by Abigail Agar
Peaceful. Quiet. Heaven. After playing host to hundreds of people, he was ready to send them along. Mercy and Everett would have none of that. These people would be here until they left of their own accord or if the newlyweds no longer wanted them here.
Phin walked as far back into the garden as he could. Others could come out and stroll the gardens, but few went past the tall hedge near the back.
He ventured beyond the hedge then sat underneath an old tree, the trunk at least a metre in diameter. He used to lean against this tree as a boy.
He closed his eyes. It felt good. He hadn’t had a moment like this since before Everett’s wedding. He needed it.
“Hello, Phin. May I join you?”
Phin turned his head. “Only for you Marielle. You must know by now that I’m not fond of crowds.”
“I do know that,” she said, smiling. “Silas is a font of information.”
“Can you sit or will it ruin your dress?”
“No, I’m fine.” Marielle sat and leaned back on the tree. “Can we talk? There’s something I don’t understand.”
“Sure. But if it’s about Silas, he loves you more than I ever thought he was capable of loving anything. Just give him time. He’ll do what he can to make you happy.”
“No. Silas is fine. I will be forever grateful to you for having introduced me to him. I never thought I could be so happy. I’m here because of you, Phin.
“You drift through here like a ghost passing your guests but not touching them, not interacting with them.
“You interact with the woman you love the same way, passing through her. I don’t understand.”
Phin looked at Marielle for a long time. “I don’t either. I wish I did.”
“Phin, it’s not wise to ignore decisions until life makes them for you. When they are made for you, you are stuck with them.
“Do you know what I think? I think that happened to your Charlotte. She didn’t know what to do, what decision to make, so life made her decision for her. It was a bad decision. She is stuck with it.
“Phin, I will know you for another thirty years?” Phin nodded. “I don’t want to look at you every day for the next thirty years feeling a pit in my stomach because life made a decision for you, and you are not happy.”
Phin looked at Marielle. “You know, I saw you first. Then my brother came along and stole you away.”
Marielle bumped her shoulder against Phin’s, “That’s why I will be eternally grateful that you and I met. So you could introduce me to Silas.”
Marielle rose from the ground and stood over Phin. “Every minute we wait, is another minute life gains ground in an effort to pull our decisions from us.”
Phin watched Marielle go. He sometimes thought Marielle dropped from heaven to the stool next to him in that Parisian bistro. He knew Silas felt that way.
Phin rose and dusted off his backside. He was surprisingly calm. One half hour ago, he was fleeing guests making their way to the dining room. Now, he was walking towards that same room.
The wedding had been beautiful, and he would make sure his guests would enjoy the rest of their stay.
When he walked into the room, he saw Everett and Mercy, drinking coffee, surrounded by some of their guests.
He looked at Everett and raised his chin in greeting. Everett smiled back. He smiled and turned to leave for the hall when he physically bumped into Charlotte, on her way to the dining room with Molly.
“Charlotte,” he gasped. “Pardon. I wasn’t watching where I was going. Are you all right?”
Charlotte looked up at him, her face unsure. “Yes. I’m fine. Think nothing of it, Your Grace.”
Phin stood in front of her for a moment, blocking her way into the dining hall.
“Charlotte, I’ll meet you inside,” Molly said.
“Thank you, Molly.” Charlotte gave her a warm smile.
Phin looked around but wasn’t sure where to go where they could have a confidential conversation without Charlotte being compromised.
He swept his hand out, signalling a spot against the wall in the hallway.
“Charlotte. If possible, I would like to find a time for us to converse before you leave Collinswood to return to John’s estate. Or are you going to London?”
“No, we’re going back to his estate.”
“Do you have time in your schedule today? I would like to meet alone, under the watchful eye of your aunt, of course, but not within hearing distance of her. Say, in the meadow? Close to where the ladies sit on the patio?”
“I don’t believe Lord Silas has scheduled anything for eleven o’clock this morning.”
“Eleven o’clock it is. We’ll meet on the patio?”
“Yes, Your Grace.” Charlotte curtsied then went inside to find Molly.
***
Phin went back in the dining room to find Mercy and Everett eating alone.
“Hello, newlyweds. What did you do to get everyone to leave you alone?”
“They were smart enough to realize on their own that we would like to eat in peace,” Everett answered.
“Mercy, do you want me to find the priest and arrange an annulment? Was it all a big mistake?”
“I’ll let you know if I need you, Phin. I can tell, you want to talk to Everett. Give me a minute, and I’ll be done,” Mercy said.
Phin sat and watched Mercy.
“Phin, give her some space. Let her eat,” Everett said.
Mercy looked at Everett. “Thank you, but you don’t have to come to my aid. I had to deal with him longer than you.”
Phin started drumming his fingers on the table, and Mercy laughed. He started to whistle, and Everett told him he’d lose teeth if he didn’t stop. So he leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest, staring at Mercy.
“I’m done. I’ll be upstairs. Will you be coming after your talk to him,” Mercy pointed at Phin, “or shall I meet you somewhere else?”
“I’ll see you shortly,” Everett said.
Mercy pointed her chin and nodded. “Phineas,” she said.
Everett took a clean napkin off the buffet and loaded it with more food. He tilted his head to Phin, “Let’s go.”
Phin followed him out to the far end of the garden, and they sat on a bench.
“So, I’m going to talk with her. We’re meeting at eleven and will go in plain view out of hearing distance in the meadow.”
Everett nodded. “So far, so good.”
“Well, that’s all I’ve got.”
“Hmm,” Everett said, “the plan needs a little work.”
“Why don’t I tell her I was upset she didn’t explain why she was turning me away. Being turned away not knowing why hurt. It was like Bennett all over again. Only, I loved her, and I never loved Bennett.”
“Better. In fact, I like it. It’s to the point, explains your feelings, doesn’t excuse her actions. I like it.”
Phin got up and paced. “Good. Then what do I do?”
Everett stopped chewing his food and looked at his napkin. He smiled. “What do you mean then what do I do? You can’t figure out what you want to do next? What’s your goal here, Phin?”
Phin stopped pacing and looked at Everett. “So, it works?”
“Yes, Phin, it works. You might want to keep that in mind after you say all that good stuff; you need to have your next step ready.”
“Ev, what if I don’t have a next step?”
“Then she needs to know you don’t, so she isn’t hanging on your every word for a proposal.”
Chapter 33
When 11 o’clock mercifully came, and Phin met Charlotte on the patio, Phin told the ladies they were going for a walk in the meadow.
Phin and Charlotte were silent until they reached the bench at the top of the meadow, underneath a large shade tree. Charlotte sat, and Phin turned to the patio to see the ladies sitting in chairs, conversing. He couldn’t hear even the smallest of sounds from them. Perfect.
Charlotte opened he
r mouth to speak at the time Phin was ready to begin.
“Charlotte, I wanted to talk about what happened between us.” He paused and looked to her. “When we danced, you mentioned regret and asked for forgiveness. I think it’s best for you to know what you would forgive because I’m almost certain you don’t know.
“The best way I can explain myself is to start with Bennett. You, as every member of the ton is aware, know Bennett disowned me. It hurt. He was my father, and he never wanted to see me again. He didn’t bother to mask his hatred for me. He never had, even when I was a boy. Even so, it still hurt. But I know what I did was right. I would do it again if I needed to.”
Phin rose from the bench and began to pace. “From the time I first saw you in our parlour, I wanted to be with you, to know all about you. When we were partners during the scavenger hunt, we kissed. I decided then I wanted to marry you. I was walking on a cloud. I was in love.”
Phin put his fingertips to his for head and thought carefully about what he planned to say.
He dropped his arm and looked at her. “When you abruptly turned me away with no hint of an explanation, my world was pulled out from under me. Quinn probably told you I called every day for a fortnight. Still, I was met with silence. I felt I deserved an explanation. I still feel that way.
“At least when Bennett disowned me, he told me why. He was brutally honest with me. Although being disowned hurt, Bennett and I weren’t close. He meant very little to me.”
Phin looked up to see Charlotte crying. He wanted to go to her and soothe her, but he couldn’t. There was more to say.
He started to pace again. “When you disowned me, because, let’s face it, that is what you did, it hurt far, far worse than anything Bennett did to me. I didn’t love Bennett. I loved you.
He stopped and faced her. “Do you understand, Charlotte? I don’t want to hurt you or cause you distress, but you need to understand why this hasn’t been easy for me.”
Charlotte hung her head. She whispered, “I understand.”
Phin had to look to a grove of trees in the distance before he resolved to face her. He squatted in front of her and spoke quietly. “I’m raw. My family and friends have bent over backwards for me. For me. But I feel like a layer of my skin has been stripped off. I’m not the person I was. I’m defeated.”
Phin stood then looked down at Charlotte, crying, hanging her head. He wished he could comfort her, but he didn’t have it in him right now.
“I know I’ve hurt you. I believe you had a right to know my feelings. I do love you Charlotte, and I’m sure I always will.”
Charlotte raised her head to speak, but Phin was walking away. She watched him walk through the meadow, stopping on the patio to bend down close to Aunt Genevieve’s ear. He walked in the house and was gone.
He saw Genevieve stand and start for the meadow. He kept walking. He walked straight to the stables.
Phin decided it would be a good time for a ride, and so he galloped halfway around the lake to where the river joined it.
He got off his horse, led him to the water, and walked to the waterfall near the end of the river. The water jumped over a cluster of rocks to make a pool below. Phin took off his clothes and dove into the pool like he had hundreds of times as a boy. He could picture the younger version of Silas following him, trying his best to catch up.
He shouldn’t have done it. He shouldn’t have told Charlotte how he felt. He wanted her to understand, but the truth was too hard for her. He thought she needed to understand how he felt. Now he wondered why he put her through that? For what?
The water was cold, and he was chilled, but he didn’t want to get out. He didn’t want to go to Collinswood and face Charlotte.
John was waiting for him when he dismounted at the front door. It didn’t take him any time to figure out what John wanted to talk to him about.
He took one look at Phin and suggested they go to his study where there was a fire blazing. It would dry him and warm him. John closed and locked the door behind him and went to the decanter while Phin took a seat before the fire.
“You know why I wanted to talk to you?” John said holding a drink out for Phin.
“I do.”
“The ladies are inconsolable. They have returned to their bedchambers, although I suspect Genevieve is with Charlotte.”
Phin breathed deeply then looked John in the eyes, “When Charlotte and I danced, she asked for my forgiveness. I knew she didn’t know what she wanted to forgive me for. After I talked with her, I rode to a waterfall that feeds into the lake. I swam in the cold, cold water for a long time. I came to the conclusion that I was too hard on Charlotte, and I could have made my point with less brutal honesty and more genteel words. But I won’t apologize for the way I feel.”
John took a gulp of his whisky. “You should never apologize for the way you feel. What I want to know is what was the purpose of this disclosure? Of course, she feels bad, but she also understands how you feel. She and Genevieve know this wasn’t handled well. Everett told Genevieve the truth, and she was unmoved.” John shook his head. “But, Phin, I need to know why you did it. Because if you did it with the sole purpose of making her feel bad – you succeeded. But that was cruel.
“If you did it for any other reason, I want to hear it. Wait,” John said raising his hand to stop Phin from responding when he saw Phin preparing to speak, “you might not think I have a right to know, but as soon as Charlotte is settled, I plan to marry Genevieve. So I think I have the right to know.”
Phin nodded. “I understand, and you have every right to know. As far as to why I chose to tell Charlotte, you may not believe my reasoning behind it, but it makes sense to me, and I’m the one who has to live with it.”
Phin continued to push through his motives. “As I said, Charlotte wanted to apologize, but she really didn’t know what she was apologizing for. It was important to me for her to know how I felt and why.
“Until the scale is balanced, there can be no basis for a relationship. She disowned me. If she truly understands what she did and apologizes, the scale is balanced.”
John leaned back in his chair. “So the scales need to be balanced?”
“Yes.”
“The balanced scale is a basis of a relationship?”
“Yes.”
“I’m missing something. Where’s the relationship?”
“Well, once the situation she put me in sinks in, and she understands why she is asking forgiveness, then the scales will be balanced. Without her understanding how I feel, our relationship is doomed. It is critical she understands what she did to me so I don’t constantly question if it will happen again.
“If she comes to me and gives me the apology she said she is willing to give, I would like to start over with her and see if we still have that special feeling between us or if it’s gone.
“There is nothing more I would like than be with her. I love her; I miss her. I just hope she still wants me and that what we had is still there.”
***
Charlotte and Genevieve stayed the remainder of the day in their bedchambers. Lunch, tea, and dinner were served to them in Charlotte’s sitting room.
They turned down all request for visitors, but John was finally allowed a visit after dinner. He found two sombre ladies unable to think of what they should do.
“I spoke with Phin this afternoon. He left on horseback after talking with you, Charlotte. No one saw him or heard from him until he dismounted at the front door two hours later. He and I sat in his study by the fire.
“I told him you thought him blunt. And I asked him why he felt the need to upset you.
“He said he didn’t mean to be so blunt, but he wasn’t sure he could express himself any other way. He wanted you, Charlotte, to know the full extent of his hurt before apologizing to him. He didn’t think you knew what you were apologizing for.
“Somewhere in the muddled mess of his reasoning, he told me he loves you. He didn’t see h
ow you could possibly have a relationship with him unless you knew the extent of his hurt.
“Like I said, he wished he could find another way to say how he felt, but he couldn’t.
“At this point, an apology would go very far. I believe he will want to try to get things on track. He does love you, Charlotte. Sometimes he has a funny way of showing it.
“Personally, I don’t think he can handle rejection of this scope. You are in love with a sensitive soul, Charlotte. You must keep that in mind throughout your marriage. He is so attracted to your love of life. He soaks it up like a sponge. He needs it.”
