The Complete Adventures of Toffee

by Charles F. Myers

  “That’s the good boy,” Julie approved nastily. “Now just hold it.” Moving swiftly to Marc’s desk, she picked up a heavy ornate inkwell. Raising it over her head, she sighted a target squarely between Marc’s bewildered eyes.

  “Stop!” Dr. Polk was suddenly at her side, grasping her arm, “You mustn’t do that, madam,” he cried. “Your husband is a sick man.”

  “He’s going to be a lot sicker when I get through with him,” Julie grated. “The rip has probably been revelling around behind my back all the time.”

  She continued to rage. But she became so absorbed in an analytical description of Marc and all his forebears, she wasn’t aware of the doctor removing the inkwell from her hand and leading her toward the door. It was unfortunate, though, that in passing George’s chair her foot fell against the bottle standing beside it. For a moment the bottle teetered dangerously, then righted itself as though of its own will.

  “Pick up your clumsy wedgies, tanglefoot,” came George’s voice. “What are you trying to do, trample the place down?”

  MIRACULOUSLY, the doctor managed to pull Julie out of the office. But he didn’t get the door closed in time to ward off her final shriek of outrage. It was enough to sear the paint from the walls.

  “I’ll see you in court, Marc Pillsworth!” she yelled.

  The minute the door closed Marc leaped for George’s chair. Groping for the spirit, he was rewarded with a foolish giggle.

  “Stop it!” George tittered foolishly. “You tickle!”

  Marc’s hand finally came in contact with what seemed to have the general feel of an arm. He tugged at it. “Get up,” he commanded. “We’re getting out of here.”

  “Where we going?” George’s voice asked.

  “I don’t know,” Marc sighed wearily. “Anywhere. Come on!”

  The arm rose under his hand and the bottle beside the chair suddenly darted into the air and remained there, lazily suspended. Reassured, Marc moved away, and the bottle followed. At the door to the photographer’s room, he knocked. “Come on out!” he called. “They’re gone. We’ve got to get out of here before they come back.”

  A key scraped in the lock, and the door inched warily open. Finally, Toffee’s head appeared in the opening. “What happened?” she asked innocently.

  “What a time you picked to play footsie!” Marc groaned reprovingly. “Come on, let’s go.”

  The door opened and Toffee stepped out, a wayward vision in a black lace negligee. The garment, inspired by the peek-a-boo idea, had been translated by Toffee’s lovely figure into a wide open stare. In terms of visibility, the ceiling was practically unlimited.

  A low whistle generated from the vicinity of the dangling bottle at Marc’s side. But Marc’s own reaction was somewhat varied.

  “Good night,” he said. “Did you have to pick that? It’s darned near the nakedest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s indecent.”

  “Thanks,” Toffee said sweetly. “I knew you’d like it.” She fell into a languorous pose beside the door. “By the way, what is the nakedest thing you’ve ever seen? It might be interesting to know.”

  “You and your evil mind,” Marc sneered. “Anyway, we haven’t time for that. We’ve got to get out of here.” He grabbed Toffee by the arm and shoved her toward the door at the rear of the office. “We can go down the fire escape, into the parking lot. Julie probably left the car there, and we’ll need it.”

  Toffee continued to the door, opened it and passed through, holding her lacies daintily away from the floor. “I’ll bet it wasn’t the naked truth,” she murmured reflectively.

  ON THE summit, under the roseate glow of a pink-and-lavender sunset, it was even conceivable that life could be beautiful. Scented breezes played wantonly among the pines. Everything dwelt under a spell of hushed loveliness there. That was before the blue convertible charged onto the scene in a heavy cloud of dust and dark words.

  The car seemed almost in the throes of a spasm. Appearing to paw the pavement with its tires like a live and avenging thing, it sighted the nearest pine and charged it headlong. Then, at the last possible moment, it veered in the opposite direction and transferred its attack to the guard rail on the far side of the road. Rushing to the brink, it peered momentarily into the canyon below, hastily reconsidered, and reeled back to safety, its tires screaming with fright. Then, its passions apparently expended, it came to a sudden, jolting halt. Everything was quiet, except for a loud hissing sound.

  Marc’s voice was shaken, but nonetheless sincere. “You ever do anything like that again,” he said heavily, “and I’ll wring your ectoplasmic neck. Now we’ve got a flat.”

  On the other side of the car, George, now fully materialized, sighed resignedly and leaned his head back against the cushions. “I don’t see why you’re making such a stink about it,” he said drowsily. “Why don’t you just try looking at this thing from my side for a change? After all, you’ve got to pop off sometime. Now, just one good twist of that wheel and everything would be over in a second. Splat!”

  Marc winced as George’s hands slapped together. The word “splat” was too descriptive. “Wouldn’t you know it?” he lamented. “Wouldn’t you know that my own ghost would turn out to be a homicidal drunk? Why can’t you be satisfied with just ruining my life? Isn’t that enough?”

  George shrugged, and reaching for the bottle at his side, helped himself to a long drink. Winking at Toffee, who was seated between him and Marc, he burped and vanished completely. “My head aches,” his voice came back dispassionately from space. And almost at once soft snoring began to issue from his side of the car.

  “I shouldn’t wonder his head aches,” Toffee mused. “He’s the most loaded spirit I’ve ever seen.” She giggled. “A spirit full of spirits.”

  “This,” Marc said sourly, “is no time to crack bum jokes.” He opened the car door and stepped out onto the road. “I’ll have to change that tire.”

  A moment later, business-like scrapings and clankings in the rear of the car announced that Marc had set to work. Toffee leaned back and gazed absently out of the window. There wasn’t much to see, only a lot of trees and bushes. And everything, to her way of thinking, was entirely too quiet. For a time she toyed with the idea of rousing George, but finally decided against it.

  Then there was a faint rustling sound and Toffee glanced up to see a man scurrying out of the bushes at the side of the road. He was old, except for his eyes, which were remarkably blue and clear, though rather eclipsed by two enormous shaggy eyebrows. The rest of his face was nothing more than a tangle of yellowish grey hair, for there was no telling where his hair left off and his beard began. His clothes were in such a state of disintegration as to make them unattractive to street urchins in sub-zero weather.

  “Howdy,” the old fellow rasped. He locked a bony hand over the edge of the car door and peered at Toffee nearsightedly.

  “Howdy,” Toffee replied, glad even for this diversion. “What can I do for you?”

  “I was wonderin’,” the old fellow said with sudden shyness, “if you’d like some squeezin’?”

  Toffee started visibly. “Aren’t you being a little direct?” she asked coolly. “Do I look like the sort that would be interested in your squeezings?”

  “They’re mighty good,” the old fellow went on hopefully, “I’ll let you have ’em at a bargain, too.”

  “What!” There was real shock in Toffee’s voice. “You expect me to pay you for these ... ah ... squeezings, as you so quaintly call them?”

  “Naturally,” the old man nodded. “Can’t give ’em away, you know.”

  “I should think not!” Toffee cried. “Not to me, you couldn’t. I wouldn’t have them if you paid me.”

  “I could give you a sample,” the old fellow offered. His smile was starkly toothless.

  TOFFEE edged quickly away. “No, thank you,” she said loftily. “In fact, I’d really rather not hear any more about it. Why don’t you just take your filthy-minded squeezing
s and slither back into the bushes where you came from? For my part, I’ll just sit here and try to forget everything you’ve said.”

  “Well, okay,” the old man said sadly, “but you don’t know what you’re missin’.”

  He started to turn away, but Toffee suddenly held out a restraining hand. It was too late now. She was already intrigued. Maybe there was something here she should know about. “Wait,” she said, lowering her voice. “If you can tell me in a nice way, what’s so terrific about these squeezings of yours?”

  “They send you clean outa this world,” the old man grinned. “Just alittle bit, and you won’t even know what hit you.”

  Toffee frowned. “It seems you could be a little more modest about it,” she reproved. “Aren’t you married?”

  “Oh, Lord, yes,” the old man sighed wearily.

  “Doesn’t your wife mind you running around, doing all this squeezing?”

  “Naw. The old lady helps me.”

  “What!” Toffee looked horrified. “You mean she’s mixed up in this squeezing business too!”

  “Sure. Her and the whole family.”

  “Oh, my gosh!” Toffee moaned. “This is too much. I suppose it shows a nice enterprising spirit on the part of you and your family, but isn’t it all a little hard to get used to?”

  The old man shook his head. “Don’t know why it should be,” he mused. “You city people sure do get some strange notions in your heads.”

  “We don’t hold a candle to you country people,” Toffee retorted. “But I suppose, being up here alone and all, squeezings do begin to take on a certain importance after a while.”

  “That’s right,” the old man agreed. “They’re mighty comfortin’ on a cold night. Mighty nice when everyone’s scrouged up around the fire.”

  “Scrouged up?” Toffee asked timidly. “You mean you have to be scrouged up for these squeezings?”

  Marc suddenly appeared at the opposite window, wiping his hands on a rag with an air of finality. He regarded the old man mildly. “What can I do for you, old timer?” he asked.

  “For heaven’s sake!” Toffee cried imploringly. “Don’t ask him!”

  “What?” Marc stared at her questioningly.

  “The old boy’s as daffy as a snowball in July,” Toffee whispered. “He’s wild on the idea of going around squeezing people. He claims it’s more darned fun. Says he has some sort of new technique or something where people get all scrouged up, whatever that means. He started harping about it the minute he got his nose out of those bushes. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever listened to.”

  “I saw you folks stopped down here,” the old man put in, “and I thought you might like some real mountain squeezin’s. How about it, mister?”

  “You see!” Toffee cried. “He’s off on it again. Him and his squeezings! It’s likely that if I have to listen to any more about either of them I’ll be a gibbering idiot.”

  The old man looked distressed. “I think there’s somethin’ serious wrong with that gal,” he told Marc regretfully. “I didn’t want to tell her to her face, but she’s too excitable. She got all skitterish just because I tried . . .”

  “And who wouldn’t get skitterish,” Toffee snapped, “with old gophers leering out of the bushes, trying to squeeze them? It’s enough to unbalance anyone.”

  “I didn’t try to squeeze you, lady,” the old man retorted with unexpected heat. “And I didn’t leer neither.”

  Anger suddenly flared in Toffee’s green eyes. “Don’t you try to deny it, you old hayseed!” she yelled. “I remember every word you said.”

  MARC rushed into the breach. “Stop this wrangling,” he commanded. “Let’s get to the bottom of this thing.” He turned to the old man. “Did you or did you not try to ... ah ... squeeze this young lady?”

  “At my age?” the old man asked forlornly. “What do you think? I just came down here to sell you folks some corn squeezin’s. I didn’t know it was goin’ to make all this trouble. Now I just want to forget the whole thing and go away. I think I’ll go into the hog business.”

  “Corn squeezings?” Marc asked. “What’s that?”

  “It’s a kind of likker,” the old man said uninterestedly, as though it really didn’t matter any more. “I make it myself. I got a still up yonder on the mountain. Right now I’m goin’ up there and lay into the damn thing with a sledge hammer.”

  “Oh,” Toffee breathed embarrassedly. “So that’s all it was!” She reached a hand to Marc’s sleeve. “Maybe we ought to buy some of his . . .” she shied away from the word, “that stuff. Just to make it up to him. It seems the least we can do.”

  Marc nodded and turned to the old man. “Don’t take it so hard, old timer,” he said sympathetically. “You just made a sale the hard way.”

  It was some time before Marc and Toffee emerged from the woods and started down the hill toward the car. Leaving the shadows of the great pines, they stepped into a path of shimmering bright moonlight. Over one shoulder, Marc carried an old-fashioned jug, and his face had rather a wooden look about it, though it was set in a blissful smile. Toffee moved loose-jointedly along at his side, softly singing a song about a girl named Lil who had suffered a rather devastating fall from grace at a shockingly early age. They moved lightly and silently down the hillside like a pair of enchanted shadows. It was just as they were approaching the car that Marc suddenly stopped and grasped Toffee’s arm.

  “You hear voices?” he whispered thickly.

  Toffee leaned forward in a listening attitude, “I think so,” she said, “but they may be in my head.” She leaned forward again, and after a moment, nodded vigorously. A voice that sounded like a bucksaw drawn across a block of cement was coming from somewhere on the other side of the car.

  “I looked everywhere, Marge,” it said, “but I ain’t seen nothin’.”

  “But I hear it,” a feminine voice replied. “It sounded like it’s somewhere inside the car.”

  The woman’s voice was the perfect mate to the one that had spoken first; it was as husky as an acre of Iowa corn.

  “It’s the most gruesome thing I’ve ever heard,” the first voice continued. “What’ll we do?”

  “Look again. Whatever it is, it must be sufferin’ somethin’ awful.”

  The golden beam of a flashlight suddenly stretched out over the hood of the car, then moved back swiftly toward the interior. Marc started forward. “Company,” he murmured happily. Then he called out; “Hello, there!”

  Two startled faces instantly appeared over the top of the car. They were quite distinct in the bright moonlight. One was large and hard looking, like a product of Bethlehem Steel. The other was small, but all the worse for hard wear. Surrounded by a mop of gauzy blond hair, its makeup had been ladled on by a hand that was more lavish than loving. The owner of the large, hard head was the first to speak.

  “Where did you come from?” he asked.

  “From heaven,” Marc answered inanely. “That’s what my folks said.”

  “Holy smoke!” the man said, turning to his companion, “Marge! Look at that dame! She aint got nothin’ on but a bunch of holes and a lot of skin!”

  “Watch your temperature, Pete,” Marge replied menacingly. “Remember what happened when I caught you with that blonde in Des Moines?”

  PETE was immediately subdued. He fastened his eyes on Marc and carefully kept them there. By this time Marc and Toffee had reached the car and were moving toward the newcomers. The pair with the flashlight seemed to regard them with suspicion,

  “You hillbillies?” the man named Pete asked. It was the forlorn conversational effort of a subnormal personality.

  “Hah!” It was Marge who spoke up. “Just look at that dame, Pete. Does she make you think of hillbillies?”

  “She makes me think of a lot of things,” Pete answered promptly.

  “Look, sister,” Marge said, turning to Toffee. “You better clear outa here. You and me, we’re goin’ to tangle if you don’t.”
>
  “Just because the boy shows a little good taste?” Toffee asked archly.

  “He’s got taste,” Marge retorted, “like a mouth full of quinine.”

  “That must be why he got mixed up with you,” Toffee said sweetly. “I understand there are things written on washroom walls about dames like you.”

  Marge made a small snarling noise, then lunged toward Toffee. “Oh, what a fresh babe!” she screamed. “I oughta belt you one. We’ll just see how smart you are. I’ll rip that sleezy dress right offa your back!”

  Toffee ducked quickly behind Marc. “You rip off this dress,” she giggled, “and you’ll see a whale of a lot more than how smart I am.”

  That one stopped Marge cold. A naked redhead was bound to create more of a disturbance in Pete’s life than just a fresh one dressed in lace. She was forced to content herself with only a murderous glare, but she put her all into it.

  Marc, who had been watching these developments with an air of detached amusement, stepped forward, removing Toffee’s protection. “You’re all upset,” he said to Marge, lowering the jug from his shoulder. “Have some squeezin’s.”

  “Say,” Marge drawled in a voice that was not altogether displeased, “are you tryin’ to make a pass at me?”

  “It’s liquor,” Marc answered amiably. “It hits the spot.”

  “Oh.” Marge accepted the jug, tilted it and took a long, accomplished swallow. “Wow!” she gasped. “That stuff not only hits the spot, mister, it completely demolishes it. I bet my breath is radioactive.”

  Marc took the jug from her and turned it over to Pete, who drank from it deeply, without so much as a tremor. When the jug was returned, Marc put it on the ground. “Say,” he said, “you two were looking for something when we came along. Can we help? What was it?”

  “The owner of this here car,” Pete said. “We can hear him snorin’ in there, but I’m damned if we can find him.”