Strong

by Natalie Debrabandere

  “Hey, you’re good,” Kate said.

  Tyler smiled a little. She carried on strumming a slow blues piece, almost absent-mindedly.

  “Can I ask you something?” Kate said slowly.

  Her voice was heavy with the effects of the morphine, and her eyes were closing. She was so beautiful, Tyler thought, and she was finding it difficult to keep her expression neutral.

  “Sure,” she said, trying to sound matter of fact.

  “You know this afternoon… when it all happened…”

  “Yes.”

  “Were you scared?”

  Tyler exhaled slowly. The question brought the tension all back, and she dropped her guitar on her own bed and went to sit back next to Kate. The woman immediately wrapped the fingers of her good hand around her wrist and held on to her. She looked like she was about to cry, and Tyler wondered how far off tears she herself really was.

  "Kate..." she murmured.

  “Were you?” Kate insisted.

  “Yeah,” Tyler said simply. “Of course I was scared. We all were, you know.”

  “But you never look it.”

  Tyler gave a soft laugh.

  “I don’t think it would help anyone if I went running off screaming every time something happens,” she remarked lightly.

  “And you always hide behind a joke, too,” Kate observed. “Why is that?”

  Tyler shook her head.

  “You should get some sleep doc,” she observed.

  “Please. Talk to me, Ty.”

  “What do you want me to say?” Tyler’s voice was gentle, and a little sad as she added, “I am a platoon commander, Kate. I tell the guys what to do, and I have to believe in what I’m saying, otherwise why would they? It is my job to lead. It is my job to sound calm on the radio. I can‘t let anyone see what‘s really going on inside.”

  Kate watched her in complete silence for a few moments. Tyler grew restless and uncomfortable under her gaze, and she tried to move but Kate kept her there with a single look.

  “What is really going on inside, captain?” she asked eventually.

  Tyler shook her head in frustration.

  “Nothing,” she repeated. “I told you, I’m fine.”

  “No, you’re not. And it’s okay to let me see, you know...” Kate murmured as her eyes closed.

  Once she was sure that she was asleep, Tyler stood up and pulled the hood of the sleeping bag a little tighter around her. She took a deep breath and turned back, feeling a little bit like she did after a contact with the enemy, excited and exhausted all at once.

  Kate was very good at doing that to her, she reflected pensively. She was very good at making her feel a lot of things that Tyler did not want to feel again.

  She stretched out on her own bed in the dark, thinking that she would just close her eyes for five minutes, and then go out to get something to eat for the both of them. She woke up much later at the sound of crying in the tent, and it only took her half a second to come back to full alertness.

  “Kate?” she whispered.

  She peered through the darkness and went to sit next to her on the bed.

  “Hey, doc. Wake up,” she said gently, taking hold of her hand.

  At the feel of a hand on her Kate almost catapulted out of bed in shock, and Tyler instinctively caught her in her arms and steadied her.

  “Careful,” she said, worried that she would rip her stitches open.

  “Tyler?” Kate gasped.

  “Yeah. Don’t worry, everything’s fine.”

  It took a second or two for Kate to realise where she was, and then she held harder on to Tyler. She was shaking uncontrollably.

  “Are you okay?” she asked hoarsely.

  “Me? Sure, I‘m okay.”

  Kate pulled back a little, her eyes full of tears as she scrutinised her face.

  “You were dreaming. I’m fine,” Tyler told her again.

  “I dreamt that you were shot.”

  “Just a dream,” Tyler said firmly.

  Tears welled up in Kate’s eyes again and she pulled Tyler hard against her once more, wrapping her arms around her neck.

  “It felt so real,” she whispered. “You were bleeding. Like Sam this afternoon. And I couldn’t do anything to stop it.”

  This time Tyler was silent.

  She tightened her grip on Kate and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. She tried to force herself to try to think of something else. But frankly, with Kate in her arms, it was too difficult. It had been years since somebody had held her like this, like they meant it. Years since somebody had worried about her, because they really cared. Part of her wanted to run away from it, and another bigger part of her wanted to lose herself in Kate’s embrace and never move again.

  They stayed like that for what felt like ages, and then Tyler pulled back a little when she felt Kate sigh against her. She turned her head to look at her.

  “Are you okay now?” she asked.

  She was trying to sound matter of fact about it, but there was just enough light coming through the tent for her to be able to catch the heat in Kate’s eyes. Tyler knew what would happen next. She shook her head a little, but she could not make herself look away, not this time.

  “Kate. Don’t…” she warned.

  “Kiss me,” Kate said fiercely.

  “No.”

  “Please, Tyler…”

  Kate’s lips brushed her own, and Tyler made a genuine attempt to pull back, only managing to catch her leg against the bed and fall clumsily back onto it. Kate pressed herself against her, her eyes closing as their mouths met. She kissed her, gently at first, almost as if she wanted to give Tyler a chance to stop. But right this second Tyler was powerless to do so, and the kiss quickly turned harder, demanding.

  “Kate, wait,” she murmured.

  “Shh. That‘s okay...”

  Tyler knew that she had to move and break this up, and things were happening so fast she had to do it pretty quickly too. But whilst her head was thinking one thing, her body was saying quite another. She was struggling to get back in control of herself and of the situation, and then Kate kissed her again, and Tyler was lost.

  She felt Kate’s fingers travel along the back of her neck and work their way into her hair, and then there was another kiss, this time slow, precise, heavy, as if Kate had decided to make it as hard as possible for Tyler to stop wanting it.

  Tyler’s heart was racing, and her skin was on fire, incandescent everywhere that Kate touched her. But somewhere inside her heart a tightening occurred, and she started to tense up.

  “No… Kate, I… I can’t,” she murmured.

  “It’s okay.”

  “No. Please… Stop.”

  Tyler finally managed to slide out from under her, and she sat up quickly, not caring that she knocked Kate’s open bottle of water onto a bunch of maps as she did so. She took a hard breath, fighting against the overwhelming urge to turn back to her. She glanced at her over her shoulder, noticed the uncertain look in her eyes, the way that she seemed to be about to burst into tears again.

  “I can’t. I’m sorry,” she said.

  Her voice was raw with emotion, her heart pounding hard inside her chest.

  Seeing the pained look in her eyes, Kate suddenly became aware of how far she had pushed it.

  “I’m sorry,” she said slowly.

  “It’s all right. Just forget it.”

  “This is so unlike me Tyler. I don’t know what I was doing…”

  Tyler wondered why she suddenly felt like crying.

  “Yeah, I think you do,” she said, and she was finding it a little too hard to catch her breath. “That’s okay, Kate.”

  She stood up and put some space between them, because she had started to shake so badly she was afraid that Kate would notice and imagine the worst. She was not having a panic attack, and everything was fine.

  Yet Kate apologised again.

  “Don’t worry,” Tyler told her, more firmly this time. �
�You didn‘t do anything wrong, it‘s me. I just… I‘m not…” She struggled with the words, and finally gave up. “Just don’t worry about it. I promise you it‘s fine.”

  She grabbed her jacket and rifle, and she escaped out into the freezing night, not giving Kate a chance to say anything else.

  Not sure where to go, but needing to spend some time on her own, Tyler headed straight toward the back of the shower block. She found a spot in darkness away from prying eyes, and she sat down against the wall, pretty much exactly where Collins had sat the previous night. She dropped her rifle by her side, brought her knees up, and wrapped her arms around them. She stared into the darkness ahead, and shivered in the cold wind as she tried to make sense of what had just happened.

  As far as Kate’s behaviour was concerned, she blamed it on the morphine. And on getting shot, obviously. Anyone would have needed to blow off some steam after that. Tyler was the only other woman around, so there.

  As for her own reaction to Kate, Tyler did not have to dig very deep to understand the mechanics of it, and it scared the hell out of her. Kate was a few years older; she was a highly intelligent, very capable woman. She was beautiful, caring and gentle. Just like Helen had been, at least in the beginning.

  And Tyler had zero defence against that.

  She pulled the hood of her jacket lower down over her head and shut her eyes tight. She tried to picture Helen in her mind. She tried to remember her voice, her laughter, her smile. But as always all she could remember of her lover was the expression in her eyes on the morning that she had died.

  Before the old panic had a chance to grab hold of her, Tyler stood up and punched the make-shift wooden wall behind her with all her strength, so hard it brought tears to her eyes. Then she quickly walked over to Collins’ tent, knowing he was the only person she could turn to in that particular moment.

  She found him sat comfortably on his bed, alone, cleaning his weapon. He knew as soon as she walked in that something was not right with her. She spoke before he had a chance to ask.

  “Ben, let’s go do some phys,” Tyler announced.

  Her voice was tight and unusually strained, and even though this was the last thing in the world he wanted to do right now, he just nodded and grabbed his running shoes.

  “You need a beasting, buddy?”

  “Yeah.”

  She would not look him in the eye, and there were times with Tyler when he knew to remain silent and just go with the flow.

  “Let’s go,” he simply said.

  They were outside working out for just under an hour, and Tyler ended up feeling like her arms and legs would fall off, but she also knew that there would be no panic attacks now, just sore muscles, and hopefully, much needed sleep.

  She crept back into her tent just after one in the morning and found Kate fast asleep, wrapped up deep in her sleeping bag, looking peaceful. There was a shiny bar of Dairy Milk waiting for her on her own bed, and a little note that simply said “Sorry! X.” right next to it. Tyler smiled in spite of herself.

  She stood there for a little while, feeling a lot calmer now. She looked down at Kate thoughtfully, feeling like she had known her for years rather than just the few weeks they had actually spent together. Without thinking, she sat down by the side of her bed and rested her arm on it. She closed her eyes.

  "Tyler."

  Tyler's head snapped up in surprise. She had dozed off for a few minutes, and now Kate was looking at her with a very worried look in her eyes. This time Tyler found it hard to shake the sleep out of her mind.

  “Sorry,” she muttered. “Tired…”

  She got to her feet with difficulty and she started to move away, but Kate stopped her with a single look.

  "Tyler, would you please come lie down with me?" she murmured.

  Tyler opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. Seeing the conflict and the confusion shining in her normally clear grey eyes, Kate simply reached out for her.

  "Just please come here."

  Tyler bit her lower lip and hesitated. Then, tired of fighting, she finally gave in. She kicked her boots off, threw her jacket across the tent, and stretched out beside Kate. Her right hand was throbbing where she had hit the wall, and she made sure that it remained well out of sight. Kate put her arms around her and pulled her close. Tyler did not resist this time.

  "You're freezing," Kate said gently.

  She threw a blanket over her and rubbed her hands slowly over her back.

  "Is this okay?"

  "Yeah... Thanks."

  Kate kissed the top of her head.

  "No problem. Go back to sleep."

  "I'm sorry about before," Tyler mumbled.

  "Don’t be. I jumped on you. I'm the one who should apologise."

  "Morphine talking."

  Kate was about to argue that no, it had nothing to do with the morphine, but she remained silent. She did not want to lose Tyler right now, and she had a feeling it would not take much for her to run. Kate was just grateful for the opportunity to be close. Nothing else.

  After a couple of minutes she felt Tyler’s breathing deepen, and her body went limp in her arms. Exhausted, but feeling better than she had in months, Kate burrowed deeper against her, and after a moment she drifted off too.

  Chapter Nine

  Kate woke up at dawn, immediately reached for Tyler, and realised that she was alone. Shivering, she looked across to the other bed, but Tyler was not in the tent. It was just after five in the morning, still dark outside.

  As she slowly remembered the events of the previous day, Kate shook her head in dismay. She could not quite believe what she had done. It had been stupid, it was unforgiveable, and she hoped that Tyler would understand. They would need to talk.

  Tyler walked in a minute later. Her hair was wet and her eyes were bright and free of the shadows of the night before. She was wearing her usual combats and a thick winter jacket, and she was armed with a toothbrush instead of her rifle. She looked beautiful, and just a little bit unsure. She had gone out early, needing to clear her head before she saw Kate again.

  The previous night had been equal measures hard and wonderful for her. She had run away when Kate had wanted her, and yet falling asleep in her arms later had been the most incredible thing in the world.

  "Morning doc," she said briskly. "How are you? How is your arm?"

  Kate smiled a little.

  “It’s fine. Your stitches have held up beautifully. Are you okay?"

  Tyler nodded, and she observed Kate in silence for a second. Then she shoved her hands into her pockets and gave a thoughtful shrug.

  “Well,” she reflected, “I guess that’s a result, considering…”

  “Considering the session last night?” Kate said bluntly.

  Tyler gave a soft chuckle. She was smiling, and she could not stop no matter how much she tried. Kate was all wrapped up in her sleeping bag, her hair was tousled with sleep, and her eyes were shining with a mixture of embarrassment and tenderness. It was all Tyler could do not to go to her and start all over again. But then she felt her bruised hand rub against the inside of her pocket, and a shadow crossed her face briefly.

  Kate saw this and raised a concerned eyebrow.

  “Hey, I really am sorry. You forgive me?”

  Tyler shook her head.

  “Nothing to forgive, doc. No drama.”

  She held up the Dairy Milk, tore off the wrapper and offered the first bite to Kate.

  “Just keep you away from the morphine next time,” she said with a smile.

  Again, Kate decided to let that slide.

  “Chocolate at breakfast?” she questioned instead.

  “Yeah, don’t you know that‘s how officers do it?”

  With a grin, Kate tore a chunk off and handed it back to Tyler.

  “Very decadent. I like it.”

  She noticed how quickly Tyler averted her gaze when she got up and hunted for her trousers. Not wanting to make it any harder for her, sh
e got into her combats as quickly as she could and pulled on her boots. It was obvious that Tyler was attracted to her too, and she really thought that they should have a chat. But she would take her cue from the officer, and it was obvious that she was in no hurry to have it.

  “It’s freezing,” she said, glancing outside and shivering visibly.

  “Here, put this on.”

  Tyler threw her one of her thermal tops, and she glanced at her watch.

  “We should check your arm again, just in case,” she said. "Okay?"

  Kate heard the tension in her voice, and saw it reflected in her eyes. This was unusual with Tyler, and she gazed at her in wonder.

  “Yes. We can do that in a bit,” she said. “Everything all right with you?”

  “Yes, fine.”

  Tyler nodded and turned her back on her. She started to check her patrol kit. She shoved extra magazines into her Bergen, dropped one on the floor and swore under her breath.

  Kate hesitated but then decided to ask again.

  “Are you sure?” she said. “You sound nervous, and it’s not like you. If you want to talk…”

  Tyler tightened the straps on her rucksack, seeming to brace herself before she turned around and looked at Kate.

  “Okay, well. The thing is I don’t want you to go out on patrol with us today,” she said finally.

  Kate was taken aback by the response. She had expected a lot of things, but definitely not this. She raised her eyebrows, her eyes wide.

  “What? Why not?” she exclaimed.

  “Because you got shot yesterday,” Tyler reminded her gently.

  “Oh, come on!”

  Tyler had not expected this to go down well anyway, so she just ploughed on with what she had to say.

  “I'm only telling you the exact same thing I would tell any of my guys, Kate. Even if it was Ben, the best in my troop, I would not let him go. You‘ve had a rough night, and you need to be one hundred percent fit out there. You know that.”

  Kate snorted loudly.

  “Oh, really? And how many hours of sleep did you get last night, captain?” she argued. “And what about your…”