Amy

by Peggy Savage

  Amy went back to her normal duties, her mind in a turmoil. She fetched and carried for him and for Sister, but now and again Dan asked for her assistance, holding a retractor to expose the operation site, or clipping off a bleeding vessel. The hours wore on and as she worked she had time to think about what she had done. She began to feel a kind of deflation, as if all her energy and determination had left her. She had revealed herself and performed active surgery. She had broken the rules. She had no doubt that it would be all over the hospitals the next day and no doubt would get back to the General Medical Council sooner or later. Sister, for one, looked as if she couldn’t wait to pass on the news. What would happen then? She thought she knew.

  They finished their shift. ‘Would you wait for me, Miss Osborne?’ Dan said. ‘I would like to speak to you.’

  She waited for him outside the theatre. The night was cold and clear and the stars were brilliant overhead. She leant against the wooden wall of the hut. I don’t regret it, she thought. Not for a moment. I couldn’t just watch him die. It would be inhuman.

  Dan came out. ‘Let’s walk a bit, Amy,’ he said. ‘I think you’d better tell me what happened. I must say you put on a good act. You certainly had me fooled.’ He sounded not annoyed exactly, more disappointed and hurt.

  ‘I’m really sorry, Dan,’ she said, ‘but there didn’t seem to be anything else that I could do.’ She told him everything, about Bulford and his prejudices and his nauseating sexual advances, about her helplessness to defend herself, about her determination to get her licence back.

  He listened in silence until she had finished. ‘Why didn’t you tell me all this before?’ he said.

  ‘I was afraid I’d be sent back. I didn’t think the hospital would keep anyone with that kind of reputation. I couldn’t bear the thought of doing nothing when there is so much death and suffering. I would have gone mad.’

  She could see his face in the dim lights from the huts. She couldn’t read his expression, except that he looked serious and thoughtful. They could hear more singing coming from the wards, more homesick Christmas carols.

  ‘You could have trusted me,’ he said at last.

  ‘Dan.’ She turned to face him and put her hand on his arm. ‘I haven’t told anyone. Not even Helen. I was so afraid of being sent away.’ She very carefully didn’t mention Johnny.

  ‘I see,’ he said quietly. ‘Well, everyone will know now.’

  Tears rose in Amy’s eyes and she brushed them away. ‘I know. What will happen to me? I suppose I’ll have to go.’

  ‘Amy,’ he said, ‘I’ve known you a long time now. I think I know you fairly well and I believe you, especially now I’ve seen you actually working. I believe what you said about Bulford. I’ve met men like him before, men who are fanatical about keeping women out of the profession. And I meant it, Amy, you probably saved that man’s life. You did a good job.’

  Her tears began to fall. ‘I hope so. It might be the last one I ever do.’

  ‘I’ll speak to you in the morning,’ he said gently. ‘Now go to bed and try and get some sleep.’ He smiled. ‘Perhaps we shouldn’t be seen lurking about together in the dark. Someone might get the wrong idea.’

  He looked down at her in the dim light. He raised his hand and brushed away a tear from her cheek. Then he leant towards her slowly and kissed her gently on the mouth. ‘It’s Christmas Day tomorrow.’ He walked away into the night.

  He kissed me, she thought, surprised. The kiss had been light and gentle and without passion. Christmas Day tomorrow. What a farce. Everything was a disaster, her own life and the far greater horrors of the war. But amazingly, Dan had kissed her, and it had been surprisingly comforting.

  When she got to the hut Helen was in bed but still awake. She sat up. ‘Amy,’ she said. ‘You’ve been crying. What’s happened?’

  Amy sat down on her bed. ‘Helen, I’ve got something to tell you. I should have told you ages ago.’

  Helen listened, her eyes getting wider and wider. ‘I always thought there was something,’ she said. ‘I always wondered why you knew all that medical stuff. Why didn’t you tell me before?’

  ‘I didn’t want to tell anyone. I was frightened I might be kicked out. And if you knew about it you might have been kicked out too.’

  ‘I think it’s terrible.’ Helen was highly indignant. ‘It’s just another example of women being suppressed and abused. That surgeon should be the one who’s struck off.’

  ‘Well, I’ve ruined it now. I’ll almost certainly be sent away tomorrow.’

  ‘Surely they can’t do that.’ Helen was even more indignant. ‘You saved the man’s life.’

  ‘I broke the rules. I was told not to practise. That’s all they’ll care about.’ She put her hands up to her face and rubbed her temples. ‘It’s all such a mess.’

  Helen was silent for a moment and then she said, ‘Have you told all this to Johnny?’

  Amy shook her head. ‘No. That’s another thing. Absolutely no one knows about it except my father. Johnny doesn’t know anything about it. There never seemed to be the right moment. I tried to tell him when I saw him in England but somehow it didn’t happen.’ She sighed. ‘I don’t think it would go down very well in that family.’

  ‘You’ve got to tell him now,’ Helen said. ‘He’d find out anyway.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘He’d be such a support to you, Amy. I know Peter would back me up with anything.’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  Amy undressed and got into bed, lying on her back, staring at the roof. She felt utterly despondent and yet she knew that she could not have acted differently. After all, she thought, what did she matter? What mattered were all the men outside, patiently waiting, and patiently dying.

  ‘It might be all right.’ Helen said. ‘They might overlook it.’

  ‘Unlikely,’ Amy said. Frustrated tears slipped down her cheeks. She wasn’t crying for herself any more, but for the whole, horrified and horrifying world.

  ‘It might be,’ Helen said firmly. ‘Don’t give up, Amy.’

  The next morning a runner came with a note. She was requested to meet Major Barnes, the acting DADMS at ten a.m. in his office.

  ‘Who’s that?’ Helen said.

  Amy gave a grim smile. ‘The executioner. The acting Deputy Assistant Director of Medical Services. He’s about to give me my marching orders.’

  She arrived at the office and was shown in. Matron and Dan were already there, Matron looking as if she were about to burst with curiosity. Major Barnes was intimidating, steel grey hair and sharp clear blue eyes. He was sitting behind his desk.

  ‘Sit down, Miss Osborne,’ he said. ‘I think we should continue with that name for the time being.’ Amy sat down on a hard chair in front of his desk. It was horribly reminiscent. It’s happening again, she thought. All over again. He was the judge and jury. He looked at her sternly. ‘Well, what have you got to say for yourself?’

  She looked back at him defiantly. I’ve got nothing to lose now, she thought. I can say what I think. ‘I’ve spent two years,’ she said, ‘watching wounded men coming and going and dying because the medical services are overwhelmed. I’ve spent two years knowing that if I tried to help them I would never be able to practise medicine again. Well, I just couldn’t take it any more. I couldn’t just watch that man die and do nothing. I took the Hippocratic oath and I don’t care what Sir William Bulford says, or the GMC. They’re not here, are they? They’ve no conception of what’s really going on. I’m not sorry for what I did. I’m glad I did it.’

  There was a long silence.

  He looked at her, unsmiling. ‘I suppose we all knew about you at the time,’ he said. ‘about you being struck off the Register. I’m sure you realize that given the evidence they had at the time, the GMC had no alternative.’ He paused, looking stern. ‘I can’t say that I knew the details then. We were all too busy to concern ourselves with it. It would perhaps have caused more of a stir if the
re hadn’t been other things to worry about.’

  ‘You don’t know the truth,’ she said.

  He rolled his pen between his fingers. ‘I know Sir William Bulford,’ he said.

  She gave a short, cynical laugh. ‘I’m sure you do.’ She was quite reckless now. ‘You all stick together, don’t you?’

  He raised his eyebrows. ‘Captain Fielding has filled me in on the details, as you gave them.’ She carefully didn’t look at Dan. ‘I did some training with Bulford,’ Major Barnes went on. He stopped rolling his pen and smiled, a grim smile. ‘I’m quite prepared to believe what you say. He is a most objectionable man, a total misogynist.’ He paused again, and frowned. ‘Except in certain areas. There was some trouble with a nurse, as I recall. All suppressed, of course.’

  Amy stared at him, her mouth dropping open a little. She had certainly not expected this.

  He got up and walked to the window and stood beside it, looking out. He was tall and held himself very straight, but she could sense the tension in his body, in his stiff shoulders and clenched fingers. ‘How much are you prepared to risk, Miss Osborne?’ he said.

  She was puzzled. ‘What do you mean?’

  He continued to look out of the window. ‘I mean that the General Medical Council might very well decide never to reinstate you.’

  ‘It was only once,’ she said defiantly. ‘I only did the surgery once, and in extreme circumstances. Surely they could see that, if they have any idea of what’s going on here.’

  ‘Would you come here?’ he said.

  Puzzled, she got up and stood beside him by the window.

  ‘Look out there,’ he said. ‘What do you see?’

  She looked out at the appalling, unchanging scene, at men slipping and staggering and crawling, falling in the mud, blinded men being led by their mates, exhausted men carrying stretchers, streams of ambulances unloading.

  ‘What do you see?’ he said again.

  Her voice caught in her throat. ‘Hell,’ she said. ‘Armageddon.’

  ‘Are you prepared to risk it?’ He looked down at her and she met his eyes. ‘Are you prepared to risk never being able to go back,’ he went on, ‘never being reinstated? They might forgive you one occasion, but they couldn’t overlook it if you continued to do it.’ She was even more puzzled.

  ‘We need surgeons, Miss Osborne,’ he said. ‘We particularly need abdominal surgeons. I believe that is your field, and Captain Fielding tells me that he believes you to be very competent.’

  Her heart leapt. ‘Major Barnes,’ she said, ‘what are you saying? Are you asking me to do the surgery?’

  He smiled and nodded. ‘If you’ll take the risk. I promise you that when the war is over and if you do the work well, I will do whatever I can to help you with the GMC. I would, of course, ask Captain Fielding to monitor you for a while, to make sure that your standards are consistently acceptable.’

  She could hardly breathe. ‘They will be. Of course I’ll do it.’

  He held out his hand and she shook it heartily. ‘Welcome aboard,’ he said. ‘Happy Christmas.’

  She shook hands with Matron and with Dan.

  ‘I’ll see you out,’ Dan said.

  They went out into the cold, damp air. ‘Dan,’ she said, ‘How can I possibly thank you. You can’t imagine what this means to me.’

  ‘Don’t thank me, we need you,’ he said. ‘You are quite sure? You know what a risk you are taking about your future.’

  One of the stretcher-bearers slipped in the mud and nearly dropped his burden. The wounded man gave a muffled cry.

  ‘I don’t care about the future any more,’ she said. ‘I want to do what I can now. God knows, we might not be alive tomorrow.’

  He looked down at her for a moment. ‘I’m sorry about last night.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ she said.

  ‘I’m sorry I kissed you. I shouldn’t have done that.’ He smiled. ‘Or perhaps I should have done it a long time ago.’

  She flushed a little. ‘It’s all right,’ she said. ‘I didn’t mind.’

  ‘Good,’ he said. ‘Report to theatre as soon as you can. They’ll be expecting you.’

  Amy walked back to the hut on air. She felt that she was redeemed, that her life now had a real purpose, whatever happened to her after the war – if the end ever came.

  Helen was in the hut, preparing to go to an early lunch.

  ‘What happened?’ she said. ‘Everybody’s talking about it.’ She grinned. ‘Especially the soldier you operated on. He’s something of a celebrity.’

  ‘You won’t believe it,’ Amy said. ‘I can hardly believe it myself. They’ve asked me to go on doing surgery. They are going to try and put it right with the GMC after the war.’

  Helen threw her arms around her. ‘Oh how wonderful. Tell me all about it. Let’s have a cup of tea to celebrate.’ She put the kettle on the primus stove and pumped up the stove to get the pressure up.

  ‘There isn’t much to tell.’ Amy sat down at the table and Helen busied herself with the tea. ‘They asked would I do it and I said yes.’

  ‘I think it’s wonderful, you being a surgeon.’ Helen warmed up the teapot and made the tea. She sat down at the table. ‘I think it’s wonderful what all the women are doing. I wish I had the brains. I never really thought about having a job or a career. I just assumed that I’d get married and have a family one day.’

  ‘You do more than enough,’ Amy said. ‘You work like a slave every day and you’re cheerful and kind and you never give up. I don’t know how I would have got through it all if it hadn’t been for you. You’re a good friend, Helen.’

  ‘And so are you.’ Helen put down her mug. ‘What will your father say?’

  ‘He’ll be glad I’m doing what I want to do, and worried about me ever getting my licence back.’

  ‘And what do you think Johnny will say?’

  Amy sighed. ‘I don’t know, Helen. It’s not the kind of family where women have careers outside marriage, certainly not careers like medicine where one is away from home so much. I know his mother would think it disgusting. I don’t think it would go down very well at all.’

  ‘What matters is what Johnny will think. Other women get married and still have careers.’

  ‘Not many of them. I just don’t know. He talks about things like travelling and seeing wild parts of the world. I can’t see a career-minded wife fitting into all that.’

  Helen frowned. Are you telling me that you’d have to choose? Marriage to Johnny or your career?’

  Amy rested her head on her hands. ‘That’s what frightens me, Helen. I suppose I’ve just been a coward and put off telling him. Everything is so horrible in this war, so confused and chaotic. How can anyone make decisions about anything? I suppose I was hoping to leave it until the war was over. I never imagined it was going to last this long.’

  ‘What a situation.’ Helen said. ‘I think I’ve been lucky. We just fell in love and that was that. No problems.’

  ‘I envy you.’

  ‘You’ll have to tell him now,’ Helen said. ‘You won’t be able to hide it any longer.’

  ‘I know, but I want to do it when I’m with him.’

  ‘Can’t you just write to him?’

  ‘I’ll tell him next time I see him.’ She took Helen’s hand. ‘I might need a friend then.’

  ‘I’ll be here,’ Helen said.

  Amy reported to theatre and began to work again, watched over carefully by Dan. She seemed to be readily accepted and she knew why. It wasn’t the time for anyone to take attitudes about women doctors. But better than that, news of the success of the women’s surgical groups had reached the camp – Dr Hanfield in Paris and Dr Elsie Inglis with her Scottish Women’s Hospital at Royaumont. Dr Garrett Anderson had been given a hospital for the wounded in London. No one could say now that the women couldn’t do it. They were doing it, very successfully.

  New Year’s Eve came round. Someone produced a few bottles of wine
and the medical staff toasted the New Year in the mess hut. No one suggested singing ‘Auld Lang Syne’. The losses were too great, the lost family and friends too many.

  ‘1917,’ Helen said. ‘Do you think it will end this year? We just want to get married and settle down. It’s been two and a half years. Surely it can’t go on much longer.’

  ‘I don’t know Helen. We can only hope. Where’s Peter?’

  ‘In theatre – of course.’

  Dan came in. Amy gave him a little wave and he came over to her. ‘Happy New Year,’ he said.

  They met frequently now, in theatre or on the surgical wards. He certainly wasn’t trying to avoid her any more, she thought. He couldn’t if he tried. They stood beside each other every day at the operating table while he watched her and nodded his approval of her work. He treated her as a colleague and friend, nothing more. But occasionally, when she caught him unawares, he was looking at her with a thoughtful, speculative look that he quickly covered up.

  Someone gave him a glass of wine and he looked about him, saying hello to the other staff. How much he has changed, Amy thought. That diffident rather shy young man she had first met was gone for ever. His shoulders were broader and she could almost imagine that he had grown even taller. He was leaner, harder, as much a soldier now as a doctor. Doctors were not supposed to engage in any kind of fighting, but if push ever came to shove she would be glad to have Dan beside her.

  He looked down at her. ‘The last week has gone very well,’ he said. ‘I think I can safely tell Major Barnes that you can go it alone. I don’t think you need anyone to watch over you.’

  ‘Thank you, Dan,’ she said. ‘I wouldn’t be doing it at all if it wasn’t for you.’

  ‘Odd, isn’t it,’ he said, ‘how one used to worry about opening an abdomen? Now we see them every day. If only we had something for infection, something to kill the little blighters.’

  She nodded. ‘One feels so helpless, sometimes.’