Spar

by Nikko Lee

Randy nodded. “Did you notice Steve didn’t congratulate him?”

  Tyler had been so focused on congratulating Jaime without betraying too much of his excitement that Jaime had managed to grade two levels in one test that he had forgotten all about everyone else.

  “Do you think he’s going to have a hard time being the same rank as Jaime until he grades?” Randy asked. “He looked kind of pissed that he didn’t get to grade.”

  “He wasn’t ready. Jaime was.”

  Randy shrugged. “Maybe, but he might not see it that way.”

  Usually it was the white belts that had a hard time understanding not everyone graded at the same time or by the same standard. Tyler felt some responsibility to helping each student understand that everyone was equally judged by his or her own ability in the dojo.

  “I’ll talk to him before next class.” Tyler felt a little guilty for not noticing Steve’s reaction. As head black belt, Tyler should have taken him aside and assured him that Jaime’s progress was not a mark against his own accomplishments. Everyone’s path was different, as hard as that might be to accept. “Did you invite him to go for a drink at Chummy’s?”

  “He left before I could.”

  “I hope he understands. It will be his turn before he knows it.” Tyler pulled on a sweatshirt and started thinking about the night ahead. A little socializing could do him some good, especially if Jaime was going to be there. Tyler could wait to get him alone another hour. “It’s been ages since I’ve been out to the bar.”

  “Yeah, I didn’t think you went out in public anymore,” Randy said as Tyler stuffed the gi into his bag. “You aren’t turning into a hermit, are you?”

  “No, no.” Tyler zipped up the bag and swung it over his shoulder to make a quick exit. He had the feeling there was a lecture about his social life coming. “I’ve been hanging out with Jaime.”

  When Randy didn’t say anything, Tyler knew his answer wasn’t going to be sufficient. Randy was too good of a friend to let that slide and Tyler felt like he needed to reassure the man he was all right.

  “I thought I’d try being a bachelor for a while instead of jumping into another dead-end relationship.” Tyler cringed internally. Wasn’t that exactly what he was doing with Jaime? Where could that go? “I’m just taking a break.”

  “A break is one thing,” Randy said, “but it’s been months since you’ve gone on a date. Sooner or later you are going to have to get back on that horse.”

  For once in his life, Tyler was in no hurry to look for a girlfriend. What harm was there in having fun with Jaime? It wasn’t serious. At least that’s what he had been telling himself all along when they were fooling around or sneaking touches in the concealing shadows of a darkened movie theater. It was just another part of their game. He didn’t want to see Jaime get hurt. But that was just who Tyler was. He was always looking after the person he was with.

  “Sarah’s friend is going to be at the bar.” Randy interrupted Tyler’s thoughts. “Just be nice and be open to getting to know someone new.”

  “All right,” Tyler said if only to close the subject. “I’ll be nice.”

  * * * *

  Sarah’s friend, Erica, was waiting outside Chummy’s. Tyler hadn’t had the opportunity to warn Jaime. He seemed to be handling it. Maybe he didn’t care that Randy and Sarah were trying to set Tyler up with Erica. She turned out to be smart, interesting, and loved triathlons. Randy hadn’t undersold her. The problem was the only person Tyler could think of going home with that night was on the other side of her chatting with Sarah about campus life.

  “Have you ridden the Schoodic extension trails?” Erica drew Tyler’s attention away from Jaime.

  “They’re good.” Tyler tried to recall the last time he had been there. Mountain biking was just not something Jaime had any interest in. Tyler had tried to talk Jaime into it once, but Jaime was adamant he liked his bones in their original configuration. “Mostly packed dirt trails with some obstacles.”

  “Sounds like fun. Road cycling gets boring.” Sarah leaned toward him as she spoke. “I’d love to try out my new hybrid on some trails.”

  She seemed to be really interested in the cycling. It made Tyler want to get out there this weekend and see if it was as fun as he remembered it being.

  “I thought triathlons were mainly street events.”

  “They are.” Erica gave him a sly smile. “But I like a little more challenge sometimes.”

  As much as Tyler hated to admit it, he liked her enthusiasm.

  “Good,” Sarah joined in. “Because there’s no way I’m letting him take Randy out mountain-biking again.”

  “It was just a broken arm.”

  “You weren’t the one who had to take care of the big baby.” Sarah tossed a coaster at Tyler.

  “I wasn’t that bad,” Randy said, but the look from Sarah shut him up. “How about another round?”

  “That sounds like a good idea.” Sarah stood up as Randy did. “I’ve got to visit the lady’s room.”

  “I’ll join you,” Erica said.

  Before Tyler knew it, Jaime and he were alone at the table. Jaime was being particularly quiet. Other than asking some polite questions to Sarah and even Erica, he was keeping to himself. As they sat alone, he still kept his thoughts to himself.

  * * * *

  Jaime was so relieved testing was over he hardly noticed another person join them at the bar. Sarah greeted her friend Erica at Chummy’s with a big hug and the two started gabbing.

  When they settled into the semi-circular table, Jaime found himself between Sarah and Erica, with Randy and Tyler on the ends. Doing the math, Jaime quickly realized he was the odd man out. He made small talk and watched Erica flirt with Tyler, all the while biting the inside of his cheek.

  “I didn’t know she was coming,” Tyler said when they were finally alone.

  Jaime knew he had no right to feel jealous but that didn’t stop the sour taste from lingering in his mouth. Tyler scooted around the table and sat next to Jaime.

  “I couldn’t say no to going for drinks,” Tyler said while playing with the beer coaster only inches from Jaime. “It’s tradition whenever someone grades to black belt. Besides, you did great, too. I haven’t seen anyone grade two ranks in years. We should celebrate.”

  Jaime smiled in spite of his foul mood. Tyler could always make him feel better.

  “What did you have in mind?”

  Tyler leaned close and put his hand on Jaime’s knee. At first Jaime was taken aback then he realized that beneath the table, no one could see Tyler’s hand slide up his inner thigh. In a matter of seconds, Jaime had gone from irked to proud to horny as hell. He gnawed on his lower lip and wordlessly dared Tyler to go farther.

  “Make an excuse to leave,” Tyler said in a barely audible voice. He seemed to love teasing Jaime, especially in public when he knew Jaime would do nothing about it. It was their little game. Each time Tyler got bolder. Jaime wondered just how far he would go as long as there was a risk that someone would see them being more than friends. “I’ll follow you out in a few minutes. Then we can go back to my place, and I will congratulate you properly.”

  Jaime always waited for Tyler to set the limit of their interaction. He was feeling frisky tonight and Jaime was more than happy to match his moves. He leaned toward Tyler until he was close enough to touch.

  “I like that plan.” Jaime bit his lower lip, almost daring Tyler to kiss him.

  Tyler smiled, never taking his gaze from Jaime’s eyes. Time seemed to stand still. Even though Jaime could hear the milling of the bar patrons, it was distant and dim compared to the thundering of his heart. He longed to reach out and taste Tyler’s lips, but he didn’t dare in public. He had to wait for Tyler to make the first move no matter how badly he wanted to act on his desires.

  “Ahem.”

  The sound of Randy’s voice shattered the illusion of privacy. Tyler jumped away from Jaime, almost falling out of his chair in the process. Jai
me sat back and tried to look innocent. Randy stood beside the table with several pints precariously balanced in his arms.

  Randy glanced between Jaime and Tyler but didn’t say anything else about what he’d walked in on. “Little help?”

  * * * *

  “Sure, right.” Tyler took two of the pints and put them on the table then returned to his position at the edge of the bench so fast he nearly spilled half the contents of the glasses.

  The hurt expression on Jaime’s face stung Tyler. It only lasted a second before it was covered by Jaime’s tempered smile, but Tyler saw it and knew he was the cause of Jaime’s pain. Tyler wasn’t about to do anything else to deepen the questioning look in Randy’s eyes. That had been too close.

  Thankfully, the girls returned to the table before Randy could give voice to his thoughts.

  “What did we miss?” Sarah asked as she took her seat next to Jaime.

  “Nothing.” Tyler replied quicker than he should have.

  Jaime cleared his throat and drew the attention of everyone at the table. His mask of polite contentment was almost perfect. Tyler knew the others would be fooled, but he wasn’t. He could see the resentment simmering in Jaime’s deep brown eyes.

  “I’m afraid I’m going to have to call it a night,” Jaime said but reached for his glass. “Congratulations again, Sempai. Black suits you. Kompai.”

  Everyone raised their glass and toasted in unison.

  “Kompai.”

  As everyone took a drink, Tyler kept an eye on Jaime and tried to gauge how pissed he was. With his usual skill, Jaime avoided direct eye contact and looked past Tyler without actually looking at him.

  “Are you sure you have to go?” Sarah asked as Jaime finished the last of his beer.

  “I’ve got an early day tomorrow.” Jaime made his excuses as he stood. “Have a good night.”

  “It was nice to meet you.” Erica offered her hand to Jaime.

  He shook it politely, even though Tyler worried Jaime might be tempted to rip it off. Despite his fears, Jaime remained the picture of politeness. It only made Tyler worry all the more about what was going to happen when they were alone. That was, if he was still willing to see Tyler that night. Jaime might not stick to the plan and Tyler could be going home by himself tonight.

  “See you in class on Wednesday.” Randy didn’t look as sorry to see Jaime go as the girls.

  “Hai, Sempai.”

  Even though he didn’t have to, Jaime bowed to everyone at the table.

  “Bye, Jaime.”

  “Goodnight.”

  Tyler could feel Randy’s eyes on him as Jaime left.

  “So, Erica,” Tyler turned to face her. It was his attempt to shift Randy’s focus. “Sarah says you’re going into law this semester, too. What kind of law are you going to specialize in?”

  “I haven’t decided yet.”

  As eager as Tyler was to get out to his car and see if Jaime was waiting for him, he had to at least make an effort to engage Erica in conversation. Maybe then Randy would stop looking at him like he’d caught Tyler sneaking a cookie from the jar.

  By the time Randy stopped giving Tyler the evil eye, Erica had given him her number. Tyler had also promised to take her down the Schoodic extension on Saturday, but he could always cancel later. Weekends were devoted to keeping Jaime in bed until past noon. A glance at his watch revealed that nearly twenty minutes had gone by since Jaime had left. Tyler prayed Jaime was waiting for him. He’d take Jaime pissed over not at all.

  When Tyler got to the parking lot, he let out a sigh of relief seeing the profile of a figure by his car. The closer he got, the more details he could make out. The excited beat of his heart was replaced with dread. Everything from Jaime’s tense shoulders to his gaze focused on nothing said we need to talk.

  “I’m so sorry.” Tyler cut Jaime off before he could say anything. “It took me a lot longer than I thought it would to get away from the table.”

  “I’m sure Erica wouldn’t let you leave without getting your number.” Jaime kept his eyes focused on the ground beside Tyler’s feet.

  “Actually, she gave me hers.” It was meant to be a joke, but Tyler regretted it as soon as he’d said it. Jaime pinned him with a dead serious expression. “I wasn’t looking to pick her up.”

  “But it was a fix-up, right?”

  Tyler sighed. He’d rather spar than argue. Finding the right words was never his strong suit. He seemed to always get himself into deeper trouble, no matter what he said.

  “Randy thinks I’ve been out of commission for too long.” Tyler’s explanation had no effect on Jaime’s hostile disposition. “It wasn’t my idea. I didn’t know anything about it until Randy told me Sarah had invited her. I was just being friendly. What did you expect me to do? I told Randy I wasn’t interested in getting back into the dating scene.”

  * * * *

  Jaime crossed his arms over his chest.

  “But you didn’t tell him why, did you?”

  Seeing Erica flirt with Tyler was painful enough. Having Tyler bolt from Jaime’s side the second someone was watching them was as painful as any submission hold. Jaime felt his heart ripped from his chest and his lungs crushed all in one blow. Tyler couldn’t get away from him fast enough. The moment Erica returned, she became his focus. Jaime knew the rules when it came to his relationship—such as it was—with Tyler. That didn’t mean he didn’t feel rejected.

  Tyler took a step toward Jaime as if a touch or kiss in the parking lot was the same as showing Jaime real affection in public. Jaime raised his hand to stop Tyler.

  “You didn’t tell him you were involved with someone.” Jaime’s voice got tighter as he spoke. One-night stands never hurt like this. “You didn’t tell him who you were involved with.”

  “Jaime, please.” Tyler took another step toward him but Jaime’s outstretched arm remained rigid. He wasn’t about to let Tyler talk him back into bed. “You know how I feel about you.”

  “I know.” Jaime lowered his hand and his shoulders slumped. Somehow being Tyler’s secret lover wasn’t enough. Jaime wanted to go out on real dates and let others see how happy Tyler made him. But that wasn’t a part of their arrangement. “I’m your little gay fuck buddy. It’s all cool to kiss me and suck my cock when no one else is looking.”

  “I told you I wasn’t looking for anything serious.” Tyler looked surprised. Now it was his turn to take a step back.

  “I know,” Jaime whispered and shook his head. No matter how good it felt being with Tyler, Jaime needed someone he didn’t have to hide his feelings for. “And I’m the stupid fag who thought we had something more. This is why I don’t get involved. I thought I could keep from developing feelings for you. I thought it could just be about sex.”

  “What do you want from me?” Tyler said.

  “Something you aren’t ready to give me. Something you probably won’t ever be able to give.” Jaime threw up his hands and started to pace. “I want to hold hands in public. I want to kiss you just because I want to without worrying who might be watching. I want someone I can go out with and go home with. I want to be your boyfriend, not just someone to get your rocks off with. Don’t I deserve that?”

  When Jaime looked at Tyler, he knew this was his last chance to hold on to the guy. All Tyler had to do was tell him he deserved all those things and more. If Tyler would only say he was open to being out about their relationship, Jaime might have been able to give him a second chance. Instead, Tyler stood there with a pained expression on his face.

  Tyler didn’t say anything. Jaime nodded at his silent accession and started to walk away.

  “You aren’t going to quit karate, right?” Tyler said to Jaime’s back. “You promised this wouldn’t affect your training.”

  Jaime didn’t even turn around to face him. “I’ll be in class. But you’ll have to find another sparring partner.”

  Chapter 15

  It was going to take time to get over Jaime. Tyler knew a
s soon as he got into his car alone and realized he would also be going to bed alone. He must have sat in his car for an hour, replaying everything Jaime had said and every detail of his face as he turned away. He wasn’t ready to lose Jaime, but Tyler had made his choice by remaining silent.

  The next morning when Tyler woke, he knew what he would find when he opened his eyes. Instead of facing that reality, his thoughts drifted back to the last time the two of them had been in Tyler’s bed. The sheets still smelled of Jaime’s cologne. Tyler knew Jaime had left a shirt or two in his laundry. Maybe Jaime would forget Tyler had them. Tyler resisted the urge to pull one out of the pile of dirty clothes just to have something to hang on to.

  The day came and went in a fog of memories and emotions he knew would fade with time. They always did after a breakup. But this time Tyler wanted to know exactly how long it would take him to stop seeing Jaime walk away from him. Sometimes he would imagine himself reaching out. Every time he did, Jaime was already gone. The hardest part was accepting Jaime was actually no longer his. Breaking up was always shitty, but this was like having his heart ripped out and replaced—only to be ripped out again. The worst part was Tyler knew it was his fault.

  Another day and the pain was no less. It was Wednesday and the thought of seeing Jaime in class was almost as bad as fearing he wouldn’t show.

  “I’m sorry, Sensei Melissa, I’m not feeling well tonight.” Tyler hadn’t expected her to take the call so close to class time. He wasn’t sure what she would hear in his voice so he kept it simple. It wasn’t a lie, but he wasn’t about to go into detail.

  “I understand, Tyler,” Sensei Melissa said. “You haven’t missed a single class in three years. I think you are allowed a sick night once in a while.”

  “Thank you for understanding, Sensei.” Tyler was relieved she wasn’t going to press him for an explanation.

  “Take care of yourself, Tyler. And if you need anything let me know.”

  “I just need a little rest.” The guilt at missing class was already starting to make him reconsider.

  “I’ll let Jaime know you won’t be around to spar with after class.”