Love is a Four-Legged Word: The romantic comedy about canines, conception and fresh starts

by Michele Gorman

  ‘This is a nice surprise,’ Shannon said as she tried to pick some dog hair off her lip where it had stuck. ‘Pthh. Pthh. Got it. I thought you were at class.’

  For two women who ran a business together they didn’t see each other much during the work day. They walked together for their weekly staff meetings, but couldn’t gossip round the kettle or share family-size bags of Maltesers like normal office workers did. Shannon’s dogs tended to be local to Reading, where they lived, and Scarlett travelled in to London, where it was more convenient for her clients to meet.

  That’s how Scarlett spun her London base anyway, when people asked her why she didn’t just run classes closer to home. It wasn’t like London had the monopoly on misbehaving dogs.

  ‘I was with the puppies earlier,’ Scarlett told her friend, ‘but I’ve got new clients tonight and forgot their questionnaires. That’s okay, though. I really wanted some of that curry.’ She pointed to the bowl on the worktop. She’d been thinking about it since the first pangs of hunger after breakfast. She’d made it from scratch while Rufus and Shannon were out. ‘Want some? Are you hung-over? Rufus was slow this morning.’

  ‘That’s because he drank the shots they were giving away at the bar. No, thanks, I feel all right, and I’ve had lunch.’

  ‘Shots? No wonder he was delicate.’ It served him right. As usual he woke her up when he got in, wanting to tell her about his night. Sweet as that was, she’d rather it waited till morning. ‘Right, I’m off or I’ll be late. You’re okay to lock up?’ Like Shannon didn’t do it every day.

  ‘Don’t worry about us. I’ll feed everyone and take off in a few minutes. Good luck with your new students.’

  ‘You’re still coming for supper Friday, right?’ Scarlett asked. ‘Rufus is making gnocchi and you know how he likes an audience.’

  Shannon smirked. ‘Wouldn’t miss it. Unless I’m out of the country. Mr Darcy could throw himself down on one knee in the park and beg me to elope with him. I imagine then we’d go on honeymoon somewhere hot and exotic straight after the wedding.’

  ‘Right. So does seven o’clock on Friday work?’ Scarlett asked.

  ‘Yeah, I’ll bring wine.’

  Scarlett stuffed Charlie and Max’s Ruff Love assessments into her courier bag, hugged her batty friend and left her rooting around in their cabinets.

  She didn’t mind taking the slow train to London. Even with the extra travel from the station to the community centre, she’d have plenty of time.

  With the park closed after dark this time of year, she ran her classes indoors on weeknights. They’d been in the same park, and same community centre, since she first started up. It was just round the corner from her old flat and she loved walking up the road from the Tube station. She might not get to live there anymore, but she could pretend. When she passed the fruit and veg shop that sold her favourite Medjool dates, the old Turkish owner always waved if she caught his eye. And she always smiled like she’d just popped out from her flat for a pint of milk.

  Much as she loved their Reading house, she had yet to come round to the idea of living there instead of London. The world opened up when she moved from Reading after school and she couldn’t help feeling she’d been demoted when she moved back. It was a wrench moving away from the city where she’d spent almost all of the past fifteen years. When she saw students hanging out at Nando’s in great noisy gaggles, she thought of herself at their age, at uni, living in halls just off Great Portland Street. Her only time away from London had been the year she did her Animal Behaviour course and she got back as quickly as she could when she finished.

  But Rufus had exactly the same love for Reading, where he and Shannon had studied and lived afterwards, and it was just as strong as hers. If property hadn’t cost a million quid in London, Rufus would have had a fight on his hands about where they settled.

  At least she got to work on her home turf, even if she no longer slept there.

  She got to the community centre just as the yoga class was finishing up. ‘Namaste, Scarlett,’ said Krishna, making prayer hands. ‘We’ve warmed it up for you.’

  Krishna said exactly the same thing every week. Scarlett namaste’d back, without the hands.

  Krishna was about as Indian as Scarlett, but after holidaying on an ashram for her fiftieth birthday, she’d had a yogic conversion. She divorced her husband, changed her name and started spreading the sun salutation across North London. With her long grey and brown stripy hair and the flowing robes she wore over her yoga kit, she did look the part.

  Scarlett couldn’t get into the room until Krishna’s class vacated, which meant standing at the entrance saying ‘good night’ to everyone, like one of those official greeters at theme parks. She still didn’t do the hands, though.

  When the room was clear, the first thing she did – always – was fling open the windows. Her animals smelled like roses compared to thirty people farting their way through the downward-facing dog.

  ‘Alright, Scarlett!’ Max called as he and Murphy appeared at the door. ‘Okay to come in? Murphy, you remember Scarlett, the nice lady from the park?’

  Murphy couldn’t be more thrilled with the reunion. As soon as he saw Scarlett he lunged to the end of his lead, where there were legs to be had.

  But Max was ready for him and had a tight hold. That left Murphy dangling briefly on his hind legs. ‘Easy, boy. Nice place.’

  Was it? She looked around, trying to see it through a newcomer’s eyes. No, it was a shithole. The sickly yellow paint was peeling from the walls and the furniture pushed to the edges of the large room was a mishmash of cast-offs. The bright blue lino was rubbed colourless near the door and marked with decades of scuffs and gashes. Actually, thinking about it, Krishna did well to get her class into their meditative state in there. It looked like a bad dream.

  ‘I got lost on the way here,’ Max confessed. ‘It’s all the little one-ways round here, it’s really confusing.’

  ‘Don’t worry, you’re still on time. I guess you don’t get to London that often?’

  His jobs could be anywhere, he told her, since the reputation for his dad’s building firm had travelled across the entire South East. But he was a homebody, and Kent was home. He was always glad to get back there at the end of the day.

  Scarlett watched him as he shrugged out of his hoodie and got his treats bag ready. He wasn’t quite as hot as he’d seemed when she first saw him. Still really good-looking, with another fitted tee shirt, white this time, and jeans. His wavy hair was wet at the ends and he had a five o’clock shadow that was darker than his hair. When he smiled, which was often, she noticed dimples.

  ‘You live alone, right?’ she asked him. She knew the answer from his application, but it was nice to strike up a conversation.

  ‘Yeah, it’s just me and Murphy. It’s a lad’s pad, isn’t it, boy?’

  Murphy’s tongue lolled at the attention.

  ‘Any hobbies or activities?’ Now that she had him in person she could find out all about Murphy’s home life. And that meant finding out all about Max’s home life. Rufus thought she was just being nosy about people. Maybe.

  Max thought for a minute. ‘Xbox. I love my Xbox. Too bad Murphy can’t work the controls, it’d keep him occupied during the day.’

  ‘So Murphy’s at home while you’re working. I don’t suppose you could take him with you,’ she murmured, mostly to herself. It was a perennial problem with working dog owners, including her and Rufus. Only a few were lucky enough to have a job that accommodated their pets.

  As she moved closer, Murphy’s wagging tail shifted up a gear. By the time she reached down to stroke his silky head, his entire back end was in on it.

  ‘Nah,’ said Max. ‘I did try bringing him along when he was a puppy, but he just got in the way. It’s hard when you’re working. Well, you probably know, you must have dogs?’

  They were only a few feet from each other, but Max took a step forward anyway.

  She took
a step back. ‘Two Westies, but we have a walker for them.’

  Max moved towards her again. ‘We?’ He glanced at her hand. ‘You’re living with your husband, yeah?’

  Scarlett started at his question. ‘Uh, yes.’ Back she stepped. They were playing space invaders.

  Forward he went. ‘He’s a lucky guy,’ he said. ‘I’d love to be married. One day I will be, I’m sure of it,’ he said. His head was cocked to one side in a posture so keen that Scarlett’s heart bent for him.

  Far from being one of those clients who thought dog training was code for singles party, Max sounded like a romantic. She stepped backwards anyway.

  They might have danced like that around the room for the whole session if Murphy hadn’t decided to cut in. When he launched himself at the back of Max’s thigh, Max just rolled his eyes and yelled, ‘Murphy, get off! He’s just excited, don’t mind him.’

  But it was Scarlett’s job to mind him. ‘Has Murphy got a favourite toy?’ she asked.

  ‘Oh, yeah,’ Max answered as he tried to calm his dog’s ardour. ‘A few, actually. He loves Bunny Wabbit.’

  Murphy’s head snapped to attention. Did someone mention Bunny Wabbit? His best friend in the entire world, Bunny Wabbit?

  ‘Okay. Next time, please bring Bunny Wabbit.’ Scarlett bit down her smirk. ‘Keeping Murphy occupied should distract him from his mounting and it’ll keep him from getting bored. Bored dogs look for attention. So, walk with him around the room and keep his lead long. When he mounts again I want you to try moving your body away. Don’t acknowledge him or say anything or even look at him. Just walk away. If it’s attention he’s after, he’s getting what he wants if you shout at him. So I’d like you to practise diffusing the situation, okay?’

  Max nodded. ‘I love you, mate,’ he grumbled to Murphy, ‘but the lady says you’re a bloody great show-off.’

  Murphy’s problem wasn’t medical – Max already knew that from his vet. When the man suggested neutering, he’d found Scarlett. She was Murphy’s last chance to hang on to his balls. No pressure or anything. ‘We need to be clear about expectations,’ she told Max. ‘We’re going to try everything we can, but it’s really hard to stop some dogs from humping. So you’ll have to be realistic.’

  Max’s face drained of colour. ‘And if you can’t fix him?’

  ‘Well, then you’ll probably need to. I know it’s not what you want but–’

  ‘I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want me to either!’

  ‘I promise we’re going to do our best, Max.’

  Max and his dog clearly adored each other and when he told Scarlett that Murphy was his first dog, she could see that the bond was even more special. ‘My girlfriend and I picked him out together, though he really picked me.’

  ‘Is that the girlfriend you hope to marry one day?’ Scarlett asked. Rufus was right. She was nosy.

  She found herself grinning. Between his squeaky voice and his sentiment, Max had sounded as hopeful as a teenager about love. He was far from the arrogant guy he’d seemed at first glance.

  ‘Ah, no, sorry, I should have said ex-girlfriend. We broke up. Ages ago though!’

  Before Scarlett could find a less personal subject, Max was describing their entire romance. There was no stopping him once he got started. ‘We’re still great friends,’ he said. ‘In fact, she’s marrying my mate.’

  Scarlett stared at him, waiting for a bitter reaction. ‘That’s tough,’ she finally said.

  But Max shrugged off her sympathy. ‘It’s okay, I did date a few of her friends before we met, and what comes around goes around, I guess. Besides, there’s no stopping love. I’m happy for them.’

  Scarlett wasn’t sure she’d be as big-hearted if one of her exes got together with a friend. Just the thought of Rufus with another woman made her tummy cave in.

  But Max wasn’t like anyone Scarlett had ever known. He was convinced that love trumped all. Really, really convinced.

  He and his girlfriend, she learned as he walked Murphy around the room’s perimeter, had been crazy for each other when they first met. He thought he’d finally (finally!) met his future wife. But it turned out that she had a bad habit of sleeping with other guys. He was just starting to wonder if it might be an incurable character flaw when she met his mate and, just like that, she became a one-man woman. Unfortunately that man wasn’t Max which, he admitted, was hard to take at the time. But once his ego healed he found he could be a gracious loser. He was pretty sure he’d be invited to their wedding as long as he promised not to give the guests any background about how the couple met.

  Besides, he said, he couldn’t hold a grudge against his mate, just as he’d never let a little thing like friendship get in the way of romance. Everyone had potential when one was constantly looking. And Max was, Scarlett knew by the time Charlie turned up at the end of their session, a man who constantly looked.

  Chapter 7

  Murphy was the first to notice the new arrivals. With a deeply excited woof, he rushed to greet Barkley and Charlie with his trademark full frontal assault. Unfortunately, since they’d been practising with him off the lead, there was nothing stopping him. ‘Get back here!’ Max cried.

  But Murphy wasn’t listening.

  Barkley seemed resigned as he watched eighty pounds of setter barrelling towards him. He didn’t sidestep, or even seem to mind Murphy’s nose jammed up his backside.

  He was one mellow dog.

  ‘Don’t worry, he’s friendly,’ Max said as he jogged to catch up with Murphy.

  ‘That’s all right. You’re Max, right? Charlie.’

  They shook hands. Then Charlie said, ‘Funny you’re here, because actually I was going to ask Scarlett for your details. I need some updating done in my mum’s kitchen. Would you be able to have a look and give me a quote? Honestly, I wouldn’t ask normally, as you don’t really know me, but I don’t know any other builders. Even, like, friends of friends, and I’m pretty desperate to get it done.’

  ‘Sure, mate, I’m happy to have a look,’ Max said, pulling his phone from the pocket of his jeans. ‘Give me your number and I’ll text you when I can come. It’s just the kitchen you want redone?’

  As his phone emerged, something flew out of his pocket with it. It arched gracefully away from Max and fell to the lino.

  Max saw it.

  Barkley saw it too.

  The dog’s lunge yanked a startled Charlie forward. ‘Barkley, no!’

  But it was too late. In a single gulp, it disappeared.

  ‘I’m sorry!’ Charlie said to Max. ‘I hope that wasn’t important?’

  ‘It was twenty quid, mate. I was going to the pub with that.’

  Without a word, Charlie fished two tens from his pocket. ‘So… you’ll ring me?’

  Barkley wagged his tail as he digested his snack. Paper was one of his very favourite things to eat.

  ‘Do you think he’ll be in touch?’ Charlie asked after Max left. ‘Or should I maybe try a few off the ’net, too? It’s just that I’ll have to put Mum’s house on the market soon.’

  ‘I imagine he’ll ring,’ she said. ‘He seems like a good guy.’ Charlie seemed like a good guy, too. He had the kind of goofy, friendly demeanour that made Scarlett feel at ease.

  ‘Have you been for a run?’ she asked.

  Charlie glanced down at his tracksuit and trainers. Then he shot daggers at Barkley. ‘I tried.’

  ‘Mmm hmm, it’s not always easy with a dog. My old Labrador was a good jogger, but my dogs now are hopeless. Though they’ve only got those little Westie legs so I can’t really be too hard on them.’

  ‘Barkley doesn’t have that excuse.’

  He stared at Barkley who, panting, sat with a grunt.

  ‘We both need to get into shape,’ Charlie continued, ‘but I can’t run with him, can I? I don’t know what to do. I can’t get rid of him.’

  She couldn’t ignore the look of desperation on his face. Or the tummy protruding under his fleece. ‘Co
uldn’t you jog without Barkley?’

  He shook his head. ‘He has to go out first thing in the morning and there’s no time to take him, then go running myself and still get to work by eight-thirty. Same thing in the evening. He’s alone all day so he needs a good walk when I get home.’

  ‘What do you do for work?’ Scarlett asked.

  ‘I work for Reserve.com. It’s a restaurant-booking site with loads of deals, fixed price menus, discounts, that kind of thing. I sign up the restaurants.’

  ‘You eat out a lot, I guess?’

  He patted his tummy. ‘It’s a downside of the job. As I said, it isn’t getting any easier with the Barkley situation.’

  The dog’s head shot up at his name. Was it snack time?

  ‘What about a dog walker?’

  ‘I spend so little time with him now.’

  She was tempted to ask if he even wanted to keep Barkley, but she got the feeling it wasn’t about what Charlie wanted. He and Barkley were tied together by more than the lead between them.

  He really was stuck between a rock and a hard dog. Unless they could curb Barkley’s snacking, the prospects didn’t look good for either of them.

  ‘How has Barkley been this week?’

  ‘All right, thank you,’ Charlie said politely as Barkley hopefully sniffed the lino for another morsel to eat.

  ‘Any more incidents?’

  ‘Oh, you mean how was he?’ When he sighed, there was resignation in his eyes. ‘I had friends over for dinner on Saturday night,’ he said. ‘I made a gorgeous roast chicken. From Jamie Oliver? Barkley jumped up on the table in the kitchen and ate half of it before I could get to him.’

  They both looked at Barkley’s chubby yellow backside. His athleticism was impressive, if not his behaviour.

  ‘We had to order Chinese,’ Charlie finished glumly. ‘No vet visits this week, though. Just the usual used Kleenex and fag packets.’

  She moved towards Barkley. ‘When a dog eats inappropriate things off the ground it’s usually either because he’s looking for attention or because it’s become a habit. Either way, we want to teach him that there are more rewarding ways to behave.’ She handed Charlie her treat bag. ‘Please throw a treat on the floor out of Barkley’s reach.’