Heart Like Mine

by Maggie McGinnis

  “Well, I’m not so sure.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Amanda stood up and slid a manila envelope across Charlotte’s bed. “Open that up and let me know what’s inside.”

  Charlotte looked at the envelope like it was rigged with explosives, but then finally picked it up and opened the flap. She slid out a small sheaf of papers, and her eyes widened as she fingered a bank check.

  “Is this an April Fool’s joke?”

  Amanda laughed. “No, it’s July. I just happen to know an anonymous donor who sent me on a mission to find a deserving kid who could use a reason to smile.”

  “And you picked—me? Seriously?” Charlotte pointed out the doorway of her room. “There are kids here who are way worse off than me. Why didn’t you pick them?”

  “Because.” Amanda nodded, her jaw set. “You remind me of someone, and everybody here who knows you thinks you are a young lady who deserves this.”

  “I’m going to—camp?” Charlotte tested the word on her tongue, like she was afraid saying it out loud might make it go away.

  “Two weeks. Horseback riding every day, a nice cabin at night.”

  “What about—” She pointed at her chest, and Delaney felt crushed as she watched Charlotte realize maybe this was too good to be true.

  “This camp employs two full-time nurses, and they’re both trained in CF care.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  Charlotte jumped off the bed, forgetting her IV lines for a moment. Amanda noticed before she went too far, and leaned in to hug her.

  “Thank you!”

  “You’re very, very welcome.” Amanda ruffled her hair where it had poked out of the braids. “You’ll have to send us pictures. All of your new fans will want an update, once they see you on television.”

  As Delaney watched the two of them, she felt eyes on her, and she looked up to see Joshua smiling softly at her. He nodded, and she felt heat travel from her throat right to her toes. She followed him out to the hallway, where he leaned against the wall, crossing his arms.

  He raised his eyebrows, and she couldn’t tell whether he was amused or mad. “TV cameras?”

  “I know. Not exactly what we discussed.”

  “Not at all what we discussed.”

  “I’m sorry. Amanda suggested it, and then I couldn’t find you, and then Matt was here, and then cameras were rolling, and—” Delaney’s hands flailed nervously. Crap. She’d just stepped way over the line here.

  “Delaney.” He put his hand gently on her shoulder. “It’s okay.”

  She looked up, not sure whether to trust the words. “It is?”

  “Yeah. Amanda’s pretty hard to say no to, once she gets rolling.”

  Delaney smiled in relief. “Pretty much. How much did you hear of the interview?”

  “Enough to feel like I want to kiss you right here, right now, in this hallway.”

  “Joshua!” Delaney whispered, feeling heat flame up her cheeks.

  “Sorry.” He shrugged. “Can’t help it. You fed Amanda exactly the kind of information to make for one hell of a story. And Charlotte was the perfect choice for her to interview. Well done.”

  “So … you’re not mad about the cameras?”

  “A little surprised, that’s all. Didn’t exactly expect an entire crew to descend on the floor this afternoon.”

  “I’m sorry. Again.”

  “You can stop apologizing.” He pushed away from the wall. “It’s going to be great.”

  “Agreed.” Delaney couldn’t help the grin that took over her face. “Charlotte was awesome. I’m dying to know who Amanda’s secret donor is.”

  “So you can go after the same donor for more than camp fees?”

  “Am I really that transparent?”

  He smiled. “While I appreciate your drive, I’ll save you some trouble. I have a feeling I know exactly who her secret donor is.”

  “Who?”

  “It’s her, Delaney.”

  “Really? You think so?”

  “I do. And unfortunately, her pockets probably aren’t deep enough to help us out of the hole we’re in. But her story might find us someone whose pockets are.”

  Delaney sighed. “We can only hope.”

  Chapter 19

  “Hey, Delaney.” Millie poked her head into Kaya’s room on Tuesday afternoon. “I’ve got a job for you.”

  “Okay?” Delaney set the little girl back into her bed, straightening out her IV tubes and tucking the blanket around her. Four more days of chemo and hopefully she’d get to go home, the poor little thing.

  She pulled the door partially closed, joining Millie in the hallway. “What’s up?”

  “You remember Ian, right?”

  Delaney swallowed. She’d stopped in to see him every day, but still had to take a deep breath and brace herself before she entered his room. He reminded her—way too much—of Parker.

  “Yes. Of course. I know him.”

  “I need some eyes on him this afternoon.”

  “His mom’s not here?”

  “Yes, she’s here.” Millie looked to the left, toward the wall, and Delaney felt her own eyebrows pull together.

  “Does she need a break?”

  Millie nodded. “We need her to talk … to Josh. But she doesn’t want to leave Ian alone. She seems to have connected with you, so I thought maybe she’d be okay if you offered to stay with him for a little bit.”

  “Okay. Sure. I can do that.”

  As Delaney followed Millie down the hallway, she noticed that most of the patient room doors were closed. Unusual, but it was crazy hot outside. Maybe they did it to keep the rooms cooler? It was also strangely quiet, but again, maybe it was the heat keeping everybody suppressed.

  When they got to the nurses’ station, Millie reached out an arm to stop Delaney. “You just tell her Dr. Mackenzie needs to speak with her for a minute, and you’re happy to sit with Ian while she does, okay?”

  Delaney tipped her head, a strange feeling gnawing in her gut. “What’s going on, Millie?”

  “Nothing.” Millie looked at her watch, then down the hallway, like she was expecting someone. Then she pointed toward Ian’s room. “Just go sit for a few minutes.”

  When Delaney knocked on Ian’s open door, Fiona looked up from the chair beside his bed, where she was nervously holding his hand.

  “Hey, Fiona. How are you doing?”

  Fiona shrugged. “I don’t know. Not great.”

  Delaney stepped closer. The woman’s hair looked like she’d slept in her chair, and she had the same clothes on as yesterday.

  “Can I get you a coffee or anything?”

  “No. Thank you, though. I don’t need anything right now.”

  “I think Dr. Mackenzie is hoping to have a minute to talk with you. Do you mind if I hang out with Ian while you go speak to him?”

  “I don’t want to talk to him.” Her voice was quiet, but strong, and this time, alarm bells rang in Delaney’s stomach.

  She tried to keep her voice soft and inviting as she responded. “Why not?”

  “Because—because he’s going to tell me bad news. I just know it.”

  “What makes you think that?”

  “Because if it was good news, he’d just tell me right here.”

  Delaney started to argue, but instead, she bit her lip. Fiona had a point. Delaney wondered what Joshua needed to talk to her about that he couldn’t do right here with Ian present. She shivered, thinking Fiona was right. It probably was bad news, but Joshua didn’t want to scare the poor boy by sharing it in front of him.

  She put her hand tentatively on Fiona’s shoulder, and to her surprise, Fiona reached up with her free hand and gripped it hard.

  “I just want him better, you know? He has to get better. He was never supposed to get this sick.”

  Delaney nodded slowly, while running the woman’s words around her head. What did she mean, he was never supposed to get this sick?
Was she one of the millions who Googled symptoms and latched on to the one positive piece of news they could find? Had she convinced herself that Ian was going to beat something that he—wasn’t?

  She took a deep breath, trying not to draw parallels with Parker as she looked at the tiny freckles dotting Ian’s nose. He slept quietly, and if you didn’t know better, you’d think he was just peacefully snoozing off his morning antics.

  “Listen”—she squeezed Fiona’s hand—“I promise I’ll sit right here in your chair while you’re gone. I’ll even hold his hand. I won’t go anywhere.”

  Fiona shook her head. “I wish Dan was here. He’s better at bad news than I am.”

  “Maybe it’s not bad news. I see Dr. Mackenzie having conferences with people all the time to tell them good news, too.” Did she? Was a white lie permissible in this sort of situation? Or just unduly cruel? “Maybe he has some information on a new medicine or something. You never know.”

  Fiona looked up at her, eyes watery. “Do you think so?”

  “I don’t know. But I think you should go find out.”

  Fiona looked at Ian, wiping her eyes quickly. She stood up slowly, but didn’t take her eyes from the sleeping boy.

  “You promise you won’t leave him alone?”

  “Promise.” Delaney sat down in the chair she’d just vacated, sliding her hand over Parker’s tiny one. “I will be sitting right here when you get done with your meeting.”

  Delaney could see Millie waiting outside the door, and as Fiona looked back one last time, Millie gently took her arm and steered her toward the other hallway, where Joshua’s office was.

  “Hey, buddy. It’s Delaney.” She kept her voice soft as she held Ian’s little hand and looked at the monitors over his head. “I’m just going to sit here with you until your mom comes back.”

  She thought she saw his eyelids flutter, but he didn’t further acknowledge her. She just kept talking quietly as he breathed in, out, in, out—more to keep her own self sane than because she thought he needed inane conversation to keep him company.

  As she watched him, his little body reminded her so much of Parker’s that she had to blink back tears. He had the same reddish-brown hair, the same tiny freckles, the same sort of dump-truck pajamas Parker had always worn in the hospital. He had the same little ears, too, and she’d be willing to bet they heard just as much as Parker’s had.

  She remembered one night, she’d crept to the top of the stairs because her parents were arguing, and knowing full well that she shouldn’t be listening, she did anyway. That was the night she’d learned her brother was never going to grow up, and she’d fled back to her bed, sobbing into her pillow until she felt a little hand rubbing her back.

  What’s matter, Laney? Parker had had one thumb in his mouth while his other hand had rubbed her back. Why you sad?

  Delaney grabbed a ragged breath as her tears threatened to escape her eyes. Dammit. This was exactly why she hadn’t been able to continue with med school. She could have gotten over the physical aspects—she knew she could have. But this? This sitting with a little boy who also wasn’t going to grow up? This trying not to compare him to Parker?

  This is why she couldn’t do medicine. Ever.

  There would always be something—tiny toes, a crooked smile, a left-cheek dimple, a giggle—that would send Parker right to the forefront of her brain, and send her memories spiraling through her head.

  How did Joshua do this every day? How could he handle the fact that some kids never left the hospital? Or only left it to spend their last days at home? How did he let himself get attached, knowing his heart would get broken?

  Because she knew it would. She hadn’t known him long, but the man treated every single one of these kids like they were his own. It had to kill him every time things didn’t go well. It had to kill him every time he had to have a hard conversation with a parent, especially a mom like Fiona.

  Delaney squeezed Ian’s hand gently. She knew that’s what was happening in Joshua’s office right now. Knew it so much that it made her own stomach hurt. She didn’t know if she’d ever find out what he was telling Fiona—didn’t know if she wanted to know. Parker and Ian were already going to be in her mixed-up dreams tonight, and knowing Ian’s fate would only make that exponentially worse.

  Just then, Millie and two other nurses came hurrying through the door, along with two orderlies, making Delaney jump in surprise.

  “Okay, Delaney. Thank you. You can go now.”

  Millie motioned toward the door, but Delaney didn’t move. “I said I’d stay. I promised her I’d—stay.” She watched as the other nurses quickly positioned the bed and IV poles for transport, stepping between her and Ian, making her let go of his hand. “What are you doing? Where are you taking him?”

  She hated the tinge of panic she heard in her own voice, hated the way the nurses paused to look at her, then at Millie, before they refocused on tucking the blankets around him and gently lowering the head of the bed.

  She grabbed the metal bar on the side of his bed as a memory assaulted her—another little bed, another little boy, another transport team taking him away from her again.

  “Let go, Delaney.” Millie’s voice was firm, but curious.

  “I—can’t. Fiona will freak out if she comes back and he’s not here. Can’t you wait till she gets back? Where are you taking him?”

  Her voice kept getting higher, and the nurses were eyeing her curiously.

  Millie bent down, leveling her face with Delaney’s. “We need to move him right now. Now. I will explain later, but I need you to let go. Now.”

  Something in the tone of her voice shocked Delaney into loosening her grip on the bed, and before she knew it, they’d practically shot out of the room with Ian. Delaney was left sitting alone in Fiona’s chair, wondering what in the world was going on.

  She looked down and noticed that they’d forgotten the tiny giraffe that seemed always to be tucked into the little boy’s hand, and she grabbed it and leaped toward the doorway. But the hallway was strangely empty. Wherever they’d taken him, they were already gone. She leaned unsteadily on the wall, looking left and right. Feeling tingly and chilled, she forced herself to walk back into the room and sit down in the chair again, letting her head drop toward her knees before she fainted.

  What in the world was going on?

  And why in the name of God had she let herself be part of it?

  * * *

  “She was poisoning her own child?” Delaney gripped her stomach with both arms as she rocked slowly in Joshua’s guest chair an hour later.

  He nodded, blowing out a breath, and his eyes looked more tired than she’d ever seen them. “We think so.”

  Delaney swallowed, trying not to let the sick feeling overcome her. She could hardly find her voice, but when she did, it came out all hoarse and afraid. “Why?”

  He sighed again. “It’s called Munchausen by Proxy.”

  Delaney nodded slowly. Now that he’d said it, she remembered the term from one of her first med school classes, before she’d dropped out. What she didn’t understand—and hadn’t then—was why anyone would intentionally hurt her own child. Didn’t she know how lucky she was to have a perfectly healthy child?

  “God.”

  “I know.”

  “Where is he now?” Her voice was so quiet she could barely hear it.

  “He’s safe—somewhere else in the hospital.”

  “Is he—”

  “Going to be okay?”

  She nodded, looking at his eyes, trying not to let her tears fall. “I know. You can’t tell me.”

  “I think he is, Delaney. I think we got him in time.”

  She felt relief flood through her body, then fury as she pictured Fiona sitting by his bed day after day, playing the poor-mom-with-mystery-sick-child thing to the hilt.

  “Where’s Fiona?”

  “She’s being evaluated.”

  “By the police?”

&nbs
p; He tipped his head, closing his eyes. “I don’t know what I’m allowed to tell you. I’m sorry. Just know everything possible is being done, okay?”

  Delaney sat back, arms still crossed defensively over her stomach.

  “Is this”—she motioned vaguely toward the hallway—“is this the kind of stuff that—happens down here? A lot?”

  He sat back in his own chair, matching her pose. “Before Ian, I had only read about this, so no. In this case, it’s not the kind of thing that’s common.”

  “How—how do you do it? How do you handle so much—awfulness?”

  He raised his eyes to hers, and held them for a long moment. Then he looked down, a defeated expression on his face.

  “I don’t always handle it. Not well, anyway. This job rips my heart out and serves it back on a platter at least once a month.”

  “Then why? How? How do you make yourself keep doing it?”

  “Because.” He sat forward, elbows on his desk. “Ian, for all I can tell, is going to be okay. He’s going to get medical care that gets him better, and he’s going to get social services care that gets him out of the toxic environment that put him here in the first place.”

  “What about Kaya?”

  He shrugged carefully. “You know I don’t know. I can’t answer that. But we can make that little girl’s life as rich as possible while she’s here, and we can do our damndest to get her better. This job is not for the weak, Delaney. It takes people out on a daily basis, and I don’t blame any one of them one bit. But while I can do it—while I can handle it—I will do my best to help as many of these kids as I physically can.”

  Delaney nodded, silence stretching between them. Then she spoke, almost in a whisper.

  “What if—what if there wasn’t a pediatric hospital here? What would have happened to Ian if he’d had to go to Boston? What happens to the next Ian, if the board decides to shutter this department?”

  Joshua looked down at his desk, exhaustion lining his eyes. “That’s a question I can’t answer.”

  Chapter 20

  When Delaney pushed through the glass doors of the executive suite Wednesday morning, she felt like she had a hangover. She’d left Joshua’s office last night and gone straight home, then out for a long-overdue run. Now her legs hurt, her head hurt, and her chest still felt like someone had tightened a belt around it the moment they’d wheeled Ian out of his room yesterday.