Starship Titanic

by Terry Jones

  'I don't know,' replied Dan. 'Do we?'

  'Of course we do!' cried Lucy. 'We're going to set up the hotel and run it together and have children.

  'No we aren't,' said Dan. 'We can't get back to Earth and even if we could, the hotel's a pile of rubble!'

  'But we've got the money from Top Ten Travel!' 'But that doesn't mean we love each other!' 'But we do! We've been together all this time!' Dan stared gloomily at the piece of snork crackling in his hand. Finally he looked at Lucy and said: 'Here comes Nettie.'

  Nettie had been looking for Lucy and Dan all over the garden. 'May I join the funeral?' she said.

  Dan nodded and Nettie sat down on the other side of him. Lucy took her hand away from Dan's.

  'So,' Nettie began. 'I suppose this is going to be home from now on.'

  'You look as if you've made yourself pretty much at home already,' remarked Lucy, who was still wearing her Earth clothes.

  'I thought I might as well start getting into the role,' laughed Nettie.

  'That is so sensible,' said Dan, to Lucy's intense annoyance.

  'Look I don't want to break you two up...' said Nettie, even more to Lucy's intense annoyance. 'but I've got something to tell you... Something I think you ought to know...'

  Nettie didn't quite know where to begin. 'It's about the rectory... your hotel...' she said.

  'It's sad to think we'll never be able to run it after all, Nettie,' Dan sighed into his wine.

  'You were never going to be able to run it,' replied Nettie.

  'What d'you mean?' Lucy was immediately on the defensive. What was Nettie implying? That they were incompetent or something?

  'I don't know whether I should tell you this now... maybe it's pointless... But on the other hand maybe it'll make you feel better...'

  'What?' demanded Lucy. She had stood up and folded her arms, in her best courtroom 'How do you dare propose that?' posture.

  'Well...' said Nettie, 'Nigel was a shit - we all know that...'

  'He was my best friend!' exclaimed Dan.

  'Yes... sure...' replied Nettie. 'But he was a shit.'

  'You certainly let him treat you like shit!' retorted Lucy.

  'That's my problem,' replied Nettie. 'I'm crazy. But that doesn't mean I'm stupid. And although Nigel never discussed any of his business with me, I can tell you he didn't sell Top Ten Travel for anything like the amount he told you he had. That's why you could never get the documentation off him. He actually sold it for peanuts. You'd never have been able to pay off the rectory - let alone set up the hotel.'

  There was a brief silence, that seemed to get up, stretch its legs and then wander off into the night.

  'Huh!' snorted Lucy eventually. 'That doesn't surprise me one little bit!'

  'Well! It sure surprises me!' exclaimed Dan. 'How d'you know this, Nettie?' He felt incredibly indignant - probably indignant at Nigel, but for the moment, he was content to be indignant with the messenger.

  'Oh...' said Nettie, 'he was so sloppy - he used to leave documents just lying around. He didn't give a shit. I guess he never bothered to talk to me enough to find out that I was bright enough to see what he was up to. I kept trying to tell you - but we never met except with Nigel in tow. It was awful; I could see you heading for disaster.'

  'That bastard!' cried Lucy, striding around beneath the oleanders. 'If we ever get back to Earth I'm going to tear his balls off!'

  'Well, that's one threat he doesn't have to worry about,' sighed Dan, his depression deepening by the second. Suddenly he felt Nettie's hand on his ann. He turned and looked directly into her eyes and felt his stomach give way. A wave of wonderful helplessness swept over him, as he felt her eyes falling into his. And yet she was saying something else. Dan couldn't make out what it was that Nettie was saying, he was so overcome with her proximity and the way her breasts showed under the translucent muslin of her Yassaccan shift. The next moment, before he regained his senses, she had rushed off in some excitement.

  Dan turned to Lucy: 'What did she just say?' he managed to ask.

  'She just said: "Wait a minute! I've got it! I've got the answer! I knew I would!' replied Lucy.

  'Oh!' said Dan.

  There was a silence. Then he added: 'I'm sorry about the hotel. I know how much it meant to you.'

  Lucy looked at him in some surprise. 'I was more worried for you. I know you'd staked everything on it.' Dan frowned and took a little swig of his wine. 'That's why I went along with it,' continued Lucy. 'I never really liked the rectory that much. I just couldn't bear for you to be disappointed.'

  Dan took another little swig of his wine. Then he did something that was so uncharacteristic that it made Lucy jump out of her skin: he threw his glass against one of the oleanders and it shattered into tiny pieces.

  'Well,' he said. 'In that case, I guess we've both been fooling ourselves and each other for a long time. I was only so keen because I thought you were.'

  Lucy was playing with one of the buttons that had come off her pinstripe power-suit during her earlier encounter with The Journalist. 'Maybe that says it all, Dan... Maybe that says it all...'

  24

  Dan found Nettie in a state of some agitation. She had just been proposed to by Captain Bolfass, Corporal Inchbewigglit, Corporal Rinfineagelbun, Corporal BukeHammadorf, his half-cousin by marriage, Buke-Willinujit, Buke-Willinujit's father, Corporal Golholiwol, the Yassaccan Prime Minister and several other Yassaccans she did not actually know, on her way across the lawn. The Prime Minister had even given her a bottle of famous Yassaccan scent. 'Only wear it for us Yassaccans, my dear,' he had said and squeezed her bottom.

  When Dan caught up with her Nettie was desperately looking for her handbag.

  'God! You don't think anyone's stolen it, do you?'

  'I believe they don't have much crime here on Yassacca,' said Dan.

  'There's been all this organized crime since the economy went down the chute,' said Nettie.

  'But organized crime isn't going to bother to steal your handbag, Nettie!' Dan was trying to be reassuring.

  'I've got to find it!' exclaimed Nettie, her eyes blazing just a few inches away from Dan's, Dan's knees suddenly relaxed their grip on the standing-up situation, and he had to sit down on the nearest tree stump.

  'Great grief! That wonderful scent you're wearing!'

  'The Prime Groper of Yassacca just gave it to me in more ways than one,' replied Nettie.

  'Nettie! I...' Dan didn't really have a clue what he wanted to say. It was as if the scent had wrapped itself around him and wouldn't let go until he told her the truth.

  'What?' Nettie was back searching a pile of clothes that various people had dumped over a bed that was standing on the veranda of Corporal Golholiwol's house.

  'Nettie I... I think... I m crazy about you!' Dan didn't know quite how it happened, but suddenly he had his arms around Nettie's waist and was kissing the back of her neck. Nettie span round.

  'Stop that!' she cried. Dan backed off. 'You're getting married to Lucy! You're going to start a hotel! You're going to have kids and all that sort of thing!'

  'Everything's changed!' said Dan. 'We can't go back to Earth. It's all different here!' And he tried to put his arms round her again. But Nettie backed away.

  'Now hold on, Romeo!' said Nettie. 'I'm not an emotional doormat for your convenience! Besides! You're going back to Earth! We're all going back to Earth - I hope - just as soon as I find my handbag!'

  'What have you got in your handbag? A Concorde ticket home? A pocket rocket?' Dan didn't doubt for a moment that Nettie had the solution if she said she had - he knew that if any one of them had the brains to get them back it would be Nettie. He worshipped her. He admired her. But why couldn't he tell her properly instead of behaving like a sex-crazed halfwit?

  'Let's just find it, shall we?' said Nettie. So Dan stopped asking questions and put his mind to looking for the handbag.

  'I'm sorry! Are you looking for this?' Corporal Golholiwol was h
olding up Nettie's handbag. Nettie grabbed it, opened it and started feverishly rummaging through it.

  Dan looked at Corporal Golholiwol. 'Nettie's got something in it that will help us get back to the Earth.' He hoped Nettie wouldn't hear how like a sex-crazed halfwit he sounded.

  'Would it be these?' Corporal Golholiwol held up a package, neatly wrapped in a broad leaf. Nettie snatched it from him, checked its contents and then looked up at the corporal.

  'What the blazes do you mean by taking things out of my handbag?' Her eyes were like miniature SD guns. Corporal Golholiwol felt himself disintegrate and splatter all over the veranda. He looked genuinely taken aback.

  'Oh dear!' he said. 'Have I done something contrary to your Earth customs? On Yassacca it is traditional for the host to go through his guests' handbags and do little repairs and mending jobs on the contents.

  'Well... It's not an Earth custom ..' said Nettie, still furious. 'But... thanks for developing the film for me. That's exactly what I was looking for.'

  'It was my pleasure,' said Corporal Golholiwol, gazing adoringly at Nettie. 'Most of the photos seem to have come out OK. I also re-electro-plated your nail scissors, restored several missing teeth to your comb, and re-silvered your little mirror.'

  'Why! Thank you so much, Corporal!' Nettie had regained her composure and was searching through the photographs that Golholiwol had developed. Then suddenly she found what she was looking for. 'Here! Look, Dan! It's the rectory! They came out! Those long exposures! Look! THEY CAME OUT!'

  Dan felt he was a bit out of his depth, but he just said, without enthusiasm: 'Oh, good! It'll be nice to have a souvenir.'

  Nettie, however, had already spun round and run off towards a group of Yassaccans who were talking gloomily over the roasting snork.

  'Rodden!' Nettie called out, and the Navigational Officer turned around. 'Rodden! I've got it! YOU CAN GET US BACK TO EARTH!' Nettie thrust two of the photographs into his hands. He took them unwillingly, not wishing to get involved in any fantasy that this attractive but dim female might have concocted.

  'Well!' cried Nettie, hardly able to contain her excitement. 'Look at them! What do you see?'

  Rodden reluctantly looked down at the photos in his hand, and studied them. 'It's a house... on Earth I assume...' he said slowly. 'A former rectory... by the look of it... with planning permission for commercial use...'

  'That's amazing!' exclaimed Nettie. 'How d'you know all that?'

  The Navigational Officer smiled smugly as he took off his translatorspecs and said: 'It's written on the estate agents' board.' He loved baffling beautiful but not too bright females.

  'Oh! Right... Anyway it's the place Dan and Lucy were going to buy before your Starship smashed into it.'

  'So?' Rodden was suddenly looking at them with increasing attention. 'How do you suppose these will help you?'

  'I took them at night!' cried Nettie excitedly. 'Look at the sky! Especially that one, there! Look!'

  A broad smile suddenly creased across Rodden's face.

  'YOU CAN SEE THE STARS!' cried Nettie.

  'My dear young woman,' said Rodden. 'You must forgive me for underestimating your...'

  'Easy-over on the flattery!' replied Nettie. 'I don't mind what you thought! The main thing is can you get any co-ordinates on those star patterns that will show where the Earth is? Are there enough stars in the shot?'

  Rodden was silent for some time. Nettie watched him anxiously, and suddenly Dan, who had joined them by this time, found Nettie's hand in his and she was squeezing it.

  Rodden stared and stared at the photo. Finally he looked up. 'Theoretically,' he said. 'Yes. It should be a simple questlon of three-dimensional geometry. There is only one place in the galaxy in which the stars will appear in that exact configuration... But I'm not sure this photo will provide enough information...'

  The Earth folks' hearts sank. The Navigational Officer was clearly trying to let them down gently. Nettie cursed herself; she had allowed her hopes to get too high. She was always doing that - especially with her men.

  'But,' the Navigational Officer was continuing. 'I think I could enhance the image - do you have the negative?'

  'It's here!' shouted Corporal Golholiwol,

  'Then let's see what we can do,' said Rodden. And with that the party suddenly started to seem more cheerful for everybody concerned.

  25

  It took two Dormillion days to run the enhanced photos of the night sky on Earth through the Great Astronomical Computer, at the University of Yassaccanda. The Computer went through fifteen trillion billion five hundred thousand million seven thousand four hundred and sixty-nine different comparisons before it finally came up with a star configuration that matched. It was on an outer spiral arm of the Galaxy in a sector that, quite frankly, had always been assumed to be uninhabitable. If Julius Caesar had been given a photograph of Australia and told its exact location on the planet, it would not have seemed so remote as did the Earth to these honest Yassaccans.

  'Alas!' said Rodden, the Navigational Officer, 'it will take a long time to reach such a distant place!'

  Nettie still had hold of Dan's hand. It seemed to Dan that she had permanently held onto his hand since that first discovery of the photos. Of course she hadn't but it was just that Dan only counted himself alive at those moments when she had. But he daren't say anything more to her: he would never use her as 'an emotional doormat' - she could be sure of that.

  'We've only four more Dormillion days before the bomb goes off!' Nettie said. 'How long will it take to get to the Earth?'

  Rodden paused before he spoke. He wanted to be exact. He didn't want to raise forlorn hopes in anyone - least of all himself Finally he said: 'To get to such a remote location would take three Dormillion weeks at best.'

  Nettie leant her head against Dan's shoulder and burst into tears. It was just too much. The thin edge of hope upon which she had been balancing for the last two days had suddenly given way. Dan put his arm around her and felt the softness of her shoulders.

  'Nettie!' he said. 'You'll be all right! You'll make a life here. Yassacca is beautiful!' As beautiful as you, he wanted to add, but dared not. Nettie, meanwhile, held onto Dan's arm as if it were her lifebelt.

  'However,' continued Rodden, 'the Starship Titanic is propelled by a totally new and immeasurably more powerful drive. Judging by the time that elapsed since the launch, the crash on Earth and the time when we picked you up, I would say the Starship must be capable of reaching the Earth in perhaps three Dormillion days.'

  Was it good news or bad news? Three Dormillion days! That would give them barely one day on Earth to find Leovinus and then, assuming he still had it in his possession, get the missing central intelligence core back into Titania's brain.

  The only thing that was certain was that they must start now.

  The first problem, however, was to find Lucy. After her last conversation with Dan, Lucy had been considering her life. She had slipped into a filmy Yassaccan shift and gone for a long walk along the beach at Yassaccanda. The red waves, beating on the blue shore, made the same reassuring sounds that the waves made back home on Topanga beach. But somehow the comfort that brought her didn't make her long for home. Something had changed inside her. Something had died. Something had grown. Lucy was just trying to decide what it was, when Nettie found her.

  'Lucy! They've got the co-ordinates of Earth! We're going home! But we've got to hurry!' Nettie had never been one to beat about the bush. 'By the way, you look great in that!'

  'Thanks... but...' Lucy was gazing out across the unfamiliar seascape. 'I'm going to stay here,' she said.

  'What on earth are you talking about?' exclaimed Nettie. 'We can go home!'

  'I don't know where my home is any more,' said Lucy. 'LA? London? Oxfordshire? I used to think it was anywhere that Dan was, but now...'

  'What's the matter between you and Dan?' Nettie was genuinely concerned for them, and had been ever since Dan's inexplicable
behaviour when she had been looking for her handbag.

  'Neither of us wanted the rectory.' Lucy turned and looked at Nettie for the first time.

  'What?' exclaimed Nettie.

  'It's as simple as that. We must have been fooling each other for years... About all sorts of things. You know I was originally in love with Nigel?' Lucy was letting the sea wash around her bare feet.

  'Till you realized what a shit he was?' asked Nettie.

  'Not quite... It was more like... How can I describe it? Nigel was English... different... exciting... He made me feel all goose-pimples inside... It was unsettling... Whereas Dan I could understand... Dan was familiar territory where I knew where I was...'

  'But Dan's gorgeous!' exclaimed Nettie. 'He's so exciting! So different from the rest of them! From creeps like Nigel!' Lucy looked at Nettie in frank surprise. 'I'm sorry!' Nettie continued. 'I shouldn't talk about Dan like that. I didn't mean anything... Anyway we've got to hurry...'

  'Hurry away... run off... I've always done that, Nettie. I've wrapped my emotions up in a nice smart pinstripe suit and then walked away from them. Well, I'm not doing it any longer.'

  'But Dan needs you, Lucy! You're a great team!'

  'That's what we kept telling each other. We told each other that over and over again until we believed it. But all I know is that I'm a different woman from the woman I've been pretending to be'

  'Lucy!'

  Lucy and Nettie span round. They hadn't heard anyone approaching.

  'Lucy! The Starship's about to take off for Earth!' It was The Journalist shouting from the breakwater. 'We've only got a few minutes to make it!'

  'We?' murmured Lucy.

  'Of course!' exclaimed The Journalist. 'You don't think I'd let you go back on your own... Not now you've said you'll marry me!'

  'But,.. The! I'll stay with you here if you want me to!' Lucy had run up to him and was kissing him.