Strong

by Natalie Debrabandere

  “I take it the training load here is pretty heavy?” she asked.

  “It‘s okay. Lots of swimming, core work, physio work… Sort of like a full time job.”

  “Nothing you can’t handle I presume?”

  “It’s not as hard as running the fire tracks back at home with twenty pounds of kit on my back. Not as much fun either.”

  Tyler smiled a little, and Ashley wondered if she was aware of how sad she looked. Her eyes drifted to her leg and she felt her heart tighten. She wanted to have a look at it, but she refrained from touching her.

  “So how are you feeling?” she asked instead.

  Tyler gave a light shrug. She dropped her spoon and leaned back in her chair. Her automatic response these days was always to say that she was fine. Because she was, and she would be. She saw people every day in the gym who had come back a lot worse off than she was. Double, triple amputees, guys who were blind, completely paralysed, burnt. She was one of the lucky ones, and she was intensely aware of it.

  “At the end of the day, it’s just a foot,” she concluded. “It’ll be fine.”

  “Yes, you‘re right,” Ashley agreed. “It could have been a lot worse. But I want to hear about you, not about everybody else.”

  She smiled at Tyler and held her gaze, searching deep into her eyes.

  “So how are you?” she asked again.

  Tyler exhaled slowly. She had forgotten that when Ashley asked a question, she did not let people off until she was satisfied that she had got the full, honest answer. And she was not afraid to ask the hard questions either. A bit like Kate, really.

  Tyler tried to smile, and surprised herself when she failed. There was a lump in her throat, and she coughed and took a sip of coffee.

  “Sorry. Uh... Yeah, I’m fine,” she stammered.

  Ashley moved her chair closer to hers. She lay her palm on top of her good leg.

  “Really,” she said softly. “It’s me you’re talking to. So come on, captain. Spill.”

  Tyler hesitated, feeling her resolve to keep it all in and put a brave face on crumble.

  “Okay. Well... For starters, my career is over,” she said.

  Her voice was hard, and Ashley could hear the hurt in it, anger and resentment simmering, boiling really, just below the surface.

  “I thought I could go back, you know?” Tyler said. “I thought once I'd done all the rehab, and if I managed to get back to full fitness, that I would be able to keep my job.”

  Ashley nodded, knowing what would come next. Not many people who lost a limb ever went back on operations again or even remained into active service.

  Tyler of all people would have known that. But Ashley also knew how hard she would have fought to become an exception to the rule.

  “I can get out, honorable discharge etc., or I can spend the rest of my career behind a desk filling out paperwork and stuff.”

  “I’m sorry, Ty. What are you going to do?

  “It’s a no brainer. I hate paperwork.”

  Ashley was not surprised. She rubbed Tyler’s leg in sympathy, green eyes shining with kindness.

  “The Marines will finance any retraining I want to do, so at least that is something to fall back on.”

  “Absolutely. That is great news.”

  Ashley’s tone was warm and encouraging. Tyler nodded without enthusiasm.

  "Yeah, that's great," she muttered.

  Her eyes focused on a spot on the wall behind her friend.

  “I'll be okay,” she said with a shrug. “I’m not worried about making ends meet. But Collins…“

  "What about him?" Ashley asked softly.

  Tyler pursed her lips and refused to meet her eyes.

  “I won’t forgive them for Ben. No way.“

  “Forgive who?”

  “The Taliban. If I could, I’d get on the first plane back, grab a machine gun and just blast them all out of existence...”

  “Hey,” Ashley interrupted, alarmed. “Come on. That’s not the way, you know that.”

  She leaned forward and rested her finger under Tyler’s chin, turning her head gently until she could look into her eyes.

  “Tell me you don’t mean that,” she said softly.

  Tyler exhaled sharply.

  “I don’t know, Ash,” she said. “I just...”

  She rubbed her eyes, and shook her head a little. Sometimes when she thought about the friends she had lost to Afghanistan, the anger she felt was so strong it just overwhelmed her. But as she looked at Ashley now and noticed the concerned look in her eyes, mixed with compassion, and gentleness, images flashed in her mind of some of the villagers she had met. Some of the kids she had played with. All the smiles, all the encounters, all the real people who were caught in a horrible war they did not want. These were the ones she would always remember.

  Tyler had never been really good at holding on to her anger, and almost as if by magic it disappeared.

  “No, I guess I don’t mean it,” she admitted finally.

  Sighing, she leaned forward and rested her elbows on her thighs.

  “It just feels like a dream, Ash,” she mumbled. “You know?”

  "Yeah. I know."

  Tyler looked at her friend, her eyes intent and hoping for some answers.

  “I can’t remember much about what happened on that day, it’s driving me nuts. Did Lenster say anything to you?“

  Ashley took a deep breath, thinking back to when the man had related the events of a day he called the worst one of his life so far.

  She leaned a little closer to Tyler, rested her hand on her shoulder and spoke in a quiet voice.

  “He said the suicide bomber grabbed Ben just before he detonated. That Ben wrestled with him for a second and tried to drag him away from you…"

  Tyler winced at those words and she shivered. She had wondered about that, wondered about why she had come off so lightly when Collins had lost his life. She was not surprised to hear that at the very last second, her friend had tried to protect her. She wished he had run away instead and saved himself.

  Ashley decided to leave out the part when Lenster had told her about the smell. Of burnt flesh and blood, and body parts scattered all across the field.

  "What else did Lenster say?" Tyler insisted.

  Ashley sighed a little.

  “He saw Ben…”

  She hesitated, not sure how much to reveal.

  In the end she decided to go with the short version.

  “He wouldn’t have known a thing, Ty.”

  Tyler shook her head.

  “I don‘t know if that‘s not worse, in a way,” she observed darkly. “To not even be aware. I think I would want to know it’s coming.”

  Ashley tightened her grip on her shoulder and gently brushed a tear from her cheek.

  “Hey, come on,” she said softly. “It won’t help to dwell on these things. It won‘t help you to get bitter about it.”

  She watched as Tyler shook her head, looking lost in thoughts again.

  “Have you spoken to any of the other guys yet?” she asked.

  “No. Although I tried to call Ben’s wife several times,” Tyler said slowly.

  “How is she doing?”

  “She’s refusing to talk to me.”

  Ashley looked confused.

  “Why would she not want to talk to you?” she asked.

  Tyler hesitated.

  “She thinks it’s my fault that Ben was killed,” she said eventually.

  “That’s ridiculous!” Ashley exclaimed, instantly angry on her friend's behalf. “Why on earth would she think that?”

  “She needs someone to blame I guess. And she’s right. I should have been more careful.”

  Tyler had grown incredibly pale, and uncertainty shone in her eyes.

  “What? Tyler, come on,” Ashley exclaimed in disbelief. “There was no way you could have known.”

  Tyler shook her head, looking far from convinced, and Ashley felt it when she started to
tremble.

  “Come on,” she murmured. “Don’t get upset.”

  “I knew there was something off with that guy Ash,” Tyler said quietly. “I just didn’t figure it out quickly enough. So yeah, I made a mistake. I was in charge, and I let Ben down.”

  Ashley stared at her for a moment, considering the madness of that comment. Tyler was convinced that her friend’s death at the hands of a suicide bomber was her fault. This was a clear sign that she was not doing as well as Ashley had hoped she would be, not as well as Tyler would have wanted everyone to think, and it was time to do something about it.

  Ashley pushed her chair back and stood up.

  “Okay. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s enough of the heavy stuff for now,” she declared.

  Tyler looked up at her, making no effort to move.

  “So what do you want to do about it?” she asked, and she sounded a little annoyed.

  “Hey, don’t get mad at me, okay?” Ashley told her softly.

  “Sorry. And you still haven’t told me what you’re doing here.”

  Ashley stepped forward, and she pulled Tyler up with her as well. She wrapped her arms tightly around her waist again and exhaled slowly.

  “I wanted to see you. When I heard about what happened... Shit, Tyler, did you really think I was going to stay away?"

  Tyler finally relaxed into the embrace.

  "No," she said, smiling a little.

  Being with Ashley felt just like coming home. It was amazing, and yet something was missing.

  Tyler thought of Kate and her heart tightened.

  “Have you got a prosthetic yet?” Ashley asked, her breath warm against the side of her neck.

  “Yes.”

  “How are you getting on with it?”

  “Kind of shuffling along.”

  Ashley pulled back and flashed her a bright smile.

  “Cool. How about you put it on and I take you out to dinner. I‘ve got a business proposition for you.”

  PART TWO

  Chapter Thirteen

  Sausset Beach, South of France.

  Eight months later.

  “Are you sure you know how to do this?” Kate asked, trying hard not to burst out laughing.

  She watched as her friend Marion fiddled with the rear view mirror of their French hire car, switched on the wipers, swore, turned them off, did it again.

  “What, drive on the wrong side of the road?” Marion shot back with a confident wink. “Please. Have some faith.”

  “Just making sure, cos it's looking a bit iffy right now mate. Just saying.”

  “I learnt how to drive a tank when I was based at Catterick. So don’t you worry, I can handle this wee little thing.”

  Kate opened the window and rested her arm on the frame, laughing at her friend's determined attitude. She was not army for nothing, she thought, amused. Marion looked back at her, pleased to see her looking relaxed for once.

  Kate had returned from Afghanistan in one piece, but she was changed. Thoughtful. A little distant and withdrawn. Most of all, sad.

  “Are you enjoying yourself mate?” she asked.

  “I am. Thanks for bullying me into this, I do appreciate it."

  “Ha! You’re welcome. You are going to love Provence. And then in between scuba diving sessions and exploring the back country, perhaps you can find yourself a girlfriend for the holiday.”

  “I already have a girlfriend for the holiday,” Kate said.

  Marion threw her a stern look.

  “You know what I mean. One you can have wild, passionate, crazy sex with.”

  “As if,” Kate snorted.

  “Why not, mate?”

  “That’s not what I’m looking for.”

  “Again, why not?”

  “I’m happy on my own.”

  “Kate. I don't believe that for a second. You don't look happy for a start."

  Kate simply shrugged.

  "I'm fine."

  Marion started in on the now familiar, gentle lecture.

  "You need to move on, Katie, it's been almost a year now. Dwelling on that woman from Afghan isn’t going to get you anywhere. You know that, right?”

  Kate frowned at the mention of Tyler.

  “I mean, if she had been even slightly interested in seeing you again she would have left contact details, right?”

  Kate sighed a little and pursed her lips. She remembered how devastated she had been when she had finally made it to Staunton, only to be told that Tyler had already left. That she had been with a beautiful American woman when she had checked out of the rehab centre. And that she had not said where she was going or how she could be contacted.

  She had simply vanished.

  “Am I right?” Marion insisted.

  “I guess so,” Kate said, feeling deflated. “I mean, I am not holding out for her, you know…”

  She felt a tightening in her chest as she said that and shook her head. I just miss her so much, she thought. I just wish I could make sure that she is okay.

  Disappearing like this...

  It was so unlike Tyler.

  “Well, that’s good then," Marion declared.

  She took her eyes off the road long enough to flash Kate a warm smile, and she reached for her hand and gave her a heartfelt squeeze.

  “I just want you to have a good time, okay? Try to relax when we are there, and let’s just see what happens. Yes?”

  Kate nodded, ran a hand through her hair, and smiled.

  “Yes,” she said with conviction. “Absolutely.”

  When Marion had mentioned a “dive boat”, Kate had not imagined that they would get one as luxurious as the 120 foot catamaran she was now looking at. She loved boats, and that particular one looked amazing. It was a double decker with a full beam cabin at the front and an enlarged fly bridge. The mast was mounted on top. It looked sleek, comfortable and spacious, and Kate shook her head a little.

  She was in awe.

  “Wow,” she commented thoughtfully. “Not just any old RIB, eh?”

  “Nope. Only the best for us, darling. You like?”

  “I love it,” Kate said with a huge grin.

  “Come on then, let’s get on board.”

  The two women were part of a group of six learner divers aiming to get PADI qualified. The woman in charge of the dive school was fifty two year old Cathy DeMatteo, a local French woman. She had three other instructors on board with them, which ensured that each trainer would be in charge of no more than one pair of students.

  DeMatteo was a tall, no nonsense sort of woman with a cracking sense of humour, and a gift for making everybody feel comfortable. She had short cropped black hair, blue eyes, she smiled a lot, and she spoke perfect English punctuated by incomprehensible French exclamations and lots of hand movement.

  Kate relaxed as soon as they were on their way out of the harbour. When the dive brief started, she felt the tension of the past few months start to ease up a little. She smiled at Marion, and chuckled at the happy twinkle she saw in her eyes.

  “Thanks mate, this is great,” she whispered in her ear.

  DeMatteo explained that for the first day they would anchor off not far from Sausset, in a sheltered cove, and everybody would get familiarised with the diving equipment. Nice and easy. The boat was magnificent, the weather fantastic. Kate felt quietly excited when she thought of the few weeks in Provence ahead of her now.

  That is, until the instructors were introduced.

  The first two were a tall French guy and a fit looking American woman. Kate did not really hear their names or qualifications as DeMatteo introduced them to the group and assigned them to their pairs. Her eyes were on the woman who got introduced next as chief diver.

  As the ex-marines captain came to the front and gave a quick smile and a friendly wave to the group, Kate looked away sharply. A rush of emotions assaulted her. Relief was one of them. Panic was not too far off. She briefly wondered why. After all she had done nothing w
rong.

  When she looked back, after what seemed like ages, Tyler was standing right in front of her and Marion. Her bright, intense grey eyes were fixed firmly on Kate. She looked as surprised as Kate felt and also a little bit uncomfortable.

  “Kate, Marion, you’ll be with Ty,” DeMatteo declared.

  Kate remained rooted to the spot, unable to move. Next to her, Marion was introducing herself, grabbing Tyler’s hand, obviously pleased with the pairing for reasons that had nothing to do with diving, Kate knew. Tyler chatted politely to her, stealing glances at Kate a couple of times.

  “So, this is my friend, Kate,” Marion said, keen to introduce her.

  But her smile faded as soon as she saw the devastated look on her face.

  “Hey, what‘s wrong?” she exclaimed, alarmed.

  Kate gave her a quick, reassuring smile.

  “Nothing, don’t worry,” she said.

  She blinked hard, fighting to keep her composure, and she turned to face Tyler.

  “Hello.”

  Her voice was hard when she spoke. She was surprised by that, because it was sadness she felt. But she noticed in the way that Tyler hesitated that she had obviously come across as angry.

  “Hi Kate,” the ex-officer said in a low voice.

  Then she hesitated again.

  Marion was looking from one woman to the other, a mixture of concern and curiosity in her eyes.

  “Ty, you got a minute?” DeMatteo shouted from across the deck.

  “Yeah,” Tyler yelled back. “I’ll be right back,” she said, mainly to Kate, holding her gaze just long enough to get herself a curt nod in reply.

  Marion grabbed her friend's arm as soon as she left, and turned to her urgently.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked. “I thought you were okay, and now all of a sudden you look like you've seen a ghost."

  "Something like that."

  "Do you two know each other?”

  “It’s her, mate,” Kate said slowly, her eyes on Tyler as she stood talking quietly to her boss on the other side of the boat.

  “Her who?” Marion repeated, looking puzzled.

  “It’s Tyler.”

  “You mean the marine from Cobel? That Tyler?”