by Nancy Adams
“I feel like this is a really badly written episode of Friends,” Eleanor said, causing the rest of us to laugh.
“Actually, Jay and I are just—”
“Making custody arrangements,” Jay cut in.
“Wow, not only did you move on after dating me, but you now even have a secret child with him.”
I blushed. “Dog. We’re sharing a dog.”
“So you two dated?” Jay asked.
“For a few weeks. More like ten days. Not exactly a long relationship.”
“It was the best two weeks of your life,” Hugo said.
Eleanor laughed then. “You’re so full of yourself.”
“It’s part of my charm.”
“No it isn’t,” Eleanor and I said simultaneously.
Hugo pretended to be hurt. “Anyway,” he said pointedly, “we came to see if Sarah wanted to join us for lunch. If you’re free, why don’t you join us too?” I realized then that he was talking to Jay.
“Oh, I’m sure Jay has other things to do. Plus, I’m sure he has lunch plans already.”
“Actually, I don’t. I don’t have any plans at all.”
“But what about Sarah?”
“She has piano lessons today. Aanya’s coming to get her now.”
“Oh, umm…okay. If you don’t have anything else going on—”
“Nope, nothing. I’m all yours.”
I swallowed hard and tried not to blush. I ignored Eleanor and Hugo’s looks. All mine. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to run at his words or wrap my arms around him and ask if he really meant it.
Chapter Five
“So what are your intentions towards our Sarah?”
I dropped my spoon and stared at Hugo as if he had just lost his mind, because surely he had. Jay looked equally perplexed, and he stumbled to answer.
Hugo shot him a grin and said, “Just joking with you. I just wanted to see you get all flummoxed.”
“Why? Some sort of payback?”
“Yep. Exactly.”
“You must really hate my brother.”
“Nope. He just hates losing,” Eleanor said.
Hugo winked. “I do love to win. But seriously, whatever your intentions are towards Sarah, you better pray she doesn’t get hurt.”
“Oh my gosh, are you my dad or something?” I said, shaking my head. “Eleanor, stop him. He’s embarrassing himself and me.”
Eleanor shook her head. “You know there’s no controlling him. He’s a wild man.”
I bit my tongue and prayed that the double date would end soon. Hugo was embarrassing, and I was afraid Eleanor would mention my mother. Not that I was ashamed of her, but it was a subject that I tended to avoid.
My phone rang then, and I looked down at it surprised. Speak of the devil, I thought while excusing myself and getting up from the table. I quickly made my way to the back of the restaurant.
“Hi, Mom. Is everything okay?” I said, looking over my shoulder, making sure I was alone. I just didn’t want anyone to overhear anything. Conversations with my mom could be really telling, and I liked my privacy.
“Yes. I’m sorry to interrupt. I can call you back if you’re busy?” Her English was heavily accented, and I realized then how much I missed her voice. My heart squeezed in pain. I truly missed her, but her being away was for the best. It was how she stayed sober, until he found her again. He being my father.
“No, Mom. It’s okay. How are you doing? How are you feeling?” I leaned against the wall and looked down at my shoes while I waited for her to reply.
“Great. This place really agrees with me. Everyone’s really nice. How are you?”
“Good.”
“How’s Eleanor?”
“She’s doing great. You’re right. She’s a hard worker. An asset, really…” My voice trailed off as I waited for my mother to tell me why she was really calling. She rarely called unless she was feeling depressed or indecisive about something. She lived in Arizona and ran a maid service there. She had always been entrepreneurial. It was her entrepreneurial spirit that had stopped us from starving when Dad left us. Speaking of which, I figured he probably played a role in her calling. After all, he was her trigger, her weakness.
“That’s great. I’m glad it’s working out.” She sounded like she wanted to add more and I sighed and said, “What’s going on, Mom? It’s Dad, isn’t it?”
“Yes. No.”
I instantly knew it was a yes more than a no.
“Mom. Just tell me.” I was growing short with her, becoming perturbed knowing that what she was likely about to say would give me a migraine.
“Your dad called me. He wants to meet up.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. He didn’t say.”
“Mom…” I stood up straight and began to pace the hall. “You’re not actually going to see him, are you?”
“I thought you would be happy.”
I scoffed. “Happy? Every time he comes around he turns your world upside down.”
“Sarah, he’s your father. I thought that you would be happy—”
“He gave up his position as my father when he left us.”
“He’s apologized for that a million times.”
“It doesn’t make it hurt any less.”
“Sarah—”
“No. I’m not having this conversation with you. We’ve had this conversation how many times over the years? He’s just going to come around, make a lot of promises and then leave you. Again. And then you’ll be the one suffering, having to pick up the pieces. You’re doing so well—” My voice cracked and I tried to wipe away at a stray tear. “Don’t let him ruin your life…again. Mom, please.”
She was silent for a really long time, and I looked down at the phone to see if she had hung up. It indicated that she hadn’t, and I said with a shaky voice, “Mom?”
Her voice was heavy with sadness as she said, “I have to go.”
“Mom—” I didn’t bother saying anything else as the silence on the other end made it obvious that she had hung up.
I stared down at my phone, biting my lip, trying not to cry. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to scream or kick something, like I’m sure Libby would. But I didn’t. I just tried not to cry.
“Is everything okay, Sarah?”
I looked up to see Jay standing there. He looked genuinely concerned, and to my embarrassment the tears began to flow. I couldn’t control them, and then a sob ripped from my throat. I wanted to turn away from him, but it was too late.
He gathered me in his arms wordlessly and just held me. I cried on his chest, trying my best to stop, but I just couldn’t. His arms felt like a safe space and I forgot for those few minutes that I was in the hallway of a restaurant crying on the shoulder of someone who was virtually a stranger. A kind stranger, I thought to myself as the tears slowed and I became self-conscious. He was absently rubbing my back, not saying anything, just holding me. His arms felt gentle, yet strong. It was exactly what I needed, and at that thought I pulled away. I didn’t want to need Jay. I didn’t know Jay.
I didn’t speak as I pulled away from him and dug into my purse for a tissue. He beat me to it, taking a tissue from his pocket and handing it to me.
“Thank you,” I mumbled, turning my torso away from him to blow my nose. I then tried to muster a sense of composure.
“Are you better?” he asked.
I nodded. “Thank you.”
He stuck his hands in his pockets again and said, “Is everything alright? I don’t mean to pry, but do you want to talk about it?”
I opened my mouth to say no, but I did want to talk about it. I’d been holding it in for so long and I didn’t want to burden Libby or Marie with my problems. They had their own. Besides, my mom’s problems felt like a broken record. They were always the same. Same behavior. Same outcome. I was sure Libby and Marie were tired of hearing about it, no matter how great of friends we were.
“I, uhhh…”
“You uhh
h what?”
“Could use a quiet moment right now. But I don’t want to flake on Eleanor and Hugo.”
Jay laughed. “Those two are all over each other. I sincerely doubt they’ll even notice we’re gone, but if you don’t feel up to it, I can make our excuses and meet you out front in two minutes?”
I nodded gratefully. I watched him walk away, thinking how I had misjudged him. He was virtually a stranger, but he had readily come to my rescue twice already. That said a lot about his personal character; obviously, he was someone worth getting to know better.
I made my way outside, looking up at the sun, enjoying the feel of it against my shoulders. I tried not to think of what my dad showing up in the picture would do to my mother’s life. I felt choked up again and was relieved when I felt a tap on my shoulder, knowing it was Jay.
“Want to take a walk?”
“Yeah, that would be nice.”
We walked next to each other, not saying anything. A little park with a bench wasn’t too far from the restaurant and we made our way over to it. We sat down next to each other, and without any prompting I began to speak.
“Just so you know, I feel weird talking about this.”
“Okay. Well just pretend I’m a stranger. An impartial stranger. Like a shrink.”
I laughed. “You are a stranger.”
“Ouch, I thought we were almost best friends. After all, we share custody and all.”
I felt myself relaxing. “You are charming when you want to be.”
“I try.”
“No you don’t.”
“You’re right. Now tell me what’s wrong.” His voice was gentle, but no-nonsense.
I sighed, wondering where to start. I figured I would just start with the beginning. “I’m from Hungary, as you know. We moved here, my mother and father and I, when I was still in grade school. I don’t even know why. I guess my parents were struggling. I don’t remember, but we arrived here and my mom worked at least two jobs and Dad found full-time work with a construction company.”
I paused and looked up at the trees. Memories of those first days in the States came back to me. I remembered the sadness at leaving Hungary. I remembered the fear I’d felt about starting school in a new country. I remembered not understanding English and the headache that it had been to learn.
“Anyway, shortly after we arrived, my parents started having problems. Just arguing a lot. And eventually, years later actually, Dad left.”
“I’m sorry.” He didn’t judge or say anything to make me feel better. I respected that.
“It was hard for a while. Mom struggled, but then she started her own business. A maid service. And then she expanded it.”
“So that’s who you get your entrepreneurial spirit from?”
I nodded. “She taught me everything I know. In fact, she gave me my first loan.”
“So why do you resent her?”
I looked at him sharply. “I don’t resent her.”
He stared at me until finally I gave in and said, “You’re right. I do.” I realized then that I had been in denial. Over the years, I had become just as angry with my mother as I was with my father.
“I resent her because Dad left us, but yet she forgave him over and over again. Every time he wanted to come back, she let him.” I placed my hands on either side of me, bracing them against the bench as I struggled to keep my vice from shaking. I was upset, feeling the pain of my youth all over again, reliving those moments in my head.
“The first time he left, he was gone for years. And then after that, he would come back and stay for a month, a day or a week or two. We never knew when he was going to just pop up or how long he was going to stick around. And she let him just come in and out of our lives. At first, I was fine with it. I missed him. I wanted him around.” My voice caught and I felt Jay take my hand.
I gave him a watery smile and continued. “But I started noticing the pattern. Each time he left, she sank into a depression. A funk. It was like this dark cloud would settle over her and she was no longer herself. And then she started drinking. And it was like she couldn’t stop. I always knew when he left because she wouldn’t get out of bed and then later she would spend her days just sitting at the window staring out of it with a glass of whatever near her feet. Just drinking her life away, as if he were the only thing that mattered to her.”
“While the whole time, you’re there, watching her become the shadow of the person she once was. That had to be painful to witness.”
I swallowed hard. “It was.”
“So what happened? Was that your mother on the phone? Is she the one who made you upset earlier?”
I laughed hoarsely. “Upset is an understatement. Dad’s coming back again, and I guess she wants me to be happy about it. He’s not coming to stay. He’ll leave again and she’ll be broken again. And she’ll start drinking again, and I’m just tired of being the one who has to pick up the pieces.”
As soon as I said those words, I regretted them. I looked at Jay and saw no judgment in his eyes, just understanding, but my confession made me feel so guilty. Despite this, I wanted to tell Jay the full truth. The ugly truth that I had never shared with anyone. Not even my best friends.
I turned my face away from him, not wanting to see condemnation in his eyes as I said, “Sometimes, I just wish that he would stay gone. While other kids probably prayed for their parents to get back together, I prayed for mine to stay apart. Does that make me a horrible person?”
He didn’t answer for a long minute, and I was moving to get up when I felt him grab my arm, stopping me. He lowered me back to the bench and I kept my face turned away, fighting back tears, as I bit my bottom lip. I felt so naked, so vulnerable given that I had revealed so much. I didn’t know what I was thinking. I felt stupid and selfish.
Just as those thoughts began to run through my head, I felt Jay’s hand under my chin, curving around my cheek, gently bringing my face to face his own.
He stroked my cheek and stared into my eyes as he said, “You have a right to your feelings Sarah. No one can tell you if they’re right or wrong. I know you’re worried about me judging you, but I have no right to. I wasn’t in your household growing up. I don’t know how it feels to have one parent leave you and another forget your existence. But I do know that you’re strong.”
“I’m not strong,” I said with a humorless laugh as I stared down at my feet, no longer able to meet his eyes. “If I were strong, I wouldn’t be sitting on a park bench telling my problems to a stranger while crying.”
“Then maybe it’s time you stop crying,” he said, taking his hands up to cradle my face on each side. He pulled my face towards his and leaned in. I caught my breath and my eyes widened as he said, “And maybe I no longer want to be a stranger.”
And with those words, he kissed me. He kissed me thoroughly, not caring that we were in a public park, not caring that it was broad daylight and everyone could see us sharing a moment that I found strangely as disquieting as it was intimate.
I found myself kissing him back. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he pulled me closer, holding me around my waist. My lips pressed against his and I felt as if I couldn’t get enough of him. I felt as if my whole self demanded more of him. Apparently he felt the same way, as he dragged me even closer, crushing my chest against his own. He wound a hand through my hair and began to caress my face as he worked his lips across my own.
I sighed against his lips and slowly pulled away to take a breath, missing the feel of his lips against mine as he reluctantly ended the kiss.
His eyes were clouded with lust, but something else as well. This hadn’t been some casual kiss, of that I was sure. For either of us. And as he opened his mouth to speak, I stood up abruptly, needing to distance myself again. My heart was beating rapidly, and I was suddenly afraid. Afraid of my strong reaction to a man that I barely knew.
I refused to meet his eyes again and said, “I better go.”
As I turne
d to leave, he stopped me, grabbing hold of my hand.
I looked down at his strong hand holding my own and I wondered at that moment if this was how my mother felt when she was with my father. If this was the reason she let him back into her life, our lives, over and over again. If so, this emotion, this pull I felt towards Jay, was dangerous. I vowed that I wouldn’t let any man get that close to me. I couldn’t be vulnerable to Jay. Not in that way.
With resolve, I pulled away. “I’m sorry, Jay.”
He didn’t ask me what I was sorry for as I squared my shoulders and walked away. Jay was astute. I knew that he knew. And with a sigh on my lips, I swiped at a tear and walked away, feeling both relief and sadness when he didn’t come after me.
Chapter Six
I tried to focus on the rambunctious puppies in front of me that were diving in and out of the pool. They were technically my first real clients, and under normal circumstances I would have been elated to watch them, but I had been moody lately. Between worrying about my mother and thinking about what had happened with Jay, I couldn’t think of a reason to smile. Libby, of course, noticed right off.
She had come to visit me in between meetings. She was also an entrepreneur and did most of her business online, making it possible for her to stay home and work in her pajamas if she wanted. Sometimes, I envied her. I wished I could be at home sulking and pretending to be working while I hid from the world and my feelings. Mostly, I just wanted to hide from my feelings.
Libby had come over to tell me that they were going to see a few specialists about Ash’s condition. He had Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease. From what I understood, it was a disease that weakened his muscles. Libby assured me that he wasn’t actually getting worse, but they’d heard of a specialist who could help him. In addition to the visit with the specialist, Ash was supposed to start physical therapy once they came back. Libby wanted to be with him, so she would be traveling as well for a few weeks, leaving the soccer team they both volunteered for without a coach or an assistant coach. And hence, the reason for Libby’s visit—she wanted me to take over. I found the idea laughable.
