Thief: X

by E. I. Jennings,

  “Bloody hell, I wondered where those had gone.” I looked up to see Cain peering over me,

  “I’m not in the mood.” I didn’t even make the effort to move,

  “You’re no fun.” Instead of trying to help me up he lay down next to me and folded his arms behind his neck,

  “That hurt.” I said referring to the pain from the gauntlets,

  “Nothing in life is free. You should know that. Isn’t it time you killed something?” I turned my head and saw him grinning,

  “I’ve been a tad busy if you haven’t noticed.”

  “Well you certainly haven’t been baking cookies. I thought all women could cook?”

  “Stop being sexist.”

  “I’m just saying. In my time…”

  “Oh shut up. The end is coming isn’t it?” I really didn’t want to bring it up but everything was starting to fit into place,

  “Maybe…maybe not. You have the tools to survive whatever’s coming now and I will be coming for you. Unfortunately you also have to deal with that horrid clown and Dorian. Did I mention I don’t like him?”

  “Repeatedly.”

  “I take it you’ve finally figured out the clown is a sin eater and that poor excuse of a man cut your brakes?” He was laughing and I really wanted to punch him,

  “Yep and you could have just told me.”

  “And where’s the fun in that?”

  “Can you just go back to the apocalypse dreams? You talking is getting on my nerves.” I sighed and closed my eyes.

  “Drink this Alex, you’ll feel better.”

  “Fuck off Cain.” I sighed,

  “Oh my God. You’re connected to him!” Only one person could get that excited over Cain. I cracked one eye open enough to see Father Thomas kneeling in front of me,

  “Urgh.” I groaned,

  “Sorry, drink this…” I looked at it and raised an eyebrow, “…it’s safe Alex.”

  “What is it?” For all I knew it would turn me into a gargoyle or something equally as hideous,

  “Liquid sin.”

  “You’ve got to be joking?” I sat up and looked at the bottle of amber liquid,

  “Sin eaters work for the Vatican, remember?”

  “Not the ones that get excommunicated.” Nor the ones that dress up like a carnival reject,

  “How many times do I need to apologise? I had good intentions, you know that.”

  “Give me the bottle.” I sighed and was so glad I had my hands back.

  I took a swing and felt the sin settle in. It wasn’t anything major, probably someone cursing but it felt good.

  “Take it slowly. I have more if you need it.” He pointed at an old cast iron safe,

  “And to think I’ve been doing it the old fashioned way all these years.” I joked but my laugh came out insincere,

  “That was quite genius using a Madam like that,”

  “Is there any part of my life you haven’t watched?” I internally cringed at the thought of a Priest looking in on my sex life,

  “Not everything obviously, because I had no idea about you being able to transmorph.”

  “Well, needs must and I needed something to eat. Madam Cassandra offered help, so I took it.”

  “I know.” He grabbed another bottle from the safe and locked it, “What are you going to do next?”

  “It looks like I can’t get these stupid gauntlets off without talking to Cain and he won’t help. I have a sin eater, a soulless twat to kill, rescue some teenagers and probably have a nervous breakdown in the process. Oh and to top it all off I’ll have to do it all alone.” I was always alone, it was better that way. No one else to worry about.

  “Ah, about that. While you were out you had visitors, they’re upstairs waiting.”

  “Is it another Ghoul? I could go with shouting something in the face right now.” Father Thomas laughed and tugged on his collar, “Don’t worry I’m only joking.” I was saving that for Clockwork.

  “Let us depart then.”

  I followed him up the stairs again and pushed my backside back into the confessional. When I drew the curtain back I was amazed to see Wolfie and Sister Succubus holding Smidge and Cerberus in their arms,

  “I don’t understand. Why aren’t they burning?”

  “Because not all demons are evil Alex. Wolves have been blessed for many years thanks to the McAdams family, with only a few returning to their old vicious ways. Although if that one doesn’t put my gold candlesticks back he won’t be welcome here.” He pointed at Adram and I smiled. I heard him tut and put the candlesticks back,

  “I could get a new house in Hell with those!” I shook my head and realised that smoke was coming from his feet. Apparently the silver foil he’d wrapped around his feet wasn’t working as well as he hoped, “Is it me or is it getting a little hot in here?” He fanned himself and I laughed,

  “I don’t understand why you’re all here?”

  “That’s because you’re stupid.” Adram laughed,

  “You could have left us in that prison but you didn’t. You opened your home up to us when we didn’t have anywhere else to go. It may not have seemed much to you but it meant a lot to us. Not even our families cared enough about us to do any of that.” Wolfie said,

  “You don’t owe me anything if that’s what you mean? I’m going in to kill Clockwork and I can’t guarantee anyone that comes with me will come back out.”

  “We know that and we want to help. I know I’m a demon but surely we can do good things too. It’s why I became a nun and if it means I have to disregard my vows while I do this than so be it. You need help Xan and so do those girls.” Sister Succubus looked determined at me,

  I didn’t know what to say so I looked at Adram,

  “When the Dark Lord turned me into a donkey, you were there because you’re my best friend. When, a Toxian demon laid eggs in my stomach, you were there because you’re my best friend. When your cat gave me fleas, you were there, because you’re my best friend and now you’re here and I’m here because….say it with me Xan…”

  “I’m your best friend…”

  “…actually I was thinking you’re a jinx. A big, fat, bad luck charm! What?” He shrugged, “I’m in it for the spoils and I’d rather not get roasted in Hell fire for letting you die.” Same old Adram,

  “You know it’s dangerous and I have no idea what Clockwork’s doing,”

  “Oh, about that, I finally got to ponder over the Kodak with Lucifer himself. We had tea and biscuits, talked about our day…"I glared at him, "...ok I stole it and hid in the cupboard with a candle. There wasn’t much but what I did find points to Clockwork wanting to become immortal.”

  “He already is.” I sighed. He was a sin eater,

  “Not if he’s a sin eater. Remember they can be killed. Immortality is usually an illusion. Wounds heal but if you yank out the heart or take off the head…” Father Thomas started to say but I’d heard it all before,

  “Yeah but that didn’t work for me.” Instead my head had grown back, while I chatted with Cain,

  “That’s because of Cain. Only Cain is truly immortal because God gifted it to him. “

  “And yeah, he also wants to become God.” All our heads swung around to Adram who was picking something green and nasty out of his ear,

  “Excuse me?”

  “Why, what have you done now?” He flicked the ear bogey at me,

  “Him wanting to become God?” I shouted in his face,

  “Oh that! It won’t happen because the Dark Lord would never allow it.” He said smiling,

  “He’s got this far, Adram.”

  “It’s only a bastardised healing ritual that has the odd side effect of making some Godlike.”

  “Side effect? Oh God, I think I’m having a stroke.” I held my head in my hands and I wanted to cry,

  “Drama queen or what?” Adram looked calm, while I was having a meltdown,

  “I have to kill him and quickly. I have no idea where the
hell he is.”

  “You could always call Marshall?” Adram shrugged,

  “What?” I was coming close to ripping Adram’s head off,

  “He took your phone.” He shrugged again and started picking at his ear,

  “Will you stop that, it’s either in their for good or your brains itching!” I was losing my temper with him, “You could have told me this information earlier!”

  “Nah, you’d missed out on all this love.” I dove for him. Beating the crap out of Adram was cathartic,

  “This isn’t helping.” Father Thomas shouted and I looked up with Adram in a head lock. We both looked at each other and laughed,

  “Do you have a computer?” I smiled. Hitting Adram always helped my mood.

  “Of course, in my study.” We all followed him and I looked at the box that sat on his desk, “I said I had a computer, I didn’t say I used it.” It looked like something from the nineties.

  I sat down and turned it on. It sounded like a hamster was being strangled in the back,

  “What are you doing?” Adram peered over my shoulder. Somewhere along Adram had picked up a pair of Father Thomas’ glasses and they were balancing on the end of his nose,

  “I can’t call him. What if he’s hiding somewhere watching and my bloody phone rings?”

  “Hummm I see, one dead cowboy,”

  “Exactly but I can find my phone. You know how many times I’ve lost it.”

  “I swear if your head was loose you’d lose that too.” I glared at him, “Sorry, I forgot Clockwork took your head.” I was getting that back too. The computer screen beeped, “How ironic.” Adram snorted,

  “Where are they?” Sister Succubus said,

  “The British Museum.” Everything had gone full circle.

  “We better get going then.” Wolfie smiled and I swivelled on my chair,

  “This is the last chance to back out. I’d understand.” Sister Succubus pulled her habit off,

  “The name’s Margot and that’s Bernie. I thought you’d want to know our names if we’re going into battle together.” I’d never asked their names before and I nodded,

  “If we get out of this alive I’ll talk to the pack leader of Havensbrook. I’m sure he’ll welcome you.” I said to Wolfie,

  “And you’re quite welcome to stay in this parish with me Margot. If you’d like that?” Father Thomas added,

  “Maybe.” She smiled.

  “I’m gonna need to pick up some fire power. I’m going to repay Clockwork by knocking very loudly on the front door.”

  “About that…” Adram was fanning the smoke that was drifting from his feet, “…When the wards went down, so did your portal. It’ll take a couple of days to open again. Don’t look at me like that Xan! You insisted that if the wards went down, it was best that the portal locked so your weapons couldn’t be used against you.” Of course he was right,

  “I need something other than pointy fingers.” I sighed. Father Thomas bit his lip, “What do you have?”

  “I’m not sure I should show you.”

  “You excommunicated me!” I yelled and he sighed again,

  “Ok, follow me but don’t take it personally.” We all followed him back down into the cave but this time we went deeper.

  As I walked, I wondered what he meant about me not taking it personally. Everything he’d done I’d taken personally but he must think this was a big deal. The strip lighting disappeared and was replaced by old gas light fittings. Father Tomas stopped and turned them on. They glared to life and so did the solid silver door. It looked like it belonged to a bank vault and it felt strange. It wasn’t just silver; it was a mixture of metals that was enough to keep most supernatural things out. I placed my hand on the cave wall and could feel the lead lining. Whatever Father Thomas had in there was seriously protected.

  He looked at me and I’m sure he said a little prayer to himself as he opened the door. If I had time I could have probably broken the combination but that would wait for another time. A waft of stale air hit my nose and I peered inside. My jaw dropped. Weapons were staked from floor to ceiling. It put my own stash to shame. Rifles, semi-automatics, Glocks, rocket launchers, machine guns, there were so many. There was even enough C4 to bring a small fortress down,

  “Why does a priest need all this firepower?” I said frowning. Father Thomas was visibly sweating,

  “It’s a last resort. The Watchers would always be the last line of defence.” He pushed his glasses back up his nose. The more I looked around the more I found. Globes of hellfire sat humming, the amount of silver in the room was making my head throb and then it clicked,

  “It’s a last resort to stop Cain.” Deep down it should have pleased me but it didn’t, “And me?” Father Thomas nodded. “I thought you could call down the Wrath of God?”

  “Death can only hold Cain for so long. He could destroy the world and we have to be ready.” I really wanted to punch Father Thomas but there was no point when he was right,

  “I don’t have time for this discussion.” Which was true but I would come back and beat the truth out of him if I had to.

  I grabbed a bag and started loading it up. Clockwork was seriously going to regret messing with me. I smiled as I opened a box,

  “Are they Cubans?” Father Thomas nodded, “Why keep them down here?” I also spotted a shelf full of hard liquor,

  “Well, we decided if we were all going down in a blaze of glory we may as well have a drink and a smoke.” Father Thomas shrugged,

  “Good idea.” I laughed stuffing a Cuban in my pocket. I filled up a hip flask with vodka and added liquid sin to it, making sure I gave it a good shake.

  “I’m not sure I have any clothes to fit you though? You can’t fight in that surely?” Father Thomas looked me up and down. I suppose he was right.

  I pulled a pair of black jeans from a shelf and tried them on. Of course they were too short on me. I grabbed a knife and cut the legs turning them into a pair of shorts. My tank top would have to do but I did opt for a pair of boots. Sometimes it was a bonus having man feet. Father Thomas was still looking at me,

  “I like to be able to move when I fight. Do you ever stop judging?” I started strapping weapons to me and finally I was finished. I hadn’t even noticed Sister Succubus doing the same. She looked so beautiful with her nun stuff off but that was the nature of a succubus.

  We were sisters in arms. Both of us needing sin to survive and I had no idea how she was coping without the supply.

  “How are we getting there?” Adram piped up.

  “I have an idea.” I grinned. Let the games begin.

  Chapter Twenty Five

  It appeared no one liked my idea. We were standing in the graveyard and everyone was looking at me like I’d gone mad, that had happened years ago.

  “We can’t ride a cat! The filthy thing gave me fleas.” Adram was whining,

  “You’re not riding or have you forgot, you can poof into anywhere?” I poked him in the chest,

  “Not everywhere and I’m not riding that flea ball.”

  “If you don’t shut up I’ll let Smidge eat you.” I picked up Smidge and she head bumped me, “That stupid clown has mom and Cam, can you get us there fast?” She purred and jumped out of my arms.

  Cerberus was looking puzzled, “You can stay how you are until we get there.” She gave a little yap and snuggled into Wolfie’s arms.

  There was a flash of magic and bones cracking. Smidge was no longer my sweet little cat, instead stood a gigantic, majestic griffin. I heard Adram shriek and disappear. Apparently, a beast with an eagle’s head and wings with a lion’s body wasn’t his thing.

  “I think the three of us can get on…maybe?” Smidge was still head bumping me but her head was so big I was holding onto her neck,

  “Four.” Father Thomas smiled, holding his bible to his chest, “I want to help.”

  “The rocket launcher strapped to my back will help, you not so much. The last time you tried to h
elp I got excommunicated.”

  “Are you ever going to forgive me?” There was hope in his eyes,

  “Nope.” I did a run and jump onto Smidge’s back and Sister Succubus threw my bag of weapons to me. It nearly knocked me off Smidge, God she was strong.

  All I could hear in my ear was Wolfie growling all the way there, muttering how her wolf wanted to eat the griffin. Good luck with that. Smidge landed on a nearby rooftop and the moment my feet hit the ground I kissed it,

  “Ever so ladylike as usual.” I looked up to see Adram. For once he was wearing black and looked completely normal for a demon, “Thought you might need these.” He handed me a pair of binoculars and that was when I realised his black combat suit was covered in glitter,

  “Is that glitter, seriously? We’re going into battle not a rave!”

  “Isn’t it fabulous?” He did a little turn and laughed.

  “I give up.” I moved to the edge of the roof and assessed. The fact I wasn’t doing this alone was starting to grate on me. I could literally feel them breathing down my neck.

  “What do you see?” Sister Succubus grinned. She was looking forward to this and my demon approved of her eagerness,

  “Twelve elves patrolling the grounds.” I switched the binoculars to thermal imaging and winced, “There’s a pile of bodies on the ground floor and it looks like the girls are tied to poles.”

  “That’ll be the totem poles.” Adram interrupted,

  “Don’t go all tourist Adram and I swear if you raid the souvenir shop I’ll disown you.”

  “There’s bad news isn’t there?” Father Thomas stuttered,

  “Trackers, lots and lots of trackers. I think I stumbled into this thanks to Dorian. I must send him my thanks for that. Maybe a bouquet of grenades?”

  “I hate trackers.” Adram twitched.

  “You and Sister…Margot, take care of the elves. Cerberus and Smidge can help if they want to. I’m going in to kill everything that comes near me. Bernie you’re welcome to sink your teeth into anything you want to. Your priority is to get the girls out before Clockwork can drain them dry. I’m going straight for him. Marshall’s in there somewhere so try not to kill him.”