by Shelly Davis
“You bitch,” he gurgled out. “You broke my fuckin’ nose. I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you.”
I backed away, keeping my eyes on him as I moved toward my truck. “I said you won’t ever touch me again. I meant it. Stay the fuck away from me, Todd.”
He tried to get up once more, but then stumbled back to the ground. This would probably just make him furious, but I didn’t care anymore. For the first time in years, I felt empowered. He could try to hurt me and I knew he might, but I also knew I wasn’t afraid anymore. I stood up to him. I made my own personal demon bleed.
“Stay away from me. You come near me again and I promise you won’t be able to walk away,” I screamed as I ran for my truck. I never felt so strong and confident. It was a great feeling to finally stand up to my nightmare and win.
I drove back to the track as quickly as I could. I had to see Julius. I had to tell him how I felt. It was because of him forcing me to see everything good about myself that finally gave me the strength to stand up to Todd and knock him down.
I knocked on his trailer door and waited. When he opened it, he looked handsomely disheveled. I wanted him so badly. I wanted in his light and in his warmth. I wanted to be with him and give myself to him. But when I saw the look on his face, I knew I’d probably lost my chance.
“What do you want, Toni?” He just looked tired and sad. It was all my fault and I knew it.
“I wanted to see you,” I said honestly. How could I tell him what I just did?
“I told you, I can’t do this. Now I’ve got a race to prepare for. I need you to go.”
“But Jules, please. I need to …”
“No, Toni. I can’t do this. I need to keep my head on straight and any time you’re near me, I can’t think straight. The only place you need to talk to me is when I’m on the track, to tell me about my car. Otherwise I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”
“I’m sorry, Jules. I’m sorry. Please. I finally did it. I stood up to him”
“I’m proud of you, Toni. And I know you’re sorry. So am I. But I just can’t do this anymore. I need to go.” He closed the door, engaging the lock. I listened to his steps recede into the back of the trailer before I walked away. With tears in my eyes, I went back to the garage. I entered the women’s locker room and cried. I’d lost him and it was no one’s fault but my own.
After I sat there and cried for a while, I slowly put on my fire suit and exited the locker room. I had a job to do and I was going to damn well do it. I went through the motions of the day, preparing the car, and staying away from Julius.
~oOo~
“The car ain’t right,” Julius complained. “And everything y’all are doin’ is just makin’ it worse.”
“What’s the problem?” Kyle asked beside me. I hadn’t said a single word to Julius through the race. I was focusing on fuel usage and calculating lap times to determine pit strategy. After this morning, I felt it was just best to keep out of Julius’ head.
“I don’t know. It’s too tight then too loose. Maybe it’s the damn spacer y’all are usin’ to adjust the chassis.”
“Okay, Jules,” Kyle tried to cajole him. “We’ll take care of it next time in.”
“Don’t talk to me like that, Ky. This car’s a piece of shit,” Julius growled. “You need to change it back to the way it was before.”
My heart sank; I knew what he was talking about. Julius blamed me for the car. I suddenly knew I couldn’t work for Fuller Enterprises anymore. Maybe I could talk to Kyle and Axel and they could find me a place on another team, maybe even in the truck series. But I knew I couldn’t stay. Julius and I would never be able just to work together, not now. I let things get too far and destroyed everything.
“Maybe I should go,” I whispered to Kyle after he, once again, tried to calm Julius down.
“Where the hell do you think you’re goin’? You ain’t goin’ anywhere. I know somethin’ happened between the two of you but I don’t give a shit. Sit here, do your job, and just don’t talk to him. This shit ain’t gonna fly with me, Toni.”
“But …”
“But nothin’, Toni. You ain’t goin’ anywhere and that’s final. Now what can we do to get this car back on track.”
“I don’t know,” I sighed. “He’s not bein’ specific about what’s going on.”
Kyle huffed, “All right. Next pit we’ll make a track-bar adjustment and see if that helps. We’ll give him four new tires too, maybe that’ll straighten it out.”
Tom’s voice sounded through the headphones, “Car around in the back of the pack, caution’s out.”
I radioed the instructions down to the pit crew to prepare for pit stops in the next couple of laps.
“You’re comin’ in when pit road opens.”
“Ten-four.”
The day went much the same, Julius complaining about the car and me doing everything I could to figure out how to make the car better and to stay quiet. We did every adjustment we could and, for all intent and purposes, the car seemed to be running fine. Julius stayed at the front of the pack, leading the race several times, but he was never happy. There was always something wrong, there was always an issue as far as he was concerned. It was clear to everyone, his problem wasn’t the car, it was me.
I didn’t know how I would ever be able to convince him that I made a mistake. It was trust and honesty he wanted, I trusted him, but not with my past. I guess in a way I didn’t trust him because I didn’t trust he would be able to love me once he knew how weak I was. Or how I once allowed a man to use my body as a punching bag and to do with as he pleased because I was too to pathetic to put a stop to it.
“There’s a wreck ahead. Stay high, the eighty-seven just ricocheted off wall in turn three … Dammit, Jules, I said stay high,” Tom’s disembodied voice came through the headphones, stirring me out of my melancholy. We watched as Julius sped around turn three in the middle of the pack. The cars were three wide as they disappeared into the smoke covering the entire turn.
“Jules, talk to me. You okay?” Kyle shouted into the microphone.
But then we saw it, the pack of cars blasted out of the turn seemingly unharmed, with the fifty-five in the middle of the group. Then all hell broke loose. The number 119 in the front of the pack checked up, causing the number 104 to plow into the back of him. As soon as the cars made contact, the number 119 got loose and veered hard to the right, sending the pack of cars scrambling to get out of the way with little success. It looked like a bumper car ride in an amusement park as the cars slammed into each other, trying not to cause too much damage.
Julius went into the jumble and we all held our breath as he his car got turned.
“Jules,” Tom shouted.
There was nothing, no sound from Julius, no sound coming from the pits and stands around us as we watched the number fifty-five car turn sideways and start to lift off the ground. It was like the world stopped and the only sound was the crunching of metal as the cars continued to slam into one another, continuing their demented bumper car simulation. It looked like he might be okay as the roof flaps came up, settling the car back down to the track. That was until the number twenty-one car got under the side of Julius’ car, sending it airborne. I let out a strangled scream as Julius’ car flew into the air and sailed above the track and other drivers. The car flew high into the top catch fence; crushing the body and leaving a trail of broken pieces of metal and fiberglass flying across the track and into the stands. The car fell back to the track and slid down the banking, ripping one of the wheels from off before it stopped moving. Then another car slid sideways and hit into the side of Julius’ car, sending it spinning into the infield grass until it stopped. There was nothing left of Julius’ car except the driver’s cockpit. The car had done its job, the body completely disintegrated upon impact, keeping the driver’s cage intact. There was no movement from the cockpit, and still no sound from Julius.
“Jules,” Kyle shouted again, but still nothing. I pray
ed it was like last time. Maybe he was just jarred for a moment and needed to regain himself before he could speak. It only took moments last time. Moments that felt like a lifetime.
“Jules,” Tom said more forcefully. “Dammit man, answer. Give us a sign you’re okay.”
Nothing, not a sound came through our headphones from the cockpit of the car. Then all hell broke loose. The car that was smoking horribly burst into flames just as the pit crew and rescue workers got there. They worked feverishly to extinguish the flames and pull Julius Fuller from his broken and battered vehicle while the rest of the field sat unmoving on the track under a red flag.
We watched in silence as they pulled an unmoving Julius from his car, placed him onto a gurney and loaded him into the back of the waiting ambulance.
“We’re goin’,” Kyle announced into his headset for everyone to hear. “Get your shit together, fellas. We need to get to the hospital, now.”
~oOo~
The next two days were horrible. I spent every moment in the hospital refusing to leave. I couldn’t leave until Julius woke up. I had to know he was okay. They placed him under heavy sedation so he could heal. He fractured his collarbone, resulting in surgery to repair the injury. He also had lots of bumps and bruises, and a concussion. They said he regained consciousness in the ambulance which was a good sign that he would be okay. It was bad, but it certainly could’ve been a lot worse.
Everyone tried getting me to go back to the hotel at least to sleep, but I just couldn’t. I felt responsible for what happened to him. I knew in my heart that he was distracted because of me. It was my fault he was in the accident and now in a hospital bed. I also realized how much I needed him to be okay. He was so strong and he made me stronger because he believed in me, because he loved me. He saw me, the real me. Not the screwed up version Todd created and not the subsequent mess I’d become to try to put my life back together. No, he saw me. All my faults, all my strengths, everything. He saw everything and I tried to throw that away. I acted as if what he saw didn’t matter. I told him the version of me he found hiding behind hurt, pain, and fear didn’t matter. I’d hurt him and whether I made him wreck or not, he was in a hospital bed instead of his car because of my weakness.
So for two days I sat in the silence of his hospital room before anyone else got there. I would sit and just talk to him. The first day, I told him about everything he ever asked me about, except Todd. I just couldn’t go there until I told him everything else. I told him about my dreams and hopes. I told him about my desire for a family and a real home. I told him how badly I missed my mom and about how I wanted to be a mother just like her someday. I told him things I never told anyone before. But I couldn’t talk about Todd, until the second day. I sat there telling him about high school shop and it just all poured out of me. It felt like a purging of my demons as I spoke.
I sat there at Julius’ bedside and finally told him the story. I could only hope he could hear me.
“I started dating Todd the summer before my senior year of high school. At the beginning of the school year when I was in eleventh grade, he brought his car in to shop at school. It turned out to be a huge project. He was popular and I was surprised when he started paying attention to me. We seemed to hit it off and he seemed nice. He pursued me the entire school year, but I refused to go out with him until school was out and summer was back. For the first few months, he was sweet and kind, but it didn’t take long for him to change. About six months after we started dating, signs of what he really was began to appear.” I detailed all of the early abuse, the gifts and flowers apologizing for what he did, and the first time he raped me. “You see, the night I had that nightmare in your hotel room, it was a memory of when I finally left him. He raped me for the last time that day. When I told him I was leaving, he,” I paused and took a deep breath. “Let’s just say he did a lot of horrible things to me. I’m sure you understand why I didn’t want to tell you.” I continued talking, pouring everything out to him, just as I’d once done with Dr. Mathews. “My therapist told me a long time ago to trust you and to let you in. But I couldn’t. I didn’t want you to see how weak and pathetic I am. But because I tried so hard to hide it, I drove you away. For that, I’m so sorry. So here is the final part of the story. The part that broke me forever—or at least I thought it was forever until you came along. You helped me find my strength because you believed in me. I’m eternally grateful for that.
“For months I had dealt with the abuse. I had no excuse except I was afraid of what he would do and ashamed I’d let things get so out of control. When my family finally found out, I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere alone. Jake, Cade, and my dad were my constant companions. One night just when Jake and I were leaving the shop, Jake got a text from Cade telling him that there was an emergency at the diner and he needed to get there. Instead of going with Jake, I thought it would be a good idea to go home alone. That was my biggest mistake.”
My mind drifted to what happened that day as I told Julius about my past.
“Come on, Toni. We gotta go, somethin’ happened at the diner and I need to get over there.”
“Just go ahead, Jake. You better get there. I’ll go straight home. Dad’s there waitin’ for me so it’ll be fine.” Jake didn’t look convinced, he gave me a look that questioned my reason. “Jake, I’ll be fine. I promise.”
He sighed, “Call Mike and tell ‘im you’re on your way so he can meet you outside.”
I nodded and got into my car. Jake pulled out in front of me and turned toward the diner while I turned the opposite direction toward home. It wasn’t far, but far enough it gave me a few minutes of peace to think and relax a little. They had all been so over protective lately, I just needed a minute to myself. Even though I would miss them all terribly, I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I just wanted to get as far away from Shady Falls and Todd Franklin as I could. I wanted to move on with my life and be left alone.
From behind I noticed a truck with its high beams glaring. It was barreling down on me fast as if I wasn’t even moving. It pulled right up on me, lights reflecting in my mirror, blinding me. I tilted the rearview mirror to avert the glare and tried to pick up my speed so they weren’t right on my tail. But the more I sped up, the faster the truck went. My heart hammered, I knew there was something off. They could’ve passed me, they could’ve backed off, but they didn’t.
The ringing of my cell phone startled me. I reached down and answered it without taking my eyes off the road. It was hard to see the road with this truck right on my ass.
“Hello?” I said exasperated.
“Toni, where are you?” Cade asked sounding freaked out.
“On my way home. Look, what’s up? I’ve got some dickhead ridin’ my ass and I need to concentrate.”
“We’re on our way. I never texted Jake tonight. There’s somethin’ wrong and we think it has to do with Todd. Is it him behind you?”
“Not his Mustang, it’s a truck, but it could be. Whoever it is won’t back off. I’m about a mile from the turnoff to my house. Can you guys get here?”
“We’re right behind you. Put your phone on speaker and concentrate on drivin’,” Cade instructed.
I did as he asked and set the phone on the passenger seat. I was starting to get scared because everything in me knew it was Todd and he was out to punish me.
I approached the turnoff to my road, the truck followed close behind. I made the turn faster than I should’ve; the car turned sideways around the bend. Trying to straighten out the car, it fishtailed on the gravel road. Spinning the wheel to stop the slide, I over corrected and ended up sliding in the gravel on the side of the road. The truck was still there and right on me. It pulled up beside me and inched its way closer, forcing me further onto the side of the road and into the shallow creek that ran alongside. The mud was thick and moist, and I could feel my car starting to bog down. And that was it; I slid and couldn’t get any traction to keep moving or to get back onto the road.
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“Cade? I’m on my street but he forced me off the road. I’m stuck in the creek bed. I can’t get out. I’m bogged down. Where are you?”
“We’re almost there. Just stay put, don’t get out of the car,” he ordered. “Jake called your dad. He’ll be there soon too.”
I was a couple miles from home and I didn’t know how far back the guys were. The problem was, I was in trouble now. No matter how hard I pushed on the gas, my rear tires just spun and shot mud all over the place. A face appeared in my window, startling a scream from me. I trembled with uncontrolled wild fear. Todd …
He pounded on the window screaming, “Open the fuckin’ door, Antonia. No one’s here to save you now, is there? We’ve got business to take care of once and for all.”
Cade could hear Todd yelling at me. “Toni, don’t open that damn door. Just stay there. Promise.”
“Yeah, okay,” I responded weakly.
I shook with terror as I kept moving the car from drive to reverse to try to find a way to get it out of the damn mud. I had to get away from there. I tried not to look his way or make eye contact; I just kept trying to move the car. But the tires did nothing but spin mud everywhere.
“Cade, you gotta get here. I’m stuck. He’s right outside. Please,” I whimpered. I knew if Todd got his hands on me, I would regret it. I didn’t know what he was capable of any more. He might kill me. Outside of the car, it was pitch black and hard to see. Then I saw movement out of the corner of my eye just in time to duck.
Crash … Glass shattered all over me as I dove into the passenger seat. Reaching into the car, he grabbed a hold of my long dark hair and pulled.
“Toni!” I heard Cade’s voice shout through the phone now lying on the floor.
“Cade!” I screamed. “HELP!”
Todd dragged me out of the window by my hair. I couldn’t hear Cade’s voice anymore. I wanted that piece of security to latch on to, but Todd never allowed me to feel safe, ever.
