Relative-ly Speaking

by Karen D. Badger

  "Don't bother," Billie said from the doorway. "No luck. She's hidden herself pretty good," Billie said as she threw her car keys on the coffee table and sat on the couch beside Alex.

  "I called Mom's. She's not there either," Cat said, absent-mindedly crossing her arms and biting her lip as she resumed her pacing.

  Suddenly the phone rang. All three women stared at it like a ticking time bomb, ready to deliver devastation.

  Finally, Billie rose to her feet. "I'll get it," she announced as she braced herself. "Hello?" she said into the receiver. "Hello? Who is this? Joe? Joe, are you all right?" she asked. "Joe, slow down, I can't understand a word you're saying. Look, where are you right now? Yeah, okay, all right, I know where that is. You stay put. I'll be there in ten minutes. Don't leave. Okay, bye." Putting down the receiver, Billie looked at the other two ladies. "Joe's wasted. I need to pick him up before he gets himself into trouble," she explained.

  "Where is he?" Cat asked.

  "He's at the pub, apparently drunk off his ass. Instead of confronting his problems head on, he's trying to drown them in drink," she said, collecting her car keys from the coffee table.

  Cat threw her hands out to her sides in exasperation. "What is it with this family? First Grandma Jo, and now Joe. We're all going to hell in a hand basket," she said melodramatically.

  Billie rose to her feet and approached Cat. Taking the smaller woman's face in her hands, she covered Cat's lips with her own, leaving tender butterfly kisses in their wake. "Not all of us, my love," she whispered. "Not all of us. I love you. I'll be back in a few minutes, okay?"

  All Cat could do was nod.

  ***

  "Okay Joe, that's it, one foot in front of the other. Watch that step. There you go," Billie instructed as she guided her brother-in-law up the steps of the back porch. "In we go," she added, pushing him into the kitchen in front of her.

  "Whoa, it sure is bright in here," Joe exclaimed as the brilliance of the kitchen bulb shot daggers of pain through his alcohol-soaked brain.

  "All right, have a seat," Billie directed as she pushed him into a chair at the table.

  Falling roughly into the chair, Joe immediately placed both forearms on the table and then dropped his head onto them. "Oh, my God, I'm drunk," he said.

  "No shit, Sherlock," Billie answered sarcastically.

  "Billie?" Cat said from the doorway.

  "Hi, love," Billie replied as Cat entered the kitchen pulling her robe around herself. "Where's Grams?" she asked.

  "She went to bed about an hour ago," Cat responded.

  "Did Jo come home yet?" Billie asked.

  "No, and I'm really worried about her. Grams said she's not concerned, but I don't believe her," Cat said worriedly.

  "Well sweetie, Grams does know her better than we do. Maybe she's right. Jo will come home when she's finished sulking," Billie suggested encouragingly.

  "If she can come home," Cat said, giving a voice to what both she and Billie were worrying about.

  "Amy, Amy why are you doing this to me?" mumbled a very inebriated Joe as he rolled his head from side to side, momentarily drawing Cat and Billie's attention away from their worries of Josephine.

  Cat looked from Joe to Billie. "Did he give you a hard time? It took you longer than I expected to bring him back," Cat observed.

  "Oh, yeah. He decided that he wanted to beat up everyone in the bar. Accused them all of sleeping with his wife. It took me over an hour to calm them all down and convince them that he was just a raving drunk suffering from a broken heart. Then, about halfway home, he decided he was going to be sick. I managed to pull over to the side of the road and pull him out of the car just in time. Otherwise, his clothing, and my car, would have been quite a mess. He literally cried all the way home about how he thought Amy was cheating on him. Cat, what a mess. I feel really bad for him," Billie explained.

  Cat just shook her head from side to side. "I'll try to talk some sense into Amy tomorrow," she offered.

  "No, I don't think you should," Billie replied. "Joe needs to take care of this one himself. Amy isn't going to listen to anyone else," she finished, rubbing her hand over Joe's shoulders.

  "Maybe you're right, sweetheart. Give me a minute to make up the couch, then I'll give you a hand carrying him in there," Cat said.

  Moments later, after tucking Joe in, Billie and Cat snuggled closely in their bed, neither of them able to sleep, the burden of their family's woes weighing heavily on their minds.

  "Billie?" Cat said softly.

  "Hmmm?" Billie replied.

  "Promise me our lives will never get this out of control," Cat pleaded.

  "I promise," Billie said.

  "Good. I promise too. I love you Barney. Goodnight," Cat said.

  "I love you too, Mrs. Barney," Billie replied. "Sleep tight."

  CHAPTER 26

  Cat rolled over, throwing her arm across the empty space usually occupied by her wife. Realizing instantly that Billie was gone, she bolted awake and looked around. Within moments, her eyes fell on the note resting on Billie's pillow.

  Cat,

  Gone for a run with Jen. I'll be home soon.

  I love you,

  Barney

  Smiling, she rolled onto her back, taking Billie's pillow with her and hugging it tightly. She loved the smell of Billie's pillow, fresh and clean, like the herbal shampoo Billie used on her hair. After several moments of basking in the scent of her wife, Cat finally decided it was time to get up.

  Dragging herself out of bed, she pulled on her robe and headed for the stairs. The aroma of coffee drifted up to greet her before she even landed one foot on the top stair. Hmmm, Billie must be back already, she thought to herself as she scurried down the stairs and through the living room where she noticed Joe still sleeping soundly in the couch. He's going to have one hell of a headache this morning! she mused as she passed by.

  Reaching the kitchen, Cat stopped short when she saw Alexandra, not Billie, sitting at the table, cradling a cup of coffee between her hands. "Grams, you're up early," she said.

  Alex looked up, revealing red, swollen eyes to her granddaughter.

  "Grams? Are you all right?" Cat asked, going directly to Alex's side.

  "I lied to you yesterday, Caitlain. I am worried about her," Alex confessed, looking back down into her coffee cup.

  Cat immediately wrapped her arms around Alex. "I know you are, Grams. We are too," she replied, feeling Alex's shoulders shaking beneath her arms.

  Just then, Billie burst through the kitchen door, drawing the attention of the two ladies to her.

  "Cat, Grams, good, you're up. I need your help with something," Billie said breathlessly, a slight grin creeping onto her face.

  "Billie, what is it?" Cat asked, a little startled with Billie's entrance.

  "Well, I just returned from my run, and I was climbing the steps to the porch, when I heard...well, it's hard to describe. You need to come see for yourself," Billie exclaimed.

  Their interest peaked, Cat and Alex both rose to their feet and followed Billie into the back yard.

  "There. Up there," Billie said pointing to the tree house.

  "What? I don't see anything," Cat said, not really understanding what was so odd about the tree house.

  "Listen," Billie said excitedly.

  Both ladies stood quietly under the tree house, straining to hear the mysterious noise Billie was talking about.

  "Kill me, please! I need some drugs," came the sound.

  A broad smile spread across the face of Alexandra Spirakis as she realized what was behind the sounds. Then as quick as the smile came, it was gone, followed immediately by her hands perching on her hips.

  "Josephine Wycliffe, you crazy old woman, come down from that tree house this very minute! Do you know what you've put us through?" Alex scolded loudly.

  Cat and Billie exchanged covert grins.

  "Alex? Alex, I need drugs," Jo repeated as she poked her head out of the tree house wind
ow.

  "You're gonna need more than drugs when I'm through with you," Alex said through tears of relief. "You come down here this very instant," she repeated.

  "I can't get down," the aging historian whined. "Help me, Alex."

  "You got yourself up there...obviously in a drunken stupor, you can get yourself down. I will be in the house when you decide to act like a proper lady," she stated before turning on her heel and stomping off into the house.

  Jo poked her head out one more time. "Like a proper lady?" she said in disbelief. "I guess I'm stuck up here forever."

  "Come on Grandma Jo, I'll give you a hand," Billie said, propping the kids' homemade ladder up against the tree house and holding it steady for her. "How in hell did you get up there anyway?" she asked as Jo touched down onto the ground.

  "Damned if I know," Jo replied. Planting both feet on the ground, she turned to look at Cat. "Kitten, could I bother you for some pain killers?" she asked.

  Cat hugged her grandmother. "Sure. Come on, Grams made a fresh pot of coffee. I'm sure she won't mind giving you a cup while I fetch your drugs," Cat said in jest.

  "The only thing your grandmother is bound to give me is the cold shoulder," Jo predicted sadly.

  "Well then I guess you'll just have to turn on the charm and warm that shoulder up, don't cha think?" Cat suggested.

  "I try hard not to...think, that is, at least not with a hangover," Jo joked.

  Cat laughed and hugged her grandmother once more, elated that she was alive and well. "Grandma Jo," she said, "you most certainly have a colorful ninety-six pack."

  Jo frowned. "Ninety-six pack. There it is again! What's up with that anyway?" she asked.

  "I'll let Grams explain that one," Cat replied chuckling as she led her hung over grandmother into the house.

  ***

  Joe finally rose after many futile attempts to ignore the sound of cartoons blaring from the television. Rolling over, he opened his eyes and immediately closed them again as a painful bolt seared into his alcohol-injured brain. Forcing himself into an upright position, he threw his legs over the side of the couch and immediately dropped his head into his hands.

  "Morning, Uncle Joe," Skylar said cheerfully.

  Joe painfully lifted his head and forced a weak smile to cross his features in response to his niece's greetings. "Morning, Sky," he grumbled. "Where are your moms?" he added.

  "Mama's upstairs, and Mom is in the kitchen with Grandma Jo," Skylar responded.

  "Hmm," Joe replied as he dropped his head into his hands once more, wondering how he was going to face Amy when he returned to Ida and Doc's house. Somehow, Amy had a way of making him feel guilty, even when he had done nothing wrong. Even now, after innocently spending the night at his sister-in-law's home he felt like he had deserted her, when in reality, it was Amy's behavior with Bob that was in question. Forcing himself to get off the couch, he ventured into the kitchen where Billie and Jo were obviously having a serious discussion.

  "That's what she wants. That's what would make her happy," Billie said as Jo pondered her words carefully.

  "That's all she wants?" Jo replied incredulously.

  Billie just nodded, a slight smile crossing her features.

  "Am I interrupting anything," Joe asked as he stumbled into the kitchen.

  Billie turned around quickly. "Joe! No, you're not interrupting at all. Come join us for a coffee. How are you feeling this morning?" she asked.

  Joe shuffled over to the counter and poured himself a cup of black coffee. Turning toward the ladies, he leaned his backside against the counter and sipped the strong brew. "To be truthful, lousy," he complained, running one hand through his hair.

  "Join the club," Jo proclaimed. "Seems we both indulged a little too much last night. I hope when you go home, you have better luck with your lady than I'm having with mine," Jo added.

  Joe looked at Jo curiously. "Is something wrong with Grams?" he asked.

  "A severe case of the cold shoulder—not that I don't deserve it," she replied.

  "I know what you mean," Joe commented. "When I get home, Amy will either ignore me, or kill me...not sure which at this point. However, considering this hangover, I'd opt for the killing," Joe said, causing both women to chuckle.

  "Billie, do you have a writing pad and a pen? I have a few thoughts I want to put down on paper," Jo asked.

  "Sure," Billie replied rising to her feet and pulling paper and pen out of the utility drawer and handing them to Jo. "Is there anything special I can help you with?" Billie asked.

  Jo looked at her granddaughter coyly. "No, not really. I need to work this one out for myself. Thanks for the paper," Jo said as she accepted the items and headed into the living room, leaving Billie and Joe alone in the kitchen.

  Billie looked at her brother-in-law. "Sit," she said. "We need to talk."

  ***

  "Hi, Mom. Is Amy there?" Cat asked into the receiver as she sat on the edge of her bed.

  While waiting for her sister to answer the phone, Cat looked around the bedroom. A sense of nostalgia suddenly overcame her. God, this room has held such emotion for us over the past several years. Some of our best, and worst times have been right here, she thought as she recalled the lovemaking, the confrontations, the illnesses and the tears.

  It was here that she had found Billie comatose one morning, only to discover later that she had been afflicted by epilepsy as the result of a gunshot wound to the head months earlier.

  They had lain in each other's arms, filled with fear and dread as they watched their baby girl struggle in the clutches of leukemia, not knowing if she would live or die.

  It was also here that some of the most gloriously fulfilling lovemaking had occurred, each of them totally committed to loving each other and sharing the wondrous joy of living in each other's souls.

  Through all their trials and tribulations, this was one place they could find sanctuary from the world. It was their secret garden, their stronghold, their nirvana. As Cat thought ahead to the pending nuptials the following day, she could only wish Drew and Dylan the same loving relationship she enjoyed with her own personal dark-haired beauty. Joys and woes included, she wouldn't trade one moment of her life with Billie, not for all the gold in the world.

  Cat was suddenly drawn out of her reverie by a voice at the other end of the line.

  "Hello?"

  "Amy, this is Cat. Look, just in case you were worried," Cat said sarcastically, "your husband spent last night passed out on our couch...you know...just in case you were worried," she repeated.

  "Oh, so that's where he was," Amy replied. "Go figure."

  "And what's that supposed to mean, Amy? Don't you even care that he didn't come home last night?" Cat asked, exasperated with her oldest sister.

  "At this point, Cat, I'm not sure what I feel. Why he chose last night to suddenly grow a backbone is beyond me. Do you know that last night he had the nerve to accuse me of having an affair? Can you imagine that?" she exclaimed obviously insulted that her husband could even think such a thing.

  "Yeah, imagine that," Cat returned dryly.

  "Don't tell me you're siding with him?" Amy said hotly, accurately reading her sister's tone of voice.

  "Look Amy, you haven't exactly given him reason not to believe it," Cat replied.

  "And just what does that mean?" Amy demanded.

  "I can't believe you don't know. Amy, look at how you act. You flirt with anything in pants—men and women alike," Cat exclaimed loudly.

  "And since when is flirting with women a turn off to you of all people?" Amy returned with a large dose of her own sarcasm.

  At that moment, if Amy had been within Cat's reach, she would have surely landed the palm of her hand across her sister's cheek. Taking a deep breath, Cat consciously calmed herself, realizing her sister had yet again drawn her into a confrontation by pushing her buttons.

  "All right, I refuse to let you reel me in hook, line and sinker like you did when we were kids.
I just thought you might like to know where your husband is," Cat said. "Oh, and Amy, tomorrow is Drew's wedding. You and Joe are a big part of it. Don't blow it for Drew or I'll never forgive you," she warned.

  "Yeah, yeah, yeah," Amy replied.

  "I mean it, Amy," Cat warned again.

  "Don't worry, Cat. I won't do anything to ruin the wedding for Princess," came the retort.

  "See that you don't, Amy. She doesn't deserve it. I'll see you tomorrow then," Cat answered.

  "Whatever. Later," Amy said before hanging up.

  ***

  "All right Joe, remember what I said," Billie called to Joe as he climbed out of the car and headed toward his in-law's house.

  Billie watched Joe walk toward the house, looking all the world like he was a dead man walking...shoulders slumped, head hung low. She felt sorry for what he was going through. She remembered a time when she thought her marriage to Cat was over. Billie sat there for several moments, recalling some of the more difficult points in her relationship with her red-haired wife.

  Visions of near domestic violence sprang to her mind as she saw herself pin Cat against the kitchen door, threatening her with physical dominance.

  She saw visions of Cat rejecting her during Skylar's bout with leukemia as jealousy over the little girl's love for her corrupted her common sense.

  Visions of them nearly coming to blows over the amount of time Billie's job was taking away from the family.

  These were all difficult times...times she would just as soon forget, as they caused her great distress. Thoughts of Cat leaving her made her physically ill. Thoughts of losing everything and everyone she loved were unbearable.

  Yes, she knew exactly what Joe was going through.

  Snapping herself back to reality, she sighed deeply before putting the car into gear and heading back home.