by Melissa West
“I’m not mad. I just . . . I guess I just don’t understand. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I care about Colt. So what if he was Ethan’s roommate. Does that really matter?”
“No,” she said, and I felt my insides rejoice. God, I loved Olivia. But then she added, “It doesn’t matter, but it does complicate things.”
I turned to look at her. “Do you think I leave when things get tough? Do you think I’m that weak? That I’m the kind of person who steps back when things are hard instead of standing tall?”
Olivia reached out to take my hand. “I think you’re the bravest, most honest person I know. I just think you’re confused right now, and you have a lot going on, which makes it that much harder to see the situation—or situations—clearly.”
I thought of my Clarity candle. Clearly I needed a second one or maybe even a six-pack to clear up the fog in my life.
“Do you still have feelings for Ethan?” Olivia asked tentatively.
I drew a breath, forcing myself to think about the question before I answered. “No.”
“And you love Colt?”
It was my turn to shrug. “I feel like I do. Everything’s just so intense with him. Forget tingles. I have tripped-out butterflies going crazy inside me every time he’s around. It’s just . . . a lot. Plus, he agrees with everyone else about Maggie, and that scares me a little. What does that mean?”
“It means that he cares about you. And I care about you, which is why I have to say . . . I agree with them, too, Kar. I’m sorry. Don’t be angry. I’m sure there are girls who have abortions and never think of it again, but that isn’t you. You’ve let it eat away at you for all these years, and now you have this girl in front of you who you think you can fix. That you can somehow make your mistakes right through her. But you can’t, Kar. You can’t change your past through her.”
I opened my mouth to argue with her, to defend my sanity, but closed it back. Tori and Rose I could take. They were adults, wiser, able to see things that we couldn’t see in our youth. But Colt and Olivia saw it, too. Which made me feel like my parents were right . . . about all of it. I tried to remember when I’d veered off course, when I’d decided to become this wreck of a person, or maybe I never decided to become this way at all. It, like so many other things, just happened somehow. “I can’t leave her,” I finally said, because it was the truth. How could I leave this girl now that I was so invested in her life?
“I still remember my mom’s face when I told her I was pregnant, and I know that if I had fought her on the abortion she would have kicked me out. I would have been Maggie. How can I let her do this alone?”
Olivia pointed at me. “See that? That’s the problem. First, she isn’t doing it alone. She has her dad. And second, you’re nineteen, Kara. You can’t be the one to help her, regardless. And if she starts leaning on you too much, she won’t find the strength she needs to do this on her own. You need to step back. For her . . . and for yourself.”
I peered over at her. “But . . . what if I can’t?”
“Then I think you’re walking into a disaster.”
Chapter Twenty-three
I resigned myself to the fact that I didn’t have to make the decision today. I could think about it for a day or two. I mean, people were allowed to think sometimes. I just needed a few days to decide what to do.
Of course, logical thinking was becoming increasingly difficult with Ethan around, watching me like he knew every mistake I made and wanted to find a way to point them all out. I was glad Preston kept him away as much as possible, or else I would reach my boiling point. Charleston was my town, and while I wanted to be friends with Ethan someday, I had no desire to get back together with him. He just refused to take the hint.
I parked outside Colt’s apartment and sent him a quick text that I was there before getting out of the car and starting up to his apartment, but the sound of yelling made me stop just outside his door. I hesitated at the top of the steps, torn between leaving and staying.
“I’m your father and I pay for your half of this apartment. I will come here any damn time I like!”
Oh no. For a second, I prayed that the father was Taylor’s and not Colt’s, but then the door was flying open and Colt was there, hand on the door, screaming at his dad to leave. I took a quiet step back, and instantly Colt’s eyes flashed over to see what had moved. He blinked, taking me in, and then his gaze went back to the tall man just inside his apartment. He was a clean-cut version of Colt. All golden skin and dirty blond hair. But instead of Colt’s usual T-shirt and cargo shorts, this man was all business slacks and crisp dress shirt. Still, there was no mistaking the resemblance.
I glanced from the man to Colt. “I can just . . .” I took another step down, when Colt reached out to stop me.
“No, stay. He was going.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” his dad said. “Hello, I’m Andrew Bryan, Colt’s father.”
I glanced at Colt again. “Hi. I’m Kara, a friend of Colt’s.”
“A friend?” Mr. Bryan’s gaze fell on Colt.
“Yes, Dad, Kara’s my girlfriend. Any other questions?”
I felt a surge in my chest at the word girlfriend coming from Colt’s lips, but the tension between them had me quickly forgetting my excitement . . . and searching for an exit. I cared about Colt. I wanted to be there for him in whatever way he needed me, but this conversation shouldn’t happen in the open like this, and certainly not around me.
“As a matter of fact, yes, I have lots of other questions. Like when do you intend to come home for a visit? And why are you asking about transferring to Savannah College of Art & Design?”
I eyed Colt. Transfer? My heart kicked back up as I tried to rein in my excitement. Savannah was less than two hours away. We could see each other all the time, every weekend if we liked. Was he really thinking about transferring?
Colt glared at his dad. “I don’t intend to come home to visit, because I don’t live in Atlanta, Dad. You do. And as I mentioned in my email, Georgia’s architecture program doesn’t cover what I want to do. I tried civil engineering at your insistence. But my passion is architecture. Georgia only has landscape. That’s not what I want to do. SCAD offers bachelor’s and master’s programs in the fields I want to pursue. I’m only a year in, and my grades are good. I should be able to transfer easily.”
I wanted to ask why he couldn’t transfer here, but I wasn’t sure the College of Charleston had an architecture program, and besides, I wouldn’t let myself be that selfish. Savannah would be amazing for him and way closer than the five hours it took to get to Athens.
Mr. Bryan scratched his chin, clearly thinking. “We can discuss it over dinner. Kara, you are welcome to join us.”
“Dad—”
Mr. Bryan closed his eyes briefly, as though it took all the patience in the world to deal with his son. “Colt, I drove five hours to come see you. We are having dinner.”
Colt’s jaw clenched tight. “Fine. Then let’s get it over with. Kara, I’d like you to come if you’re free.”
I glanced down at my tank top and shorts. “Um, I’ll just go change and meet you there. Just text me the place, all right?”
Colt nodded, and I took the opportunity to get away. Hopefully they could hash out some of their issues before dinner, though by the looks on each of their faces it didn’t seem likely.
I went to my apartment and threw on a simple dress and sandals and then freshened my makeup and pulled my hair back into a low bun. I was back out the door in less than ten minutes and on my way to California Dreaming, which Colt knew was one of my favorite restaurants in the city.
I spotted Colt and his dad inside the restaurant almost immediately. The space overlooked the water, so they had chosen a booth by the windows.
“Hi,” I said as I walked up. Colt slid over to make room for me to sit beside him,
just as the waitress popped up to take my drink order.
“I’ll have sweet tea, please, no lemon.”
“Do you need a moment to look over the menu?” she asked.
I glanced at Mr. Bryan, who was ogling the waitress like he was a dog desperate for water on a hot day. “I think I need a moment to look over you,” he said to her with a smile.
The waitress, who looked younger than me, glanced down uncomfortably. “Um, I’ll just give you all a moment.”
Colt tensed beside me, and I felt the fight coming even before he said a word. “She’s probably a minor, or does age not matter to you anymore?”
Mr. Bryan held up his hands. “I was joking.”
“Yeah, well don’t,” Colt spit out. He focused on his menu, his face etched with anger, and I felt the urge to say something.
“Mr. Bryan, how long are you in town?”
He smiled at me, and Colt leaned forward, the muscles in his arms flexed like it took all his effort not to throw a punch. “Don’t look at her like that. In fact, don’t look at her at all.”
I drew a breath. I had never seen him so tense. “Colt,” I whispered. “It’s fine. Let’s just eat, okay?”
He leaned back in his seat, his eyes still on his dad as Mr. Bryan talked away about his trip and how he had to be back in Atlanta the next day to catch a flight out to L.A. The waitress returned at some point during his chat, but this time instead of flirting, he politely offered his order and waited as Colt and I did the same. I wondered if it took effort for him to be a nice guy, and if smarmy jerk was his natural state of being. I could see now why Colt hated him so much, but he was still his father, jerk or not.
I ate as quickly as possible, listening as Mr. Bryan went on and on about his business endeavors, rarely stopping for Colt or me to get a word in, which seemed to suit Colt just fine. I told Colt that I would see him later when we were leaving the restaurant, and then sent him a quick text once I was back in my car.
Feel free to come over whenever.
Colt: Thank you for coming. Sorry he’s an ass. But yeah, definitely see you soon.
***
I had just dropped my keys into the key basket in the kitchen when the telltale three knocks came from the door. I smiled and opened it. “Well that was fast.”
“I didn’t have much to say,” Colt said. “Besides, I’d much rather be here.” He kissed my cheek and neck. “Doing other things.”
“Nah-ah, fly boy,” I said, teasingly pushing him away. “You’re not using me to ignore your daddy issues.”
“I don’t have daddy issues.”
“Oh, you are the poster child for daddy issues.” I laughed, but nothing about it was funny. I had experienced Colt’s dad firsthand. He was a douche with a capital D. “Seriously though, do you want to talk about it?”
He fiddled with a stack of coasters with various types of fish on them that Preston had given us. I still couldn’t believe Olivia took them without grimacing. “Nothing to talk about.”
“Really? You’d never let me get off with that.”
Colt drew a long breath and released, reaching out his arms in a stretch. “It’s different. Your issue is in your control. Mine isn’t. My dad’s a wanker. Nothing I say to him is going to change that.”
“Maybe.”
“Maybe? You saw him. I gave him a fair go years ago. He’s never going to change.”
I nodded. “Is it just the douchy flirting that bothers you?”
He sighed heavily. “No. It’s his careless attitude. No one is more important than him. I can’t stand to be around him.”
I took a careful step closer to him and draped my arms around his neck. “But what would your mom want? Would she want you hating your dad?”
“My mum never saw him clearly.”
“Maybe.”
“What the fuck is with the maybes?”
I drew back. “Hey!”
He shook his head and pressed his forehead to mine. “I’m sorry. He just drives me mad. My mum made excuses for him all the time. I just don’t want you to do the same thing. Women always fall for his shit.”
“Oh, no, don’t misunderstand me. I think he’s a jerkface, but I know that he’s still your dad. I think that’s what your mom meant by defending him. I’m sure inside she knew exactly what he was like and probably hated him as much as you do, but she defended him for you, not for herself. She wanted you to have a relationship with your father. And be honest, separate from the womanizing and flirting, is he a good dad? I mean, he seemed to really care about you.”
“Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve only ever thought of him as the way he treated my mum.”
“Just think about it. Maybe try . . . a little.”
Colt smiled down at me. “Your heart is gold, you know that?”
“It’s not. I just care about you.”
He pressed his lips to mine, and then we were moving to my bedroom, all awareness and worry gone with each kiss. As soon as we cleared the door, our clothes were hitting the floor, passion taking over. I wanted him all over me, his lips, his skin, his smell. I wanted to fall asleep wrapped in him and wake up to the sweet sound of his breathing, so I didn’t have to think about anything else. Colt had the power to make me want for nothing other than him. I opened my mouth to tell him that I loved him, so much that it consumed me, but then his lips were back on mine, and the words were lost. I told myself it didn’t matter. We had a wealth of time to say those words. For now, I allowed his lips to sweep me away, and then he was inside me and there were no words left. Only sounds and sensations . . . and complete and utter satisfaction.
Chapter Twenty-four
I was smiling as I walked into Helping Hands, but the smile slipped away at the sight of the two people talking by the front desk—Maggie and Tori.
I forced myself to keep walking instead of running for the door like I wanted to. “Uh, hey,” I said as I approached. “How are you, Maggie?” She turned to me, her eyes red. Clearly she had been crying. “Are you okay?”
“Maggie would like to talk with you, Kara. Privately,” Tori said.
My eyebrows threaded together in confusion. “Okay. Sure.” I motioned for Maggie to follow me back to one of the session rooms. I had just closed the door when I heard her crying from behind me. I turned around. “What is it? Is it Addie?”
Her bottom lip trembled as she shook her head. “No, well yes, but she’s okay. It’s me.”
My heart clenched tight. “Please just tell me. I’m worried sick over here.”
She closed her eyes and then said in a rush, “I decided to give Addie up for adoption after all. I just can’t do this, Kara. I can’t. You’ve been so amazing. And I just . . . Well, anyway, I found a lovely family who can’t conceive and they want her. I really like them. They can give her so much that I can’t, and I know they will love her.”
I straightened, shock then anger replacing my worry. “But you said you wanted to keep her. We were just at the ultrasound appointment and you wanted her. You said you were keeping her. You love her.”
“I know, but then I talked to my dad and—”
“Your dad? Of course he would tell you to give Addie away! He doesn’t want her! You should have called me.”
Maggie looked as though she wanted to cry again, but was trying to hold herself together. “It isn’t that easy. You don’t understand. I want what’s best for Addie, and I won’t ever be able to give her the life she deserves. Don’t you think this is hard for me?” she screamed, tears rushing down her face now.
I drew a breath to try to calm myself down. “It’s okay. We can talk about it. I can help you. You don’t have to make the decision—”
Maggie wiped away the tears from her eyes. “It’s done,” she said, her voice stronger now. “I signed the paperwork this morning.”
I shook my
head, torn between arguing with her and screaming for her to leave. How could she do this? And when had she become so sure of herself? Every time I’d ever seen Maggie she looked like a lost little girl, barely old enough to drive, forget having a baby. But now, she stood in front of me as an adult who had made her decision. She didn’t come here to discuss this with me. She came to ask me to be okay with it.
My heart dropped into my stomach. “But she’s your baby . . .”
“She is. And that’s why I’m the only one who could make this decision. I love her.” Her voice began to shake, and I had a brief flicker of guilt for making Maggie feel this horrible, but then I remembered Addie on the ultrasound monitor and rage rocked through me again.
“No,” I said, glaring at her. “You love yourself.”
Maggie’s mouth fell open as tears rushed down her face. “I don’t need this. I’m doing what’s right. I don’t—”
“If you were so sure, you wouldn’t be here.”
She clenched her eyes shut and ran her hand over her stomach. “I . . .”
“Just go.”
“What?” Her gaze snapped up to mine, full of pain and sadness.
“I said go.”
Maggie opened her mouth to argue, but instead she nodded once and started for the door. “I’ll miss you, Kara.” And then she was out the door and I was on the floor, my shaky legs unable to hold me any longer, crying into my hands, another baby in my life . . . gone.
***
I knocked on Colt’s door an hour later, still unable to keep my hands from shaking. I was hurt and angry and a thousand other emotions. How could Maggie do this?
“Kara?”
I stormed in past him, talking even before he’d closed the door. “She’s giving her up.”
“What?” Colt asked as he closed the door and followed me into the common room. “Who?”
