The Monster Hunters

by Larry Correia

  “Make a note, it was a good thing she didn’t just keep using her gun. Firearms will stop a wight eventually, but eventually is the key word. See, the longer an undead like the wight exists, the stronger it becomes. New ones are pretty easy to kill, but this particular son of a bitch dated back to the Civil War. They can take forever to quit, so you work in teams, hold them off you while you pour fire into them. The rest of the team heard the commotion on the radio, and they were coming fast, but not fast enough.

  “So anyways, Julie gets out and uses the spear to hold it back. Every time it moved, she would stick it. You can see in the slide that it has a catch past the blade to keep creatures from slipping down the shaft to get you. She kept sticking it and basically played keep away. It couldn’t reach her as long as she kept stabbing it, but there was no way that spear was going to put it down. The guy that took the picture was no help. He was just some bozo bystander. Great shot though. Finally the feeling returned to my limbs enough to flop out of the Suburban and I lit him up.”

  “Lit him up?” somebody else asked.

  “Flamethrower. Don’t fight high-level undead without one. Once its flesh was on fire it was only a matter of time before it ran out of steam. Julie pinned it to a mausoleum door and held it there until it quit kicking. Took forever. Mean sons o’ bitches.”

  “How old was she?” Holly asked.

  Harbinger thought about it for a moment.

  “She had just turned eighteen.”

  “Damn.”

  “It runs in the family.” He returned to the lesson.

  Sawing off a human head is harder than it looks. The body tends to flop around every time you hit it, and it makes a really nasty mess. Once goo gets on the handle of your knife, it gets even worse, and the next thing you know, your blade is glancing off of bones that you didn’t even know were there. I grunted as I strained the blade against the rubbery flesh.

  “Damn it, Pitt, don’t saw. This ain’t gardening. It’s killing. Chop it!” Sam shouted at me. Sam always shouted.

  Responding to the order, I raised the heavy knife over my head and brought it down with as much force as possible, this time chopping completely through the tissue and breaking the vertebrae. The cadaver’s head rolled off the table and landed on the floor with a damp thud.

  “Much better!” the instructor bellowed. “See that, class? Don’t screw around with them. There are some things that don’t quit until you take their heads off. If you have got to do it, do it quick. Solid whack like you’re chopping wood. Don’t pussyfoot around. And remember the fresh ones squirt more!”

  Our class of remaining Newbies was slowly shaping up into a coherent team of Hunters. Currently we were standing in a small refrigerated room near the hangar, known as the Body Shack. MHI had saved the most disgusting lessons for the last of us. I’m sure that staking and beheading corpses was practical training, but I believed that the main reason we did this was to weed out the trainees who couldn’t handle the sheer nastiness of lopping off a human head.

  It probably would have been more efficient to do the horrific stuff first, as it really took out anyone with a weak stomach. According to Milo the reason we saved it for this late in the training was that it was hard to get a good supply of medical school leftover bodies. By saving this part until most of the trainees had washed out he had to scrounge up fewer corpses. Milo was a pretty efficient guy.

  “Next team. Newcastle and Mead,” Sam said to Holly and Chuck, the next people in line, as Milo used a hose to spray down the floor. Several of the other Newbies had lost their lunch on this exercise. Mingled fluids coagulated around the central drain.

  Placing the gore-splattered knife on the table, I stumbled away to wash my hands. They were shaking badly and I felt a strong urge to vomit. Trip was already at the sink scrubbing furiously.

  “Dude, that sucked,” he hissed.

  “Next time I stake, you chop,” I replied.

  “Hey, you called heads. Not my fault.”

  “At least it wasn’t the Gut Crawl.”

  He frowned at me. “Come on, man, I’m already trying not to barf as it is, don’t bring that up.”

  The Gut Crawl had consisted of a single Newbie wiggling through a long section of pipe filled with cow entrails. Between the dark, the smell, the heat of the pipe and the horrible squishiness of it all, it was probably the worst experience of my life, up to and including actually dying. Supposedly it had been a test of our ability to deal with disturbing surroundings and still keep our wits. Personally I thought it was Harbinger torturing us. Two of our class had quit rather than do it, and when I had been stuck halfway down that dark pipe, covered in slime and feces and intestines, I had envied them. One other trainee had made it halfway down the pipe, only to suffer a panic attack and lock up. All three of them had been given fat severance checks and sent home.

  There were only a dozen of us left. Judging by the standards of our instructors, it was no surprise that MHI was currently short-handed. Harbinger had been very up-front about it though. He was a firm believer that the harder we sweated in practice, the less we would bleed when it was for real.

  Holly finished her staking and came over to wash up. She seemed unperturbed by the minor fact that she had just used a hammer to drive a sharpened wooden shaft through what had once been a real live person’s rib cage. I had been surprised by our former stripper. Nothing ever seemed to faze her, and she attacked every job with a vengeance. We still had not learned her story, but it was obvious that she well and truly hated the other team, and she was looking forward to exacting some payback. If that required crawling through guts, or chopping off limbs, no problem.

  “That wasn’t so bad. Chuck got stuck with the head. Poor guy, he brought it on himself though,” she said, flashing us with a wicked grin.

  “How?” asked Trip, still washing his hands. I had news for him, no amount of water was going to make us feel clean after what we had just done.

  “He always goes rock. Never paper or scissors. Dumb ass.” She examined the old blood staining her nails. “By the way, I overheard Dorcas talking to Milo. Harbinger’s pretty happy with how we’re doing. We’re going to get the whole weekend off.”

  “Awesome,” I exclaimed. We had been training hard for a solid month. I’d be more than ready for a break this weekend. With the prospect of an actual couple of days off, I suddenly didn’t mind so much being covered in gore. “It’ll be good to get out of here.”

  “No kidding,” she replied, then turned toward Trip who was adding more soap and giving it another try. “Dude, Trip, you need to hurry up, the rest of us need a turn too.”

  “Ugh, you have no idea what kind of bacteria is in something like this,” he said. “You’ve got to do a good job sanitizing.”

  “Weren’t you a science teacher?” Holly asked.

  “Chemistry, and I subbed band, and I was the assistant football coach. It was a small school.” Being his roommate, I knew his story well. Having to cave in some students’ heads once they had joined the ranks of the undead really tended to mess up a teaching career.

  “I figured with all of the frog dissecting you wouldn’t be so damn squeamish. Hey, you have some blood or snot or something in your dreads.” As he reached up in disgust, Holly cut in front of him to wash her hands. “Sucker.”

  With a thwacking noise and a flourish Chuck took his cadaver’s head off, and Sam bellowed at us the fact that we did not do too bad for a bunch of derelicts, thus ending another day of training.

  My breath came in ragged gasps. I had long since passed the point where I could control it. The muscles in my legs were on fire, especially where Huffman’s talons had pierced me, and my feet and knees ached with each footfall. Blinking away the sweat in my eyes, I pushed on, trying to once again find that point of oblivion where the pain didn’t matter. I hate running. All big men hate running. Sure, I could sprint, but you don’t see very many three-hundred-pound marathoners for good reason. Only crazy people
run for fun.

  The last mile of forest trail was the worst. It had the steepest hills and the most rutted path of the whole trek. But I took comfort as I made my way up the red dirt road, as we were almost done for the day. It had started just after dawn, with hours of physical training, tactics, armed and unarmed combat practice, monster class, and now the sun was down and we were limping in from a six-mile run from hell. Finally the trees thinned, and I even managed to smile as we passed the kudzu-covered chain link fence to enter the compound. Most of the Newbies had already arrived and were crashing out on the available benches or stretching on the grass. The good runners like Trip, Lee, and Mead looked almost relaxed and refreshed from the little jaunt. Trip’s good natured thumbs-up made me want to beat him to death.

  “About time, Pitt,” Grant Jefferson shouted. He glanced at his stopwatch in disgust. “Pathetic. Just pathetic.” He had led the run and had made most of the rest of us look bad. Of course, some of us came out looking worse than others. One of the other Newbies stumbled off to the side to puke. Grant just smirked. “All right. We’re done for now. Stretch out tonight, because we’re doing this twice tomorrow.” Everyone groaned.

  I sat on one of the empty benches and put my head in my hands. I knew that I was supposed to walk around and gradually let my heart rate subside to avoid muscle soreness, but man, I just needed a break. I excelled at everything physical except for this. Gradually my panting turned to normal breathing, and my heart was no longer pounding away. The other Newbies began to wander off toward the barracks for some much-needed sleep. I stayed on the bench to enjoy the cool twilight.

  “Hi.” A lovely voice spoke from behind me. “Mind if I have a seat?” It was Julie.

  “No. Yes. I mean, of course,” I stammered, sliding over so she could fit. She dropped down next to me with a smile. She was wearing shorts and looked like she had been working out. I tried not to stare at her well-muscled legs. I was suddenly very self-conscious about my sweat-soaked T-shirt. I bet I stunk.

  “So how’s everything going?” she asked.

  “Fine, I’m doing okay. Except for that.” I jerked my thumb toward the cross-country track. “That sucks.”

  She laughed, hopefully with me, and not at me. “I know it. I hate it too. Not all of us are like Grant.” She pointed across the field. A lone figure stood a hundred yards away, throwing punches at invisible foes under the lights of the obstacle course.

  Grant Jefferson had stuck around after the Newbies had left. He had stripped off his shirt and was practicing what appeared to be some extremely difficult martial exercises. I hated to admit it, but the man was a near-perfect physical specimen. If monster hunting didn’t work out for him, I was sure he could get a gig as an underwear model.

  “So . . . how long have you guys been dating?” I asked, trying not to sound jealous. I don’t know if I succeeded.

  “A couple months,” she answered as she looked at me suspiciously. “Why?”

  “Oh . . . I don’t know. He just seems a little . . .”

  “Arrogant?”

  I paused, not quite sure how to answer that. “Uh, yeah, I guess. He just doesn’t strike me as your type is all.”

  “And you know my type how?” she asked, studying me carefully. I swallowed, wanting to shout “Me.” Thankfully she continued before I had to answer. “Yes, I know Grant comes off a little arrogant, but he really is a great guy. He’s smart and ambitious. He was in Harvard Law School when we recruited him.”

  Figures, I thought to myself. “The CPA exam is way harder than passing the Bar,” I muttered.

  “What?”

  “Uh . . . nothing.”

  “We hit it off when he arrived here. Grant’s traveled the world. He’s sophisticated, cultured, educated. He’s done a lot of really interesting things. So he’s kind of . . . confident. That comes off as cocky sometimes.”

  Comes off as an ass. I bit my tongue. I knew the truth. I bet he drowned sacks of puppies for fun. In the distance Grant had dropped down and started doing pushups.

  “Well, good for you guys . . . I’ve got to get some sleep.” I stood up to leave.

  “Goodnight, Owen.”

  “Yeah, ’night, Julie.” I wandered off. It figured that I had finally met the perfect woman, only to find out she wasn’t interested in me. I kicked over the garbage can outside the barracks. Screw it. I was tired.

  “What’re you doing?” Trip asked me as he entered our tiny barracks room. The windows were open and loud insects chirped and whistled in the darkness outside.

  “I don’t know,” I answered honestly. I was sitting on my bunk, suitcase open on the floor in front of me. My right hand ached from the impact it had taken an hour earlier. “Thinking about packing, I guess.”

  “You didn’t strike me as a quitter,” he said simply. “That was an accident with Green. You didn’t mean to hurt him. Milo says he’ll be out of the hospital in a week. It’s just his collar bone and a concussion.”

  “I only hit him once.”

  We had been practicing going hands-on. Never a good choice against a monster, but a necessary skill to have nonetheless. They had paired me up with Green, a muscle-bound former narc. It had gotten kind of competitive.

  “Stuff happens,” Trip shrugged. “Don’t be a baby about it.”

  “Sam said I wasn’t being aggressive enough.”

  “He probably shouldn’t have said that to somebody who beat up a werewolf.” Trip sat on his bed. “When Green wakes up, he’ll be cool. It was an accident.”

  I shook my head. “No. It wasn’t. I got angry. I didn’t hold back. Look, man, this is why I should probably go. When I get mad, when I lose control, people get hurt.”

  “You make it sound like you’re the Hulk,” he laughed. “You’re training to be a Monster Hunter. We’re supposed to hurt things. Come on, dude, what’s the deal?”

  Trip had become a good friend over the last few weeks of training, and I could tell that he did honestly want to help. I stared down at the open suitcase. “You know I used to fight for money, right?” I continued, not looking up. “A few years ago, I had a big one. My last one. Lots of cash on the table. The other guy was supposed to be a real badass. Supposedly he had killed a couple of people in prison. There were no rules, and it wasn’t supposed to stop until one of us couldn’t fight anymore. Last man standing got paid.”

  “Why would you do that?” he asked, sincerely perplexed. Trip was a good man, and the idea of inflicting violence on another human being for no good reason was truly foreign to him.

  I sighed. “You’ve got to understand. My whole life, my father tried to prepare me for something. All he did was push. He had some sort of fucked-up vision of the future, and he wanted me to be ready for it. I guess I just needed to prove that I was as tough as he thought I was.”

  “So what happened?”

  “The other fighter really was a bad dude. Meanest I had ever dealt with. I couldn’t take him. He just wouldn’t quit. Then, something happened . . . Something snapped, broke loose. No pain, just focus. Like when Huffman tried to eat me. Next thing I knew, I had blood up to my armpits and I was kneeling on this guy while I hit him until my knuckles broke.”

  Trip looked shocked. “You killed him?”

  “Almost, and I would have, but the promoters pulled me off. They managed to stitch his skull back together, but he lost an eye, and I’ve heard he’s still all messed up. . . . I would’ve killed him. And right then, I wanted to kill him, and for what? How stupid is that?”

  “Pretty stupid.”

  We sat in silence for a while, Trip not really knowing what to say. I knew from our talks that he was a devoutly religious man and was probably trying to think of how to politely tell me that I was surely going to hell. Finally I spoke. “You know why I became an accountant?”

  “Pays better than teaching.”

  “I picked the most straight-laced, stereotypically boring thing that I could think of. My entire life I’d been taug
ht to be a killer, but after that night, I just wanted to get as far away from it as I could.”

  “But you still carried a gun every day?”

  “I didn’t go looking for trouble, didn’t mean I wasn’t ready for trouble to look for me,” I answered.

  “Beats hitting zombies with a pickax . . .” he muttered.

  “And now here I am. In this place, where all the things I’ve spent the last few years trying to distance myself from are not only encouraged, they’re mandatory. And it seems like I might actually be pretty good at this. But I’m worried . . .”

  “That you’ll hurt somebody who don’t need hurting?”

  “Yeah, something like that.” I clenched my scarred-up fists. My hand throbbed from where I had slugged Green. It had only been a brief instant, a flash of anger, but that was all it took.

  Trip thought about it for a few long seconds, absently chewing on his lower lip, then stood. “The way I see it, we’re here to do good. I don’t know about you, but I came here to stop monsters from hurting folks. The Lord’s given you a gift, a weird one, but still a gift, and the fact that you’re worried about misusing it means that you’re not a bad guy. So put that suitcase away, man up, and let’s get to class before Harbinger realizes we’re late. He kind of scares me.” He thumped me on the shoulder, and walked out the door.

  I waited a moment, listening to the angry buzz of the insects crashing against the window screen. Then I pushed the suitcase back under my bunk and went back to work.

  I thought I understood discomfort and heat. I had lived in Texas for a few years, and I had grown up in the San Joaquin Valley of California. One was miserably hot and windy, and other was muggy from all of the open-air irrigation. But summer in the Heart of Dixie was a whole new type of evil. So hot that you couldn’t think, and so wet you could almost drink the air. Summer had come to Alabama.

  So of course this was the day when we were issued our body armor. It was heavy, and though well designed to be comfortable and breathable, during summers in Alabama a pair of shorts and a tank top were considered warm clothing. I was sweating profusely, not that that said much, considering that men of my bulk usually started sweating at room temperature, but this was particularly bad. Thankfully the armor came equipped with a CamelBak water bladder and drinking tube. As their ad so eloquently stated: Hydrate or Die.