One Look

by Harlow James

  I’m channeling my inner mother as I threaten my younger brother, who’s now more like a son to me than my sibling. Becoming Conner’s legal guardian after Gramps died was never a question, but my sanity has definitely been brought into question over the past few years.

  Raising a teenager isn’t for the faint of heart, especially a young boy whose only parent was lost at such a pivotal age. At first, Conner wasn’t too bad, channeling his grief appropriately. I tried very hard to encourage him that we had to stick together, be a team since it was just the two of us now. We would sit down and talk about our grief, and I’d hold him at night while we both cried.

  That lasted until he hit thirteen, and then the teenage attitude and rebellion kicked in. Conner quit baseball, saying it was ‘stupid and took too much time.’ Deep down, I think it just wounded him to play without Gramps there to cheer him on. We haven’t even been back to a Rays game since he passed either, creating a huge shift in the focus on baseball in our lives.

  I know that watching baseball became difficult for Conner, but it was also tough for me. After ending things with Jake, I couldn’t bring myself to sit in those seats again and look at him out on the field, reminiscing of the instance when we locked eyes that fateful day and how he dug his way into my heart and never truly left. Even though Jake ended up being traded to another team just weeks after we split, so I know that going to the games would have been easier on my heart, I knew it was too painful for Conner, though, so we stayed away. I do miss it though. Baseball has always been such a critical part of our lives.

  Breaking up with Jake was one of the cruelest decisions I’ve ever made in my life. I revisit that choice now and realize that we probably could have worked things out, that I really wanted to be with him, but was ultimately overwhelmed with the changes happening in my life and the media attention surrounding our loss. He would have been there to carry some of the weight of my new responsibilities and help me grieve, but the only thing I saw at the time was what I could control, and that was distancing myself from anything that provided more stress.

  After the funeral pictures were published, Conner and I imprisoned ourselves in the house for weeks, waiting for the next big story to break so the attention was no longer on us. Speculation that Jake and I weren’t together anymore grew as he was seen out in public without me and looking more surly than normal. When the announcement of his trade became public knowledge, the shift focused on his career, but people were still curious about what became of us. He sternly told the press that we weren’t together anymore and then asked them to leave me alone and respect my privacy. I don’t think I ever loved him more than in that moment, when he stood up for me and granted me the one thing I think I was ultimately searching for at the time… relief from all the pressure I put on myself.

  His trade to Seattle came as a shock to everyone, me included. Given he was a rookie and was performing well, his trade shocked the league, the OC Rays claiming a monetary reason for the trade. However, it also helped me convince myself why breaking up with him was the right decision at the time because he would have been forced to leave anyway. The distance would have been a challenge, and I know I would have missed him. Hell, I still do.

  I shake my thoughts of Jake away, the same ones the run through my mind constantly each morning, noon, and night, and focus back on my little brother, who needs my attention now more than ever.

  “Maybe you should consider playing baseball again?” I offer, trying to give Conner something to reignite the passionate boy he used to be, and also an outlet for his anger. The season at the high school is about to start at the end of February, and tryouts are in a few weeks.

  “I can’t, Dani,” he says, observing the crowd of students out his window as we pull into the parking lot of his school.

  “Yes, you can, Conner. You were so talented and I know, deep down, you miss it. I know I miss watching you play. And I think Gramps would want you to keep playing. Just think about it, okay? It might give you something to look forward to again.”

  “Whatever,” he mumbles before exiting the car and slamming the door shut in my face.

  “Ugh!” I cry out, resting my head on the headrest of my seat, frustrated more than I ever have been in my life.

  A car horn interrupts my moment of aggravation, reminding me that I need to move my car before some helicopter mom has a tantrum in her SUV.

  “I’m going!” I shout, even though she can’t hear me, and then pull onto the road and cruise to the gym, making it to work just in time.

  World Fitness is still my home-away-from-home. After Gramps died, the idea of looking for another job seemed like too daunting of a task. Truthfully, I always enjoyed working there anyway, and with a salary increase and promotion to head of marketing and public relations, it made sense to stay put.

  “Good morning,” Tina greets me as I’m walking to my office.

  “Yeah, sure,” I reply sarcastically, rolling my eyes for good measure.

  “Conner giving you trouble again?”

  “I bet you I could light his bed on fire, and that kid would still sleep through it!” I huff as I set my purse on my desk and turn my computer on.

  “I’ll consider myself lucky then. Alexa is the most organized and OCD person I’ve ever met. The world would end if my daughter was ever late for school,” Tina replies, describing her own teenage daughter to a tee.

  “You have no idea how lucky you are.”

  “Well, I hope it gets better. How old is he now?”

  “He’ll be fifteen next month. From what I’ve heard, this year tends to be the worst.”

  “Yeah, I went rounds with my son when he was that age. Just stay consistent and don’t let him slack off. He will thank you for it later.”

  I let out a long sigh, brushing my hair behind my shoulders. “I’m trying. I think if he was playing baseball again, it would help keep him out of trouble. I’m not a fan of the kids he’s hanging out with these days, and he’s falling behind in his classes. He never wants to wake up and has to argue with me about everything. I just don’t know what else to do…”

  “You lay down the law, girl! You take away any and everything you can until he gets the message. Or make a compromise with him that gives you both what you want.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks,” I smile politely, even though on the inside I’m screaming.

  “Okay, well I’ll let you get to work. We need that fitness challenge promoted and ready to go by the end of the week.”

  I nod. “I’m on it.”

  I take my seat at my desk and get to work, preparing and organizing everything for the six-week challenge we’re offering to new members at a discounted price. It’s a competition to see who can lose the most weight, inches, and body fat percentage in six weeks. We’ve seen huge membership success from the challenges, and immense improvement in personal growth in each individual that participates. I’ve been handling the promotion for the event, and I have to say, it’s one of my best events I’ve organized to date.

  I’m so engrossed in my job, clicking away on my computer screen, granting me the distraction from the turmoil going on at home, that I’m startled when there’s a knock on my door and I look up from my desk.

  “Hey,” Tina greets me again, taking a seat in the chair across from me, letting out a long breath. Her reappearance is odd considering she was just in my office a few hours ago, but now she seems much more intense than before.

  “Why do I get the feeling you’re about to drop a bomb on me?” I ask, taking in her face laced with concern and her hands are fidgeting in her lap, visible through the glass top of my desk.

  “Well, I am, but in a good way. I know you had a shitty morning, so I didn’t want to drop this on you then, but… I, uh… I kind of have a job opportunity for you.”

  I narrow my eyes at her, confused from her words.

  “Um, I have a job. I like my job here.” Then panic sets in and I lean forward in my chair. “Oh God
, please don’t fire me, Tina! I can’t lose this job!” I’m on the verge of tears when she holds up her hand to cut me off.

  “Let me finish. I know you like your job and we love having you. You’re good at what you do, Dani. But I feel like your talent is being wasted here…”

  “What are you saying?” My heart is beating frantically, afraid that yet another life change is about to hit me like a meteor.

  She sighs. “I have a cousin who works for the OC Rays, and they are looking for someone to take over their public relations and marketing for the team, even extending the job description into event planning.”

  Just at the mention of the Rays, my heart hammers in my chest and I feel my breakfast come up in my throat. Baseball, Gramps, Jake… things I’ve been avoiding for different reasons quickly crawl out from that hole I dug and buried them in almost three years ago.

  “I know you haven’t been to a game in a long time, and that whole thing with Jake was a mess, but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, Dani. I mean, I’d hate to see you go from here, but I think you would kick yourself if you didn’t jump on this.”

  I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding while I absorb her words. Working for a sports team was always my goal. I just never thought in a million years that I would get that opportunity now, AND with the Rays. It’s almost too perfect.

  But then Jake appears in my mind, dressed in his OC Rays uniform even though I know he’s not on the team anymore. Would it be weird seeing his former teammates when they know we dated? I’m sure he’s moved on and I don’t even know if most of the same guys are still on the team. I haven’t followed baseball much since Gramps died, which I know would make him roll around in his grave.

  “Dani, you haven’t said two words since I mentioned this. Are you okay in there?” She waves her hand in front of my face, pulling me out of my internal war.

  “Uh, yeah. I’m here. When do they need someone?”

  “Well, don’t get mad, okay? But my cousin is actually in my office and I told him I was coming to get you so he can meet you right now.”

  “WHAT? Jesus Christ, Tina…. Seriously?” I look around the room, searching for something, but what it is, I don’t even know. “I think I’m going to pass out!”

  Tina laughs at me, and I swear, if she wasn’t my friend and my boss, I would punch her right now.

  “Just breathe. It’s going to be fine. My cousin is super laid back, but I’ve talked you up to him before, so he really wants to meet you. What do you say?”

  My mind is racing, but it takes me all of thirty seconds to realize that this is one of those moments in life that I have to just jump on. I don’t want to live with regret and wonder what if?

  Trust your path.

  I hear Gramps and my dad’s words echo in my head, and I take it as a sign as I reach up and clutch my necklace.

  I swallow hard, all of a sudden very aware of my tongue. “Okay, I’ll do it. I just need to pee first, or I might pee my pants.”

  Tina chuckles. “Okay, I’ll tell him you’ll be in my office in five minutes. I’m sorry to spring this on you, Dani. But I really think this could be good for you.” She smiles at me and then makes her way out of my office, leaving me to compose myself before I jump headfirst into a potentially life-altering meeting.

  Chapter 33

  Jake

  Three Days Later

  “Are you happy to be going back?”

  I’m holding my phone between my shoulder and ear as I hand my boarding pass to the flight attendant at the gate, waiting to board my plane back to California.

  “You have no idea. Don’t get me wrong, Seattle has been good to me. I’ve met some great guys, had two and a half stellar seasons under their coach and working with that team, but California has always been home, and the Rays gave me my first break. I’m happy to be returning as a stronger player now.”

  When I got the call last week, I thought my agent was joking with me. He told me the Rays wanted me back and were willing to offer me more money and a no-trade clause in my contract this time. I won’t lie and say I didn’t hold a grudge when they traded me in the first place, but after a while I realized that that’s how things work in the sport sometimes. Budgets, contracts, deals that happen behind the scenes--- they all affect the lives of the players in more ways than one, and I just happened to the rookie on the receiving end of one of those decisions.

  “They are lucky to have you back, and I’m happy that you’ll be closer to home this time,” my mom sings in the phone, even though Irvine is still a long way from Chico. I guess it is still closer than Seattle.

  “I already called Rocky and he’s pumped. He’s not sure how many more seasons he’ll have since his contract in done in two years, so he’s happy he’ll get to play with me again.”

  Man, I miss that guy. Besides the few times we got to play against each other, we haven’t seen much of one another, even in the offseason. Just this past year, he started dating Lochlin, Dani’s best friend, which has occupied most of his free time. I don’t know all the details about how that came to be, but I know he’s happier than a pig in mud, which makes me happy for him. The hopeless romantic found his forever girl.

  Just thinking about Rocky and Lochlin makes Dani pop in my head again, even though it really doesn’t take much for that to happen.

  As I amble onto the plane and find my seat, shifting my large body around the tight cabin, I end the conversation with my mom to prepare for take-off.

  “Well, I’m on the plane now, Mom. I’ll call you when I land and you guys will have to come down before the season starts so we can spend some time together. Or maybe I can come home once. Spring training starts next week.”

  “Ok, Jake. We’ll figure it out. I love you, son. Be safe.”

  “Love you too, Mom,” I reply before hanging up and looking at the older woman sitting next to me.

  “I’m twenty-eight and Mom still worries,” I shrug with a wink as she smiles up at me and laughs.

  “It never ends, honey. She’ll worry about you ‘til the day she dies.”

  I nod at her in agreement, then settle into my seat. Flying is not my favorite thing in the world, mostly because I hate not being able to move for hours at a time. At six-foot-two, it’s hard to get comfortable in a confined space.

  While mindlessly staring out the window, floating above the clouds, my thoughts shift back to everything I get to return to when I arrive back in Irvine.

  I kept my condo when I got traded and rented it to another player. I had just signed the mortgage and didn’t want to get rid of it, since I really liked the place and hoped one day to return or sell it and make a profit, so renting it out made sense. Unfortunately for him, that player got traded this year too, but it worked out well for me upon my surprising return. My truck is still there, too, since I didn’t really need one in Seattle.

  I’m elated to be returning to sunshine and beaches, palm trees and actual seasons, as opposed to the gloomy weather of Seattle that stays year-round. The humidity alone is brutal too.

  Yet deep down, I know there is one thing I’m curious about returning to more than anything else, something I won’t let myself voice out loud because after my heart was ripped from my chest and pulverized in a blender, I vowed to myself I would move on. Unfortunately, my mind and my heart could never agree upon how to do that.

  The whole experience of leaving Irvine after everything that happened with Danielle was eye-opening to me. I was so angry and frustrated with her when she left me, especially since I knew we could have worked things out. But then when I got traded, I knew that the distance probably would have torn us apart anyway.

  It took me a long time to accept that things happened for a reason, and it took me even longer to understand why she made the decision to end things. I honestly felt like I could have fixed everything for her, but ultimately, her grief wasn’t mine to fix. Her life wasn’t mine to fix. She had to figure that out on her own, and m
aybe she just didn’t need my world to be involved in hers at the time.

  I fell in love with her for a reason, even though looking back I was so livid that I let her in and she hurt me. It took me a long time to move on, but no one ever compared to her. I never opened my heart up again like I did to her. There were several women who hung on my arm for charity events and casual dates or gave me that physical release when I just needed to lose myself in someone else, but nothing serious ever stuck. No one brightened up my life like she did.

  No one ever looked at me like she did either.

  There hasn’t been a day where I haven’t thought about her in some way. I respected her wishes for me to let her go, even though it killed me, even though I had every intention of fighting for her right before I found out about the trade.

  I took it as a sign though---trusted my path---as Danielle’s grandpa said to me that night of her birthday. After drinking heavily and carrying around resentment for months about the lack of control in my life, I finally realized that I could sulk and harbor anger about the direction my life took or I could accept the fact that sometimes things work out the way they are supposed to. Some people are a blessing in our lives, and some are a lesson. I truly believe that Danielle was a bit of both.

  And now that I’m returning to southern California, I can’t help but wonder if the path I’m on now is meant to lead me back to her somehow. I mean, I don’t even know if she’s still there. I don’t know if she’s single or involved with someone. But I have faith that life will point me in the right direction---to whether I need to fully move on with my life and let her go completely, or fight for her once more.

  After we land, I grab my bag from baggage claim and call an Uber to go straight to the stadium. I wanted to pop in and greet my coach, see my buddies, and soak up the turf on my own time before the stress of training begins.