The Adventures of Duncan & Mallory

by Robert Asprin

  “What’s wrong, Dunc?”

  “I just want to get out of here long before anyone has a chance of figuring out what we did. You know I didn’t save them from anything, that you aren’t really a blood-thirsty, mindless beast. Those were nice people. I like being their hero even if I didn’t save them from anything.”

  “You did save them from something, Dunc. You saved them from Earl.”

  “Yeah, I guess. I’d still rather get out of here while they still like me.”

  * * * *

  As soon as the weather had warmed enough for the steam heat to keep the upstairs rooms comfortable, they had moved their beds to separate rooms. Duncan woke up the next morning and the first thing he saw was the bamboo and straw woman he’d made. He nearly screamed thinking it was a giant stick man. Which it wasn’t. It was a giant stick woman.

  “That’s not funny,” he hissed. He jumped out of bed, grabbed her up and headed for the boiler room.

  “No woman of mine’s going to make a fool of me,” Duncan swore. He broke her up and stuffed her pieces into the furnace mumbling, “I’m tired of being the butt of everyone’s jokes.” He started the fire going, having no guilt at all. She shouldn’t have scared him if she wanted to live.

  By the time the first rays of the sun were peeking through the trees, Duncan had pulled the gangplank up, cast off, and had the boat rolling down the river.

  It was near midday before Mallory appeared carrying a tin can full of coffee which he handed to Duncan. The can was too hot for Duncan’s hand, so he set it down and motioned for Mallory to take the wheel.

  He had noticed a long time ago that the dragon’s perceptions of hot and cold were different than his own. The dragon didn’t seem to even notice heat that would burn Duncan’s skin, and he seemed not to get as cold as quick. Mallory hated to get cold, though, and it seemed to take him longer to get warm again.

  “We never did get a map,” Mallory said.

  “Forgot all about it. We’re still on the Sliding West, though, because I’ve been watching for the two rivers to become one again.”

  Mallory nodded thoughtfully. “When that happens, or just before it does, I’m thinking there will be a port on the river, and I’m guessing a good-sized one.”

  “Why?” Duncan didn’t understand. After all, the locals were afraid of the river.

  “Because the Sliding West doesn’t slide, remember?”

  “So?” Duncan shrugged not getting it.

  “So if it doesn’t slide that means the end of it would be a great place for a harbor and a town. It’s expensive to build docks along the Sliding because it moves. Mostly you have little floating docks you can relocate after a slide. Someplace like the Sliding West that connects to the Sliding but never moves would be the perfect place for a major port. We could dock the boat there, get a map, and then try all the villages within hiking distance in the interior of Winterhurst. You know, places that might need to be saved from a murderous, rampaging dragon.”

  “What if there isn’t a harbor?”

  Mallory shrugged. “Then it would still be a good place to dock the boat, and we can still walk inland to look for villages.”

  “Without a map?”

  “There’s going to be a harbor there,” Mallory assured him. “What’s this thingy?” he asked, pointing at a gauge on a panel just right of the wheel.

  “I think it says how fast we’re going.”

  “How fast does it say were going?”

  “I said I think that’s what it is. I don’t know for sure, and I sure don’t know how to read it.”

  “You know, eventually we’re going to have to learn more about sailing this boat,” Mallory said.

  “I keep hoping we’ll come across an owner’s manual, but if we do it will probably be in some language neither of us can read.” Duncan picked up the can of coffee, which was now cool enough to hold, and took a sip. “Hey Mal, what are we going to do with all our money?”

  Mallory laughed. “Why spend it, of course. We’re going to live like kings. This is just the beginning, my friend! It’s our destiny to be rich.”

  “I was thinking maybe we should buy some things we need for the boat. Maybe paint it inside and out, get some real cups, stuff like that.”

  “Of course, that goes without saying. Two such wealthy gentlemen as we can’t be living in a dump like this.”

  * * * *

  The harbor at the end of the Sliding West was huge. A city built on the river, home to a mixture of different creatures and conflicting technology. The buildings were mostly made of brick or stone, but the roofs were made of leaves from the palm trees that grew all throughout the town and the wooded area behind it. The leaves were thick, so Duncan got the feeling that instead of changing leaves every year they just added another layer.

  The dock was wooden boardwalks sitting on rock and concrete peers. For two coins a month they rented a slip for their boat at the marina.

  Noslide—not a very imaginative name in Duncan’s opinion—was a hopping little city. It was full of shops that sold a multitude of items, and for every shop there was a casino or night club.

  Mallory increased their stash of coins by gambling in the clubs at night. Duncan split his time between watching Mallory’s back, chasing women, and drinking more beer than he probably should.

  During the day they shopped for the things they needed for the boat and painted it inside and out. They christened it Demon Home. Mallory said that painting such a name on the hull—which Mallory did using his tail because he had more reach that way—would avoid future lawsuits.

  “You know, in case people come on board uninvited and are scared to death by the demon,” Mallory said as he finished the last stroke.

  “But I don’t understand,” Duncan said. He took the brush from the dragon’s tail. “They shouldn’t be on our boat unless we invite them. And if I did invite someone I’d tell them about the demon. If someone comes on the boat and they aren’t supposed to be on it and he scares them to death, as far as I’m concerned it’s their own fault.”

  “Yes, but depending on where you are, the law may not see it that way. There are places where if a person gets hurt while robbing you or your home, you can be sued for their personal injury.”

  “What’s sued mean?”

  “They can take your money.”

  “Let me get this straight. Someone breaks onto our boat to rob us. He gets scared by the demon that we certainly didn’t invite to attach itself to our boat, and ends up hurt or dead. Then they can get money from us because they were hurt?”

  “That’s right.”

  “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

  “Then you just haven’t lived long enough, Duncan.” Mallory laughed.

  Duncan nodded with appreciation looking at the sign on their boat. “Good job,” he said. “Sort of makes it seem more like home in a way.” He looked at the dragon. “Do you ever miss them, Mal?”

  “Who?” Mallory asked. He walked back into the main room with the paint can as Duncan followed with the brush.

  “Your family, your people.”

  Mallory smiled and put the lid back on the paint. “I don’t have people.”

  “You know what I mean!”

  Mallory made a noise that was as close to a raspberry as a dragon could make. He shrugged his shoulders, took the brush from Duncan and went to the kitchen to clean it in the sink.

  “Do you?” Duncan prompted, following him.

  “Truthfully?” Mallory did seem to think about the question then. “I sometimes miss what I think it ought to have been. Family ought to be those who know you and understand you and love you no matter what. I never fit in, so they always made a point of telling me that I was different and by different they meant wrong. Maybe I would miss home if I’d ever felt like I had a home.”

  “Me too,” Duncan said. “This boat feels more like home to me than my ‘home’ ever did. You feel more like family to me than my old
man. You know what I mean?”

  Mallory looked away quickly then and whispered so low Duncan almost couldn’t hear him, “Yeah, I know what you mean.” Then he quickly laughed. “What a bunch of sappy crap! Let’s go out and get some dinner. I’ve got my mouth all set for a nice fresh salad—maybe with some beets. I love beets.”

  “Little too much like a turnip if you ask me, and I’ve eaten enough turnips to last me a lifetime.”

  Duncan followed Mallory off the boat and down the dock towards town. “So the boat’s all painted, and we’ve spent about as much money as we can afford to spend on outfitting and stocking her. We’ve learned enough about towns all across Winterhurst, so I think it’s time we lock our boat up and head inland to seek our fortune.”

  Duncan scoffed at the notion that they’d spent most of their money. He knew that was a lie. Nearly every day Mallory played cards, and every time he played, he won more money. The dragon was hiding money from him and he knew it. Duncan kept looking for his secret stash, but he never found it. “We still have at least one hundred coins in the safe,” Duncan said in a whisper to Mallory without telling him that he knew he had more somewhere else.

  The safe was a plank in the floor under the bar they fixed to come up, so that they could hide stuff under it. Duncan got the feeling that the dragon had a need to hoard. While it was annoying to never know how much money they had it was also reassuring to know that there was always more money than he thought they had.

  “You have seen, my friend, how fast we can blow through a hundred coins,” Mallory said, waving one of his claws through the air. “Look, we’ve been flush and we’ve been broke. Which is more comfortable?”

  “To be flush,” Duncan admitted.

  “So there is no sense in waiting around till we’re broke again to get more work, is there?”

  “Get more work.” Duncan laughed. “I like the way you call it work.”

  “If it’s how we make money, then it’s work,” Mallory said with a chuckle. “And admit it, being a hero can be tiring work. I know running around looking hungry and crazy is.” He changed the subject. “Where is that clothing shop where you bought those new boots and the short pants?”

  “Down this way.” Duncan started leading him.

  “I need a cloak.”

  “A cloak in this weather! Soon it will be like a furnace.”

  “Why wait till the cold weather to buy a cloak? Besides, I think you’ll find the cloak I have in mind can be used for more than just staying warm in the cold weather.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Bilgewater slid out of his saddle and looked up one road and then down the other. He rubbed his chin as Sadie rode up beside him and got off her horse, rubbing her backside.

  “Seriously, Bilge, let’s cut our losses and head for the harbor. We aren’t going to find them, and I’m tired of looking. Let’s just go to a nice city for awhile, play same good games, and eat some real food.”

  “We missed them in that last little town by hours.”

  “Maybe they’ve quit that con and moved on.”

  “Would you? They’ve pulled this con twice now and made a bunch of coin each time. They aren’t going to stop now, and you know it.” Bilgewater looked at the road signs on the post ahead of them. The arrow pointing left said Buck Snort. The one pointing right said Wart Haven. Neither sounded like a very pleasant, much less prosperous, place.

  He was about to suggest they head to Buck Snort since it was slightly closer when down the road to Wart Haven something caught his eye.

  He started towards it. “There is something tacked to that tree.” He pointed and Sadie sighed but started to follow him. Bilgewater laughed as he pulled the paper from the tree and tossed it towards Sadie.

  She looked at the crude picture on it and read the words out loud.

  “Wanted. Preferably dead. Small—but way too big for us—dragon. Fifty coin reward.” Sadie looked thoughtful. “Fifty coins? I doubt Duncan and Mallory would go to the trouble of causing trouble for a mere fifty coins.”

  “They wouldn’t bother to get out of bed. Oh this isn’t Duncan’s price, Sadie. Don’t you see? They don’t want to pay what Duncan is asking. They’re shopping around, trying to find someone who works cheaper.”

  “You think anyone will?” Sadie asked. “Do you think we should volunteer? We know he’s not going to kill us. He doesn’t even eat meat, and fifty coins isn’t bad….”

  “I’m thinking there is a much better way to make money in Wart Haven with those two in town. And if someone else shows up, well that just might play right into our hands.” Bilgewater laughed and jumped back into his saddle.

  Sadie gave him a dirty look and then climbed into hers. “Bilgewater, I hope you at least have an inkling of a clue what you’re doing.”

  “My dear girl, you can bet on it.” Bilgewater turned his horse in the direction of the town. “Let’s go to Wart Haven. It sounds like a lovely place.”

  * * * *

  Mallory looked at the poster hanging on the tree, frowned, and turned to Duncan. “Seriously, this picture is insulting. I’ve seen better heads on a pimple. I should level the whole town on principle. There is nothing terrifying in that face! It’s just blue and rather silly.”

  “We’ve got bigger problems than a messed up the picture on your wanted posters,” the human said.

  “Like what? Reputation is everything you know.”

  “Like there are wanted posters at all, Mallory. They have stuck them everywhere,” Duncan said in disbelief. “They are trying to find a dragon slayer who will work cheaper than I do. Why don’t I just tell them I’ll do it for the fifty coins?”

  “Hush your mouth!” Mallory clicked his tongue. “Duncan, Duncan, Duncan, if you devalue yourself like that you’ll never be able to make a hundred coins for slaying a dragon ever again. It’s a skill few people have. Don’t sell yourself short.”

  “It’s a skill I don’t have, either. It’s all a big gag.”

  “I don’t see why you’re getting all worked up. It’s not like someone is painting bad pictures of you.”

  “Hey, smarty pants, what if they get fifty people up in here hunting for you for the fifty coins? That’s a lot of money to most people, and too many people for either of us to handle.”

  “No one’s stupid enough to tangle with a dragon. I mean, look at me. I could tear a man from ear to ear. Of course you really can’t tell that looking at this piece of crap picture.”

  “I can’t believe the only problem you can see is that it’s not a flattering picture of you.”

  “Ah ha, you admit it’s a bad picture.”

  “That’s not the point, Mal.”

  “Look, I know creature nature. No one is going to put their neck on the line for fifty coins. They’d have to be desperate, with no other income and…pretty sure they could kill me before I killed them.”

  “Hello! You wouldn’t hurt a fly. You’re a pacifist and a vegetarian. Most days you’re about as scary as a caged gerbil.”

  “Have you ever been bit by a gerbil? They have sharp, pointy teeth….”

  “Could you focus for a minute, dragon?”

  “Admit it. I’m pretty scary when I want to be.”

  “Well you didn’t scare these people enough to jump at the chance at hiring a real live dragon slayer like me. The last little town we did was a cinch. In and out in less than two days and a hundred coins richer. This one…. Well, they’re more organized, and their mayor—while not as crooked—is every bit as shrewd as Earl was.”

  “You’re worrying over nothing, Dunc. Look, you go on back to town and hang out looking available and dragon-slayer-ish. I’ll come through town in about an hour and do some more terrorizing stuff. I didn’t see anyone in that town that looked to me like they were getting ready to come after me, did you?”

  “No not really. They were mostly running and screaming.”

  “Then don’t lose your cool. This is easy money,” Mallory said.
>
  Duncan nodded, and Mallory watched him as he walked back towards Wart Haven town.

  * * * *

  Mallory ran into town gnashing his teeth, roaring, and mostly throwing trash cans around. People scattered in all directions in front of him. He threw some random fire balls around, careful not to do any real damage.

  After all it wasn’t really about trashing the town. They were in it for the money.

  He had done enough roaring and thrown enough fire that his throat was sore, so he ran back out of town towards their camp.

  Mallory had just run past the last house on the very edge of town when he caught the sound of a child crying. He turned and saw a little girl sitting under a window at the back of the house sobbing. She was obviously so terrified of him she couldn’t even run, and he instantly felt like the world’s biggest heel.

  Instead of running into the woods to hide till his services were further needed, Mallory found himself walking up to the child. He hunkered down to her level. In the gentlest voice he could muster he said, “Hey kid, I’m not really a bad guy. I’m just pretending. I’m not really going to eat anyone or burn up anyone’s house. You don’t need to be scared of me.”

  The little girl looked up at him and managed to smile through her tears. “Oh, I’m not afraid of you.”

  “You aren’t!?” Mallory was indignant.

  “No. Let’s face it, if you were going to do any of that stuff you would have done it already,” she said with a shrug.

  Mallory nodded. That made sense. He hoped the town’s people weren’t as smart as this kid. “Then what’s wrong?”

  “Listen.” She pointed towards the window. When he listened it was easy to hear that the couple inside was fighting.

  “Seriously, Jack, there isn’t a scrap of food in the house,” a woman’s voice said.

  “But dear….”

  “You just took all our money and bet it on the dragon to win.”

  “But dear, it’s a sure bet….”

  “First off, if the dragon wins there is a good chance we’ll all be dead. Second off, isn’t that exactly what you said about the beans, Jack? Magic this and magic that. You traded our milk cow for a handful of beans and look how good that turned out. We had to move!”