If I Loved You Less

by Tamsen Parker

  “Just up early or did you want to talk?”

  It was a fair question and not one Theo was particularly keen on answering, but she would because this was Kini. A woman who’d known her since she was born. A woman she considered ohana. A woman who’d never turned her away, no matter how badly she’d messed up, no matter how silly her problems might’ve seemed. This was far from the worst screw-up, but it still ranked in things that made her feel like shit.

  Theo paused, arranging her thoughts, and Kini went back to getting her things ready for the day. It didn’t bother Theo; Kini hadn’t given up on her. She was giving Theo space, and Theo had every confidence that when she was ready to spill, Kini would settle herself on one of the work stools and listen until she was done. Kini might’ve joked about how much Dermot spoiled his daughter and how lenient Charlotte had been with her charge, but this was one of the things that Theo had always been most grateful for, one of things that made her feel most special. Someone who would listen no matter what.

  After getting a glass of milk from the fridge and downing it, she felt ready. As ready as she would ever be, anyway. But she eased in with something not entirely relevant.

  “Are you looking forward to Kai and Eliza coming?”

  Yes, their siblings and their nieces and nephews were a safe topic.

  Kini’s dark eyebrow kicked up. Unlike the long hair that she’d pile carefully on her head before Queen’s opened for business, no silver streaked her brows. They were as dark as ever, and Theo had to marvel at how expressive they were. She was sure her whole face couldn’t convey as much sentiment as the curve of one of Kini’s eyebrows. Surprised, but not inclined to argue.

  “Of course. I always like to see them, and the keiki are getting so big. I wish I got to see them more often, but it’s not inexpensive to travel as a family of five, and it’s hard for me to get more than a couple of days away at a time.”

  Theo stayed silent on that matter. She’d never gone to Honolulu to see her sister and her family. She could, she supposed, but the idea of leaving her dad to fend for himself for anything more than a couple of hours made knots form in her stomach. He’d be so unhappy and worry the whole time that she’d never come back. After all, that’s what he’d done to his family. But no one in their families had ever made her feel bad for not making it to Oahu—she thought they understood. Eliza knew their father well enough that, even if it annoyed her, she wasn’t going to make more than a desultory protest, and Kai was so easygoing that he probably didn’t care.

  “I wish I got to see them more, and my dad does, too. I know you and I don’t always agree, but at least we have that in common.”

  She offered a small smile to see if Kini would take the bait and try to ease her conscience about last night. She didn’t. No, instead she took down another huge bowl of dough from a shelf and dumped the contents onto the work surface.

  “I would hope so.”

  “But you still think I’m wrong about discouraging Laurel from dating Bobby?”

  “I don’t think so; you just are.”

  So that’s how it was. “Am I always wrong?”

  “Only when you disagree with me.” The corner of Kini’s mouth tipped up in a gentle, crooked smile. “But it’s not really your fault. I’ve had far more time to accrue wisdom. I was, after all, fourteen when you were born.”

  “That was kind of a long time ago now. So maybe you were way smarter than me then, but you have to admit I have way more sense now than I did when I was two and hell-bent on destroying myself like all toddlers are.”

  “Closer, sure.” Kini used her fists to press the lump of dough out. “But you’ve still got a lot to learn.”

  Theo hadn’t even told her about Brock hitting on her yet, but she could put that off for another minute.

  “At least tell me Bobby isn’t that disappointed. It’s not like Laurel’s the last single girl on the island, and as you said, she probably won’t be staying here forever anyway.”

  Kini’s jaw tightened as she punched at the dough. “I walked back from the party with Bobby last night. He was not his usual buoyant self. I can’t think of a time I’ve ever seen him more down.”

  Blergh. Well, Theo was still right about this, and she wasn’t going to apologize for it. Bobby and Laurel wouldn’t be a good fit, and he would find some new girl to lust after. At least Theo’s twenty-five years had earned her enough sense to see that, even if Kini couldn’t. She could, however, throw Kini a well-deserved bone.

  “You were right about one thing, anyway.”

  “I usually am,” Kini said with a wink. “What was it this time?”

  “Brock won’t be asking Laurel out anytime soon. Or ever. Can you believe he actually tried something with me while we walked home last night? It was gross.”

  Kini’s head shot up, her gaze boring hard into Theo’s face, enough to make her flush. “Did he—”

  Theo shook her head. “No. I mean, sort of, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. Guy’s kind of a misogynistic, money-grubbing buggah.”

  The expression on Kini’s face went from murderous rage to snorting amusement. “I could’ve told you that. Oh, wait, I did. But seriously, if he tries something with you again, don’t wait until the next morning to tell me. Brock needs to learn how to take no for an answer. Boy should’ve learned already, but if he needs a refresher, I’m more than happy to provide one.”

  Then she started muttering, and Theo could only catch some of the words. Kini tended to go on rants in Hawaiian, and while Theo knew some of the language, she was nowhere near fluent. She did, however, relish the sound as she stretched her arms overhead and craned her neck to see how light it was outside. The sun was coming up, which meant she could start catching waves soon.

  “I appreciate that, but I think if it happens again, I’ll kick him in the okole.”

  Kini snorted again and shook her head, but didn’t try to convince Theo she was overreacting. It was nice, having her judgment backed up like that, and beating up a guy wasn’t exactly something she could seek approval from her father for.

  “I’m going to catch some waves before I have to open up the shop. But thanks for breakfast.”

  Theo bounced off her stool and put her arms around Kini’s shoulders, her chest pushing into Kini’s back as she leaned forward to press a kiss to Kini’s smooth brown cheek.

  “Yeah, yeah. Don’t forget to eat something else. Something your dad would approve of, okay?”

  She could do that. Probably some ghastly concoction her father was making in their blender right now. Wheatgrass and bee pollen and some shit. But for Kini? “Will do.”

  Chapter Eight

  Theo’d been avoiding Charlotte since Tadashi’s party, but when she ran into Charlotte in town a few days later, she let the delight at seeing her friend overtake the saltiness and made an apparently convincing excuse about leaving the party early enough to have missed Charlotte. Although she’d had her father and Kini and Laurel to keep her occupied, Theo was still thrilled to have Charlotte and Jim back.

  As was evidenced by the rest of the day being spent tagging along with Charlotte, either getting her classroom ready for the keiki coming off vacation, or stopping by the gallery to see Jim, or as they were now, sitting in Charlotte’s new living room with a mug of tea and catching up.

  When Charlotte had lived out back of the shop, Theo had a favorite chair and a favorite mug, and it was basically like hanging out at home, except better, because Charlotte was her fave. Now that Charlotte had moved into Jim’s house—no, that wasn’t right. Now that Charlotte and Jim lived together in their house, Theo had to figure everything out again. The tea and the mug were the same, but the furniture and the light were different. She’d been here before, of course, but only on occasion for discrete periods of time. Not for the hours upon hours she was used to being at Charlotte’s. That required an entirely different assessment of the furniture.

  She switched to yet another one of the
puffy white chairs. Maybe this would be the keeper.

  “So did you get to see Austin while you were in San Diego?”

  The Inoues had done a tour of the West Coast, ranging from Seattle to Portland to San Francisco to Los Angeles and finally down to San Diego before flying home. The San Diego stop had been explicitly to see Jim’s son from his first marriage. Austin Winters.

  It was a dick move for Austin’s mom to have changed his last name to his stepdad’s— it’s not like Jim was a deadbeat. He went to California to see Austin when he could, and she knew he asked for Austin to come here all the time. Certainly Theo would’ve liked that—her father and Jim both said she’d cried for days when Austin left Hanalei when they were keiki.

  Even after Jim’s ex-wife had moved to the mainland and taken Austin with her, Jim seemed convinced that Theo and Austin would end up together anyhow. And while Theo hadn’t really ever appreciated men in more than an aesthetic or friend way, she left the door open for Austin as a potential life partner if all else failed, because honestly, stranger things had happened. It’s not as though she was fundamentally opposed to the idea of being with a man; she’d just never found one she liked as well as women. The title of lesbian had never felt quite right to her, though. Queer was much more comfortable, and perhaps there was a reason for that. Or not.

  But she shouldn’t be indulging in her fixation on Austin because a little line Theo knew well formed between Charlotte’s brows. It quickly vanished, though, turning into a tight smile and a sip of tea. “We did. Only for dinner, but it was nice to finally meet him.”

  Seriously? Theo had to bite her tongue from saying it out loud because Charlotte’s feelings were dinged already, and she didn’t want to make her friend feel worse. They’d spent several days in San Diego, and all Austin could manage was a single meal? She knew he was in school and all, but that was some bullshit.

  “You have to tell me all about him. Did you take any pictures? Is he anything like what you thought he’d be like? I mean, I know he emails Jim sometimes, but you never really know someone until you’ve met them, you know? And I’ve got no useful information. I haven’t seen him in person for twenty years.”

  There, that was better. Plying her with questions Charlotte could answer even given their brief time together would make her feel less slighted. And was it to do with her, anyway? Similar things had happened when Jim had gone to visit solo, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t a slight to Charlotte. And fuck that. But it was always so hard to tell whether it was Austin himself making these calls or his mom, who seemed pretty terrible.

  There were rumors that Marsha used money to manipulate Austin—apparently Mr. Winters was loaded—threatening not to pay for his car or college if Austin came to see his dad. It was hard to know exactly what went on in a marriage, but Theo was pretty sure Jim hadn’t been the problem. And yet she could only imagine the things Marsha could say to try to turn Austin against Jim. Some divorces were better than others, and Jim and Marsha’s seemed to be among the worst. At least Jim had Charlotte now.

  “I didn’t take any pictures because we thought we’d be seeing him again, and it was a nice restaurant. You know, the kind where a cell phone camera flash would not be appreciated.” Charlotte drew a long lock of hair across her upper lip for the last bit, which was a game from Theo’s girlhood. They used to pretend to have moustaches and monocles and make very snobby pronouncements about things in accents that were supposed to be upper-class English but were more likely a mélange of Australian and soccer hooligan. It still made Theo laugh.

  “Oh, yeah. One of those places. You remember when I tried to order a cheeseburger at the Royal Springs?” Theo made her own faux moustache and did a ridiculous imitation of the waiter they’d had at a swank hotel restaurant in Princeville. Theo’s dad had brought them as a birthday present for Charlotte, but he should’ve just put some ahi on the grill because the only good thing about it turned out to be laughing about the experience afterward. “‘I’m sorry, we don’t have…ground beef here. We serve only the finest cuts of kobe beef, and—’”

  “And you, you little sass monkey, asked if they couldn’t cut it up super-small and then put some ketchup on it so it would be almost as good as a burger. I thought he was going to expire. Anyway, I don’t have a picture for you, but I can tell you he’s a good-looking kid. Like, if you liked boys, I think you’d very much like the look of this one. He’s taller than his dad, with lighter hair, but the same dark brown eyes. And Marsha must have some athletes in her family because he’s got an athletic build.”

  Yep, that wasn’t from Jim. Jim was a pleasant-looking man, but he was more elegant-looking than athletic. Which was fine given that he made his living showing and persuading people to buy art, and not, say, playing pro sports. Which he’d be too old for anyhow, but Theo took Charlotte’s point.

  “But is he gym-buff or is it more like a hiking-with-his-dog, swimming-in-the-ocean, playing-a-pick-up-game-of-volleyball built? Does he surf?”

  “He does surf, but I doubt as well as you. Probably a combination of gym-fit and out-doorsy rugged would be my guess. He had very nice manners. At least for the time we got to spend with him. Actually, he was so interested in me and what Jim’s been up to that I didn’t get to find out all that much about him.”

  Irksome, but also a mark in Austin’s favor. He wasn’t a completely self-centered ass, much as it seemed his mother was. Theo wished, though, that he’d been a little less polite and had yammered on all about himself so Charlotte could give her the scoop. Did he not realize he’d been the object of some fascination in town, particularly in the neighborhood of Sullivan’s Surf Emporium? The mystery had only increased as they’d gotten older, and now that he was twenty-four and she was twenty-five, it seemed downright unfair that they hadn’t at least seen each other in twenty years. He was the one reason Theo had even considered getting on social media but had ultimately decided even Austin Winters wasn’t worth it.

  After getting some more dirt on Austin—he was in a graduate program studying biochemistry like Jessica (had there been something in the water here when they were all young? If so, Theo certainly hadn’t drank it), wasn’t dating anyone, had decent taste in clothes—Theo had to wonder. “So when is he coming to visit?”

  Charlotte picked up her now-empty teacup and stared into it, lips slightly pursed, and Theo was immediately sorry. She shouldn’t have asked. Either he’d made a promise that Charlotte thought he had no intention of keeping, or he’d hedged about when he could come. And though Charlotte hadn’t mentioned it, it probably still smarted that Austin hadn’t come for the wedding. How could she get the information she wanted, but make it hurt less, since that hadn’t been what she’d meant to do at all?

  “After you’ve told me all about him, I can’t wait to meet him. It’s funny how in some ways I feel like I already know him and we’d totally be friends, but I don’t have crystal clear memories of being with him. I’d like to actually meet this guy who was allegedly my best friend. I mean, he’s a grown man and in grad school, he’s got to have some of his own money by now, and his mom not so in charge of his life.”

  Charlotte tipped her head and then shook it. “I don’t really understand the whole thing with Austin’s mom and neither do you. From what Jim’s told me about her, she sounds controlling and manipulative. Your dad might have his own…peculiarities”—they grinned at each other—“but for all that, he’s never made his attention or affection or your access to resources contingent on you doing exactly what he wants you to do.”

  That was true, and the idea of it not being true made her insides feel like tangled, rotting seaweed washed up on the beach. It was her choice to stay here and run the shop with her dad, and she was very happy doing it. She didn’t want to leave and do something else. Even though her father had been devastated that Eliza was leaving, he’d still paid for her college and her law school, and although Theo couldn’t say for certain, she suspected he’d helped Kai a
nd Eliza purchase their condo in Honolulu. It wasn’t something she thought about much—probably because she’d always had everything she needed—but her father had always been generous with his wealth.

  “You’re right. I’m very spoiled, and I wouldn’t want to be under Marsha’s thumb because she sounds horrid.”

  Charlotte’s brow and the opposite side of her mouth kicked up. “But?”

  This was the problem with one of your best friends having known you since you were a little girl. She couldn’t keep anything from Charlotte if she tried.

  “But I still want him to come visit. Yesterday.” Theo’s grumble was met by a knowing shake of Charlotte’s head.

  “Of course you do. And so do I. And so does Jim. Some day. And in the meantime, more tea?”

  A few days later, Theo’s dad had gone to take his morning walk. He didn’t go far, but it was a thing he did every day. And since it was too early for tourists, and no new inventory had come in for her to enter into the system or stock, and yesterday Laurel had been ridiculously efficient at folding and putting clothes away and rearranging things shoppers had moved around, there was nothing for Theo to do besides sit at the counter on her stool and swing a foot while flipping through the latest issue of Curl.

  Quiet was fine with Theo. It had been a few days since her big fat failure of an attempt to set up Laurel and Brock, and she’d maybe—just a little, teeny, tiny bit—been avoiding both of them. Laurel was coming in later today, so it would be all over then. She’d have to spill about what exactly had transpired with Brock, and she was not looking forward to that. It involved several of her least favorite things: hurting a friend’s feelings, having to rehash something unpleasant after having talked to Kini about it already, and being wrong. It was going to be the worst.

  The tinkly bells on the door sounded as someone entered the shop. Theo didn’t bother putting her magazine away since it was unlikely to be a tourist and none of the locals cared if she was reading a surf magazine on the job. Hell, they’d probably ask her if there was anything good in the issue.