by Bijou Hunter
Except with Kirk, I knew I wanted sexy. In fact, I constantly thought about touching him.
Finally, I worked up the courage to make my fantasies real.
“How often do you shave?” I asked, sitting on my knees and caressing his stubbled jaw.
“Every few days. Why?”
“Just wondering,” I murmured. “How do you decide when it’s time?”
Cupping his face, I studied his rugged features. Kirk didn’t answer my question. He watched me with eyes that drew me closer.
“If you keep this up, I won’t make it four and a half years.”
“What do I care? That’s your goal, not mine.”
Kirk smiled at me, and my heart immediately raced under his gaze. He was perfection without being perfect. While I didn’t understand a lot in life, I understood this man was special.
“When you’re young,” he said, looking back at the TV, “you want to grow up fast. Once you get old, you want life to slow down.”
“I want to grow up fast because I have no power as a kid. I can’t decide anything. I can’t even make you take me to the bedroom.”
“No, you can’t, but you’re sure as hell making me second-guess my choices.”
“Good.”
Kirk avoided my gaze. “You don’t know what you want. You only know you’re lonely.”
“I’m not lonely.”
“Yeah, you are,” he said, holding my gaze. “I was like you growing up. I didn’t know who to trust or what was happening next in my life. I wanted to stay in juvie hall just because I knew what to expect. I had a life there. That’s fucked up, but that’s not so different from you wanting me here.”
“Isn’t it possible that I just want you because you’re handsome, and I’m a normal woman who likes handsome men?”
“I guess.”
I skimmed his jaw with my fingers and smiled. “You’re more afraid of this than I am.”
“Because I know what life has in store for us, and you’re too young to understand.”
“Or you’re too set in your ways, and I’m more willing to take a leap of faith.”
Kirk grinned, and my fingers stroked his smiling lips.
“I want you to kiss me,” I said after building up enough courage.
“One kiss could lead to more.”
“Fucking duh,” I said, gripping his shirt. “Ravage me.”
“Do you even know what you’re talking about?”
“I know I want these hands,” I said, taking his in mine, “on my body. I want to feel you. Most of the girls at my school have had sex already.”
“With stupid boys from your school.”
“Yeah, so they got fucked badly while I was smart enough to find a real man.”
Kirk shakes his head. “You sound like a kid playing dress up.”
“You sound like a man afraid of his own shadow.”
Sometimes, I forgot about Kirk’s temper and ego. They rarely showed up when we were together, but I’d challenged his manhood. Without thinking, he responded to my dare by gripping the back of my head and planting a hot kiss on my startled lips.
My tongue immediately slid into his mouth, wanting a better taste before he put on the brakes.
Kirk wrapped his strong arms around me. My body pressed against his until our speeding hearts beat as one. I couldn’t believe he was finally kissing me. He tasted better than anything ever. Better than even my most fantastic fantasy.
When his lips tried to leave mine, I groaned loudly into his mouth and tightened my grip. Kirk didn’t dare refuse me. I was lost in his heat, and he’d been waiting for too long to let go.
We were right there in the moment. Tomorrow promised nothing. A year from then, we might both be dead in the most random ways. Nothing was set beyond our desperate bodies pressed together wanting more than either could stand.
Nothing beautiful lasted forever. Kirk took me by the shoulders and held me away from him. My lips felt naked while my body ached with his abandonment.
Kirk’s gaze revealed he was dying inside. Despite my hunger, I smiled at knowing he wanted me as much as I did him.
My body ached to be filled. On a primal level, I understood what needed to happen to be claimed. This man owned me in so many ways, but I wasn’t his completely. Not yet, and I saw this knowledge on Kirk’s rugged face.
“Not tonight,” he said.
I thought to challenge him again, but I didn’t. Instead, I pretended to take pity on him by not pushing the subject. In reality, I was mostly worried about myself. The violent heat behind his kiss promised a sexual power capable of wrecking me. In fact, I sat next to him for the rest of the night wondering if I really was too young for what I wanted.
Despite my age, Kirk owned me in every way that mattered.
10 - Jodi
After our first kiss, Kirk stumbled over himself to avoid me. I laughed at his awkwardness. At first anyway. Then I felt him pulling away. Not just physically but his heart was closing off from me.
I knew what it was like to live with someone who cared less about you than you cared for them. I’d felt that way all my life. Now Kirk and I were falling into the same sinkhole.
Picking me up became a chore for Kirk. He began showing up late. He would say nothing before dropping me off and driving away. No more long drives or dinners together. Kirk didn’t have the balls to admit we were over. He said it in every other way.
My heart hurt in a way it hadn’t for a long time. I’d never had a moment where I knew my mom didn’t really care about me. That knowledge was always there, taunting me.
I did remember the day I realized my dad was a monster. I felt so fucking dirty like his evil was genetically transferred to me. Beyond the shame of having such a violent pervert for a father, I also realized he wasn’t capable of loving me. I had no value to him. In fact, if he were free to raise me, I’d likely end up abused by him.
As the product of two awful people, I probably shouldn’t have wanted a violent man. In theory, I could find someone else, but who in the fuck else would I love besides Kirk? No other man would ever do. Unfortunately, the one who owned my heart wasn’t capable of letting me own his.
On the last day of school before Christmas break, one of my mom’s junkie lovers was waiting for me at the apartment. The guy was as thin as a rod from too many drugs and not enough food. He sported a mullet and droopy jeans. While I couldn’t remember his name, I suspected he was most likely in love with Mom. All of the others realized she was a loser. Not this schmuck. He actually thought they would live happily ever after in a haze of drugs and wedded bliss.
“Your mama wants you to come see her,” he said to me as I climbed off Kirk’s Harley.
“I’ll think about it.”
“She misses you.”
I frowned at him, wondering if he was lying or simply stupid. The guy smiled at me, and I realized he wanted to be some kind of father figure to me. He’d bring me home to Mom, and we’d sing Christmas carols. The guy was more than just high. He was delusional.
Kirk didn’t say a single word. He was as silent with Robin’s lover as he was with me most days. Rather than speak, he walked to the man and punched him square in the mouth.
I flinched at the sudden brutality. The guy dropped to the ground without even breaking his fall. He lay stunned, barely wiping his bloodied mouth. His eyes widened as Kirk stomped down on him.
I didn’t know if I should try to stop Kirk. My loyalty remained with him, but the guy was a harmless errand boy. Dealing with weeks of being ignored by Kirk left me filled with anger and fear. The first one was always easier to deal with, and I grabbed Kirk’s arm.
“Stop it.”
Kirk shot me a nasty look that made me feel worthless.
“Don’t come back,” Kirk told the injured man.
After snapping his fingers at me, Kirk pointed to the apartment entrance. He couldn’t even manage to speak two words to me to order me inside.
I obeyed him beca
use I didn’t know what else to do anymore. I couldn’t leave him, yet staying made me feel like shit.
In the elevator, I noticed Kirk’s bleeding knuckles. Instinctively, I reached for them, but he yanked away his hand with the ferocity of someone touching fire. I stared at him the entire ride up to his apartment.
Once inside, Kirk walked to the kitchen sink and ran cold water over his knuckles. I followed him and stared until he finally gave in and acknowledged me.
“Is this what you want for your life?” he demanded.
“You being an asshole? No. If you mean seeing you beat up on losers, I don’t care about that.”
“You sure seemed to care a few minutes ago.”
“You were taking out your shit with me on that idiot’s face.”
Kirk studied me with his dark eyes, and I realized he hadn’t really, truly looked at me in weeks. Not since our kiss when he let down his guard and broke some internal Kirk rule.
“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore,” he muttered.
I grabbed a few paper towels off the roll and dabbed his damp and still bloodied knuckles.
“You’re punishing me for making you feel something.”
Kirk looked at me for a long time, and I tried not to fidget under his gaze. My hands still held his injured one.
“Having you stay here was a mistake,” he said, and his words cut me. “I mean I know why I did it, and I know your place is shit. It still makes sense, but I was fucking stupid to think I could have you here and not push things.”
“You haven’t pushed anything,” I balked. “That doesn’t make you some prince. You’ve been mean to me lately. I get ignored enough from everyone else. I don’t need that shit from you too.”
“I’m trying to do the right thing.”
“No, you’re not. You’re mad at us for doing what you don’t like, so this is our punishment.”
“I’m an asshole, huh?”
“Yeah, but I’m a bitch, so I try not to hold things against you too much. We’re flawed.”
Kirk wanted to smile, and I caught him fighting with his lips to avoid giving in.
“You have time to change,” he said.
“So do you.”
Kirk sighed. “This is why I can’t talk to you. Everything you say sounds so rational, and I think you’re right, but you’re not.”
“I’m not arguing about this with you, but I am right, and you are wrong. Trust me. I know things.”
“You do, huh?”
Smiling slightly, I let go of his hand and stepped back. “Be nice to me, Kirk Johansson.”
He finally shared my smile and then surprised me by cupping my jaw. “I’ll do my best, but that ain’t saying much.”
“It’ll do for now.”
After our mini-blowout, Kirk and I fell into an uneasy acceptance of what we had become. We were lovers who didn’t fuck and friends who didn’t trust each other. Well, I figured Kirk mostly didn’t trust himself. He still ignored me too much, and I still resented him for being so damn stubborn.
That year, we enjoyed a quiet Christmas. He bought me a yin yang necklace. I bought him a skull design lighter. Before he opened it, I teased him by saying it was a box of condoms. He wasn’t amused, but I laughed so hard at his expression that I nearly peed myself.
11 - Jodi
Every night for weeks, I imagined climbing into Kirk’s bed. I always chickened out, fearing he might reject me. The night I finally took the plunge wasn’t so different than any other night. I wasn’t sure why I needed to know on that particular Tuesday, but I forced myself off the couch at a little after two am.
First, I used the restroom. After cleaning up, I stared in the mirror. I wasn’t ravishing with my tired eyes and bedhead. Despite not feeling the least bit sexy, I stripped out of my clothes and walked into Kirk’s bedroom.
He’d fallen asleep an hour earlier. I often remained awake and listened to him moving in bed. That night, he stirred more than usual. Had he been restless like me? Had he craved my touch the way I did his?
I pulled back his sheet and crawled into bed. Kirk slept naked, and I shivered at the sight of him. His tanned and tatted skin was dark against the white sheets. Even tempted to touch him, I still hesitated.
Kirk sat up with a start, thinking he was under attack. I flinched at his sudden moment and then waited for him to wake enough to understand.
“Jodi?” he asked. He blinked rapidly in the darkness and said, “Jodi.”
The second time he said my name, his voice was filled with warmth.
“Please,” I whispered, placing my shaking hand on his chest.
Kirk’s expression was unreadable in the shadowy room. He pulled back the covers enough for me to slide closer. Once we were under the sheets, his smile erased my fears.
I was a woman before that night, but Kirk made me his woman with every kiss and hushed word. He was always tender even while demanding everything I could give. Kirk once said he would never take my innocence, and I’d laughed about having no innocence left.
In fact, our night together rekindled my innocence. My childlike belief in love and happy endings returned because of Kirk.
For as long as I could remember, I hadn’t felt loved. With Kirk, I was overcome with the feeling. It wasn’t a sweet, redemptive love, but the desperate sort. Kirk made me believe my presence alone could save him.
In the dark room on a cold winter night, Kirk looked at me with the gaze of a man drowning in a hell of his own making.
12 - Kirk
The morning after I took Jodi’s virginity, I suffered the retribution of my selfishness.
I awoke next to the best woman I’d ever known. She was beautiful and strong, and I was a fucking loser for having her in my bed. With my lust sated, I could see clearer how I’d given into my basest needs while ignoring my common sense.
Jodi was still a kid in a thousand little ways I’d chosen to ignore. I only focused on the thousands of ways she was a woman. I hated myself for taking the easy, selfish route.
I blamed Jodi too. At seventeen, she was too young for me, but she was too old to believe in fairytales. She looked at me as her savior. She believed love healed all wounds. That together we could defeat every obstacle. These were the fantasies of a hurt child in the dark, not the beliefs of a strong woman.
Pissed at us, I stayed awake long after Jodi dozed off next to me. I clearly saw my past and future. Fuck Jodi and fuck me and fuck life for putting us in the position to think we mattered.
Our hopes didn’t mean anything more than the dreams of the people at the Princess Farms Trailer Park. The men in my club had no chance of having something beautiful. To think I was better than them was a fucking loser move.
With Jodi, my common sense left me. So I left her.
Sneaking out just after dawn, I didn’t leave a note before riding off on my Harley.
I rode for hours. The sun warmed the day before shifting lowering in the sky that evening. I stopped to eat once, maybe twice. Nothing felt real anymore. I had to keep driving until I found the path back to a world, and a Kirk, that made sense.
Long after the sun disappeared, I raced through a foggy night on a lonely road deep in Georgia. Only when the cold and fog grew too overwhelming did I stop to sleep. The motel looked as beat-up as I felt.
I didn’t check my beeper to see if anyone contacted me. Before climbing into bed, I didn’t even take off my shoes. I collapsed face down on the bed, closed my eyes, and let the world fall away.
In the morning, I planned to return to Chesterfield and Jodi. I’d make things right by ending what I should never have started.
That night, though, I let myself dream the way Jodi often did. Love and destiny were all that mattered. Despite the beautiful lies, I knew in the morning I would give up the only beautiful thing I’d ever known.
13 - Jodi
Kirk left before I woke and he didn’t return for two days. I skipped out on school so I could stay at the apartment and
wait for him. Classes didn’t matter. Nothing did until I saw Kirk again.
At first, I thought he needed time to think. When he didn’t return that evening, I worried he was hurt. Had he tried taking out his frustrations in a fight and lost? Was he in the hospital? Jail? The morgue? The last thought left me in a panic, unable to do more than sit on the couch and stare at the door.
Kirk left like a whisper, but he returned like a tornado. Tearing into the apartment, he stopped for only a second when he found me sitting on the couch where I’d been for over a day.
“New plan, kid. You’re moving out. I’m moving on.”
His words didn’t register. I was so shocked to see him. Relieved yet in disbelief, I struggled to understand what was happening. After a minute, I accepted he was alive and well. I still didn’t understand what he was saying.
“What?”
“Get packing.”
“I don’t understand. Where have you been?”
“None of your fucking business. Get your shit. I’m taking you back to your place.”
I stood up and looked around, still stunned by his sudden reappearance. I’d convinced myself he was in danger. Where had he been all this time? Did he shack up with some whore while I sat around worrying about him?
“Where were you?” I asked again.
“I want you out of the apartment.”
“No.”
“Not a request. I’m leaving,” he said, reaching for the doorknob. “When I get back, I want you out of here.”
Seeing him ready to walk out again, I ran to Kirk and slapped him across the face. I hadn’t planned to hit him, but my hand had a mind of its own. Kirk lifted his hand as a reflex, and I braced for his retaliation. Once his dark eyes registered who attacked him, he lowered his hand.
His expression made me even angrier. “So you’ll break my heart, but you won’t fight me. Do you think that makes you a good guy?”
“I know exactly what I am, Jodi. I’ve been fucking trying to tell you I’m shit since we met. I don’t have a white horse, and I can’t save you. All your fairytale lies don’t change that I stole something from you that should have been saved for a better man.”
