The Survivor and his Safe Place

by Rebecca James

  Oh, God. Fucking hell.

  Pushing past Dante, I strode through the house and out the front door, not stopping until I got to my Harley.

  I’d just shown Caleb a side of me I’d never wanted him to see. I hadn’t even fucking known he was in the house, or I wouldn’t have allowed Dante to send me over the edge.

  “Ax!” Isaac called to me, and I turned to see him running across the yard after me, dark hair falling over his face from the loose knot on his head.

  I swung my leg over my bike and grabbed my helmet.

  Isaac skidded to a stop.

  “Ax, wait, please. I didn’t mean I thought you’d hurt Caleb,” he said. “It’s you I’m worried about getting hurt.”

  I frowned. “What are you talking about? Caleb couldn’t hurt me.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  It suddenly dawned on me Isaac understood the strength of my feelings for the kid.

  “For three years I’ve watched you watching him,” he said softly. “Putting your own life on hold. He’s come a long way, especially recently, but he still has so far to go. He might get there—I hope he does—but it may take years before he’s ready to be in a relationship. You deserve more.” He stared at me with dark, mournful eyes, and my anger crumbled.

  “Sorry I spoke that way to you,” I muttered. “And what I said about Dante.”

  Isaac smiled wryly. “We all know there’s a disconnect between Dante’s emotions and his common sense,” he said. “And nobody knows better than I do what a whore he was before he got with me or what he put me through. Believe me, I don’t let him forget it.”

  I ran my hand through my hair and gazed off at the trees at the edge of the driveway. “God, Isaac, I’ve ruined everything. Caleb saw me acting like a fucking animal. No way he’s going to trust me now.”

  I shook my head and the sound of me revving up my bike drowned out whatever Isaac said before I tore off down the driveway.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Caleb

  “You okay, kid?” Dante asked me. Isaac had run out of the kitchen after Axel. I was a little surprised Dante was okay with that, but then again, despite what I’d just witnessed, I couldn’t imagine Axel hurting Isaac.

  I nodded jerkily, fingers wrapping around my cell phone, which I’d come back to the house for. Seeing Axel enraged had both shocked and scared me, but the look on his face when he’d realized I was in the room had washed it away and made me want to go after him like Isaac had.

  “What was going on?” I asked instead. “Why were you and Axel fighting?”

  “He was being an asshole to Isaac,” Dante said, then sighed. “It was just a fight. Not the first time we’ve gone after each other, and it won’t be the last.”

  I shuddered, not wanting to think something like that could happen again. I’d been horrified to come in the front door and hear the shouting and brawling coming from the kitchen. It had taken everything in me to make my feet move forward to see what was happening.

  “I’ve never seen Axel that way.”

  “Yeah, well, he has a bad temper.”

  The idea was inconceivable to me. I couldn’t imagine Axel being a jerk to Isaac or having a bad temper. Then again, an hour ago, I wouldn’t have been able to imagine him raising his voice, let alone his fist.

  “He must have had a good reason,” I said, clinging to the patient, kind Axel who loved the animals at the shelter that I knew.

  “As far as I’m concerned, there isn’t a good reason for talking that way to Isaac.” The anger in Dante’s words had me taking a step away from him, and he immediately looked contrite.

  “Sorry. I’m still a little angry. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

  I needed to hear Axel’s side of the story. As I turned toward the front door, I heard the roar of a motorcycle. I met Isaac in the hallway.

  “Did Axel leave?” I asked, oddly disappointed and relieved at the same time. Most of the time these days I felt like two people. Dana said that was a good thing because the old untraumatized me was fighting his way to the surface.

  “Yeah,” Isaac said. He looked upset.

  “Did he really yell at you?”

  “I wouldn’t have called it yelling. He raised his voice after I made him angry,” Isaac said. He put a hand on my arm. “Axel would never hurt me, Caleb. I wasn’t scared of him and never have been once I got to know him.”

  “W-what did you say to him that made him so angry?”

  A flicker in Isaac’s expression before he schooled it told me it had been about me.

  “Oh, I can’t even remember exactly, but everything’s okay. He apologized, and so did I. We’re good.” Isaac continued into the kitchen, and I walked out of the house into the hot sunshine feeling awful.

  The day had been going so well, with the picnic and the fairly easy conversation I’d had with Axel. I wished I hadn’t returned to Isaac and Dante’s for my cell phone.

  I cringed, remembering Axel’s angry face and his bulging muscles that looked as though he could tear a man in two with their strength. How well did I really know Axel Bryant? Just because he wasn’t violent when he visited didn’t mean he never was. I thought about asking Isaac about it, but after the way he’d just so obviously covered up the fact he and Axel had argued over me, I didn’t want to.

  Dante had said Axel had a bad temper. There was no reason for him to lie.

  Still, I wanted another opinion. I dug my cell out of my pocket, aware I was taking another big step. I pushed forward anyway and dialed.

  ****

  Axel hadn’t attended Sunday dinner, and I’d backed out when he hadn’t shown. I’d had to wait several days in order for both Lake and Morgan to be able to come over, and the time had been spent with me alternately freaking out about having them over and my worry about Axel.

  “I’m glad you could both come,” I said when Lake and Morgan arrived. “I’m sure the invitation was a surprise.”

  The two men looked like they wanted to protest, and I smiled. “It’s okay. I realize I’m not the most outgoing person…at least not anymore. I closed the door and resisted rechecking the lock. “I’m trying to put myself out there. I’m pretty comfortable with you two, so I thought I’d start here.”

  Morgan smiled. “I’m glad you’re comfortable with us.” He was a good-looking guy, with dark hair and eyes. He moved gracefully. I’d heard he danced ballet.

  “Hope you guys both like pizza because I can’t cook,” I said, feeling a little awkward.

  “Love it,” Lake said, and Morgan agreed. We had a quick discussion of toppings, and I ordered the food to be delivered.

  “I have Coke, Sprite, Mountain Dew, and bottled water.” I gestured to the table where it was all spread out. “Help yourself.”

  I said a silent prayer for conversation to flow easily.

  “I’ll admit I have an ulterior motive to asking you over,” I said as Lake and I poured our drinks and Morgan chose a water bottle before getting comfortable in the overstuffed chair.

  “What’s that?” Lake asked, raising a brow. Blaze’s boyfriend was an odd mixture of soft and stinging, like a beautiful creature you automatically wanted to get near but you knew could shoot you with a poisonous barb if riled. His long blond hair fell in waves on his shoulders, and his lovely green eyes had a way of gazing at a person like he could see right to the center them. It could be unnerving, but the more I got to know him, the more I saw the vulnerable man underneath.

  “I do want to get to know you both better, but I also want to pick your brains,” I said.

  Lake gave me a knowing look. “About Ax?”

  My face flushed. “Um. Is it that obvious?”

  Morgan and Lake exchanged looks.

  “Not so much on your part as on his. We’ve seen the way he looks at you.” Lake slipped off his shoes and tucked his feet under himself on the couch as he sipped his Sprite.

  I wasn’t sure what that meant. How did Axel look at me? I c
ouldn’t find the courage to ask.

  “What do you want to know?” Morgan asked. “We’ll answer if we can.”

  “Dante says Axel has a bad temper, but he’s always been really nice to me. I can’t imagine him being angry—or, at least, I couldn’t until I saw him and Dante going at it the other day.”

  Morgan chuckled. “It doesn’t take much to get those two going at each other. But to answer your question, I’ve heard Axel has a bad temper, but I’ve never seen it. Not really.” He looked at Lake. “What about you?”

  “Ax looks all badass, but he’s really a big sweetheart inside. He’s certainly saved my butt a few times.”

  Curious, I leaned forward. “When?”

  Lake scrutinized me a moment before answering, as though he was measuring me up. I must have passed. “He tends bar where I work. A club called The Yellow Banana.”

  “A gay club?” I asked. I’d always wanted to go to one before the day my life changed.

  “Yeah. I wait tables and pole dance there.” Lake waited a beat as though he thought I might have a negative reaction to that. When I only looked at him with more eager curiosity, he unbent a little and continued. “One time I didn’t have a place to stay. My friends were out of town and, well, I just didn’t have anywhere to go. One of the managers was trying to get me to stay at his place, but I could tell where he wanted that to lead, so I was trying to get out of it by making up a cousin who could put me up. Ax helped me out by taking me to the clubhouse.”

  “Which was the start of ‘Laze,’” Morgan joked, and when Lake looked at him funny, he said, “You know, Lake plus Blaze? Laze?”

  “I ship it,” I said, laughing.

  “Thank God someone knows what I’m talking about.” Morgan leaned back into the cushions and sipped his water.

  “I know what you’re talking about; I just think it’s stupid,” Lake said, and Morgan kicked out at him. Lake easily avoided the blow.

  Duke sat next to me, his muzzle on my knee. The other dogs were out in the kennel for the time being because I knew they would bark and pee everywhere in excitement at having company.

  “I agree that Ax might look big and bad, but he has a heart of gold,” Morgan said. “He was so nice to me when I had to stay at the clubhouse after my brother died.”

  I looked down at my hands, unable to stop the images of CJ crowding into my mind. I took several deep breaths and counted in my head, willing down the threatening panic.

  When I finally looked up, Morgan and Lake were watching me, and Morgan looked upset.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I think I reminded you of stuff you’d rather not think about.”

  “It’s okay. It happens a lot. Dana says the more I think and talk about it, the better, but it’s hard. I guess we have something in common, Morgan. Both our brothers died.” I snorted. “God, this must be the crappiest get together you guys have ever been to.”

  Lake huffed. “That would be assuming I go to a lot. I don’t exactly have a ton of friends.”

  “Why not?” I asked.

  Lake smiled wryly. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not Mr. Personality.”

  I really hadn’t, but I didn’t pay attention to much except trying to keep myself calm when people were around.

  “I don’t have many friends, either,” Morgan said. “I lived in Europe for years while I went to dance school. My parents were killed in a car accident while I was there, and my brother died right before I came back here. I felt so alone. The Hedonists really helped me.”

  “And now you’re Meke,” Lake said.

  “Or Zorgan,” I said with a laugh, then sobered.

  “My family was murdered.” I hadn’t intended to drop that bomb. I never willingly spoke about that night. Morgan choked on his drink, and Lake’s mouth dropped open, but I had to admit it felt good to let it out so bluntly, like releasing a poison that had been trapped inside me for years.

  “I’m so sorry,” Morgan said, wiping his mouth with a napkin. “I knew something had happened but not what. How awful.”

  Realizing I’d begun wringing my hands, I slid them under my thighs. “I just wanted you to know I know what it’s like to feel alone.”

  “I might as well have zero family,” Lake confided, putting down his drink and pulling a pillow onto his lap. “There’s my mother, but she chose to side with the man who molested me, so we’re done.”

  This time it was my mouth that dropped open. I couldn’t imagine my mother ever turning her back on me. My heart ached at the thought of how wonderful she’d been, but at least I had my memories. Lake had to live with the knowledge that, although alive, his mother had rejected him.

  “Wow, that’s…really shitty.”

  “You can say that again.”

  The doorbell rang, and I jumped.

  Morgan looked out the window. “Pizza guy. Want me to get it?”

  I wanted to let him, but I was the host, and I was determined to be as normal as I could. Shaking my head, I got up and grabbed the money I’d set out. When I opened the door, I automatically took a step back.

  The guy was big.

  Suddenly, I felt Morgan and Lake behind me. Lake took the money from my fingers, and before I knew it, the door was closed, the man gone, and the smell of pizza filled the air.

  Morgan bustled into the kitchen and came back with plates and napkins, and the terror I’d felt a moment before dissipated.

  As we ate, we made small talk.

  Besides being a ballet dancer, Morgan told me he’d taken over the family business.

  “I didn’t know what I was doing and still don’t to a degree, but I didn’t want to let it go,” Morgan said. “I’d had people running the company since my father’s death, but when I got here, I realized I couldn’t trust all of them. It’s a large corporation, and I’m still learning, but I now have honest people to help me.”

  “That’s pretty amazing,” I said.

  “Not really,” Morgan replied modestly. “A good friend of the family has helped me a lot, and Zeke’s helped too. He keeps me from falling apart at the seams. My first love is dancing, but it took up too much of my time, leaving me with nothing for myself, Zeke, or my company. So these days I’m teaching dance instead of performing.”

  “You seem so pulled together,” I said admiringly.

  “Believe me when I tell you I’m not. I’m just doing the best I can, and allowing myself to ask for help makes things so much easier on me. I have the Hedonists and all the friends who’ve become a part of their circle. That includes you, Caleb. If you need any help at all, we’re here for you.”

  Lake nodded agreement.

  Overcome, I looked down at my plate.

  “I didn’t want to accept help from anyone either,” Lake said, reading my thoughts. “I used to work several jobs and was still practically starving. Blaze just kind of insinuated himself in my life and wouldn’t give up on me.”

  “Blaze seems like a really nice guy,” I said. Lake’s eyes warmed. He was obviously very much in love with the club leader.

  “He is.”

  “Blaze was my brother’s best friend,” Morgan said. “He welcomed me with open arms when I didn’t have anyone except Nikki and Harvey—my best friend and my lawyer.” He looked like he just remembered something. “What happened to the girl who used to work here with you?”

  “Dee-Dee and her folks moved to North Carolina. I still talk to her sometimes, but we don’t have much in common anymore. Her family took me in after…it happened.”

  “Do you want to go to college?” Lake asked.

  I shook my head. “Not right now. I don’t think I could handle it, to be honest. Too much pressure and too many people.”

  Lake looked like he thought he should have realized, but I was honestly happy he’d forgotten my troubles and was treating me like a normal person.

  “So, are you interested in Axel?” Morgan asked, bringing us back to the original conversation.

  I felt m
yself blushing. “I like him. A lot. But I have so many issues.”

  “Axel wouldn’t care about that,” Lake said around a bite of pizza.

  I chuckled humorlessly. “I don’t know. I can’t imagine going on a date or anything the way I am right now.”

  “But you’re working on it, and Axel can wait,” Morgan said.

  “Do you like Dana?” Lake asked. “She’s really helped me with my issues with my mother and uncle.”

  “Yeah. She presses me to talk a lot, but I’ll admit it’s helped.” I shook my head, picking a pepperoni off my slice of pizza and nibbling on it. “I just hate talking about that night. It’s so painful. I dread my appointments.” I petted Duke. “This guy has helped a lot, haven’t you, boy?”

  Duke licked my face, and I wrinkled my nose. Loosening another piece of pepperoni from my pizza slice, I fed it to him before telling him to go get on his bed.

  “Axel and I had a picnic recently,” I told my guests.

  “Really?” Morgan asked.

  “Yeah. At the lake.”

  “How’d it go?”

  “It was nice. But ever since I walked in on Axel and Dante fighting a few days ago, he hasn’t come around. Not even to dinner Sunday.”

  Morgan and Lake exchanged looks. “Axel and Dante fought?”

  I nodded. “Something about me. At least, I think it was. Dante said Axel raised his voice at Isaac, and I just got the feeling it had something to do with me.” I shrugged, suddenly miserable.

  “The guys get into it sometimes,” Lake said. “Believe me. I’ve seen it happen more than once at the clubhouse. All that testosterone, you know? Next time they see one another, they’ll be fine.”

  “I want to talk to Axel, but I’m afraid,” I said.

  “Why don’t you? I’ll give you his number.” Lake reached for my cell phone.