Jenna Petersen - [Lady Spies]

by Seduction Is Forever

  She wanted to be his wife, with everything in her being. After all her denials to everyone who confronted her with the truth, she could finally admit it, if only to herself. She loved this man. With everything in her, with all she wanted to be, but couldn’t. She loved him.

  Pain rocketed through her and it was impossible to tamp it down as she had in the past. Everything related to her feelings for Grant was so intense and had been from the very start.

  “No?” he repeated, his voice strangely empty. “Why Emily?”

  She panted out a breath. “There are so many reasons.”

  He pursed his lips. “Give me one.”

  She nodded. Yes, he deserved the truth. If he had it, he wouldn’t torment himself over losing her affection. He would probably thank his luck that he had.

  “You asked me once about my marriage,” she said softly. “And I wouldn’t give you an answer. Perhaps if I explain that to you now, you’ll understand.”

  He nodded, tension coursing through every fiber of his being. She motioned for the settee beside the fire and sat down in one of the chairs. Grant took his place and leaned forward, his stare focused on her with intensity.

  She drew in a long breath and readied herself to tell the story she had never revealed to anyone.

  “I’m certain when you began your investigation of me, you must have learned something about Seth in your research.”

  He frowned. “Yes. He flaunted his affairs.”

  She nodded even as hot blood rushed to her cheeks. His blunt statement made her want to run away, but she remained where she sat.

  “He enjoyed causing me pain by letting me know exactly who he had in his bed. Where. When. And how, when he thought it would hurt me.”

  She turned away. Even though it had been so long, the memories still brought her pain and humiliation. Just as Seth had wanted them to.

  “He was a bastard,” Grant growled.

  She held her breath. That was the perfect opening, wasn’t it? The perfect place to tell him the one thing she’d never told a living soul. Even Meredith and Ana.

  Their eyes locked and she let the confession spill from her lips. “No. I was the bastard.”

  Grant drew back, his brow wrinkling with confusion. “I don’t understand.”

  She tilted her chin downward. “My childhood was a hell I rarely speak of. My mother delighted in many affairs, but only one produced a child. I was a late-coming and very unwelcome surprise that only reminded her husband of her faithless nature.”

  She thought of her father and all his moods with a shiver.

  “He couldn’t deny me in public or he would have to admit that she cuckolded him regularly. His pride refused to allow that. So he showed me every advantage a child of his name could have…and treated me like the lowest form of life whenever there were no outsiders to see his cruelty. The children who were truly of his blood took their cues from him and treated me just as badly.”

  She stared off into nothingness as memories assaulted her. “Every day I wished I was someone else. Wished I could put on a costume and become another girl with another life.”

  “That is why the idea of disguise came so naturally to you,” Grant said quietly. “Why you took to it so easily.”

  She nodded, surprised at how freeing it was to confess this dark secret. It was almost a relief to finally tell someone about her past, even though she knew full well what the result would be.

  “When I came of age, my ‘father’ couldn’t wait to get me out of the house. He made an advantageous match with Seth Redgrave, who would ultimately become Earl of Allington. I thought certain my life with him couldn’t be any worse than my existence at home. I entered the marriage with the hopes any bride has in her heart.”

  She winced as she recalled her naivete. Her wide-eyed innocence when it came to dreams of the happily-ever-after of a fairy tale. “Seth was young, he was handsome, I hoped in time he might come to care for me and that we would have children that I could love and give the childhood I was denied.”

  “But what happened?” Grant asked, his deep voice soothing her.

  She sighed. “My father was great friends with Seth’s father. That was how the match was made. One night they were deep in their cups and my father confessed the truth he had kept secret for so many years. He told Lord Allington that I was a bastard.”

  Grant flinched. “Old Allington was well known for his views on aristocratic blood and purity.”

  She gave a brittle smile. Oh, how she knew that.

  “Yes, he was. He was enraged that a bastard had come into his family. He wanted to shoot my father, he was so angry. He wanted to have the marriage declared illegal, but to do so would have been very complicated and would have ended up dragging the spotless Allington name through the mud. Instead, he told Seth the truth and made him promise never to let me get with child. He told him that he’d have to allow the title to pass to one of his younger brothers or one of their children rather than have it come to a son he bore with me.”

  Grant reached for her hand and held it loosely. His eyes held hers, drew her in. All his emotions were plain there. His anger at her father and her husband for their treatment, his empathy for the pain she had endured, and his wish to ease that pain.

  “How could he allow that?” he whispered.

  She laughed. “Quite easily, apparently. Poor Seth was never one to stand up to his father. Even after the old man died, he was too afraid not to live by the rules Allington outlined. So instead, he vented his rage at me. In his eyes, it became my fault that he wouldn’t fulfill his destiny and pass the title to a son. He continued to take his husbandly rights, but he gave up all pretense of my pleasure. And he began to cuckold me publicly in order to prove that he was virile, that it was me who was the cause of our lack of children.”

  Grant hissed out a dark curse.

  She winced. “It was very painful, an empty existence. Which is why, when my husband died, I was so open to Charlie’s offer of joining the Society. Why I love being a spy so much. All the control I didn’t have with my father, with Seth, I have taken in the life I lead now.”

  Grant nodded. “I understand that. And as I said, I would never require that you give that up. But I don’t understand why what you’ve told me should come between us. If anything, hearing about your past and seeing what kind of strong woman you have become, has made me love you more.”

  Her mouth gaped open. “Do you not understand? I’m a bastard. And you once told me, quite vehemently, that you would never accept illegitimacy. Every time we made love, your actions reinforced your words. No matter how intense the passion became, you were never so swept away that you poured your seed into my body.”

  Grant shook his head, but Emily plowed forward.

  “My blood is tainted. I can only be a man of your rank’s lover, not his wife.”

  “That isn’t true—” he began.

  She barked out a laugh. “I lived it, I know it is true. Your family line is so fine and respected. If anyone found out you were married to a woman with my history, it could hurt you. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for such a thing. And I couldn’t bear it if you grew to resent me for that fact. So I can’t marry you, Grant. I can’t take the risk.”

  He moved for her. “Emily—”

  “Don’t, please don’t,” she cried, finally allowing her emotions to bubble over. “Just go!”

  Before he could reply, the parlor door opened and Benson stood in the entryway. “I apologize, my lady, but you have a guest.”

  Emily let out her breath in a gust of frustration. “I’m in the middle of something, Benson.”

  “I realize that, my lady, but the woman said you were expecting her. It is Lady Westfield.”

  Emily spun on her butler in disbelief. Lady M was here, at this very moment? Oh God, their “bargain.” She had promised to reveal the truth about her identity to Grant if Emily admitted her feelings for him. If her spymaster had been informed of Grant’s arrival
at Emily’s home, Lady M might have come to collect on that bargain.

  Emily stared at Grant. He hadn’t moved, even when the servant interrupted. He was still just a few paces away, but now he was staring from her to Benson and back again with an expression of utter surprise.

  “Why is my mother here, Emily?” he asked softly so that the butler wouldn’t hear.

  She shook her head. “Benson, allow her ladyship in.”

  The servant bowed away, leaving the door open. Emily could hear him speaking to Lady Westfield in the hallway. They only had a few seconds before they would be interrupted.

  “Grant,” she murmured, searching his eyes. In a few moments, he would have the biggest shock of his life. And despite her declarations that they couldn’t be together, she hated to think that he would be hurt. “I hope you’ll understand.”

  He drew back. “Understand what?”

  “Good evening, Grant,” Lady Westfield said as she swept into the room.

  Chapter 22

  Grant faced his mother with what he hoped was a smile. He wasn’t certain the expression was very warm, though. He was still reeling from Emily’s confession, her refusal to accept his proposal and now all her cryptic statements about his mother. His brother was right. Women were infinitely frustrating.

  As he stepped forward to greet his mother, she pressed a kiss against his cheek, but her attention was focused only on Emily.

  The women locked eyes and Grant was struck, just as he had been at breakfast the morning after Emily’s injury, that the two of them had a connection he didn’t fully comprehend. If anything, it seemed stronger now.

  “Emily,” she said softly.

  “My lady.”

  “Will one of you be kind enough to tell me what is going on here?” Grant finally asked, looking back and forth between them. “Mother, what are you doing here? And why do you and Emily seem to be sharing communications I’m not privy to?”

  Again the two women exchanged a glance. To Grant’s surprise, his mother shifted nervously. He’d never seen her like this in his entire life. She was always so calm, so secure.

  “What is it?” he asked, softening his tone. “Are you well?”

  She nodded. “Yes. I actually came here to congratulate you both on a job well done,” his mother said, her voice cracking a fraction.

  He met her eyes and saw a plethora of emotion within. And something else. Something he had never recognized there before. A strength very much like Emily’s. A determination.

  “Congratulate us?” he repeated, measuring his tone. He shot a glance at Emily, but she had backed into the corner of the room and stood, hands clasped in front of her. She seemed to be waiting for something.

  His heart rate increased.

  “Grant, I have not been entirely honest with you and perhaps that was wrong of me. You see, I know what you are,” his mother said softly. “I’ve known you were a spy, a very decorated, very good spy, for a long time. I have been so proud of your work, even though I couldn’t say anything.”

  Grant jolted back. She knew? No, that wasn’t possible. He had been so careful. Ben was the only person who knew his secret and his brother would never endanger their mother by telling her the truth.

  Did that mean Emily had told her? She wouldn’t do that, would she?

  “What are you talking about?” he asked weakly, knowing this denial was anything but believable. But he was too astonished to know what to say.

  His mother moved toward him and caught his hands. “My darling,” she hesitated. “When your father died, I was at a loss. I was so very empty. You know my family history. But I saw a place for me to protect my country. My family. I formed a group of spies. Female spies.”

  Her words sunk in and Grant yanked his hands away. Shock hit him in ever growing waves until the whole room swam around him.

  “Female spies,” he repeated.

  He looked over his shoulder. Emily’s hand was covering her mouth and she was staring at his mother. But she didn’t seem surprised by the news.

  “That isn’t possible,” he said, backing away.

  His mother nodded slowly. “It is. I know your War Department chatters about them from time to time. You all wonder if they are real, perhaps even mock their ability—but then you met one in the flesh.”

  She motioned to Emily. Grant looked at her and found she was nodding.

  “Emily’s group,” he whispered as the truth slipped into place. “How can that be?”

  A smile tilted his mother’s lips. “It is amazing what one can do with ingenuity, connections, and a great deal of money. But the longer this went on, the more difficult it became to keep the secret. This family has never made it a habit to lie to each other. And someone made me realize that I could no longer protect you by keeping you in the dark about my work.”

  Grant spun on Emily and she flinched. “You? You knew and told her to confess?”

  Emily jerked out a nod.

  His mother touched his arm. “Emily has only known a short time.”

  “How long?”

  Emily jolted away from the accusation in his tone, but he could not temper it. He wouldn’t. Here Emily had gone on about trust, lies, and she had been keeping something so huge from him.

  She cleared her throat, refusing to meet his stare. “I began to suspect after I was injured. You told me her name was Lady M. That is the moniker of my group’s spymaster.”

  “Lady M,” he repeated, his dull tone not at all reflective of the betrayal he felt. “That was why you asked for her that night you were hurt. That was why you were so quiet after I told you my father called my mother by that name when he lived.”

  She nodded. “I suspected the truth that afternoon, but I didn’t ask her. We were so enmeshed in our investigation, I wanted to resolve it before I attempted to discover if my intuition was correct. I suppose I was afraid, as well.”

  “And why didn’t you tell me?” Grant shook his head. “Why didn’t you confide what you thought in me?”

  “It was ludicrous!” Emily cried, throwing her hands in the air. “Madness to accuse a woman of your mother’s caliber, of her respectability, of something so shocking. If I was wrong, I didn’t want to tell you that kind of thing about your mother. If I was right—” She broke off. “I was too terrified and exhilarated by the idea that I could be right. Lady M has been a woman I adored, loved, respected for so long.”

  Grant drew in a harsh breath. Her explanations rang true and some of his betrayal and anger dissipated. “When did you know for certain?”

  “Tonight,” she admitted. “I was at her home before I found you waiting here for me.”

  Grant nodded. At least she hadn’t duped him for days or weeks. Or months or years. He turned to his mother and examined her face carefully. She still looked the same, but everything had changed in an instant. Now he didn’t know how to handle her. What to say.

  “How could you go behind my back for so long?” he finally asked.

  His mother pursed her lips. “Did I miss the day when you came to me and confessed that you were a spy for the War Department?”

  He shook his head. “That is different!”

  A step forward brought her closer and Grant could see the incredulous expression on her face.

  “Different?” she repeated with sarcasm. “How? It is the same lie, and given for the same reason. We each wanted to protect the other from worry.”

  He opened his mouth, but could think of no good retort. She was right, blast her.

  “Grant, you are my eldest child and I love you so very much for the responsible, strong man you’ve become.” She touched his hand. “But you sometimes live in a world of black and white, of double standards.”

  He scrunched his brow in disbelief. “How so?”

  She smiled. “You believe only you can endanger yourself, no one else. That only you know best to protect everyone around you. From the world and from themselves. But the weight of the world isn’t yours to bear.
Not in life.” She cast a glance at Emily. “And not in love. I shall continue on as spymaster of my group, and Emily will work for me. If you love her, you’ll find a way to accept even the things that you don’t agree with.”

  Grant pursed his lips. “I already have, Mother. If you want to lecture someone, lecture your spy. She is the one who claims she has no interest in marrying me.”

  His mother’s gaze grew sharp and she turned on Emily suddenly. “Is this true?”

  Emily hesitated a fraction, then nodded. “Yes.”

  “And did you follow through with our bargain? Did you hear Grant out and then tell him your own feelings?”

  Grant arched a brow. They had made a bargain on such a thing? He wasn’t certain whether to be humiliated or amused by his mother’s interference. He stared at Emily, waiting for her response.

  She halted, her face twisting. “Well—”

  “I came here and admitted the truth to Grant about my role as Lady M. Now I ask that you live up to your end of our agreement,” his mother said in stern tones.

  Emily moved forward, eyes wide. “I never promised—”

  “Emily!”

  Grant drew back at the sharp, commanding tone his mother took. She really was a spymaster. A general. And Emily was an insubordinate troop at present.

  Emily’s breath shook as she struggled to regain her composure. But finally she turned on him.

  “More secrets?” he asked. “More confessions?”

  She shook her head and he saw her fighting her emotions. The battle gave him hope, even if it was just a flicker. If she was trying so hard to deny him, didn’t that mean there was something to deny? Perhaps she did care after all.

  “No more secrets, Grant. You mother wants me to admit something that I am loath to do. Because nothing good can come of it.”

  “Admit what?” He could hardly breathe as he waited.

  She shivered. “I—I am in love with you.”

  “Emily,” Grant breathed. He stared at her, his beautiful warrior. The strongest woman he had ever known, the only one he wanted by his side for the rest of his life. And she loved him. “Then why did you turn away from me the night Leary died? Why deny me now when I poured my heart out to you?”