Banana Hammock

by Jack Kilborn

  Her lips down turned. With all the lipstick, they looked like two cartoon hot dogs.

  “This is Max Factor.”

  “I won’t tell Max if you don’t. Now start counting.”

  I was out of there before she got to six.

  After I got back to my office, I took care of some personal business, washed my hands, and called the client. He agreed to come right over.

  “Mr. McGlade, I can’t tell you how…oh, yuck.”

  “Watch where you’re stepping. Marcus decided to mark his territory.”

  Thorpe made an unhappy face, then he took off his shoe and left it by the door.

  “Mr. McGlade, thank you for…yuck.”

  “He’s marked a couple spots. I told you to watch out.”

  He removed the other shoe.

  “Did you bring the money?”

  “I did, and I—wait a second!”

  “You might as well just throw away the sock, because those stains…”

  “That’s not Marcus!”

  I looked at the dog, who was sniffing around my desk, searching for another place to make a deposit.

  “Of course it’s your dog. Look at that face. He’s a poster boy for Retin-A.”

  “That’s not a he. It’s a she.”

  “Really?” I peeked under the dog’s tail and frowned. “I’ll be damned.”

  “You took the wrong dog, Mr. McGlade. This is Abigail’s bitch, Julia.”

  “It’s an honest mistake, Mr. Thorpe. Anyone could have made it.”

  “No, not anyone, Mr. McGlade. Most semi-literate adults know the difference between boys and girls. Would you like me to draw you a picture?”

  “Ease up, Thorpe. When I meet a new dog, I don’t lift up a hind leg and stick my face down there to check out the plumbing.”

  “This is just…oh, yuck.”

  “The garbage can is over there.”

  Thorpe removed his sock, and I wracked my brain to figure out how this could be salvaged.

  “Any chance you want to keep this dog instead? You said she was a magnificent broad.”

  “Bitch, Mr. McGlade. It’s what we call female dogs.”

  “I was trying to put a polite spin on it.”

  “I want Marcus. That was the deal.”

  “Okay, okay, let me think.”

  I thought.

  Julia had her nose in the garbage can, sniffing Thorpe’s sock. If I could only switch dogs somehow.

  That was it.

  “I’ll switch dogs somehow,” I said.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Like a hostage trade. I’ll call up Ms. Cummings, and trade Julia for Marcus.”

  “Do you think it’ll work?”

  “Only one way to find out.”

  I picked up the phone.

  “Ms. Cummings? I have your dog.”

  “I know. I watched you steal him an hour ago.”

  For someone who looked like a mime, she was sure full of comments.

  “If you’d like your dog back, we can make a deal.”

  “Is my little Poopsie okay? Are you taking care of her?”

  “She’s fine. I can see why you call her Poopsie.”

  “Does Miss Julia still have the trots? Poor thing.”

  I stared at the land mines dotting my floor. “Yeah. I’m all broken up about it.”

  “Make sure she eats well. Only braised liver and the leanest pork.”

  Julia was currently snacking on a tuna sandwich I’d dropped under the desk sometime last week.

  “I’ll do that. Look, I want to make a trade.”

  I had to play it cool here, if she knew I knew about Marcus, she’d know Thorpe was the one who hired me.

  “What kind of trade?”

  “I don’t want a female dog. I want a male.”

  “Did Vincent Thorpe hire you?”

  Dammit.

  “Uh, never heard of him.”

  “Mr. Thorpe claims I have his dog, Marcus. But the last time I saw Marcus was at an AKC show last April. I have no idea where his dog is.”

  “That’s not how he tells it.”

  Nice, Harry. I tried to regroup.

  “Look, Cummings, you have twelve hours to come up with a male dog. I also want sixty dollars, cash.”

  Thorpe nudged me and mouthed, “Sixty dollars?”

  I put my hand over the mouthpiece. “Carpet cleaning.”

  “I don’t know if I can find a male dog in just 12 hours, Mr. Dognapper.”

  “Then I turn Julia into a set of luggage.”

  I heard her gasp. “You horrible man!”

  “I’ll do it, too. She’s got enough hide on her to make two suitcases and a carry-on. The wrinkled look is hot this year.”

  I scratched Julia on the head, and she licked my chin. Her breath made me teary-eyed.

  “Please don’t hurt my dog.”

  “I’ll call you tomorrow morning with the details. If you contact the police, I’ll mail you Julia’s tail.”

  “I…I already called the police. I called them right after you left.”

  Hell. “Well, don’t call the police again. I have a friend at the Post Office who gives me a discount rate. I’m there twice a week, mailing doggie parts.”

  I hit the disconnect.

  “Did it work?” Thorpe asked.

  “Like a charm. Go home and get some rest. In about twelve hours, you’ll have your dog back.”

  The trick was finding an exchange location where I wouldn’t be conspicuous in a ski mask. Chicago had several ice rinks, but I didn’t think any of them allowed dogs.

  I decided on the alley behind the Congress Hotel, off of Michigan Avenue. I got there two hours early to check the place out.

  Time crawled by. I kept track of it in my notepad.

  9:02am—Arrive at scene. Don’t see any cops. Pull on ski mask and wait.

  9:11am—It sure is hot.

  9:33am—Julia finds some rotting fruit behind the dumpster. Eats it.

  10:01am—Boy, is it hot.

  10:20am—I think I’m getting a heat rash in this mask. Am I allergic to wool?

  10:38am—Julia finds a dead rat. Eats it.

  10:40am—Sure is a hot one.

  11:02am—Play fetch with the dog, using my pencil.

  Julia ate the pencil. I was going to jot this down on the pad, but you can guess how that went.

  “Julia!”

  The dog jerked on the leash, tugging me to my feet. Abigail Cummings had arrived. She wore a pink linen pants suit, and more make-up than the Rockettes. All of them, combined. I fought the urge to carve my initials in her cheek with my fingernail.

  Dog and dog owner had a happy little reunion, hugging and licking, and I was getting ready to sigh in relief when I noticed the pooch Abigail had brought with her.

  “I’m no expert, but isn’t that a Collie?”

  “A Collie/Shepherd mix. I picked him up at the shelter.”

  “That’s not Marcus.”

  Abigail frowned at me. “I told you before, Mr. Dognapper. I don’t have Vincent Thorpe’s dog.”

  Her bottom lip began to quiver, and her eyes went glassy. I realized, to my befuddlement, that I actually believed her.

  “Fine. Give me the mutt.”

  Abigail handed me the leash. I stared down at the dog. It was a male, but I doubted I could fool Thorpe into thinking it was Marcus. Even if I shaved off all the fur and shortened the legs with a saw.

  “What about my money?” I asked.

  She dug into her purse and pulled out a check.

  “I can’t take a check.”

  “It’s good. I swear.”

  “How am I supposed to remain incognito if I deposit a check?”

  Abigail did the lip quiver thing again.

  “Oh my goodness, I didn’t even think of that. Please don’t make Julia into baggage.”

  More tears.

  “Calm down. Don’t cry. You’ll ruin your…uh…make-up.”

&nb
sp; I offered her a handkerchief. She dabbed at her eyes and handed it back to me.

  It looked like it had been tie-dyed.

  “I think I have two or three dollars in my purse,” she rasped in her smoker voice. “Is that okay?”

  What the hell. I took it.

  “I’ll take those Tic-Tacs, too.”

  She handed them over. Wint-O-Green.

  “Can we go now?”

  “Go ahead.”

  She turned to leave the alley, and a thought occurred to me.

  “Ms. Cummings! When the police came to visit you to look for Marcus, did you have an alibi?”

  She glanced over her shoulder and nodded vigorously.

  “That’s the point. The day Vincent said he brought the dog to my house, I wasn’t home. I was enjoying the third day of an Alaskan Cruise.”

  Vincent Thorpe was waiting for me when I got back to my office. He carefully scanned the floor before approaching my desk.

  “That’s not Marcus! That’s not even a Shar-pei!”

  “We’ll discuss that later.”

  “Where’s Marcus?”

  “There have been some complications.”

  “Complications?” Thorpe leaned in closer, raised an eyebrow. “What happened to your face?”

  “I think I’m allergic to wool.”

  “It looks like you rubbed your cheeks with sandpaper.”

  I wrote, “I hate him” on my notepad.

  “Look, Mr. Thorpe, Abigail Cummings doesn’t have Marcus. But I may have an idea who does.”

  “Who?”

  “First, I need to ask you a few questions…”

  My face was too sore for the ski mask again, so I opted for a nylon stocking.

  It was hot.

  I shifted positions on the branch I was sitting on, and took another look through the binoculars.

  Nothing. The backyard was quiet. But thirty feet away, next to a holly bush, was either a small, brown anthill, or evidence that there was a dog on the premises.

  I took out my pencil and reviewed my stake-out sheet.

  9:46pm—Climbed tree.

  9:55pm—My face hurts.

  10:07pm—It really hurts bad.

  10:22pm—I think I’ll go see a doctor.

  10:45pm—Maybe the drug store has some kind of cream.

  I added, “11:07pm—Spotted evidence in backyard. Remember to pick up some aloe vera on the way home.”

  Before I had a chance to cross my Ts, the patio door opened.

  I didn’t even need the binoculars. A man, mid-forties with short, brown hair, was walking a dog that was obviously a Shar-pei.

  Though my track-team days were far behind me (okay, non-existent), I still managed to leap down from the tree without hurting myself.

  The man yelped in surprise, but I had my gun out and in his face before he had a chance to move.

  “Hi there, Mr. Ricketts. Kneel down.”

  “Who are you? What do…”

  I cocked the gun.

  “Kneel!”

  He knelt.

  “Good. Now lift up that dog’s back leg.”

  “What?”

  “Now!”

  Glen Ricketts lifted. I checked.

  It was Marcus.

  “Leash,” I ordered.

  He handed me the leash. My third dog in two days, but this time it was the right one.

  Now for Part Two of the Big Plan.

  “Do you know who I am, Glen?”

  He shook his head, terrified.

  “Special Agent Phillip Pants, of the American Kennel Club. Do you know why I’m here?”

  He shook his head again.

  “Don’t lie to me, Glen! Does the AKC allow dognapping?”

  “No,” he whimpered.

  “Your dog show days are over, Ricketts. Consider your membership revoked. If I so much catch you in the pet food isle at the Piggly Wiggly, I’m going to take you in and have you neutered. Got it?”

  He nodded, eager to please. I gave Marcus a pat on the head, and then turned to leave.

  “Hold on!”

  Glen’s eyes were defeated, pleading.

  “What?”

  “You mean I can’t own a dog, ever again?”

  “Not ever.”

  “But…but…dogs are my life. I love dogs.”

  “And that’s why you should have never stole someone else’s.”

  He sniffled, loud and wet.

  “What am I supposed to do now?”

  I frowned. Grown men crying like babies weren’t my favorite thing to watch. But this joker had brought it upon himself.

  “Buy a cat,” I told him.

  Then I walked back to my car, Marcus in tow.

  “Marcus!”

  I watching, grinning, as Vincent Thorpe paid no mind to his expensive suit and rolled around on my floor with his dog, giggling like a caffeinated school boy.

  “Mr. McGlade, how can I ever repay you?”

  “Cash is good.”

  He disentangled himself from the pooch long enough to pull out his wallet and hand over a fat wad of bills.

  “Tell me, how did you know it was Glen Rickets?”

  “Simple. You said yourself that he was always one of your closest competitors, up until his dog died earlier this year.”

  “But what about Ms. Cummings? I talked to her on the phone. I even dropped the dog off at her house, and she took him from me. Wasn’t she involved somehow?”

  “The phone was easy—Ms. Cummings has a voice like a chainsaw. With practice, anyone can imitate a smoker’s croak. But Glen really got clever for the meeting. He picked a time when Ms. Cummings was out of town, and then he spent a good hour or two with Max Factor.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Cosmetics. As you recall, Abigail Cummings wore enough make-up to cause back-problems. Who could tell what she looked like under all that gunk? Glen just slopped on enough to look like a circus clown, and then he impersonated her.”

  Thorpe shook his head, clucking his tongue.

  “So it wasn’t actually Abigail. It was Glen all along. Such a nice guy, too.”

  “It’s the nice ones you have to watch.”

  “So, now what? Should I call the police?”

  “No need. Glen won’t be bothering you, or any dog owner, ever again.”

  I gave him the quick version of the backyard scene.

  “He deserves it, taking Marcus from me. But now I have you back, don’t I, boy?”

  There was more wrestling, and he actually kissed Marcus on the mouth.

  “Kind of unsanitary, isn’t it?”

  “Are you kidding? A dog’s saliva is full of antiseptic properties.”

  “I was speaking for Marcus.”

  Thorpe laughed. “Friendship transcends species, Mr. McGlade. Speaking of which, where’s that Collie/Shepherd mix that Abigail gave you?”

  “At my apartment.”

  “See? You’ve made a new friend, yourself.”

  “Nope. I’ve got a six o’clock appointment at the animal shelter. I’m getting him gassed.”

  Thorpe shot me surprised look.

  “Mr. McGlade! After this whole ordeal, don’t you see what amazing companions canines are? A dog can enrich your life! All you have to do is give him a chance.”

  I mulled it over. How bad could it be, having a friend who never borrowed money, stole your girl, or talked behind your back?

  “You know what, Mr. Thorpe? I may just give it a shot.”

  When I got home a few hours later, I discovered my new best friend had chewed the padding off of my leather couch.

  I made it to the shelter an hour before my scheduled appointment.

  The end.

  If you think dead pets aren’t funny and want a different ending, click here.

  If you think dead pets can be funny, click here.

  To return to the previous section, click here.

  Through the magic of Write Your Own Damn Story technology, I went back in time
a few sentences.

  “Mr. McGlade! After this whole ordeal, don’t you see what amazing companions canines are? A dog can enrich your life! All you have to do is give him a chance.”

  I mulled it over. How bad could it be, having a friend who never borrowed money, stole your girl, or talked behind your back?

  “You know what, Mr. Thorpe? I may just give it a shot.”

  When I got home a few hours later, I discovered my new best friend had chewed the padding off of my leather couch. So I dropped him off at the cosmetics factory, where he was kept in a small cage, starved, and subjected to painful experiments. But he didn’t die for a long time.

  The end.

  If you think that ending still sucks, click here.

  If you want to start over, click here.

  To return to the previous section, click here.

  If your name is Maria, click here.

  There were a lot of Amish in the Amish settlement, and if I had to personally beat up every single one of them to find out who Lulu’s husband was sleeping with, I’d do it. Even if it took weeks of non-stop beatings.

  Walking though the corn, I stopped at a plain-looking house, which was in plain view. After knocking on the door, some plain chick answered.

  “May I help you, Brother?”

  “Yes. My name is Brother Karamazov. I’d like to speak to your husband.”

  “Amos?”

  “Is every man in this village named Amos?”

  “All the ones named Amos are.”

  “You going to let me in or what? Didn’t God say be nice to strangers in one of those bible things?”

  “Please come in, Brother Karamozov. But I must beseech you not to bother our son, Little Amos. His pet rabbit just passed away, and he’s in a terrible state. He had that rabbit for six years.”

  I stuck my head in the door. “Is that rabbit stew I smell?”

  “No, that’s a chateau Briand. We wouldn’t be so cruel as to eat Little Amos’s pet. Instead, we chopped up the corpse, threw it in the compost heap, and will use it to fertilize our vegetable garden.”

  “Neat. You letting me in, or what?”

  She opened the door, and I stepped into their plain little house. Little Amos was sitting at the dinner table, tears on his chubby red cheeks. Since nothing tugs at my heartstrings like a child in need, and since I’m a caring, consoling type, I sat next to him.

  “Cheer up, little buckaroo. I heard about your bunny. But that’s just part of God’s master plan. See, God kills everything we love. One day He’ll kill your mommy and your daddy. He’ll even kill you.”