Single Dad's Loss

by Destiny, Sam

  And I would.

  I tickled his sides, and he grabbed my index finger, pulling it into his mouth to nibble on. His fingers were small, and it was strange that he could wrap his whole hand around just one of my fingers.

  I was blown away by how little a person could be. He wasn’t the first infant I’d seen, but he seemed to be more breakable than all the others I’d ever met.

  “You’re tiny,” I whispered. Even I could hear the wonder in my voice. Still kicking his little legs, I swore Cory gave me his first real smile. And, damn, it was beautiful.

  Putting his diaper and clothes back on, I picked him up and pressed him against my chest, emotions overwhelming me.

  I didn’t know when I’d ever been so touched by something that it made me cry, but holding Cory, having him smile at me, made the tears roll down my cheeks.

  My heart was as full as it was empty, and it was a weird feeling. Part of me was numb, worried what would happen, while the other knew everything leading to this point had been inevitable.

  I’d been living in self-made reassurance that my life was good when it wasn’t, hadn’t been forever.

  Yes, when I was a teenager, Leah had been a blessing in disguise and had kept me out of prison with her mere presence, but who would’ve thought that she’d save me again without even being present?

  I hated to think that she had to die for me to realize I couldn’t go on the way I was, that I needed to make changes.

  I knew I couldn’t go on. Not like this. Not without her.

  Strapping Cory into his car seat, I placed his clothes into the trunk, then slipped behind the wheel. I glanced back at the house, smiling softly, then I drove off, knowing the way with my eyes closed.

  My hands shook when I parked in front of the house, Leah’s mother already standing on the porch. The drive had been rather short, less than fifteen minutes, yet long enough to make my nerves triple in intensity.

  “Hayden,” she greeted me, the venom of the last several days gone from her voice.

  “Hey.” I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry how everything went, ma’am. It’ll be better from now on. I promise. Are you prepared to have a baby in the house? It’s gonna be sleepless nights.” I played with the hem of my hoodie, my fingers itching to be busy.

  She smiled. “We are, I think. I mean, it’s been a while since we had a baby in the house, but… I’m pretty sure they still need the same things they needed back then.” Swallowing, she took a deep breath. “Son… I’m sorry about everything I said before. I don’t know why Leah put your name on…” She grimaced. “Actually, I do. You were the one guy she could always rely on, Hayden, so thank you. Thank you for being there for our daughter when no one else was.”

  I nodded, then turned away to get Cory out of the car. Surprisingly, he was babbling in his seat. I’d expected him to fall asleep in the car. I handed him to his grandmother just as Leah’s dad appeared.

  I’d called them up a few days ago, apologizing and telling them if they wanted, I’d bring their grandson by. I didn’t hold a grudge, and luckily, neither had the Wilsons. However, the possibility of us ever becoming a weird kind of patchwork family wasn’t there.

  “Anything you need me to carry?” Mr. Wilson asked, not bothering with a greeting. But I knew he was happy because his face lit up like a Christmas tree when he looked at Cory. I couldn’t believe how much bad blood there’d been between us over the last few weeks—and how easy it could’ve been had I just allowed them to be part of Cory’s life no matter what.

  Then again, grief was a weird thing, and none of us had been acting like ourselves lately.

  I was glad I didn’t have to step into the house, but when it was time to say goodbye, my hands trembled. “Hey, little man.” I took my son in my arms, cuddled him close and kissed his small head, my heart aching as his tiny hands grasped the material of my hoodie. “I love you. You know that, right? I know I didn’t always do everything right, but hey, you’ll be spoiled now. It’s what Nanas do, you know.”

  Leah’s mother, tears in her eyes, smiled. “It sure is.”

  I handed Cory back, not wanting to prolong it, surprised when she leaned in to kiss my cheek.

  “You take care, Hayden. We’ll see you soon.” She stepped back. I nodded, then walked back to my car.

  Of all the things I’d expected this morning, realizing how hard it was to say goodbye had not been among them.

  * * *

  KATIE

  My shift at the hospital was slow. We had days where practically the whole pregnant population wandered our halls, not giving us a chance to breathe, then we had days where we sat around, wondering if we could do our fifth check-up round.

  My cell rang in my pocket. Although I technically wasn’t supposed to have it on me, I’d needed to know I was reachable that day for some reason.

  Seeing Sarah’s name on the caller ID, I glanced around, not spotting anyone who would rat me out to the doctors if they caught me on the phone. Even so, I scrambled for one of the storage units, slipping inside.

  “What? I’m at work,” I whispered. She didn’t deserve me being a bitch, but that didn’t mean I could stop myself from being one.

  “Good morning to you, too. You know, I saw the strangest thing. Hayden dropped Cory at Leah’s parents’ house, then left without him. I even saw Leah’s mom kiss his cheek. What’s up with that? When did they make up?”

  I dropped back against the shelf behind me, my heart thudding in my chest until I expected it to break right through. “He did? Are you sure it was Hayden?”

  I knew the question was ridiculous, but I was confused.

  “Handsome, serious, tiny and adorable little boy? Definitely Hayden. I suspect you didn’t know anything about that?” Her voice had turned cautious.

  I took a deep breath. “No. I… He’s been weirdly attentive, and sweet, and… You know that feeling when a guy has a guilty conscience and is extra nice? Something like that.”

  Sarah gasped. “Oh, my god… You don’t honestly thing Hayden is cheating on you, do you? I cannot see that. I mean, even if he is, he’s grieving and—”

  I coughed in disbelief. “You’d make excuses for him if he were cheating? Once a cheat, always a cheat. I’d definitely walk away, but no. I think there’s something else going on. I—” A beep announced an incoming call and I groaned. “Hold on for a second, Sarah.” I pressed a button to answer the second call, this one from an unknown number. “Pearson.”

  “It’s Dale. Can you tell me why Hayden took off when his house is on the list to clean out this week? I cannot reach him and—”

  “I don’t know.” What was it with people thinking I had all the answers? I wasn’t his mother. Then Dale’s words hit me. “What do you mean ‘clean out’? Do you mean moving?”

  “No. Moving would be moving, but we have an order to get rid of everything that’s still in the house. But if you don’t know, and I can’t reach Hayden… Are you guys okay, Katie?”

  We were perfect, or at least that was what I thought. “I need to go. I have to talk to Hayden. We might meet at the house later, okay?”

  I was still working, would be for another few hours, but I couldn’t stay at the hospital when I didn’t know what was going on.

  “See you then, Katie.”

  I hung up, got back to Sarah, and told her I needed to go, hanging up without waiting for her to answer. For a few seconds, I stayed in the dark storage room, my mind racing a million miles an hour.

  We were happy. We had worked out the biggest troubles, and I got the feeling Hayden was slowly coming around concerning his grief. I didn’t expect it to vanish, but I’d hoped it would slowly grow less potent, less dominating.

  Maybe I’d been wrong.

  Pushing my cell back into my pocket, I stepped out, my heart heavy. If he’d waited for me to be out of the house before doing all this…

  “You look pale, Nurse Katie. Is everything okay?” Dan, one of the guys here for his pregnant
wife, appeared in front of me.

  I shrugged. “I don’t feel very well, to be honest. I…” I shook my head, giving him a small smile. “I think I should go home and cure whatever is inside me. I’m sure I’ll see you and Elise tomorrow.” I winked, knowing that although babies could basically come any second, Elise would most likely still be as round as she was now once I returned for my shift tomorrow.

  I found the head nurse, Donna. Her smile vanished the second she spotted me.

  “You don’t look well.”

  “I’m worried. Remember Hayden?”

  She nodded. “Handsome boy who has you all up in knots. I thought things were better?”

  I shrugged, not being able to help wondering what I’d missed. “Yes, but what if he can’t handle his grief? Seems he has someone scheduled to clean out his house today, and he gave his son to his grandparents. I didn’t know about any of that.”

  She arched a brow. “A grandchild deserves time with their grandparents, and there can be many reasons to clean out a house. Maybe he figures—”

  I didn’t let her finish. “I’d love to go check on him, just to ease my mind.”

  For a long moment, she watched me, then reached out to grasp my wrist, checking my pulse. “You know, I agree. You don’t look well. It might be one of those one-day stomach bugs. Why don’t you go home, rest, and have some ginger ale before you come back tomorrow?” she announced loudly. I closed my eyes in relief, although that feeling was short-lived.

  * * *

  Unlocking the door to Hayden’s home and walking in, I found it utterly silent. I’d tried calling him on the phone a few times, but he never answered. I should’ve expected it. After all, Dale had tried the same with an identical result.

  “Hay?” I called out, although I knew he wasn’t here. You could tell, feel it in the air when a house was deserted.

  Lifting my phone, I redialed his number, waiting for the call to go through. When it did, my heart sank.

  I heard faint ringing upstairs. My feet were like lead as I slowly walked up the stairs. The bedroom door wasn’t closed all the way, and the closer I got, the louder the ringing became.

  Sobs threatened to bubble from my throat. Thank you, brain, for always presenting me with the worst possible outcome instead of the best.

  I pushed the door open farther, my movements slow, not sure what I’d find inside—but the room was empty. I blew out a breath. When I walked around the bed, I found his phone on the floor. It had probably fallen from his pocket and he hadn’t noticed.

  I lifted it and unlocked the screen. I felt okay going through it, especially since I was worried. There was so many missed calls. Mostly Dale and Knox, but also me and Sarah. Seemed she, too, had begun to worry. But there was nothing to point to the fact that he wanted to kill himself.

  Sitting on the bed after a mere two minutes of snooping—I could never be one of those girlfriends—I wondered what to do next.

  Without his phone, there was no way to reach him, so all I had left was combing the town for him. Eden wasn’t that big, but big enough to ensure he wouldn’t be found easily if he didn’t want to be.

  “Grandparents.”

  I jumped up, knowing that was the best way to start. I couldn’t imagine he’d just drop off Cory without letting them know his plans, so maybe they knew where he went.

  The way there usually only took a few minutes, but since I was in a frenzy, worried what would happen if I couldn’t find Hayden in time, it seemed to last hours. I left the car running in their driveway and sprinted up to the door.

  Instead of ringing the bell, I decided to knock, figuring it was best if Cory was sleeping. It took a few minutes before Leah’s mother answered, her face aglow.

  I smiled softly, imagining how wonderful it must be for her to finally have her grandchild with her after all the stress that had been going on the last few weeks. “Hi. Is Hayden here?” I knew he wasn’t, but I had no idea how else to start the conversation.

  “Katie, right? His girlfriend?”

  Yeah, so I’d thought. “Yes, ma’am.”

  She smiled gently. “You do him a lot of good. He looks much better. No, he’s not here. He wanted to visit Leah’s grave, I think.”

  Holy hell, is he telling everyone he ever loved goodbye?

  “Thank you.” I started to turn away, but Leah’s mom grasped my arm.

  “You don’t look so well,” she commented. “Is everything okay?”

  I inhaled deeply. “I don’t know. When did he say he’d pick up Cory again?”

  She shrugged. “He said either he or you would pick him up at end of the week. Katie, what is going on?”

  I forced a smile. Until I knew what was going on, no one else needed to worry. “Nothing. I just want to talk to him and… I don’t know. I’ll see you at the end of the week,” I assured her. I needed that little boy in my life, even if…

  No, I couldn’t go there.

  “Okay. Tell Hayden hi again, okay?”

  I nodded and turned, deciding to walk to the graveyard. I was in a hurry, but I knew driving wouldn’t be a good idea. Besides, I could cut through the small gardens lining the houses.

  I turned the car off and took the keys out, hoping Leah’s parents wouldn’t mind my car being parked there a little longer, then I cut through the small path, spotting the graveyard on the hill.

  He wouldn’t kill himself there, I was certain of that, and when I came to the main gate, his truck was still parked there.

  Leah had been buried on the far end, underneath a line of pine trees. My heart jolted in my chest when I spotted Hayden kneeling in front of the grave, head bowed.

  His arm moved, as if collecting something off the grave. I paused, allowing myself to watch him for a few moments as relief, albeit fleeting, coursed through my veins.

  Damn, if I didn’t love him so much, I would go over and slap him. For now, I just wanted to kiss him and reassure myself he was still breathing.

  * * *

  HAYDEN

  I brushed some stray leaves from Leah’s grave, wishing she were here so I could tell her how much I missed her, how much I’d changed since Katie brought Cory to my door.

  I’d planned on coming here to talk to my best friend, but now that I was by her grave, I didn’t know where to start. In fact, I felt stupid for wanting to talk to her in the first place.

  A lot of people believed that the spirits of those we lost were constantly around us, but I wasn’t one of them. I’d hoped to find something here, to feel connected in some way, but the truth was, all I felt was lonely.

  “God, I wish you were here.”

  “I am.”

  The voice caused me to startle and jump up, ready to hide somewhere. I saw Katie standing a few feet away.

  “Way to freak a man out, Pearson.” I blew out a breath and smiled, then noticed how pale she was. “What’s wrong?”

  She came closer, her hands trembling. For a second, I wasn’t sure if she was going to slap me or kiss me. Thankfully, she opted for the latter, cupping my cheek before reaching up to press her lips against mine.

  There was anger in the kiss, fury in the way her second hand grasped my arm, but I took what she offered and drew her closer, making sure she realized I was glad she was here…even if it meant she’d ruined my plans.

  “Katie,” I whispered into her hair. Her silence unnerved me. “Did something happen? I don’t think I could deal with another heavy blow.”

  I felt her shake her head before she looked up at me. “Nothing happened…yet.”

  I cupped her face, looking into her beautiful eyes, and my heart sang. Whatever happened, it didn’t matter, as long as we were together. “What do you mean by that?”

  She stepped back, crossing her arms in front of her body. “I came because I…I cannot lose you, Hayden.”

  Startled, I stared at her, trying to comprehend her words. “Lose me?”

  “Suicide is not an option, no matter how much you hurt. Co
ry and I count on you, Hay. We need you.”

  I furrowed my brows. “Suicide? You think I’m here to kill myself?”

  Katie closed the distance between us again, pressing her palm against my chest. “No, I hoped it wouldn’t be here, but I also wouldn’t have known where to look for you. I’ve been so worried,” she whispered.

  I kissed her nose. “You could’ve called me and I—”

  She pulled my phone from her pocket. “I tried. And so did Sarah, Dale, and Knox. We were all worried. Sarah saw you handing Cory to Leah’s parents. I mean… A few days ago, they were going to file a lawsuit to make him theirs, and then there you are, handing him over. And the guys said your house is being cleaned out.” She shook her head.

  Had I been acting so off that she thought the only logical conclusion was suicide?

  “And you thought I’d do something cruel like that? Tell everyone else bye and let you deal with the aftermath? I know what it feels like to lose someone you deeply care about, and you think I’d willingly do that to you?”

  She sobbed, tears running down her cheeks. “I didn’t know what to think, Hayden. You were so close to Leah, her death pulled the ground out from under your feet. Then a few days ago, you suddenly turned all attentive, sweet, wanting to spend time with all the people you love. I-I didn’t know what to think and…” I watched her press her hands over her heart, squeezing as if she could reach the muscle and keep it from feeling any pain.

  I sighed, wiping her tears away before resting my forehead against hers. “I had a revelation, Katie, and it was all about you and Cory. I wanted to surprise you. I had it all planned out. I wanted to come here and talk to Leah, then go clean up before picking you up from work. I wanted to show you something and say so many things.” I chuckled. “But I’m kinda thrown now because I need to decide how I do it differently.”

  “Do what?”

  I held her eyes for a long moment, wondering if I could take her away from here and do what I had originally planned, but since she was on edge anyway, I figured it didn’t matter.