by Melissa West
“Maggie. She’s giving Addie up.”
Realization crossed his face. “Wow, is she okay? I’m sure that wasn’t an easy decision.”
“Is she okay? Is she okay! What about me? I’ve spent all this time with her, bought her countless baby gifts, and now . . .” My voice broke as a sob burst from my lips.
“But Kara . . . surely you realize . . . this isn’t about you.”
My eyes snapped over to him. “What?”
Colt lifted his hands like he wasn’t sure how to continue. Like I was a crazy person who might explode on him at any moment. Maybe I was crazy. “This is her baby,” he said. “Her life. You’re her counselor and her friend, but this isn’t about you. It’s about her.”
I shook my head. “No. She told me she was keeping the baby and I bought her baby gifts and I helped her start her baby book and I went to the ultrasound appointment and I—I love this baby. I love her. She can’t just give her away.”
“Oh Kara . . .” Colt started for me, his arms out, but I was already backing away.
“No. Don’t ‘Oh Kara’ me like I’m some kind of lunatic.”
He stared at me, and I could tell by his look, so full of pity, that he had no idea what to say to me next, because to him, I’d stepped off the cliff. I was gone. I couldn’t take that look. Not from him. I hadn’t told anyone how hurt I was over the abortion. Only Colt. He knew my ins and outs. He couldn’t judge me now, not when I needed him to see me through all this. But I could tell by his expression that he wasn’t seeing me, not this time. For the first time, he didn’t understand at all.
“You’re hurt,” he said. “I get that. But I think you should take a moment and talk to Maggie about her reasons for the decision.”
“I told her to leave.”
“You what?” The anger in his voice made me look up, and I knew with that single look that I’d done one of the meanest things imaginable—I sent away a young, scared pregnant girl.
“I told her to go,” I repeated, unwilling to admit that I had done anything wrong. “There was nothing left to say.”
“Pig’s ass!” This time when he started for me his face was full of rage. “She is nearly nine months pregnant and you sent her away? All because you were hoping if she kept her baby you would feel a little less guilty that you didn’t fight to keep yours? Are you really that selfish? She’s a sixteen-year-old girl!”
“You don’t understand. You don’t know.”
“Oh, I think I understand plenty. I just don’t think I truly knew you. The Kara I knew would never send someone away when that person needed her the most.”
Angry tears streamed down my face. “Well, maybe you didn’t know me then. And maybe I didn’t really know you.”
His jaw ticked. “Right. Go ahead and shut everyone out. Maggie, now me. Who else? Should I call Olivia and Preston to warn them?”
“Screw you,” I called over my shoulder as I made my way out the door and down the steps before he could stop me. Unrelenting tears clouded my vision, and Colt’s voice drifted somewhere in the distance, calling my name, begging me to come back.
But there was no going back. I’d fallen over the edge.
All I could hear in my mind was Ethan’s voice at my apartment, telling me that I would leave Colt, too. At the time, I was angry at his assumption, but now, I knew that he was right. If only I could click rewind.
Chapter Twenty-five
Three weeks passed with no Maggie and no Tori . . . and no Colt. Tori had forced me to take a few weeks off after my episode with Maggie, demanding that I regain control before returning to her center. I was so embarrassed about how I’d reacted that I didn’t plan to return at all. How could I walk back in there after leaving sobbing? I couldn’t.
Maggie had tried to call me several times, and I had ignored all of her calls. I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing her knowing she was giving away Addie. I knew deep down that she was right, she was doing the best thing for her baby, but it hurt all the same. And then there was Colt. We had yet to talk since I had left his apartment. I checked my cell every day, praying for some hint that he missed me as much as I missed him—a call, a text, something—only to place my phone back down, the pain in my chest spreading until I wondered if it would swallow me whole.
In a matter of hours, I lost everything that mattered to me—Colt, my job, and my dignity.
“You’re going to break it if you stare at it any harder.”
I peered over at Olivia through my sunglasses. She and Preston had forced me out of the apartment and to the pool, which was perhaps the riskiest place for me to go. Colt lived in the apartment just behind the pool, and as much as I was dying to talk to him, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to run into him, especially with everyone else around. What would I say? That I was sorry? That he was right? That I had lost myself somewhere along the way and that I wanted him, and only him, to help me find my way back? None of that seemed like enough.
“Just call him,” Preston said. “He isn’t going to yell at you. What do you have to lose?”
I shook my head. “It isn’t that easy. The things I said . . . God, I just can’t.”
“You have to be willing to admit that you were wrong, Kara,” Olivia said. “He’s a nice guy who loves you. He’ll forgive you. I know it.”
I twirled my phone in my hand over and over, and then as though the phone gods had answered my plea, it began to vibrate. I jerked up in my sun chair, nearly dropping my phone, but when I glanced down at the number, it wasn’t Colt. It was Maggie.
I clicked answer, a terrible feeling working its way through me. “Hello?”
“Kara? It’s Clark, Maggie’s father. We met at the hospital?” His voice was shaking.
I stood up, already grabbing my things. “Yes, I remember. Is she okay?”
“No, she’s not. She was scheduled for her C-section next week, but her water broke. They’re planning to do it today. She’s petrified.”
“Which hospital?”
“East Cooper”
“I’m on my way.”
***
I lifted my phone to my ear, chanting a silent prayer that she would answer her office line. I needed her to answer, because suddenly everything was making sense to me. Fear had a way of bringing everything important into sharp focus, and right now, I felt as though the magic of my Clarity candle had finally taken effect.
“Helping Hands, this is Tori.”
“Thank God!”
“Who is— Kara? Is that you?”
My throat tightened at the way she said my name, like she’d been hoping I would call. Like she cared about me as much as I cared about her. I swallowed hard to keep from crying. “Yes, I need to ask you something, but first, I have to tell you that I’m sorry. So sorry. You knew better than me, and I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you. I don’t know what happened to me.”
“Your heart happened. It’s natural. But being a professional—hell, being an adult—means differentiating between whether what feels natural is also what’s right. It took me twenty years to learn that lesson. You’re just getting started. Consider yourself ahead of the curve.”
My bottom lip wobbled, and I nodded, though I knew she couldn’t see me. “I just wanted to be good at it.”
“And you are, but maybe this setting isn’t the right place for you. That doesn’t mean you should give up on psychology. I think you’ve picked the right field, you just need to find the right career.”
I allowed her words to digest as I parked outside the hospital. My gut reaction was to hang up quickly and dart inside, allowing my worry to lead me, but just because that was my natural reaction didn’t make it right. “Thank you, for everything.”
“You still have a place here if you want it, but something tells me that isn’t why you called.”
I cleared my throat. “It isn�
�t. Maggie’s dad called me from her phone. She’s gone into early labor. She’s afraid. He asked for me to come to the hospital.”
I heard the sound of Tori’s desk chair squeaking. “And what did you do?”
“I came to the hospital, but I haven’t gone inside yet. I wanted to check with you first. See if it’s okay for me to be here. I don’t want to mess up any more.”
The chair squeaked again, followed by the sound of Tori’s desk drawer opening. “Repeat to me what he said when he called.” I did as she asked, then she said, “Okay. She has asked for you to come. You did the right thing by going there, but remember not to offer advice on her decisions while there, Kara. This is her life. You are to listen and support her . . . quietly.”
I ended the call with Tori, more confident with myself, but still rattled over what I would find once I reached Maggie. I had never felt so afraid in my life. Afraid for Maggie. Afraid for Addie. Afraid that something would happen and the last thing I said to Maggie was for her to go. My insides ached with the need to see her, to make sure she was okay, to tell her I was sorry.
I pushed through the doors to Labor and Delivery, frantic and nervous, desperate to find Maggie, though I wasn’t sure what I would say or do once I found her. I wanted to hug her like I would my sister and tell her everything would be okay, but I wasn’t a doctor. I couldn’t make that promise.
I pulled my phone from my pocket and breathed a sigh of relief that Maggie’s dad had sent me her room number. I walked around until I found her room and then knocked lightly on the door. Immediately, the door flew open and Maggie’s father, Clark, was there, his face red, his eyes wide with obvious worry.
“Thank goodness you’re here.” He stood back and I nearly broke down. Maggie was in the hospital bed, her face covered in sweat. “They’re prepping an operating room now,” Clark said.
Maggie’s eyes met mine. “Kara?”
I closed my hand around hers. “Hey . . . how are you?” She shook her head instead of answering and my chest pinched tight. “Everything will be better soon.”
Tears pooled in her eyes, and I had to blink hard to keep them from falling from my own. “I’m scared,” she said, her bottom lip shaking, and I was reminded that she was so young. We were so young.
“I know, but you’re in good hands here. Nothing bad is going to happen to you.”
Her eyes met mine. “Do you promise?”
I smiled. “I promise.” What else could I say?
Her face screwed up and her teeth clenched together. “Ow, ow, OW!” she screamed.
I glanced frantically at her dad. “Contraction,” he said in answer.
I nodded and leaned in closer to Maggie. “Just breathe. Count with me okay? One. . . . two . . . three . . .”
She breathed in with each number as I counted higher and higher, and then finally, her face relaxed. “Okay. Better,” she said, but her face was now covered in fresh sweat.
“How much longer until her C-section?” I asked as a nurse came in to check her vitals.
“They’re taking her back in just a few minutes.”
I nodded. “Can you do anything for the pain? She’s having full contractions.”
The nurse shook her head. “No, I’m sorry. She’s being prepped for surgery. We can’t give her anything right now. They should be able to give her the spinal pretty soon, though. That should help.” She checked her watch. “Any second now.”
“Okay, thanks.”
The nurse left, and I walked over to a nearby sink and wet a washcloth and then brought it back and began gliding it over Maggie’s face. She closed her eyes, slow tears working their way down her flushed cheeks. “I’m so scared,” she said. “What if something happens?”
“Nothing is going to happen. You and Addie are going to be fine.”
She opened her eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
I shook my head. “No, I’m the one who should be apologizing. I was just . . . I don’t know. But Addie and her welfare are your decision.”
“I cried all night after I signed the paperwork. I feel like I’m abandoning her.”
“Oh, no,” I said, pushing her hair away from her face. “You’re looking out for her forever with this decision. Have you met the family?”
She nodded. “Yes. I think they’re out in the waiting room, ready to take her away from me.” Her bottom lip shook.
“Maggie. Nothing is done yet. This is still your decision.”
“You think I’m making the wrong decision, don’t you?”
I opened my mouth and closed it, remembering Tori’s words. This was Maggie’s decision, and it was hard enough without being clouded by my judgment. I looked down at Maggie, so afraid, and suddenly all the doubts I’d had about her giving Addie up for adoption disappeared. This was the right decision for Maggie and her baby, and that was all that mattered. “I think you’re brave. And I think you’re kind. And I think you know what’s best for your baby. You have to trust yourself.”
She closed her eyes again and gripped my hand, another contraction coming on. I watched as the monitor spiked, showing the contraction, and began to count again. “One . . . two . . . three . . .”
Just then the nurse came back in with another nurse. “Okay, Maggie, it’s time.”
Maggie gripped my hand tighter, and I nodded to her that it was okay, then watched as they wheeled her bed out of the room. Her dad sat beside me in one of the chairs, and we waited in silence, neither of us speaking, just staring at the door. I expected them to call her dad to go back with her, but they never came, which made me think Maggie must have requested that she do it alone. I knew she would have asked her mom to be there if she were alive. I felt sad for Maggie and wished I had offered to join her, but I was already too attached. Seeing Addie delivered wouldn’t be a good idea for me. I knew that now.
After an excruciating forty-five minutes, the door to her room pushed open, and Maggie’s dad and I jumped to our feet. The nurses wheeled Maggie back in, and as soon as I saw her, tears pricked at my eyes, happiness spreading in my chest. I hadn’t realized how worried I’d been about her until that moment.
“Maggie?” her dad said, rushing up to her side. I stayed back as he hugged her, giving them a chance to have their moment, but then Maggie’s eyes drifted over to me.
“You stayed,” she said. “I was worried you’d leave.”
I swallowed hard to keep from crying. “I wouldn’t leave. I’m here as long as you need me.” Then the door opened again and we all looked over as they brought in Addie, all tiny and perfect.
“Can I hold her?” Maggie asked, her lip shaking.
The nurse nodded. “Of course you can.”
I wondered where the family that planned to adopt Addie was, but then Addie was in Maggie’s arms and they looked so amazingly at peace, like they were meant for one another. I placed my hand on my chest to try to steady myself, and then Addie began to cry and Maggie began to sing to her and there was no holding back my tears from the tenderness of the moment. It was so unfair that Maggie had to give her away, when she loved her so much. But maybe loving was sometimes knowing when your love was best shown from a distance.
A soft knock on the door made us all look over, and then a woman in a business suit walked in. “I’m sorry. I was just hoping to speak with your dad for a moment, Maggie.”
Maggie’s dad left, and I noticed Maggie tighten her grip on Addie.
“Who was that?” I asked, edging closer to the bed.
“The adoption specialist. She’s here for Addie.” Maggie stroked Addie’s dark curls. “It hurts, ya know?”
I nodded. “I do, actually. I do.”
Maggie lowered her head to Addie’s and kissed her sweetly. “I will always love you, baby girl.”
And then the adoption specialist was back in the room. “Maggie . . . the Watsons wa
nt you to take all the time you need, but they would love to see her now, if you’re all right with that.”
Maggie drew a breath and nodded, then glanced over at her nurse. “Can you take her back to the nursery for them to see her? I don’t think . . . she’s . . . I just don’t think I can handle seeing them becoming a family with her.”
The nurse smiled, but even she seemed on the verge of tears. “Absolutely.”
And then Addie was gone, and Maggie looked at me, a broken little girl, like her whole world had rolled out that door with her baby. I had only enough time to crawl into her bed and wrap my arms around her before she burst into tears.
I stayed with Maggie for another hour, allowing her to cry as long as she needed, and then slipped from her room once she had fallen asleep so I could go call Olivia. I stepped out of the elevator, prepared to go outside so I could get a signal, and stopped at the sight of the person half talking, half yelling at the front desk.
“I just need a room number, mate! I’m not asking for her social security number!”
I started walking toward him, but then he turned around and I was suddenly running, all of the tears I’d held back to stay strong for Maggie breaking free. Colt opened his arms and I crashed into them, sobbing into his neck as I started telling him all the things I wanted to say.
“I’m so sorry. I was . . . I’m just . . .”
“Kara, I’m in love with you.”
I pulled back, blinking away my tears so I could see him clearly.
“You are neurotic and difficult and you try very hard to keep everyone at arm’s length. Nothing about us will ever be perfect. We’re both too stubborn for that. But you are also the best person I know. You are kind and intelligent and you challenge me in ways no one has ever challenged me. I love you.”
I pressed my lips to his, crying fresh tears. “I love you too,” I whispered. “So much.”
Chapter Twenty-six
“So tell me about your summer.”
I leaned back into Rose’s plush sofa and smiled. What a summer.
