Empire of the Space Cats (Amy Armstrong Book 2)

by Stephen Colegrove

  “Because of the thorns?”

  “Precisely, my dearest.”

  The river of cats pushed Amy and her friends through the red-columned walkways of the imperial living quarters and toward the Hall of Harmonious Justice––the towering yellow pagoda in the center of the palace grounds. They crossed a plaza of carefully-swept concrete, the cats chanting verses to Sunflower, and climbed steps to a yellow door covered with a pattern of huge golden studs. Flying drones hovered in a ring around the pagoda with solemn processional music warbling from their speakers.

  “Halt!”

  A guard in a samurai helmet blocked the door and pointed his assault rifle at Betsy.

  “Dogs are not allowed in the Hall of Harmonious Justice!”

  “The what?” asked Betsy, his tongue lolling.

  “It’s okay,” said Amy. “Betsy, can you wait outside? This won’t take long.”

  “Could be hours and hours,” said the guard. “At least two or three cat naps.”

  “I don’t like the sound of that,” said Betsy. “I’m a messy little dog and who knows what I’ll get into.”

  “Quite so,” said Philip. “Nick, please stay with Betsy. If he gets into trouble please come and find us.”

  “You guys owe me big time,” said the tiny fairy. She buzzed down to Betsy and straddled the terrier’s neck. “That means lots of candy!”

  Betsy sprinted away with Nick hanging on, her transparent wings vibrating and one arm flailing the air.

  “I didn’t say you could run off!” yelled Amy. “And … they’re gone.”

  “It’s just as well,” said Philip. “Imagine the horrible scene if we’d forced them to attend a long-winded royal ceremony.”

  The pair re-joined the chanting parade of cats, following the crowd through massive doors into a soaring open space that made Amy gasp.

  The roof of the pagoda rose high above her head, supported by many floors of wide crimson pillars, each covered with hand-painted scenes from Tau Ceti’s natural world. A chalky haze that smelled of flowers floated high above, glowing white in a few narrow beams of sunshine that filtered through closed wooden slats. Embroidered tapestries hung around the walls of the ground floor, featuring cats fighting claw-to-claw with various enemies or leading long processions of other cats, including one from a spacecraft shaped like a gigantic silver football. A golden throne stood at the far end of the room on a raised dais, in front of a painting of a tree blooming with white flowers. A plain wooden chair sat on the floor below the dais and to the left of the throne. Cats of all sizes and colors packed every inch of space on the ground floor, and leaned over the balconies above.

  Amy and Philip moved through the chanting cats––careful not to step on any tails––and found space at the back of the crowd next to the curved wall.

  “Catchy tune,” said Amy, humming along with the drone of the cats. “Someone should write a song about me.”

  “Anything would be more enjoyable than this monkish dirge,” whispered Philip. “Especially with you as the subject.”

  The crowd of cats parted in front of the teenagers. Sooka Black appeared and bowed low.

  “Please follow me, honored guests. Your place is by the throne.”

  Amy and Philip followed the black-caped official and stood where he pointed––to the right of the throne below the dais. The cat moved a few steps to the left beside the simple wooden chair that sat below the throne. He stood on all fours with his tail straight up.

  Amy leaned close to Philip’s ear. “What do we do now?”

  Philip smiled. “What everyone does at court––we wait.”

  The chanting went on and on and began to grate on Amy’s nerves. She decided that cats should never sing, and if they did it was probably a violation of the Geneva Convention or the galactic equivalent. Scientists could probably use this sound to unclog drains, she thought.

  The ground floor and balcony gradually filled to the brim with cats of all shapes and colors of fur. A handful of late-comers shoved into the back, desperate to get inside as the heavy wooden doors swung shut.

  A calico cat with a collar of braided white cloth spoke to the guards and squeezed through the gap in the closing doors. She trotted up the empty center aisle and whispered into Sooka Black’s ear.

  The caped official nodded. He stood and grabbed a giant spear from behind the chair, and began to slam the wooden shaft on the stone floor. The loud thumps echoed through the hall and the host of cats quickly fell silent.

  “The emperor approaches,” said Sooka Black loudly. “Pay your respects to the Lord of the Northern Star!”

  The crowd of cats bowed as one, pressing furry chins to front paws. A fanfare of trumpets sounded from outside and Sunflower stumbled through the open entrance surrounded by a pack of giggling female cats.

  The orange tabby wore a crown with a giant ruby and a bright yellow cape. He trotted with his wives up an empty path through the center of the crowd, giggling and laughing as much as any of the female cats, all of whom wore necklaces of twisted yellow cloth and walked in swirling clouds of perfume so strong that it caused a dozen cats to clutch their throats and pass out in their wake.

  From the upper balcony, a black cat screamed out, “Long live the Emperor!”

  The poor animal had leaned too far over the railing, however, and tumbled over the edge. The crowd ignored his uncomfortable landing on the very fat and very furry Minister of Galactic Trade, and eagerly took up the chant he had started.

  “Long live the Emperor! Long live the Emperor! Long live the Emperor!”

  Sunflower walked proudly through the cheers and climbed the steps to his golden throne. He plopped his rear on the bright yellow cushion as his wives lounged on the steps below.

  Sooka Black thumped the giant spear on the floor. “Silence!” He waited a moment for the chants to die away, and then bowed to the throne.

  Sunflower stared out at the crowd and took a deep breath. “I am Emperor Sunflower,” he boomed. “Glorious Father of the Flowering Pear Dynasty, Lord of the Northern Star, and Wearer of the Red Diamond Crown. I’m very busy now, but thank you all for coming!”

  He jumped off the throne and scampered through the crowd, his wives chasing after him and the entire host of cats staring wide-eyed as the Emperor and his giggling, perfumed troop disappeared through the slowly opening doors.

  “You don’t see that every day,” said Amy.

  Philip nodded. “Not even on a cat planet.”

  Hisses and murmurs filled the hall, and Sooka Black stood frozen with his eyes wide and mouth open. A furry mob surrounded him with questions while the majority of the cats rushed for the exit.

  Philip rubbed his chin. “I don’t quite understand. Why didn’t he give a speech? Receive royal guests? Issue proclamations?”

  Amy put an arm around his shoulders and sighed. “Where do I start? Okay. When a daddy cat and a mommy cat love each other very, very much, they want to make a baby cat. Or kittens, in this case.”

  Philip smiled and kissed her. “You’re very funny. I don’t know if there’s a young lady in the universe quite as smart and beautiful as you.”

  “There’s at least three or four.”

  “What do we do about finding this MacGuffin?”

  “The who?”

  Philip blinked. “The cat who tried to steal the plans for the recombinator matrix? The item you need to return home?”

  Amy nodded and brushed cat hair from her skirt. “Where’s Sooka Black? Maybe he’s got an idea.”

  They found the brown tortoiseshell cat slumped in his wooden chair below the throne, staring blankly at the ceiling and ignoring repeated questions from the cats around him. The cats looked up and scattered as the teenagers approached.

  Amy knelt beside the cat. “Sooka—are you okay?”

  The brown cat straightened in the chair and smiled at Amy. “My apologies to you both. I was simply lost in thought.”

  “It’s Sunflower, isn’t it?
He’s not really good at this ‘emperor’ thing. It’s because he lost his memory and all that … stuff.”

  Sooka Black stared at Amy. “What? No, it’s quite the opposite. I had hoped the emperor would return a changed cat, but he’s following the same old patterns, spending all his time cavorting with his wives and smoking catnip.” He eased out of his chair and slowly walked away, his tail almost dragging on the polished floor. “What they say is true––hope is for kittens.”

  Philip held up a hand. “Mr. Black! One moment, please.”

  “Yes? If you have any requests for specific food or accommodations, please see the head steward.”

  “It’s more complex than a sandwich,” said Amy. “We need to find a cat.”

  Sooka Black turned. “There are many cats on Tau Ceti, and many good cooks. Making human food is not as hard as you think.”

  Amy waved a hand. “It has nothing to do with food. Do you know a cat named Cynthia MacGuffin?”

  “Not personally. Please excuse me for a moment and I will index his name.”

  Sooka Black trotted across the empty hall and disappeared into an alcove. Amy and Philip heard the faint tapping of keys, whispering followed by a long silence, and Sooka Black trotted out, his tail held high.

  “No address or contact information exists for a Cynthia MacGuffin. However, his name is mentioned in a recent article on the theoretical physics department at Meowie University.”

  Amy giggled. “Meowie University? That’s not real.”

  “It’s the most respected institute of scientific learning on Tau Ceti. Kittens travel from all over the planet and even from Gliese to study there.”

  Philip clapped his hands. “Wizard! Let’s pop over to this university and have a chat.”

  “My deepest apologies,” said Sooka Black. “It’s only a short walk through the downtown area, but unfortunately I can’t allow you to leave.”

  Amy shrugged. “Why not? It’s a free country, isn’t it?”

  “For cats, yes, but not Centaurans. Do you know the black market price for a matched pair of humans, both of breeding age?”

  Amy’s cheeks flushed and she jabbed a finger at the cat’s nose. “You spying pervert! We didn’t do anything!”

  Sooka scrambled backwards. “Oh, no! I’m very sorry. I thought that two humans traveling together of opposite sex and the same age would be mates. This would always be the case with a pair of cats. I apologize if I have said anything offensive.”

  Philip put his arm around Amy’s shoulder. “We’re certainly a matched pair, and let’s leave it at that.”

  “Right,” said Amy. “But what’s this about humans and the black market? I thought Tau Ceti was civilized.”

  Sooka Black frowned. “It is not as simple as one thing or another. The treaty with Alpha Centauri gives humans full rights and protection under cat law. Official and unofficial are two whiskers on the same cat, however, and catnappings, enslavements, and underground pet markets still take place. You will be safe while in the imperial palace, but outside of that anything could happen. A human in the midst of cat society stands out like a shaved tail, I’m afraid.”

  “I don’t like the idea of being a pet,” said Philip. “Again.”

  Amy grinned. “Newsflash! You’re still Nick’s pet, according to her.”

  “I suppose. As long as we take precautions, I don’t see a problem. We’re much taller than cats. In any case, who would kidnap us––sorry, catnap––while visiting a university campus?”

  Sooka Black paced back and forth for a moment, then nodded. “I give my approval, with two conditions. One––you must take an escort from the palace. Two––if you aren’t catnapped and actually return safely, you must promise to try and convince the emperor to change his ways and become a better leader.”

  “Done and done,” said Amy. “How about Furball, the cat who delivered breakfast? He can be the escort.”

  Sooka Black bowed. “I will make the necessary arrangements. Please meet at the eastern gate in one hour.”

  “Now for a word with his glorious highness Sunflower,” murmured Philip.

  Amy watched Sooka Black trot across the wide floor of the hall and pass through the giant yellow doors.

  “He’s not going to listen,” she said.

  THE PARADE GROUND outside the Hall of Harmonious Justice was empty apart from a pair of cats in red berets walking slowing around the perimeter with assault rifles strapped to their furry backs.

  “Exactly what I expected,” said Amy. “Betsy and Nick nowhere to be seen.”

  “To be fair, the assembly was extraordinarily brief,” said Philip. “If we follow the nearest screams and sounds of absolute pandemonium, we’re certain to find them.”

  He took Amy’s hand and held it firmly. The pair descended the marble steps outside the hall and crossed the parade ground toward the red-painted wood of the imperial living quarters.

  “Do you really think we’re a matched pair?” Amy asked. “We’re kind of opposites. I’m a scrappy thief from California and you’re a posh English lord.”

  Philip kissed her hand and smiled broadly. “Neither of which matter thousands of years in the future on a planet run by cats. Sense governs the heart, not sensibility, and my heart is yours, dear Amy. In any case, you’re no thief. Didn’t you tell the Lady that you’d learned your lesson?”

  Amy used her other hand to dig into a pocket of her plaid skirt, and held out a golden necklace with a glittering pendant of a fish.

  “I stole this last night.”

  “Left in your room by the previous occupant. Nothing to be worried about.”

  “It wasn’t in my room. It was in Betsy’s.”

  Philip sighed. “One wonders why a young lady would be rummaging through strange drawers in the evening hours, but since you’ve plainly admitted the crime, I can safely say there is nothing to worry about. Unless, of course, you’re a somnambulist and burglar at the same time.”

  “A somna-what?”

  “A sleepwalker.”

  “No. I was awake.”

  “In that case I freely admit that, in addition to being a foppish English lord, I am also a hypnotist. To remedy this thievery of yours will require quite a few private and extremely personal sessions.”

  “I want a second opinion!”

  Amy tickled Philip under the ribs, ducked his outstretched arms, and sprinted through a covered breezeway of the living quarters. She turned a corner and hid behind a red pillar, covering her mouth to muffle the giggles. She screamed as Philip grabbed her in a bear hug and kissed her on the mouth.

  The teenagers were far too involved with each other for the next few minutes to hear the footsteps.

  “Look at that,” said Betsy. “Leave them alone for five minutes and they’re right back at it, doing that thing again. What was it?”

  “Making babies,” said Nick, sitting on the back on the dog.

  Amy pushed away from Philip. “We are not! It was, um … we were …”

  “She was dying,” said Philip.

  Amy held up a hand. “Sharing chewing gum.”

  “I was helping her breathe,” said Philip.

  “It’s strawberry,” said Amy. “He likes strawberry.”

  Philip nodded. “Saved her life.”

  “Last piece in the universe,” said Amy. “Oops! I swallowed it. Sorry, Philip.”

  Betsy and Nick glanced between Amy and Philip like the rapid back-and-forth of a tennis match, eyes wide and mouths open.

  “They’re lying,” said Nick. “I smell a secret.”

  “What’s chewing gum?” asked Betsy. “I bet I would love it!”

  Amy stretched her arms wide and took a deep breath. “Doesn’t matter. Gone. Left the building.”

  “I’m glad to see that the pair of you haven’t caught anything on fire or caused any intergalactic incidents,” said Philip. “Have you?”

  Betsy wagged his brown and white tail. “Yes.”

  Screams e
rupted from the rooms nearby.

  Nick buzzed up to Philip. “Talk later, leave now!”

  “This way!” hissed Amy, pulling Philip’s arm.

  The two humans, dog, and tiny sprite ran hell-bent away from the commotion, stopping only when they reached the imperial bedrooms.

  Amy brushed short white hairs from her navy tights.

  “More cat hair! It’s like we’re on a planet full of them.”

  Philip slowed to a stop and rested his hands on his knees. he gasped. “I say, Amy,” he gasped. “You’re quite … fleet of foot.”

  “Thank you, I guess. I’ve had lots of practice running from angry people. Betsy, what did you do back there?”

  The terrier hung his head. “I had to go, and … I thought it was a toilet.”

  “He pooped in the soup,” said Nick.

  “Oh my,” said Philip.

  Amy spread her arms. “I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I’ve never in my life been in a situation where a boiling pot of soup was an option for using the bathroom!”

  “It wasn’t boiling,” said Betsy.

  “That’s not the point!”

  Philip covered his eyes. “Let’s not become mired in the details, please.”

  “Betsy did,” giggled Nick, a hand over her tiny mouth. “His bottom is covered in soup!”

  Philip waited for the chuckles to die down. “Be that as it may, we need to find this MacGuffin character so we can leave this dimension.”

  “Right,” said Amy, wiping tears from her eyes. “Let’s focus. Where’s Sunflower?”

  “I know where he is,” piped Nick. “Follow me!”

  The tiny woman buzzed through the breezeways like a pastel hummingbird, stopping here and there to glance through the horizontal slats of windows. She flew across a garden to a dark walnut building with a roof of curved yellow tiles. A pair of black cats in red berets sat on their haunches at either side of the entrance with cat-sized rifles strapped to their backs. As Amy approached, one of the guards stood on his hind legs.

  “Halt!”

  Amy spread her skirt and bowed. “We would like to speak with the Emperor.”

  The cats glanced sideways at each other.

  “The Emperor is not to be disturbed,” said the first guard.