. Meri’s getting an award and she wants some family there.”

  I had a sneaking suspicion Meridith might have cooked this up to take some of the awkwardness out of this evening. After all, she must have known about the party before today and our presence hadn’t been required. Regardless, it would be a relief to have a chance to let my new-found knowledge sink in before I had to deal with it.

  “Oh, yeah,” he said. “It’s a formal thing and Meridith didn’t think you had anything here to wear, so she had a dress shop send some stuff over for you to pick from.”

  I thought fast. “Well, if you want me to go, you’ll have to come help me decide on the dress. Meridith has exquisite taste, and I’ll never get to the party if I have to choose alone.”

  He appeared surprised his opinion could be helpful in this situation, but he didn’t seem to want to deny me anything after his behavior the night before.

  We went up to my room and I gasped at the dazzling array of dresses. I knew these were not random choices sent over by the dress shop. Meridith had somehow chosen them or, at least, described what she wanted, because each one was of my personal taste. “They’re stunning,” I whispered.

  “Yeah, I think you should keep all of them.”

  “Drew, there are eight designer dresses here. They may cost thousands each, for all I know. Besides, how many formal occasions are you planning to take me to?”

  He smiled. Maybe he was happy to hear me referring to a possible future together. “You could wear them around the house. Meri can afford it.”

  I laughed at the idea of traipsing around the house in evening gowns. I looked them over carefully and narrowed the eight down to three. “Okay, I’ll put them on and you can tell me what you think.”

  Drew’s eyes widened in surprise when I began peeling off my blouse, quickly followed by my pants. I was pleased to note that he didn’t look away. I got the first dress on and asked him to zip it up for me. It took longer than it should have because of the bandages he wore across his knuckles, but that was fine with me. I wanted him to stare at my nearly naked backside as long as possible.

  The dress was a lovely strapless in iridescent ivory. It was straight across the top, with a skirt that flared out only a bit from the waist. I felt like a princess. “Oh, I love this one,” I said. “But I don’t think I have the jewelry for it.”

  “Oh, yeah,” Drew said. “Meridith sent some of her stuff over she thought would match. It’s right behind you.”

  I didn’t know how I could have missed all the beautiful things sparkling on my dresser. I didn’t even know what to call most of them, or if they were real or costume jewelry. But they were all lovely, and one pair of earrings looked as though it had been made for the dress. They were elongated and dangling and were exactly the right color. I turned around to show him.

  “What do you think?” I asked hopefully.

  “I think guys will be trying to look down your dress all night,” he replied. “You don’t want me to have to beat up any more cars at Meri’s big party.”

  I couldn’t believe he was joking about what happened the night before. “I’ll take that as ‘You look incredible Mia—I won’t be able to take my eyes off you,’” I said sarcastically.

  “See, if you’d translate like that all the time, everything would be great.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh.

  I tried on my other two favorites. On the third zipper, Drew’s thumb accidentally grazed my back and the sensation was so delicious I involuntarily arched and gasped.

  “Sorry,” he said.

  Sorry? “It felt good, Drew.”

  After trying on all three gowns, I went back to my first choice. Drew put on the tux he wore on our wedding day. Since the cuts on his hands were less noticeable now that the excess blood was gone, he removed the bandages. He looked fabulous to me. Every time I glanced at him, I felt warm all over.

  As we stepped into a waiting limo, I chuckled inwardly at how Meridith had pulled out all the stops to ensure this evening blotted out the previous one. I wondered if Drew knew how lucky he was to have a sister who cared so much for him.

  The ride over was unusually quiet, since neither of us was ready to discuss what I’d learned from the psychiatrist. Right before we reached the front of the hotel, he turned to me and gazed into my face with an intense expression. His lips parted once, and then again, but otherwise, he was completely s
till. I became concerned he wouldn’t be able to face the crowd inside.

  “What is it, Drew?”

  He reached into my lap and took my hand, his gaze never leaving mine. “You’re…too beautiful.”

  I was surprised when his mouth covered mine in a soft kiss. The tender caress of his fingertips on my cheek made me realize how poignant intimacy could be with him. And when his tongue pressed into mine, I could imagine him inside me. I wished we could turn around and go back home.

  As the driver opened the door, Drew released my lips, and whispered in my ear, “Thanks for still being here.”

  “This is where I want to be.” I peered into his eyes to try to determine whether or not he believed me.

  He looked at me as though my words caused him physical pain. Then, he squeezed my hand so tightly I almost cried out. I hoped this was a sign he was ready to let go of some of the solitary agony he’d held on to for so long.

  “Sir?” The driver attempted to pry Drew’s attention from me. “We’re here.” Drew took a deep breath, stepped out of the car, and offered a hand to me.

  I was in high spirits as we entered the ballroom. As I suspected, there was no reason we had to be at the event that night. Meridith was getting an award, but I got the impression from the other guests that my sister-in-law won an award practically every night of the week.

  Probably, out of respect for his sister, Drew was welcomed as if his only claim to fame was being Meridith’s long lost brother. He behaved like a perfect gentleman, made small talk, and even had one man laughing hysterically at his description of something he’d seen on TV.

  The night should have been perfect, yet as it wore on, my mood spiraled downward. It started when the second person I was introduced to started asking questions about where I was from.

  I gave the generic answer “New York.” The man then began raving about Broadway and The Met and how exciting it must have been to enjoy those things as a child. He went on about how he wished he had grown up closer to the city because it was such a great cultural experience for a youngster.

  Finally noticing I wasn’t participating in the conversation, he asked, “Didn’t you enjoy growing up in a vibrant, creative environment like that?”

  “Who wouldn’t?” I replied enthusiastically, and quickly changed the subject. Similar conversations took place throughout the night about my family, the high school I attended, and so on.

  I dodged or told half-truths in answer to as many questions as I could, and on some, I flat out lied. I was made even more uncomfortable by the fact that Drew was by my side most of the night, knowing the truth, but never uttering a word to give me away.

  ~

  I found myself in a dark mood on the way home in the limo. Strange, how I’d been so focused on Drew’s emotional issues, I’d been able to block out my own, until they all came crashing back at the party.

  “Why do you lie about where you came from?” he asked, as though reading my mind.

  Me? I’d much rather be talking about what was wrong with him. “I don’t know. I’ve done it for so long…since I got out of high school,” I said. Embarrassed, I found myself staring down at my hands. “I guess, in my mind, I have this image of how the person I’m talking to grew up, then I see what my life was like. I’ve never uttered the sentence ‘I grew up in the housing projects.’ Well, I guess that was the first time.”

  I glanced up at him and he caught my gaze and held it. “You should be proud.”

  “Why would I be proud of that?”

  “Some people have bad childhoods and can’t ever get past it. Other people have good ones and still manage to waste it. You came from nothing and made yourself who you are. It’s the thing that first impressed me about you.”

  I thought about this for a while. It was then I understood Drew and I were not so different, after all. We both concealed ourselves from the world, afraid of different things, but still afraid.

  After a few moments, he was onto a new subject. “Mia, when you were with that guy, Lance, did you…you know?”

  “No. We didn’t ‘you know.’”

  “But he touched you, and—”

  “Yes. There was touching and kissing, but no ‘you know.’” I spoke in a teasing voice to hide my embarrassment.

  “Like that night we were in the car?”

  “I thought you didn’t remember.”

  “You know I do.” He was looking into my eyes and I felt his yearning, like I did that night. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and pull him on top of me.

  Suddenly, it didn’t matter so much what those people at the party had thought of me. I just needed Drew to prove to me how much he wanted me.

  But reality sunk in. He had a lot to work out before he could abandon himself to passion. We had a lot to work out.

  I opted for humor. “Well, it probably looked about the same to anyone who might have been lurking around, spying, but it wasn’t.”

  “Yeah, I guess he was a pretty good looking guy.”

  “That’s not what I meant.” I was irritated because he was making me spell it out for him. “It didn’t feel as good with Lance. When he looked at me, when he kissed me… I didn’t feel it.”

  “Feel what?” he asked innocently.

  Could he be this dense? Who can be sure with Drew? “I mean, it was just wet and uncomfortable.”

  “If you weren’t attracted to him, why’d you go out there with him?” He didn’t appear angry, this time. I got the feeling he was genuinely trying to understand.

  “He was so sweet and I was so drunk. I thought I could make myself want him.”

  “So you didn’t…?” He was back to his original question.

  “No, we didn’t.” There was a long silence. I decided to take advantage of his communicative mood.

  “Drew?”

  “Huh?”

  I placed my hand on his and wiggled my way through until our fingers were intertwined. He didn’t resist. “The night when we were in the car together. If the cops hadn’t come, would you have made love to me?”

  “I don’t know.” He seemed to be trying to answer honestly. “I wasn’t even planning to touch you at all.” He paused for so long, I thought he was finished, but he squeezed my fingers and continued. “I get these—well, the shrink calls them ‘impulses,’ like I did that night in the car. That’s why I want to stay home a lot.”

  “You mean you’re afraid of what you might do when you have these impulses?”

  “Yeah. Like, with that Lance guy. I wanted to kill him.”

  “But you didn’t,” I pointed out. “Why do you think that is?”

  He toyed with my rings for a few seconds before answering. “Well, as I was walking toward him, the thought passed through my mind that if I did, I would lose you forever, but I was so crazed already, I had to do something.”

  “Maybe that’s some sort of progress.”

  “You sound like the shrink.”

  ~

  Later the same night, in my room, I went over my conversation with Valerie again, and thought about what I’d learned from Drew. He admitted to being afraid of his impulses. Perhaps passionate impulses didn’t feel so different to him than the violent ones. He didn’t have much experience with positive touching as a child. All he could remember was his father losing control and hurting him.

  He’d told the doctor that he wanted to touch me. So, perhaps, that night in the car he was trying to control his impulses and finally lost the battle—much to my pleasure—which was followed by the cops dragging him out and abusing him, which, in Drew’s mind, could have been like a punishment for losing control.

  I looked for more evidence of my theories. I thought about his bedroom. It was immaculate. The bed was always made and his nearly identical suits were lined up like soldiers in his closet.

  The kitchen looked like no one had ever used it, and, no matter what I did with the throw and decorative pillows when I watched TV on the couch at night, by the time I came d
own the next morning, they were in precisely the same positions as before.

  In fact, the place stayed so clean, from what I could tell, all that was left for the maid to do was scrub the bathrooms and wash the towels.

  He apparently felt he and others were kept safe by carefully controlling his environment. He was afraid to lose his temper or succumb to passion of any kind. He saw his life as a house of cards that could come tumbling down with the slightest breeze. And he was afraid of becoming his father.

  The more I went over my theories, the more accurate they appeared to be, but assuming I was correct, what then?

  I had to find a way to break through Drew’s self-imposed physical and emotional exile. I couldn’t help but believe the key was in getting him to stop reigning in his desires long enough to touch me like he did that night in the car, only this time it would be behind the locked doors of our apartment.

  I reasoned that once he lost control in this way, he would realize nothing terrible was going to happen as a result of his impulses, and he could start to relax.

  Encouraged by the kiss he’d given me in the limousine—even if he had chosen a time when it couldn’t possibly be followed up by any more intimate activity—I decided I would get a good night’s sleep tonight and tomorrow I would go to whatever lengths necessary to force the issue. I climbed into bed and fell into a peaceful sleep.

  ~

  I awoke feeling fabulous. It was suppose to be chilly outside, but not terribly cold, so, after I showered, I dressed in my lavender, velvet jogging suit. I put my hair in a high ponytail and checked myself from all angles.

  The pants hugged my bottom and the jacket was cut slim and short, but since it was a jogging suit instead of a strapless dress, a man could be fooled into thinking it was accidentally sexy—especially a clueless man like Drew.

  During breakfast, I asked him to go for a walk in the park and was thrilled when he quickly agreed. When he finished eating, he went upstairs and put on the white t-shirt, black jogging pants and hooded sweat-jacket I had bought for him. He looked more relaxed already.