by Shelly Davis
That realization was probably the hardest for me to make. While I lay in my hospital bed waiting to be released yesterday, all I could think about was Toni. Not her past or her trauma, but her loveliness and her sweetness. Recognizing that I actually had fallen head over heels in love with her should have panicked the hell out of me. I’d told her that I loved her, but I didn’t think I even realized how much until now. The last time I loved someone this much they destroyed me, but this didn’t scare me at all. She was my perfect match and I was positive we were meant to be together, I just needed to be able to convince her. So far, she wasn’t answering my phone calls or texts and she was refusing to talk to Kyle or anyone else about anything except for the car.
I’d found out that Margie and Kyle had heard a large portion of her story, and now she was refusing to talk to either of them. She’s been coming and going at the garage in silence, doing her job, and going home.
“Come on Jules, you have to eat something,” my mother said, smiling at me.
“I know, Mom. Thanks, but I’m not hungry right now. I’ll eat later,” I said standing from my place on the couch and starting out of the living room.
“Where’re you goin’?” she asked with concern in her voice.
“I’m just goin’ outside for a few minutes. I’m fine mom, I promise.” I walked back toward where she stood and kissed her cheek. “I’m sorry. I know that wreck scared the hell outta you, but I’m fine, I promise.”
“All right,” she sighed. “Maybe I should head home?” she asked.
“You don’t have to do that. You can stay here as long as you want. You know I’d prefer you to live here instead of being so far away. I don’t want you to leave; I’ve just got a lotta stuff on my mind.”
“Is it Toni?” she asked.
“Am I that obvious?” I smiled at my mom.
“You don’t have to be,” she said, placing her hand on my cheek. “I know my boy. But what I also know is that girl loves you. She may not even realize it herself, but she does.”
“But she’s been through so much,” I said sadly. “What if I’m not the right man for her?”
“Margie’s told me a bit of what she heard.” She looked so sad, ruminating on Toni’s past. All of us who knew were shocked at the brutality of her experience. “That girl has been through one hell of an ordeal, but she’s strong. You might not be the perfect man, Jules, but you could be the right man for her. You just have to be patient.”
I nodded my head. “So, you’re stayin’, right?”
“I was thinkin’, actually. Maybe I should sell the house and find a place here. Margie’s goin’ to need help with the baby soon. Bein’ so far away, I won’t be able to help her.”
I kissed my mom on the cheek. “I think that’s a great idea. Maybe later we could sit down and take a look at some properties close by?”
She smiled. “That sounds wonderful. I’ll go call my friend Sarah; she’s a realtor. She can get my place on the market.” She turned and walked quickly away. It seemed like a weight had lifted from her shoulders. Knowing my mother, this was probably something she had been thinking about for quite some time and she was too afraid to make the change. By me suggesting she should move it gave her the strength to do what she wanted all along.
I walked outside into the late May heat. Such a difference from the cold the past winter brought. I shielded my phone from the glare of the sun so I could dial the one number that I had been dreading to call.
“Jules, good to hear from ya. How’re ya feelin’?”
“I’m good, Mike. A little achy, but I’m lucky. It could have been much worse.”
Toni’s dad made a sound of agreement. “Everythin’ okay there? My girl okay?”
“Toni’s okay, Mike. But you should know her ex-boyfriend was botherin’ her in Charlotte. He was seen a couple different times tryin’ to get to her and she spoke with him also. I’ve put my entire team on alert so they don’t leave her alone, but there’s somethin’ else.”
“I’ve been waitin’ for the day that prick tried to get to her again. I shoulda killed him when I had the chance. What else is goin’ on?”
“While I was in and out of consciousness, Toni told me her story. She told me about how he hit her, forced himself on her, and almost raped her on the side of a road. She told me everything, but she doesn’t know I remember. She thinks I was out completely. She won’t talk to me, she won’t answer my calls or Margie’s either. Hell, Ky’s only allowed to talk to her about the car, otherwise she just walks away from him. I don’t know what to do.”
I knew I sounded pathetic, not so much like the in-control driver I used to be, but I’d changed. For better or worse, I’d changed. I didn’t know if it was the wreck, maturity, or Toni, but I was okay with the change. I could be the arrogant prick of a driver for the rest of the world, but I needed this man to know how much his daughter meant to me so he would know how much I needed her.
“You love my daughter, don’t you?” he asked.
“I love her, Mike. I do. But I can’t force her to do something she don’t wanna do. She don’t wanna talk to me or anyone associated with me.”
“Jules, if you love her like you say—you need to give her some space and let her figure out her shit. She never dealt with this as she shoulda. Yeah, she went and talked to some shrink, but she never dealt with it. Seein’ that asshole, watchin’ you wreck probably has her head all kinds of fucked up. I’ll talk to her and see if I can help her through any of it. I’ll be in touch.” With that, Mike disconnected and my world was completely up in the air.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Toni
Two weeks. It had been two weeks since I walked out of his trailer, brokenhearted after refusing to open up to him. Ten days since I spilled my every secret, every fear, and every horror to him while he laid motionless in his hospital bed. Seven days since I allowed myself to cry, feel, or even think about the turn my life had taken. Since leaving the hospital and refusing to talk to any of them, I’d worked harder in the garage and in the gym. I guess I was kind of punishing myself, but I didn’t know what else to do. I hadn’t seen Todd since we had our altercation, but I was sure he was still around. He’d made it perfectly clear that he wasn’t going anywhere.
I went to Axel after we returned from Charlotte and practically begged him to let me work on a different team. But Axel refused to let me even speak, let alone agree to change me to a different car. And he absolutely refused to let me out of my contract, saying if I tried to quit he’d sue me and I’d never be able to work with any other team ever again. So I continued to work for Fuller Enterprises, dreading the day that Julius returned.
Every day after I left the shop I went to the gym and worked out until I couldn’t move. It was the only way I could sleep without nightmares of Julius’ wreck or the sweet dreams of our first night together. I no longer dreamed about what happened with Todd. Julius was the only one who haunted my dreams now.
“You know, sweetheart, mopin’ around and feeling sorry for yourself ain’t gonna help,” Cade said one day while we were all at the gym.
“I ain’t mopin’ and I don’t feel sorry for myself. Can we just work out and not talk, please?”
“I don’t think that’s even an option,” Mia argued. “Why won’t you go see him? He’s been outta the hospital for a week and a half and you said he’s returnin’ to the shop this week. Don’t you think you should at least talk to him?”
“No, there’s nothin’ to talk about. I can’t be what he wants. I–”
“Bullshit!” Mia interjected. “You’re just afraid. I don’t know why you still let that needle-dick asshole fuck with your head.”
“Yeah,” Jake included, “you give fuckface more power than he should ever have. Just because you saw him again don’t mean shit.”
“She didn’t just see him, she fucked him up. It’s about time you stood up to him. He doesn’t have power over you anymore,” Cade said.
&nbs
p; “Just stop, okay. I won’t bring Julius down just because I’m so screwed up. That accident was my fault. I tried talkin’ to him before the race and it pissed him off. He wasn’t in the right frame of mind for the rest of the day. He complained about issues on the car that weren’t there. It was me he had a problem with, not the car. Then he wrecked. I can’t do this anymore. I won’t hurt him.”
“He didn’t wreck because of you,” Cade argued.
“Yes he did. You know damn well you can’t be out there drivin’ two hundred miles per hour if you ain’t focused. He wasn’t focused. I distracted him with my pathetic excuses and pleas for him to forgive me. Now just leave me alone, I don’t wanna talk about this anymore.”
“Maybe if you open up to him, tell him …” Mia started to say but by this point I was so pissed I could feel the tears coming. I just shouted. Never in all of our years of friendship had I shouted at any of them. I knew they were right, but there was nothing I could do about it.
“I did fuckin’ open up!” I shouted. “I fuckin’ told him everything. Every fucked up detail about how pathetic I am.” Now the tears were coming and no stopping the sob which escaped me.
“What did he say?” Cade asked gently.
“He didn’t say anything. He was unconscious. Now do you see how screwed up I am? The only time I was able to open up and tell him anything was when he was fuckin’ comatose.”
“Maybe he heard you,” Cade offered. “They say that people in comas can hear you when they talk. They remember.”
“I don’t want him to remember. I don’t want him to know how fucked up I am. It’s better this way.” I sighed. “I’m goin’ home. I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. I’ll be leavin’ for Pocono on Thursday. I’ll see y’all next week.”
As soon as I got into my truck and started for home, my phone rang. I sighed knowing this evening wasn’t over yet. I knew by the ringtone that it was my father calling. I thought about ignoring it, but never in my life had I ever ignored a call from my dad.
“Hey, Dad. What’s up?”
“What’re you doin’?”
“Just got done workin’ out at the gym. I’m headed home now. Uncle Bobby’s waitin’ for me with some dinner.”
“How’re you feelin’?”
“I’m fine, Dad. Everything’s good.”
“Don’t you dare lie to me, young lady. I know you ain’t actin’ right. I know you’re workin’ out too much and I know you’re avoidin’ all your friends. Now talk to me.”
I huffed out a dramatic sigh, I should’ve known one of them would call my father and rat me out. “I’m fine. I promise. I’ve been workin’ out more to distract myself. I haven’t been avoidin’ my friends. I was just with them.”
“Toni, don’t patronize me. I know how you deal with things. When were you gonna tell me about seein’ Todd?”
Damn, now I knew he’d been talking to people. “I didn’t think it was a big deal, Dad. I told him off and haven’t seen him since. He’s not gonna control me anymore.”
“He already is, don’t you see that? You’re hidin’ from your friends and family. You’re keepin’ secrets again. Last time those secrets almost killed you. Dammit, Toni, you can’t keep hidin’ shit and expect things to change.”
“I ain’t hidin’ things, Dad.”
He sighed, letting me know that I was pissing him off. The bad thing was that he was right. The last time I had secrets it was bad. Why was I hiding from my family, they all already knew the truth about me, whether I liked it or not.
“I had a rough couple of days, but I’m good now. I actually stood up to him, Dad. I don’t care about what he says anymore. He’s nothin’. It’s not Todd that I’m hidin’ from anymore.”
“Then who?” he asked.
“Julius, Dad, I can’t let him into that part of my life. I couldn’t stand it if he looked at me like I was pathetic.”
“Why would he, Toni? What happened wasn’t your fault.”
I sighed again. He’d been telling me it wasn’t my fault for years, but I knew it was. I couldn’t argue this with him anymore.
“Look, Dad, I gotta go. I’m almost home and–”
“Dammit girl. Get your head outta your ass and listen to me now. That boy cares for you. You need to stop livin’ in the past and look at what’s right in front of ya.”
I couldn’t say any other word after that. Julius must have called him. If my father was that upset with me, he must know more about what’s going on than just from the twins or Mia. Julius, Kyle or someone from Fuller Enterprises must have contacted him.
“I love you, Antonia. It kills me to know this is still followin’ you around. I shoulda seen what was happenin’, I shoulda helped you.”
“You couldn’t, Daddy. I didn’t let you.”
~oOo~
After that, I’d taken to avoiding most everyone because they all had opinions about everything. None of them seemed to care I was the one who screwed everything up and I had no idea how I could fix it, especially since when I tried, he didn’t want to hear it. Not that I blamed him, it wasn’t as if I earned his trust by being honest with him. Instead, I continued to hide my secrets even though I was being forced to face them.
Then the day I’d been dreading came, Julius’ return. He’d missed one race since Charlotte and even though it was against doctor’s orders, it was decided he would return for Pocono, with limited driving. He’d start the races so he could get the driver points, but we would swap out drivers at the first opportunity. That way Julius got all of the points, but didn’t have to drive the whole race. The man they brought in to race the fifty-five at Dover was an experienced, retired driver who was good friends with Axel. Timmy Clark was a retired driver who wanted to get back into a car just for the fun of it. He’d won his share of races and championships in his lifetime and now he was all about wanting to race just to race. So when the opportunity to continue to drive for Julius came up, Timmy was all for it. It gave him a car to run and the chance to help Axel and Julius.
When Julius walked into the garage area Wednesday I couldn’t get over how much better he looked since the last time I saw him. In the hospital, he was pale and you could tell he was in pain even though he was sleeping. Now he looked strong and healthy. I missed seeing his handsome face and his warm brown eyes. I missed him. Most of the guys had gone home, so the garage was basically empty except for a couple people dawdling. I headed toward the locker rooms so I wouldn’t have to be in the same space as him. I didn’t think I would be able to handle it if I had to talk to him. I quickened my pace, trying to move out of his line of sight before he saw me, but it didn’t work.
“Toni,” he called out. I missed his deep and soothing baritone voice. I loved how it sounded vibrating though me.
I tried to ignore him and pretend as if I didn’t hear him. If he thought I had my headphones in or something, maybe he’d leave me alone.
“Toni,” he called again. “I know you can hear me. Just stop, please.” The please was what got me. He sounded so desperate and tired, I felt bad I didn’t even bother to ask anyone how he was doing. I’d heard Kyle and Kevin talk about him, but I didn’t ask.
I stopped in my tracks, refusing to turn around because I knew if I looked at him, I’d lose it. I was barely keeping myself together just from hearing his voice. He stopped when he was just behind me. I could smell his musky scent, he always smelled like the outdoors and cars. I loved the way he smelled. Nothing artificial, just all him.
I stood still and didn’t move while I waited to hear what he had to say. The last time we talked, he told me he was done, he said he couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who lied and kept secrets. I didn’t blame him. I couldn’t blame him at all, but I also had no idea what he wanted to talk to me about now.
He stood behind me, silent for a few moments before he asked, “Why won’t you turn around and look at me.”
“I can’t,” I whispered. It was probably the most honest thin
g I’d ever said to him, while he was conscious.
“Please turn around, Toni. I just wanna talk.”
Turning around but keeping my eyes to the ground, I tried to keep my tears at bay. He placed his finger under my chin and gently tilted my head up. I tried to keep my eyes down, but it was difficult when he placed himself in my line of sight. “Stop hidin’ from me, Toni. I can’t stand the silence anymore.”
I looked up at him and the dam broke. My tears instantly spilled over and down my cheeks. I wanted to run away, but I knew I couldn’t run forever. If nothing else, that was a lesson I learned from Todd, eventually you have to stop running and stand up.
“Baby, don’t cry,” he whispered. “It’s okay. Shhh …” He wiped the tears from my cheeks with his thumb. His touch was soothing and made me want to melt into him. I’d only just started allowing myself the comfort of his touch and then it was gone. I missed it. I missed him.
I shook my head and sobbed, “It’s not okay. I can’t do this, Julius. It’s my fault you wrecked. It’s my fault you were hurt. I shouldn’t be here and I’m sorry I am. I tried to convince Axel to place me on another team, but he wouldn’t. I promise I’ll stay out of your way. I know that’s what you wanted.”
“That’s not what I want, Toni. I wanna talk to you, but not here. Come with me, just for a ride.”
“I can’t, Julius,” I shook my head. “I need to go home.”
“Toni, you have to meet me half way,” he said. He looked so sad and frustrated.
“There’s nothing to talk about. I said everything I’ve had to say.”
He sighed. Maybe this was it; maybe he thought there was nothing to fight for anymore. I guess it was best if he finally decided I wasn’t worth all the trouble. He shook his head, frustrated. “You win,” he sighed. “I’ve been patient. I’ve been understandin’. I’ve pursued you. I’ve let you know how I feel about you. But Toni, you’ve gotta try too. You’ve gotta give me somethin’. Hug me, kiss me, smack me, anything, please. Just do something.”
