Luckily, my father agreed with me, and Maya wasn't allowed to come. The celebration was to be between my father, mother, and me. For that day, everything went back to normal. I was with my family again.
Right now, the trip is the only thing keeping me going. With winter in full swing, I have found myself cooped up inside. Most of the time, I leave school and come directly home. On the weekends, I don't even leave the apartment. I guess you can say I have become a homebody.
Bing inside a lot was depressing. I need a change of scenery. A break from school and all the pressure of getting good grades. A break from the pressure of making my dad proud. Don't get me wrong, I loved school. However, even a nerd needs a break every now and again.
Now lets see. What else did I want to tell you? Oh yes! So there is this really cute boy in my school named Samuel. We have been talking a lot, and yesterday he asked me out to the movies. It felt really good for someone to want to hangout with me. Since getting to New York, I haven't made many friends.
I said yes to the movies and we are scheduled to go on Saturday. Does it sound weird if I say scheduled? It kinda makes it sound like a business meeting. Well maybe I should say I have a date on Saturday. That sounds much better!
Now the only issue with this date, was that neither my father or Maya could find out. See if they knew that I was seeing Samuel, then things with Michael would become complicated. To the same tune, if Samuel found out about Michael, things would get complicated. I had to make sure to keep my fake life and my real life separate. I needed to make my father think I was dating Michael, and make Samuel think I was single.
The real problem would be leaving the house without my dad asking where I was going. Seeing as I rarely left, he would surely be curious. And another thing, what if things went well with Samuel? Surely he would want to come over to my apartment some time. What if he wanted to meet my father? What would I say to him?
But, this is all theoretical. Maybe Samuel will stand me up Saturday. Maybe the date will go awful and he will decide he doesn't like me. I will say something stupid and scare him away. Then I won't have to worry about hiding him from my father.
Yet, I wanted Samuel to like me. I liked him, and for the first time in a long time, I felt good. He had a way of raising my mood. A simple wave, or a brief hello from him, and my day would be made. No matter how bad I felt, getting a glimpse of Samuel would bring a smile to my face.
He brought normalcy back to my life. When I was around him, I could be myself, and I forgot how good that felt. So I guess I am nervous for Saturday. God I hope I don't blow this.
Chapter 5
I just got back from my date with Samuel....Things went great! He is such a sweet guy. He let me pick the movie and I picked a chick flick. Yet, he didn’t even blink an eye. He just smiled, and asked the clerk for two tickets to the movie.
Of course I offered to pay, but he refused my money. He told me that it was his treat, all I had to do was enjoy the movie. So I went into the theater and did just that. I enjoyed the hell out of that movie!
It felt good to get out of the house. I spent too much time cooped up in my room. I had started to become a social outcast, so it was nice to interact with other humans.
After the movie, Samuel walked me home. Well he didn't walk me all the way home, because I didn't want my father or Maya to find out. So a block from my apartment we said our goodbyes. I told him that my dad thought I was coming back from a friend's house, so it would be best if he didn't walk me all the way.
He looked a little hurt, but he quickly smiled and said, “Thats alright. Well I guess I will see you Monday!”
He gave me a hug and turned back to where we came from. He lived a few blocks from the theater, probably a ten or fifteen minute walk. I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking as he walked home. He had plenty of time to dissect our date. Maybe he would find something bad that he had forgot about. Maybe I wouldn't see him Monday?
Damn I am doing it again! Sorry sometimes I get anxious and over think things. It really sucks, but in a way it is a good thing. What it means, is that I really like Samuel and I care about what he thinks of me.
Anyways, I have one more week of school before I leave for Florida. If I said that I wasn't excited I would be lying. I feel like a puppy waiting for my master to throw the ball. All I want is to go fetch the ball. In this case, all I want is to be in Florida.
I have been so excited, that I have had trouble sleeping. My mind keeps wondering what its going to be like. See I never have gone to Florida. A bunch of the kids in my class have gone. They say it is really warm, and the ocean is beautiful.
“The sunrise and sunset are breath taking” My teacher said when he overheard me talking about my winter break plans the other day. “That's where I am going when I retire. I am going to go down to Palm Springs and get a small condo. I will spend my days golfing, and my nights sipping on Strawberry Daiquiri from my balcony, watching the sunset over the ocean.”
I told him he should have been an art teacher, because he could paint one hell of a picture! He laughed and told me he sucked at art. Oh Mr. Dristal, always cutting himself down. I guess that is why he has become my favorite teacher. We both lack confidence and put negativity where it doesn't belong.
So Florida! God I can get sidetracked sometimes. Just one of my many flaws. Probably one of my top five. No maybe top ten. Shit, there I go again. Focus Alexis, focus.
I leave for Florida on Friday right after school gets done. I will be missing class monday and Tuesday of the following week, but I have gotten the work I will be missing, from my teachers. Yes, I am a nerd I know. I probably will be doing homework while on vacation. I can't help it.
After school my father is going to meet me at school, and from there we will take a taxi to the airport. Maya will be waiting at the airport, for us to arrive. Once we arrive, we will have a little over an hour until our plane boards. Then, we will be up in the air on our way to Florida.
I think that having to fly is part of the reason why I can't sleep. I have been on a plane a few times, flying to Boston to visit my cousins. Yet, I never have't gotten use to flying. I don't like being boxed in with people I don't know for a few hours. Not to mention the fact that if the plane engine were to crap out we would plummet to our deaths!
But hey, everything comes with a trade off. If I want to get to Florida, I have to fly. We could drive, but that would take too long and my father already bought plane tickets. I was just going to have to suck it up. My plan of attack is to purposely stay up the night before we leave. That way the next day I will be tired. By the time I am on the plane, it will be hard to keep my eyes open. Siting down in my seat, I will fall asleep. When I wake up, the plane will have landed in Florida.
It was a fool proof plan! Now all I had to do was get through the next five days. I had to make it through a few tests at school, and I had to keep my excitement to myself. I didn't want Maya to know I wanted to go to Florida, as I found out it was her idea. I couldn't give her that victory.
I had been pretty good at hiding my excitement so far. So what was five more days? It should be easy! All I had to do was focus on the fact that she was going and the trip wouldn't seem so great. I had to remind myself that she was my enemy, that she could never replace my mother.
Still, a part of me is starting to warm up to Maya. It must be the evil side of me. She is trying to bring me to the dark side. The side that enjoyed what she had done to me. The evil side is putting up a strong fight, but I am not about to let it win.
Chapter 6
Florida is amazing! It is everything I expected and more. There is so much to do, so much to see. At times, I have been overwhelmed by my new surroundings. Obviously, where we are is a tourist area so there is a lot to do. Yet, I feel like everywhere in Florida has something to do or see.
It is so beautiful here! There is a lot more nature then back in New York. Something I have missed since leaving Stamford.
I ha
ve been spending most of my time outside collecting shells and staring out into the ocean. My father has been giving me freedom, so most of the time I am on my own. That is, I am allowed to walk a few hundred yards from our hotel down to the beach.
I can only imagine what him and Maya are doing why I am gone. No wonder they let me go down to the ocean. They wanted some “quality alone time.” I don't get why they called it that. I knew what they meant. They wanted to have sex. I was seventeen, I wasn't a kid anymore I knew that's what they were doing. They weren't fooling me by saying “quality time.”
I guess it was just their way of saying it without saying it. If that makes any sense. They were too embarrassed to tell me the straight up answer. In a way I am glad. I don't want my dad telling me about his sexlife, just like he shouldn't hear about mine. My non-existent sex life that is.
However, my luck may change, I have been talking with Samuel everyday since I arrived here. They have been long meaningful conversations were I have learned a lot about the real Samuel. Not the one who walked around school. The Samuel that existed outside of school. Now I call it the real Samuel because I know the way he acts at school is just a coverup. Everyone does it, you make fun of someone to get a cheap laugh, to fit in. It was the fake personality people wore to protect their true identity from getting hurt. Eventually, after high school, the real identity would find its way out into the world.
On top of his phone calls and texts, our relationship took another turn in the right direction. Before I left, he gave me a kiss. It was the day before I left, at the end of the school day. As we were walking down the hall he grabbed me and kissed me. It was just like a movie. I didn't even know what had happened until it was over. And as soon as I found out, I wanted more.
Needless to say, I am finally happy. It is a foreign feeling, nevertheless it is a good feeling. Remember when I told you that my evil side was starting to like Maya? Well I am starting to believe it wasn't that evil after all.
With Samuel I feel something I haven't felt before. I feel so happy, so alive. If Maya made my dad feel the same way, then I couldn't take it away from him. Maybe Maya wasn't so bad. Maybe she really did love my dad and wasn't after his money.
I am starting to realize that after my mom died I viewed life differently. I had a warped mind that wasn't thinking straight. I was depressed and surrounded by negativity. So when Maya came along, naturally I hated her.
Seeing her made my stomach turn. I viewed her as a threat. Therefore, a simple touch from her hand made me feel violated. No matter if it was by accident, I always got offended if she grazed any part of my body.
That is why I made up the lie that she abused me. That she was a child molester. It was a reason for me to hate her. A reason for why I shouldn't like her. It justified my action, my thoughts, and my wishes. But, the truth is she never even came close to fulfilling the accusations I made.
Still, in my warped mind, if her hand accidentally touched my butt, it was on purpose. She was trying to touch me, trying to control me. I made it all up, it really was only an accident. She had no ill intentions, she even apologized.
So there you have it, Maya didn't abuse me. From all she had done, there was no sign that she was going to hurt me or my father. She was a nice women that I had no excuse for hating.
I can't believe I just said she was nice! What is happening to me? Am I losing my mind, or am I starting to finally see things the right way? I think that I am finally starting to see that life isn't as bad as it seems. That life goes on after a loved one dies. The pain never leaves, but it gets better.
I feel like after I visited my mother's grave, I have begun to see life through a different light. It is as if my mother wants me to move on. She wants me to be happy and allow my father to do the same.
Now I don't believe in heaven and hell and all that nonsense. However, I do believe that there is an after life. That spirits are among the living. They are invisible for the most part, however, sometimes they become visible. They watch over and protect the loved ones they leave behind. At least that is what I liked to think.
I like to think that my mom is watching over me. That she is proud of me. Even though I didn't always do the right thing, she was proud of me. She is there for the good times, but also the bad. She would never re-enter my life in person, but she would always be there in spirit.
It was this knowledge that kept me going. The strength she gave me to become a better person. Just knowing that she was watching, has made me change the way I act. I try to smile more and be thankful for the small things.
Of course I don't smile around Maya. But, I do try to look happy for my father. He loves me deeply, and seeing me in pain has caused him pain. So I put a smile on my face whenever it is the two of us. If Maya is with us, then I wait until she isn't looking to let my walls down.
Maybe sometime I will let her see me be happy. Yet, for now, we are still enemies, competing for the attention of my father.
Chapter 7
So now it is February. I have officially been back in school for a month. A lot has happened since I last wrote, so let me gather my thoughts.........Okay so first and foremost, I have some shocking news! Well it isn't that shocking. I alluded to it earlier. Nevertheless, the news is that I have decided to drop Operation Take Down.
Over vacation, I started to realize that my father loved Maya. I saw how happy she made him and I couldn't take that away. I didn't have to like Maya. In fact, I could hate her with all my heart's content. That didn't matter, what mattered is that my dad loved her. As long as he had feelings for her and she treated him well, then there was no reason for me to intervene. There was that, and the fact that Michael demanded more money.
He told me that the thousand dollars was not enough for the time he was spending. Which I will have you know was a few hours each week. Probably a whopping thirty hours so far. Needless to say, I didn't think he was worth more than thirty dollars an hour so I decided to let him go.
It was much easier without him anyways. With Michael out of the picture, I could move foreword with Samuel, without having to worry about my dad finding out. I could finally introduce Sam to my father. Which was a good thing, considering Samuel was getting impatient with my excuses. He wanted to meet my father and I could tell that if I gave him anymore excuses as to why he couldn't come over, he might break up with me. After all, I met both his parents, and even some of his cousins. He was sick of being the only person contributing to the relationship.
So, in a few hours Samuel is coming over for dinner. I will be sure to update you about how things go. But for times sake, I must move on to what else happened over the past month and a half.
I got my first failing grade of the school year! It was on a physics test. When my teacher handed me my test I flipped it over and saw a fifty five written at the top. I just sat in shock, I didn't even know what had happened. A part of me wanted to cry, but I didn't. I just sat and stared at the paper.
The crappy grade showed the time I put into studying. No I am serious, I am not being sarcastic. I didn't study for the test. Instead I hung out with Samuel the day before the test. I knew that I should have been studying, but I would much rather be with him then study physics.
It is so much math! Nobody warned me that physics wasn't like chemistry, or biology. It was science, but it was all math based. It might as well be classified as a math. There is a small amount of theory compared to the large amount of formulas.
Now after class I talked to the teacher and asked if there was anyway I could bring my grade up. He told me that all I could do was regroup and study for the next test. Hearing the news my heart sank. For a moment I felt that my year had been ruined. That my grade on one test was going to sink my high school average. It would stop me from getting into college. Hell I wouldn't even be able to get a good job, all because of that test. Yet, after taking a deep breathe, I found the thoughts to be quieted. One test wouldn't define me! Everyone makes mistakes, I just had to le
arn from it and improve. That is all I can do.
To add to the test, Samuel coming over, and the discontinuation of Operation Take Down, this month has also been filled with basketball. Yeah the game with the orange ball and hoop. You heard correctly, I said basketball.
See the girl's team was short on numbers. You think being in a city, filling a basketball roster wouldn't be a problem. Yet, I went to a small private school. It cost a lot to attend, so there wasn't that many students. Which translates to not a lot of basketball players, or any other athletes for that matter.
Needless to say, they needed a player, and I needed a new hobby. I wanted to round out my academics. Mrs. Provo told me that colleges want a well rounded student. They want to see that I have participated in extracurricular activities, that I will get involved with campus life.
Up until a few months ago, I hadn't participated in anything other then KEY club. So after seeing the flyer, I joined the basketball team. At first I was afraid that I would be really bad, that everyone would make fun of me. However, the girls on the team took me in. They made me feel like I belonged, and they encouraged me when I was feeling down.
The funny thing is, I am a pretty good basketball player. I mean, I can shoot the ball from anywhere on the floor, and hit the shot fifty percent of the time. I can finish with both my right and left hand. The only thing I struggle with is my dribbling and passing. Coach says it will come with time. Right now she told me to focus on my shooting, as the team needs a sharp shooter. She told me that I have a lot of potential.
So I have been staying after practice to put some shots in. Basketball can be very therapeutic. When I am in the gym shooting, it is just me, the ball, and the basket. I don't have to worry about what people think about me. I don't have to worry if I am good, the ball don't lie. At least that is what I heard.
Careful Wishing (Alexis Sherman's Tell All Book 1) Page 2
