No Biz Like Showbiz

by Julie Moffett

  She glared at me. “Don’t patronize me.”

  “Then don’t bother me.”

  I tried to walk past her, but she grabbed my arm. “Do you know who’s leaving the show tonight?”

  “That’s your biggest concern?”

  “Of course. You think I give a flying crap about seeing your boobs?”

  “And if I know who’s leaving?”

  “Then tell me, for God’s sake. I need to prepare myself. It’s in the interest of everyone on this show that I handle this properly.”

  “Why would I want to ruin the drama? It’s the best part of your acting.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “That’s a compliment, right?”

  I shook off her hand. “Of course. I wouldn’t dream of patronizing you...again.”

  I heard her hiss between her teeth as I turned the corner and headed for Cartwright’s office. I had bigger fish to fry at the moment.

  Cartwright’s secretary waved me in without even asking who I was. She didn’t meet my gaze either, which meant she knew damn well who I was without my clothes on.

  I walked past her and into the office. Cartwright sat behind his desk while Tony worked on a laptop at a small conference table.

  Cartwright leapt up from behind his desk when he saw me. His caterpillar eyebrows wiggled furiously. “What’s the meaning of this? Didn’t you catch his ass?”

  “Yes and no.”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “He’s in a box now. He’s mine.”

  “Can you explain that in plain English? How does a video of you naked in the shower equal having him in a box?”

  I flinched and my cheeks heated. “He’s mad and he’s scared. I almost pegged him and he wanted to strike at me. He’s pissed because I know exactly which votes he added and I wiped them.”

  “How is that having him a box?”

  I sighed. “Cybersecurity is essentially a process of elimination. I need to let him do what he does to a certain extent so I can tighten the noose and box him in. I’m close.”

  Cartwright growled. “Damn it. He’s playing us like a piano. He’s got my balls in a damn vise. What do I tell the studio honchos if they ask?”

  “Tell them the truth. We figured out what votes he added and we wiped them. The legitimacy of the process is hereby preserved. You can also say we’re very close to catching him.”

  Tony jumped up from his chair. “Do you know who it is?”

  I crossed my arms over my chest. “I have my suspicions.”

  “So, you are going to catch him.”

  I didn’t blink. “Yes.”

  Cartwright frowned. “You’d better.”

  “Oh, I will. It’s just a matter of time now.” I turned to leave when Cartwright spoke.

  “Lexi?”

  I turned back around. “What?”

  “Whoever made that video is a small-minded little jerk. I called the hotel. You’re leaving. We’re moving you into a nicer, better, and more secure hotel. It’s just down the street. We’ll absorb any additional cost. I should tell you that hotel security found a small camera planted in the shower curtain. They are beyond apologetic and have no idea how it happened. The police will likely be calling you later to get a statement.”

  “Okay. Thanks.”

  “I mean it. What he did sucks. No one should be exposed like that, no pun intended.”

  “I know. I appreciate your efforts.” Still, the thought of more people reviewing the shower video, including the police, made me sick. “I’ll be okay.”

  “Good, because we need you.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  I needed to focus and push the humiliation of the video of me naked from my mind. The studio was abuzz with activity ready for the results show. The stage crew ran around the set adjusting the lighting and the making sure the trap door worked properly. A couple of sound guys were testing the wireless microphones that Stone, Lucy and the contestants wore. The contestants themselves were dressed, combed and waiting none-to-happily in the staged Red Room. Lucy stalked about the stage in a little black dress with mile-high heels and a new pair of fake black glasses. Kyle waved me over. He stood by the side of the stage with a headset that had a small microphone. “Front seat view just for you.”

  “Do we have to? I’d rather watch from inside the IT room.”

  Maybe it was reality or maybe I was paranoid, but I felt like everyone’s eyes were on me, imagining me naked in the shower. I wondered if I’d ever feel secure in the shower again.

  “Cartwright wants us here for moral support.”

  I frowned. “How in the world am I supposed to offer moral support? Do I look like a people person?”

  Kyle shrugged. “He’s the boss, so we’re standing here. Besides, I’ve got Noah, Carlos and Melinda on duty watching in case anything comes up.”

  I sighed and leaned against the wall. Stone strolled onto the stage, the lights dimmed, and someone yelled, “Two minutes.”

  Kyle put on his headset and leaned back against the wall next to me. “Get ready. The shit is about to hit the fan.”

  “It could get interesting.” I noticed his hands were trembling slightly. “You really are nervous, Kyle.”

  “It’s Lucy. She’s in rare form tonight.”

  “Doesn’t that make for good reality television?”

  Kyle lifted his shoulders. “We’ll see.”

  The On-Air studio light began flashing red. We all fell quiet as a crewmember starting counting down with his fingers. When he got to zero, the music cued and Stone started talking.

  “The beauty and the geek. Who have you chosen for Lucy? She doesn’t know yet, but you have spoken and tonight we will find out who is going home on Geeks Get Some.”

  The stupid music played and the lights flashed. I stuck my finger in my mouth as if I was gagging. Kyle caught the gesture and smiled as the show went to commercial. When the show came back, Stone introduced Lucy and they started rolling clips from the previous week’s filming.

  It was ten wasted minutes of mindless, forced social interaction. Ten minutes of my life that I would never get back. Lucy made fun in not-so subtle ways of the guys with the exception of Ray, who seemed to be the only one clued into her fakeness. Although he was clearly the favorite at this point, he didn’t seem comfortable with her in the slightest, despite her near desperate fawning over him. Two more commercials with interspersed clips and, thankfully, we were nearing the end of the show.

  “Hold on,” Kyle mouthed to me.

  Stone’s voice boomed. “Now it’s time for one of our contestants to go. Did you choose the right guy to leave the show? We’re about to find out. Dim the lights.”

  Someone cranked the dramatic music. It all seemed unbelievably stupid and cheesy to me, yet I could feel the tension in the air.

  “Wait. Not yet!”

  I blinked as Anson stepped forward holding out his cell phone. The music stopped and the lights flickered and then brightened. I saw Cartwright stand up from his director’s chair, a horrified look on his face. It didn’t take a high IQ to realize this part of the show was not going as planned.

  Stone darted a worried glance offstage at Cartwright and then smiled brightly at Anson. “Ah, yes, my man. What’s up?”

  Anson planted his legs apart and I had a weird flashback of a cowboy getting ready for a shoot-out. “There is only one person who should be going home tonight.” He waved his cell phone above his head. “And that person is you...Lucy.”

  He pointed at her in a dramatic fashion and the entire stage hushed.

  Lucy looked at him like he was an alien from another planet before stalking across the stage.

  “Don’t you dare tell me what to do, you dork.” She looked over her
shoulder at Cartwright. “What is this? Some kind of script deviation? No one told me about this.”

  Anson cleared his throat and wagged his finger at her. “Don’t call me a dork. I’m not going to take it anymore. None of us are. We know the truth about you.” The other guys shuffled forward and crowded behind him in support.

  Lucy narrowed her eyes and I exchanged a worried glance with Kyle. He shook his head and lifted his hands as if to say he had no clue where this was headed.

  Stone stood looking completely dumbfounded as if he, too, could not deal with a script change. He glanced over at Cartwright, who started making a slicing motion under his throat.

  “Uh—” Stone started when Anson cut him off.

  “Get Lucky with Lucy.” He shouted at the top of his lungs, waving his phone like a maniac. “You aren’t a geek at all. You are a soft porn star wearing fake glasses. I found a video of you on YouTube. You’re so dense that light bends around you.”

  Barnaby shook his fist. “Yes, woman, you are a fatuous example of the human species.”

  She stared at Barnaby. “Did you just call me fat?”

  Anson laughed. “You’re so not a geek.”

  “Shit!” Cartwright’s voice boomed so loudly through Kyle’s headset, he ripped it off his head, wincing. “Cut to commercial. Cut, cut, cut.”

  Lucy paled, glaring at Anson. “You dim-witted bastard. How dare you insult me!”

  She launched herself at him, clawing at his face. Ray managed to grab her around the waist just as she collided into Anson, who fell backward into a few of the other guys, knocking them over like bowling pins. Lucy screamed, her arms flailing about, shouting about killing all of them. Stone leaned over to help and the back of her fist hit Stone square in the eye. He howled, dropping his mike and covering his face.

  The cameramen, not sure what to do, zoomed in and then out. I stood frozen in shock. Kyle’s headset was on the floor, and I could hear Cartwright screaming. “Go to fucking commercial! Right now!”

  The television monitor blacked and a tampon commercial came on. Stone lurched toward Cartwright, who had ripped off his headset and was yelling something unintelligible, his face purple.

  Tony ran over to Cartwright. “Boss. Boss! What do we do now? We’ve only got thirty seconds to decide.”

  Cartwright started barking orders. “Get Lucy the hell off the stage and into a soundproofed room. Knock her out if you have to. Nerds, pull yourselves together and stand up. You—” He pointed at Anson. “I’m talking to you later.”

  Tony ran to the stage and together he and Ray managed to pull Lucy still screaming and clawing into the arms of a very large security guard.

  Cartwright kept shouting. “Stone, play the shocked card. We didn’t know. We’re flabbergasted and will look into any and all of the sordid details. You’ve got five minutes of show to fill. Be shocked, be sorry, and do it right or we’re all dead.”

  “But my eye.” Stone moaned and lifted his hand where his eyes had turned red and starting to swell shut. “Oh, my God, she hit me in the face.”

  “Suck it up. You’re a professional. Take one for the show.” Cartwright ran from the stage as the crewmember began to count backwards from ten.

  To his credit, Stone straightened and began to talk, despite the fact his eye had almost swollen shut. “Ah, welcome back to Geeks Get Some. We had, um, a bit of a surprise as you may have seen before that last commercial. It was revealed, rather shockingly I might add, that our very own Lucy Shoemaker might have had a previously unknown job before coming onto the show. It would also imply that she is not a geophysicist.”

  Anson glared at him, his right cheek scratched and bleeding. “No kidding, Sherlock.”

  “Lucy was a bit dismayed by the revelation and accidentally caused injury to a few of us while, ah, displaying her dissatisfaction.”

  Ray climbed back onto the stage, panting. His shirt was ripped at the shoulder. Apparently Lucy had torn it in her attempt to maim and disembowel Anson.

  Stone looked between the guys, his eye looking more hideous by the moment. I could almost hear the wheels turning in his head, trying to figure out what to say and do next. Cartwright tersely ordered for cameraman number one to zoom in on Stone’s eye. He would milk this for whatever he could.

  Stone swallowed. “Ah, yes. Well, anyway, I can’t tell you how shocked we here at SWM Productions are at this unexpected complication. To think Lucy had fooled all of us is a stunning development.”

  Truman snorted. “Save it, Stone. Look, one thing we are not is stupid. Yeah, we knew Lucy wasn’t a geek a long time ago, but we went with it in order to hopefully get some guidance on how to interact with girls. Instead, you created a travesty. You didn’t help us, you created a show that magnified the bullying that most of us already have endured and then put it on display to entertain millions of others.”

  Gregg put a hand on Truman’s shoulder. “Yeah. We aren’t going to take it anymore. We’ve got a list of demands if you want us to continue.”

  To my surprise, Anson glanced over at me and gave me a thumbs-up. When I had suggested a revolt, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, but I wasn’t going to stop it while they were on a roll.

  Stone looked nervously over at Cartwright, who had started to pace, his hand on his head. He couldn’t stop the live show, and they still had several minutes to fill.

  Anson pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket and began to read. “No one is proposing an end of the show. Not at this point anyway. But we are done with the fake part. No more frankenbiting our conversations or piecing together unrelated phrases just for drama’s sake. No bogus girl. We want to keep this show transparent. Additionally, we want the girl herself to vote on which one of us she likes best. Fans can still voice their opinion and guide her, but ultimately, the choice must be hers alone. She is not an idiot. It’s a disservice to all woman to think she can’t make up her own mind about one of us.”

  Stone swayed on his feet, his eye now completely swollen shut. “Uh, well, okay, I guess. Transparency is good. Right?” He looked in desperation at Cartwright, who stood stage left. His ears were turning a weird shade of purple.

  Ray stepped forward. “Now, the most important demand of all is the girl.”

  Stone shook his head, confused. “Ah, given the shocking revelation about Lucy’s past profession, I believe she will no longer be continuing on the show—”

  “Good.” Ray smiled. “Because we’ve already got a candidate of our own. A true-blue geek girl. The real thing.”

  To my horror, he pointed offstage, in my direction. I looked over my shoulder in desperation as all the cameras suddenly swiveled toward me. A spotlight shined directly in my face. A guy with a boom mike started running in my direction.

  I took a step back into Kyle, squinting as the relevance of what was happening hit me.

  Ray laughed. “Geeks Get Some audience, meet Lexi Carmichael. She’s one of the computer whizzes behind the show and our new genuine geek girl.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  I sat next to Kyle in Cartwright’s office, adrenaline racing through my veins. My foot kept jiggling as if it were ready to leap up and race a marathon all on its own.

  Cartwright paced around the office like a caged lion. He looked horrible, his face like a neon light changing from red, to violet, to deep purple. Tony hovered over him like a nursemaid, waving a bottle of pills he kept trying to shove into Cartwright’s hand.

  “Boss, you’ve got to take your meds.”

  Cartwright glared at Tony, who backed up two steps

  Cartwright cleared his throat and then looked at me. “Is this part of your brilliant plan to catch the hacker?”

  I shook my head. “No. Absolutely not. This in no way has anything to do with catching him.”

  “Well,
now it looks like you have my balls in a vise. So, let’s just cut to the chase. Lexi Carmichael, SWM is officially inviting you to be the next girl on Geeks Get Some. Looks like whether we like it or not, you’ve been chosen by popular demand.”

  I clasped my hands together on my lap, my stomach churning. “Gee, thanks for the offer, not to mention the stunning vote of confidence, but no.”

  Cartwright blinked in surprise. “No? Did you say no?”

  “I said no.”

  “Are you nuts? This is prime time television we’re talking about.”

  “Apparently I’m not being very clear. As a result, I’ll give you three options. No, no way, and hell no. Clear enough now?”

  Cartwright threw up his hands. “You can’t say no.”

  “Then why did you ask?”

  “It’s a formality, for Christ’s sake. You have to agree. I hired you. I’m paying you.”

  “To catch a hacker. Not to star in a television show.”

  “You’ll still be hunting the hacker. Just in front of a camera instead of behind a computer screen.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  Cartwright’s eyebrows wiggled furiously. “Look, this idiot may still be after us. How can we know for sure? Who knows what that sicko will do next if you refuse to go on.”

  I lifted a hand. “Slow down. First of all, I’m not going to have any say because I’m not going to be in front of the camera.” The thought of the video of me in the shower made my stomach lurch. “I don’t even like to have my picture taken.”

  “That’s perfect! You won’t have to worry about watching yourself. I’ll have it put in your contract.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Secondly, it can’t be that hard to find another girl to stand in for Lucy. This is Hollywood. Doesn’t everyone want to be a star?”

  Cartwright growled. “Everyone but you, apparently.”

  “Well, then there you have it.”

  Cartwright shook his head. “The guys don’t want another girl. They want you.”