Thief: X

by E. I. Jennings,

  “Is it that hard to believe? I didn’t have much choice on the matter really, so now you’re stuck with me and when I mean ‘stuck’ I mean out of sight.” Adram snorted, “Why don’t you just poof out and meet us at home?”

  Adram wrapped him arms around Wolfie’s and Sister Succubus’ waists and walked them towards Betty, “What and miss the chance to sit in the middle of these two darlings? Please!” He said looking over his shoulder at me winking. Adram was the reason I had perpetual eye ache from the amount I rolled them at him.

  I threw my hands in the air in defeat, deciding that one bottle of vodka wasn’t going to be enough. However it was worth it watching a wolf, succubus and a demon trying to get into the back seat of a Volkswagen Beetle. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Adram’s Peacock tail wasn’t trying to get up close and personal with sister succubus, who was trying and failing to bat it away from her. Unfortunately, the silence from Marshall was deafening,

  “You still not talking to me?”

  “Of course I’m talking to you. It’s just that…”

  “What?” I could feel my grip tightening on the steering wheel,

  “I didn’t think you could be so heartless.” He stroked Cerberus who was now rolling around in his lap, lucky dog,

  “You mean the whole not wanting to stage a massive rescue because I knew we’d get caught?”

  “Yeah. You knew it was the right thing to do, but you refused point blank.”

  “And look how well it turned out when I gave in to your guilt trip and came back.” I was much better at being bad,

  “I thought you got caught trying to escape?” So he really did think so little of me,

  “No! I was actually trying the rescue thing and ended up tied up naked, upside down. I really shouldn’t have even tried.”

  “But you did…why?” Because I was a fool for listening to a man I really wanted to crawl all over,

  “Because of you.” My eyes locked onto his and I sighed. This bad girl wanted to do some really naughty things.

  Suddenly I felt the steering wheel jerk, “Eyes on the road!” Marshall shouted, bringing me out of my lust filled day dream,

  “I saw it!” I yelled back, “It’s my car and I can go as fast as I like.” Just to prove my point I put my foot on the accelerator, swerving around cars as fast as Betty could go.

  Adram poked his head between the seats, “Errr love, do you mind taking it easy a little. You know I get car sick.”

  “Then just poof!”

  “One does not simply ‘poof’ my dear!” I slammed my foot on the break hoping Adram would fly forward and out the windscreen but nothing happened. I tried again and again,

  “Well I don’t mean to alarm anyone but we don’t seem to have any brakes.” I said calmly.

  Chapter Seventeen

  What had I done to deserve my life? A week ago it was full of sin, debauchery and badassery. Now? I was screaming, clutching Betty’s steering wheel with all the strength I had, surrounded by people who had crept into my life. Unfortunately, they were also screaming, well except for Adram. He was shrieking like a banshee while trying to feel up Wolfie and Sister Succubus. I was better off on my own with the occasional Adram interference. The mighty X was reduced to looking like an idiot who couldn’t even find a fugly clown with a hygiene problem.

  “Do something!” Adram screamed in my ear,

  “What? What would you like me to do Adram?”

  “We’re all going to die!” I would have taken him seriously if he didn’t have a hand down Wolfie’s top with a stupid grin on his face.

  I had to get off the motorway and quickly or this was going to end badly. Cerberus had shimmied herself up Marshall’s top, while he looked at the passing cars in horror as I swerved around them. Yes, I had to do something but I had no idea what…yet.

  Betty may not have been the fastest car on the road, but at this speed she could do some nasty damage. Finally I had an idea, or I thought I had,

  “Where the hell is my ring?” Why hadn’t I noticed it before?

  “We’re about to die and you’re bitching about losing your ring?” If looks could kill, Sister Succubus would be pushing up daisies right this second. Oh how I wished for that super power.

  “Urgh!” I turned the steering wheel as far as I could, skidding off onto the exit ramp. I smiled a little inside as I watched Sister Succubus face plant the window. At least we were off the motorway. “I suggest you all hold onto something.”

  “She said something, not my boobs!” Wolfie said smacking Adram’s hands away yet again.

  Luckily there wasn’t any traffic and for once it looked like I was being given a break, just not the set I needed to make Betty stop. I opened my door and felt Marshall’s hand grip on my arm,

  “What’re you doing? We’re going too fast for you to jump.” Marshall looked concerned and without my ring this would be a little harder. I smiled at him and then placed my hand on Betty’s metal dash,

  “This would be easier if I had my ring because a Hell diamond is much stronger than Betty. If my foot falls off make a note of where it is will you?” I took off my shoe and tried to aim at Adram’s head,

  “What?” There was a huge possibility that my foot would snap off under the pressure but it wouldn’t kill me.

  “Just take hold of the wheel a second while I concentrate.”

  Placing my other hand on Betty’s door I felt the metal under my fingertips. I couldn’t change part of me like I’d done before because the force of the impact would rip me apart. Betty just wasn’t strong enough, so I had to become the extra leverage. I concentrated until I could see every molecule and I pushed the change over me. I felt my feet tingle first, my nerve endings being replaced with cold hard steel. The coolness ran up my spine and out across my skin. I didn’t know how I could function like this, after all my internal organs were now redundant. I wasn’t even sure I was breathing when I changed all of me,

  “When I put my foot down you need to turn the steering wheel as far left as it can go and it will get bumpy.” Marshall was looking at me again, his emerald eyes shining. I wasn’t sure whether it was in amazement or fear. As I looked at myself in the mirror it was probably fear and my own eyes had taken on a metallic shine. He nodded at me while trying to keep Cerberus from going any higher under his shirt.

  As soon as he had a good enough grip I slammed my foot down on the road. Sparks flew and Betty tried desperately to jerk to the right. I could feel the bottom of my foot getting hotter and hotter as Marshall struggled to keep the wheels straight. One foot just wasn’t enough. I turned sideways on the seat until both my legs dangled out the door. I gripped the roof, forcing my hands to melt into Betty’s metal frame. Unfortunately I’d also taken on the properties of rust thanks to Betty’s age and as I slammed my feet on the road again, I watched as my big toe decided to snap off. It was a good job my nerve endings weren’t working because no doubt that would have stung like hell. This time I could feel us slowing. I’d need a very long foot massage after this but it was working. For once, long legs were coming in useful as I felt Marshall steering us to the side of the road. As soon as we stopped I peeled my hands free and literally fell out the car,

  “What the hell are you?” Wolfie said, peering over the front seat to look at me,

  “It’s a very long story.” I panted. I let the power drain from me until the pink of my flesh was visible. Full changes took a lot out of me and if I wasn’t so filled up on sin I would probably be passed out again. “Anyone know where we are?” I was changing the subject, and quickly. There was no way I was talking about Cain when he’d been quiet for the last couple of days. You know the saying ‘talk of the Devil and he shall appear’? Yeah, well there’s truth in that and it’d be just my luck Cain would come walking out the forest just to make my day even worse.

  Marshall had put Cerberus on the seat and had come to help me up. I still couldn’t get over the fact that the gate keeper of Hell decided to look
like a Chihuahua.

  “Looks like the middle of nowhere.” Marshall said helping me to my feet. Why did his hand feel so good all of a sudden?

  “No shit, Sherlock!” I couldn’t help being sarcastic when people pointed out the obvious. I pushed his hand away and stormed around Betty.

  Opening the passenger side door I came face to face with Cerberus,

  “Grrrrrrrrrr.” Great a jealous dog to boot,

  “Grrrr to you too!” I rummaged in the glove box until I found what I was looking for,

  “You keep a satellite phone in your glove box?” Wasn’t Wolfie full of questions today?

  “In my line of work I keep a lot of things in my glove box.” I pulled out a small tin and quickly stuffed it into my pocket.

  “Adram, what’s the Major’s number?”

  “What?” For a second I wondered why his voice was muffled until I looked up,

  “Do I need to find a hosepipe to hose you down with? And for goodness sakes Sister just smack him round the head or he’ll be in your cleavage all day. He doesn’t need to breathe!”

  “She won’t admit she likes it. I can feel her demon side humming when I do it. It’s hard to restrain your Succubus nature isn’t it pet?” With that she did hit him and he ricocheted around poor Betty like a pinball until he fell at my feet. “I like that one.” He smiled,

  “You like everything that moves. Now, what’s the Major’s number? I know you have it.” He rummaged in his pocket and pulled out a scrunched up card,

  “Do you think it’s a good idea to call him?”

  “Is this his private number?” Adram nodded. I punched in the number and waited for it to ring,

  “What do you want?” It was definitely the Major’s gruff tone that crackled through the earpiece,

  “Son of a bitch you tried to kill us!” I ranted for a full ten minutes at him. I paced up and down, watching everyone slowly moving from my proximity.

  Of course, according to the Major, he had nothing to do with it. No one but him and a couple of other people had access to Betty while he was holding her prisoner. I demanded a list. Betty might just be a car to him but she was the first thing I’d ever owned that was mine. She was family. If I could have slammed the phone down I would have. The Major was such an arrogant bastard. I saw Adram being pushed towards me by everyone else. Chicken shits.

  “What!” I yelled in his face and he flinched,

  “What did he say?” His eye twitched, while waiting for my response,

  “Oh for goodness sakes, Adram stop twitching. He’s sending out someone to pick us up. Be at least half an hour or so and swears he had nothing to do with Betty’s brakes suddenly failing. My arse of course, but he was persistent. Now, if you’ll excuse me I really need a pee and unless you get out of my way I’ll be peeing on your shoes.” He winced and moved out my way as I marched into the woods.

  I bet everyone thought I was in a permanent bad mood but I really wasn’t. I accepted contracts, completed them, and got paid. That was it, no emotional connection, and I got to fill up on sin as a little extra. I was in a mood, but could you blame me? Who wouldn’t be in my shoes? I was having a ‘woman moment’ as Adram put it. He thought I was about to have a mini meltdown but all I truly wanted was a pee in peace. As there were no amenities nearby I was going to have to pee in a bush and knowing my luck, get poison ivy on my sensitive bits and yet I was overreacting.

  Squatting in a bush was every woman’s nightmare but thanks to my paranoia I was jumpy and when I heard a twig snap I was attacking. Mid-air I noticed it was Marshall but I couldn’t stop my momentum. We ended up rolling in the grass with my knickers around my ankles. Yeah it was such a great look.

  “Why the hell are you sneaking up on me?" I was pinning him to the ground and didn’t his body feel good? I shot up, not liking where my thoughts wanted to go,

  “I wasn’t exactly sneaking. A guy needs to pee too you know? I was just walking back when you jumped me.” He brushed the dirt from his butt and my brain decided to have wicked thoughts about rope again,

  “Ok, I admit I’m a little jumpy but every time I’ve had a moment to myself somethings happened and I find myself blown up or punched. Can you blame me?”

  “Actually no, I don’t.” I shrugged and sat on a fallen tree, hoping there was nothing supernatural using it as a home. You never really knew anymore. “What’s the deal with Dorian anyway?” Well, that was a question I hadn’t expected,

  “Why?” I motioned for him to sit on the log opposite but he squished himself next to me. I pulled the tin out of my pocket and opened it. A small pop sounded and I smiled,

  “Is that a…”

  “Joint? Yep. The Texas Ranger doesn’t approve? I’m shocked to my very core.” Sarcasm was my best friend,

  “Only because that shit will kill you.” He actually sounded concerned,

  “Me? Surely not!” I laughed and lit it using the box of matches I always stashed with it. The first puff was heaven as the sin of it rushed through me. Being naughty was very good for me. Marshall shook his head and I smiled knowing he whole heartedly disapproved,

  “So, Dorian?” I rolled my eyes and blew a puff of smoke in his face, “Stop avoiding the question.” He wafted the smoke out of his eyes and glared. Those emerald greens were going to be the death of me, maybe. “He’s not human is he?" I snorted at Marshall’s prediction,

  “Actually he is.”

  “But I saw how quickly he healed. That’s not normal.”

  “In my world nothing’s exactly normal but Dorian, he’s in a league of his own.” I laughed because that was such an understatement, “And he basically got me in this mess in the first place but he’s one hundred percent human. He just happens to be one hundred percent cursed as well and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer person.” There was my sarcasm coming out again,

  “People can actually be cursed?”

  “I know for a non-believer it’s hard to understand but you’re in this world now and believe me, cursing is really, really common. That whole Salem thing in the States was because of a stupid demon influencing witches to curse everything in sight. Dorian on the other hand made somewhat of a stupid deal that he didn’t realise would end up in a curse.”

  “He doesn’t seem the easiest person to fool.”

  “He was a product of his time I suppose.” I sighed. I could never decide why I liked Dorian, it was probably because he was so much trouble,

  “How old is he exactly?” Now he was starting to catch on. If you really looked at Dorian you could see his dress sense was from a different age and if he called me love once more I was going to stab him in the eye,

  “I thought I’d found his birth certificate once and it listed his date of birth as 1861 but like most things it can be faked. It’s a sore subject with him unfortunately and I’ve never managed to find anything else other than a photo dated 1889, a year before Oscar Wilde introduced his ‘character’ in a manuscript. He looked in his twenties, but he still does.”

  “So, his curse was immortality? It doesn’t seem all that bad.” Marshall shrugged.

  “In a fashion. The way he tells it is that he commissioned a portrait of himself and he began talking ‘theoretically’ to the artist. What if a portrait existed that took on all your sin, debauchery, pain, illness and mortality? The artist simply asked what would you give for it to be real? Of course Dorian thought he was still having that ‘theoretical’ debate and agreed his soul would be an adequate payment. The painting was completed and he thought that was that. He hung his portrait in his library, until he was murdered one night for his pocket watch. He woke up in a cart being ‘removed’ from his own murder scene. All I know from there was when he got home his portrait was covered in blood. It was the last night he ever had it on display. The rest, shall we say, is history. His portrait is his mortality and he walks around with no soul.” Marshall whistled at my tall tale,

  “And you trust him?”

  “Not as
far as I could throw him.” I took another puff and offered it to Marshall who shook his head,

  “Are you cursed too?” I’d been waiting for him to ask,

  “I suppose I am but not in the same way. I was born this way.”

  “Even with the scars on your wrists?” I took one last puff and put the joint out on the log, placing it back in the tin.

  “My scars have nothing to do with you!” Yes it was a sore subject and this was now the second time he’d mentioned it. This was the reason I covered them because I didn’t need the questions.

  “No one has scars like that unless…” I’d never been so thankful for a Pixie arrow to hit me in the forehead, “What the hell?”

  “Ha, Pixies! I suggest we run because their arrows are poisonous.” I could already feel the poison trying to attack me. All it managed to do was sting. It was better that Marshall didn’t know it should have been lethal, “I think we may have been sat on their home.”

  With that we ran as tiny arrows flew past us. If the Pixies were really annoyed they would have aimed a lot better. This was just a show to illustrate their territory and the fact I wasn't collapsed dead, gave them a lot to think about. As we skidded to the road the Major’s lackey had pulled up and I looked behind me to tiny, little, men with wings shaking their fists at us. I flipped them the bird and strolled to the huge, black Hummer, which wasn’t conspicuous at all. I smiled at everyone else who had already made their way inside,

  “Do I want to know what that was all about and why you’re both hot and sweaty?” Adram waggled his eyebrows at me and I threw my tin at his head,

  “No, go hit on the driver!” I panted,

  “As you wish.” He smiled and clambered onto the front seat next to the hot looking soldier in a black uniform. I think this was the first time the soldier had ever been scared in his life but then again Adram looked like his normal demon self.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I slammed my front door behind me. I was getting grumpier by the minute until Smidge rubbed against my legs,