Four Meaningful Words

by A. M. Guilliams

  “I knew you’d see things my way.”

  “Yeah, that’s what it is.”

  “Stop stalling, woman.”

  “Alright. The answer to your question is yes.”

  “Yes? That’s all I get. I said details.”

  “I came home yesterday. Surprisingly, he was eager to hear what I had to say,” I started and then told her everything, to the last detail of our conversation.

  “I knew he would be. That man loves you, Liz.”

  “I didn’t know if he would want to work things out. I’m glad he does, though.”

  I went on to tell her about the lists I’d made and what we needed to work on to get back to where we were in our relationship. I also told her about this morning and the surprise I had for Austin. She squealed in excitement over the simple breakfast and promise of dinner I’d made.

  “You did good, Liz. It’s so good to see you laugh and have a genuine smile instead of that fake one you thought I didn’t see through.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I didn’t know she could see through my façade. She never said a word.

  “You do, but I’ll let you think you don’t. I’m not stupid, my friend. I knew you too well to not notice. You may have had everyone around you fooled, but you never fooled me for a second. I just let you have your moments and heal in your own time. It just took way longer than I thought for you to snap out of that funk you put yourself in. Now that you have, I can see that the darkness has faded from your features and the light is shining through.”

  Just like Cass to put everything into perspective and speak her mind. Another one of the reasons she was more than my PA, but my best friend.

  “Now that you got the deets you wanted, I need to tell you about my new schedule.”

  “You’re giving yourself a schedule. That is the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while,” she said through a fit of laughter. I laughed along with her because a month ago I’d have never entertained the idea of shutting down my computer until my eyes strained at the end of the day. I’d have to work at balancing my work life and family life better.

  “Yes, missy, I’m giving myself a schedule. I’ve written it all out, and you should have it momentarily. It’ll change here and there when I have a release, but for the most part, this is the way things are going to be.”

  I hit send on the email I’d already prepared earlier in the morning and waited for her to look it over.

  She took a few minutes to read through the notes, and then looked back at the screen with a shocked look on her face.

  “You’re serious about this. You’ve never entertained a schedule before. Not even before everything…” She trailed off without finishing the sentence. I knew what she was going to say. Not even before the numerous miscarriages or after the failed adoption attempts did I adhere to a set schedule. I just wrote whenever the inspiration hit. Well, things were changing, and this would be good for me. Of course, I’d still have a notebook nearby for when I’d need to jot down some notes for a scene if something came to me suddenly, or if a new story idea appeared out of nowhere, but other than those little notes here and there I’d essentially work from four or five in the morning until three in the afternoon. Once those hours were done, I’d spend the rest of the day shopping for groceries, doing laundry, or cooking dinner for myself and Austin.

  “I’m in shock right now. I’m proud of you, and I’m ecstatic that you and Austin are working everything out. I never thought I’d see the day when you became so structured, but it’s a sight to behold.”

  “I’m going to need your help at first making sure I stick to it. Especially since I won’t be answering any emails or messages after three either, but I feel good about this change. It’s another weight lifted off my shoulders. I should’ve done it long ago,” I admitted. Even though I felt like everything was coming together, I wasn’t going to be afraid to ask for help or admit when I was struggling any longer. I’d done that for far too long and look where that got me.

  “I’ll help you any way I can. You know that. Now, go kick ass and take names with that word count goal for the day,” she said as she bid me adieu.

  I nodded and put my phone in my desk drawer to stay focused and finish strong on the first day of my new normal.

  Chapter 12

  Austin

  Promptly at six, I walked out of the office. A first in almost two years aside from the other day when I needed a minute. I was too excited to get home and see what Liz had prepared for dinner. Words couldn’t describe how good it felt to see a smile on her face this morning while we enjoyed a meal together.

  I arrived home with a few minutes to spare and went inside. The smell of pot roast hit me as soon as I opened the door. After putting my keys in the bowl and setting my briefcase by the door, I went in search of Liz.

  She stood in front of the crock-pot as she plated the pot roast, carrots, and potatoes on the serving dish. I walked up behind her and placed my arms around her waist, kissing her on the side of her head.

  “Dinner smells delicious,” I whispered as I watched her continue to plate the food.

  “Thank you,” she replied with a smile and dare I say with a blush to her cheeks.

  “If it tastes as good as I remember, I should be the one thanking you. I’m famished since I skipped out on lunch.”

  “Do I need to pack you lunch from now on so you remember to eat?”

  “I wouldn’t be opposed. Are you going to cut the crust off my sandwiches too?” I joked as I backed away from her so she could carry the steaming plate of food to the table in the breakfast nook. We rarely ate in the dining room unless it was a holiday or a special occasion since the table was so big. Unlike the other night, those times when just the two of us ate there were few and far between.

  “I’m your wife, not your mother. Plus, you’re a grown-ass man. Cut your own crust off,” she joked and playfully pushed me in the chest on her way over to the counter so she could grab the plates, silverware, and wine bottle opener. I grabbed the wine glasses and the bottle of white wine from the fridge and walked over to the table just in time to pull out the chair for her.

  Her smile lit up the room as I opened the wine bottle and poured us each a glass.

  “How was your day?” she asked as I took the first bite of dinner.

  I let out a moan of approval at how tender and delicious it was.

  “I take it you approve?” she laughed between bites of food.

  “Okay, and yes. Yes, I approve. It’s amazing, Liz,” I told her as I put my fork down and placed my hand on top of hers.

  “Anything interesting happen in court today?”

  “The case I’m working on is difficult. It’s for child neglect and seeing what that innocent little boy had gone through before CPS stepped in was a hard pill to swallow. The child is the main one who suffers,” I admitted, feeling a sense of relief at being able to talk about what ailed me to my wife.

  “I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. What will happen to the child?”

  “He’s in foster care.”

  She frowned as she took a bite of food.

  “Will he have to stay there?”

  “Most likely. His father is nowhere to be found, and the mother isn’t in contact with her family.”

  “That’s sad,” she said then remained silent. I hated altering our happy conversation, but after a few minutes of her processing the events of my day, she turned her frown upside down.

  “Yeah, it’s sad, but it’s what’s best for the little boy.”

  “I agree. I just don’t see how someone, especially a mother, could neglect her child.”

  “I can’t either. It’s hard when these cases come across my desk. I hate them, but I seek the best justice I can for the child who’s suffered. He’s one of the lucky ones. He lived. Others haven’t.”

  “Not to be mean or anything, but can we talk about something else? This is a hard topic for me to discuss right now,” she
admitted. That admission was a huge stride for her from the past. She would’ve remained silent and suffered through the conversation for my sake.

  “Of course. How was writing today?”

  “It was great. I exceeded my word count goal and am officially ahead of schedule. And I had a great talk with Cass.”

  “Yeah. That’s great. What did y’all discuss?”

  “My schedule, oh and I forgot to mention that I hit USA Today last week on my latest release,” she admitted as she placed her fork down on the plate and pushed it away.

  Holy shit. She’d done it. She’d hit one of her top goals, and I’d ruined the celebration by asking for a divorce.

  “I’m so fucking proud of you. That’s amazing. I know how hard you’ve worked to obtain that goal,” I said in awe of my wife.

  “Thank you,” she blushed.

  “Schedule?” I questioned as I took the last bite of food on my plate.

  “One of the lists I made was how I wanted to change things about myself. Devising a schedule was one of them. I love writing. It soothes my soul, but I don’t want it to consume my time anymore. I want to make time for myself and for us. With that said, I’ll be working from between four and five in the morning until three in the afternoon. That gives me plenty of time to get my word count goal met and work through emails and admin tasks while you’re at the office, and then I have the whole night to devote to us.”

  Wow. I was amazed. Who was this woman, and what did she do to my workaholic wife? I loved her devotion to building her writing career and how much she gave up to succeed. I never thought in a million years that she’d restrict herself to writing only at certain times.

  “You amaze me. But isn’t that going to be hard for you? Are your characters going to cooperate?”

  She laughed at my understanding of how her mind worked.

  “That’s what notebooks are for. I’ll keep one near me just in case I absolutely need to jot something down. Other than that, I’ll make mental notes, and Cass will take over after three to handle any pressing emails. If it’s something that can wait, it’ll be answered the following day during my business hours.”

  “You make it sound so simple.”

  “Because loving you is that simple. I don’t want us to get so lost that we can’t find our way back. I could’ve lost you if I hadn’t fought for us, and I’m not willing to allow that to ever happen again. You’re more important than the next book to release.”

  She stood and began cleaning up dinner, and I grabbed the remaining dishes and carried them over to the sink to assist her.

  “You’re going to help me do dishes?”

  “No, I’m going to do the dishes. You’re going to go outside with our glasses of wine and enjoy the cool breeze. I’ll meet you out there when I’m done and have showered.”

  “Hmmm… I could get used to this.” She smiled as she leaned over and gave me a kiss.

  “You’re going to have to because I’m not letting you go ever again,” I admitted to her, meaning every word.

  Chapter 13

  Elizabeth

  True to his word, Austin met me outside, fresh from the shower in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, carrying the bottle of wine we’d opened at dinner. After he filled our glasses, he set the bottle down on the table and joined me on the couch on our porch outside. This was one of my favorite places to sit and relax. The atmosphere was serene and peaceful, especially when the candles were lit and glowing as they were right now. I’d lit them before I sat and covered myself with the throw cover we’d left out here from the night before.

  Austin moved the cover over himself and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I settled into his side and took a sip of wine. I enjoyed being wrapped up in his arms.

  “I’m also taking weekends off,” I admitted. I hadn’t even told Cass that earlier, but in all honesty, I needed to slow down before I burned out. Plus, Austin and I deserved to be able to make plans and go somewhere on his days off. They might as well be my days off too.

  “Does Cass know that yet?” He laughed.

  “No, but she will if she reads the fine print in the email I sent her earlier. I didn’t want to shock her too much with all the changes I decided to make. I have to ease her into it.”

  “That should go over well.”

  “She’ll be okay. Because I’m giving her weekends off too. We deserve the reprieve. Especially her with how much she does without me asking.”

  “Good for you. I’m happy for you. Speaking of lists, what other lists did you make? You seem to be on a roll today with getting shit done.”

  If he only knew. I’d sacrifice it all for him.

  “I made a list of what I loved about myself and put it up in my office so I can see it every day. I also made a list of topics I feel we need to work through. Me more so than you. We will have small discussions and focus on one topic at a time.”

  “What’s the first one?”

  The first topic was the hardest for me to talk about, but I wanted to get the heavy one out of the way and work down to the smaller ones. No other way to tackle a problem than facing it head-on in my opinion, and I was ready to slay all my fears to get our marriage back.

  “The first line on the list reads guilt. I feel guilty for so many things when it comes to us, but the main one, the one that guts me, is my guilt for not being able to have a child and make you a father. I feel like a failure. I feel like you’ll resent me one day because you don’t have any children. I can’t go through the adoption process again. It’s too hard for me to imagine it not working out for the third time.”

  He set his wine glass on the table then wrapped both arms around me and ran his fingers through my hair.

  “I’ll never resent you. Do I wish we could have children someday? Yes. But they don’t have to biologically be mine for them to be ours. We could hire a surrogate, become foster parents; the possibilities are endless, sweetheart. You have no reason to feel guilty. It’s not your fault. None of it is. The miscarriages or the failed adoptions. It just wasn’t meant to be,” he said as he rocked me and held me to his chest.

  I breathed in the scent of his bodywash paired with fabric softener as I calmed my racing heart. I knew he’d say those words; he said them when I didn’t want to hear them. Hearing them now, however, they clicked. I believed him this time. He was right about the possibilities being endless for becoming parents; we just needed to talk some other time, when we were ready to face that hurdle, on what the best option for us would be.

  “I have an appointment on Friday.”

  He moved back and looked down at me, waiting for an explanation for what the appointment was for.

  “I’m meeting with a psychologist. I want to work through my issues and get help for the depressive state I was in. I don’t want to move backward, only forward.”

  “You’re an amazing woman. You know that, right?” he asked as he pulled me into his chest.

  I didn’t know that, but the way he’d just said the words, he made me want to start believing them.

  I shook my head in response.

  “Well then, I’ve got my work cut out for me. I’m going to make sure you see just how amazing you are,” he vowed as I curled into him until I was practically laying on top of him.

  We stayed out on the porch, holding each other for hours, until one of us yawned, I wasn’t sure who, but the night ended with him carrying me up to bed and us holding each other until we were both asleep.

  Chapter 14

  Austin

  How did I get so lucky?

  The past four days had felt like a dream that I didn’t want to wake up from.

  My wife had returned in the blink of an eye.

  She’d been more productive in her writing since she’d made a schedule and had stuck to it. Every morning we enjoyed breakfast and a cup of coffee together, and every night we’d eat dinner and talk. Really talk. She hadn’t brought up any other topics from the list she’d made, and I didn�
��t press for her to discuss them. She’d tell me in her own time.

  It felt like we were back on track and a real couple again. We didn’t just exist in each other’s lives; we were both active and reconnecting with each other on a much deeper level than before. She’d confessed how heartbroken she was over the miscarriages, and I didn’t try to get her to stop for fear of her getting upset. I let her talk. I confessed to her that the reason I didn’t let her talk before was because I feared the pain I’d experience from hearing her devastation. Seeing her heartbreak was hard. Hearing it was even worse.

  We laughed together. We cried together for the children we’d lost. Most importantly, we began healing together.

  Today was the day of her appointment. I knew it would be hard for her to open up to a complete stranger, which was why I was shocked she’d taken the initiative to seek therapy with a psychologist.

  To cheer her up, I called the local florist and had a bouquet of her favorite flowers, sunflowers, delivered to her around lunchtime. I wished I could be there to see the smile on her face when she received them.

  We were on our lunchbreak from the court hearing when I opened my briefcase to review the next witnesses I’d call, and I found a brown paper bag.

  Chuckling, I opened it to find my favorite sandwich from my childhood, peanut butter and grape jelly, sans crust, and a note from Liz.

  You’re a rock star! I love you. Enjoy your crustless sandwich.

  Xoxo,

  Liz

  If I had my phone, I’d text her, but we couldn’t have them inside the courthouse.

  I ate the sandwich and went over my notes, making sure I tucked the note she’d left safely inside my briefcase so I could add it to the others once court adjourned.

  Court ended at five o’clock, and I wished I was still in the moment, eating my peanut butter and jelly sandwich and laughing at Liz’s note. Instead, my heart hurt with the way the case was going. I’d never tried a case that was this burdensome. The mother sat on the opposite side with her attorney showing no remorse whatsoever for neglecting her child. My case was rock solid, but my anger to rose and my emotions wavered from the stoic expression I used while I was questioning witnesses, to allowing the anger to seep through as I glared over at her every time I asked a witness a question regarding her character.