by Bijou Hunter
“Stole?” I laughed bitterly. “Fuck you and your well-meaning bullshit. You didn’t have the balls to steal anything from me. I had to throw it at you. Slap you upside the head with it. Everything I gave you was forced on you. From the moment we met, I called all the damn shots because you were too scared. You might be older, but I’m smarter. I gave us what we needed. Now you’re gonna throw it all away.”
“You think you love me, don’t you? Well, darling, that ain’t smart.”
“I know I love you. I feel it in my bones,” I said, struggling to make sense of my tears. “You treat me like a child, but I know what I fucking know. You’re scared. Love comes with responsibilities, and you’ve been hiding from them your whole life. It’s why you don’t run the club or have a woman. It’s why you’d throw me away when you love me too.”
“Love ain’t enough, Jodi.”
“You know how I know I’m brilliant? I picked a man willing to suffer to protect me. I picked a man willing to go without so I can be safe. Too bad that man’s too stupid to realize the only way I’ll ever be safe is with him. My heart can’t belong to anyone else. You’ve claimed it, and you have no right to close the door on me now.”
I saw him trying to weasel out of the painful moment. Grabbing his hand, I held it tightly in both of mine.
“If you do reject me, it’ll be the cruelest bullshit you’ve ever done. Worse than any crime you’ve committed because you love me. You are supposed to protect what you love. You think you’re doing that by tossing me out, but you’re wrong. This right here with you rejecting me is more dangerous than you calling me your woman.”
“You’ve got all the answers, huh?”
His words didn’t hurt as much as the chill in his voice. Kirk really planned to walk away from me, and I’d never get him back. I felt him leaving, and his rejection tore away all my confidence.
Giving into my tears, I let go of his hand. “I don’t have shit besides you. You’re the only person who’s ever mattered. I know you don’t care, and I know I’m just talking to talk because if I stop, you’ll leave and I’ll be alone. Without you, I’ll always be alone. No one can know me like you do. I might try to find someone else, but he’d be my second choice, and he’d always feel that.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do know, and you know it too.”
Kirk reached out and wiped my cheeks with his thumbs. He cupped my face and studied me.
“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I look at you and see a shiny thing with so much light. If I dulled that light or fucked it up somehow, I’d hate myself. I realized long ago that no one would ever care about me, so I better care about myself. If I destroy you, I wouldn’t be worth caring about.”
“But you’re not the only one who cares about you now. You have me.”
“Yeah but for how long?”
So there was the real issue. Deep inside, past all of his worries about my age and being a good guy, Kirk’s big worry was that I’d reject him. He’d rather tear us apart now than wait for me to spring the rejection on him later.
“You think I’ll outgrow you.”
“Why wouldn’t you? You’re seventeen.”
Wiping my eyes, I tried to calm myself. “You’re not done growing. I see you sometimes thinking about shit, and I think you want more than to settle with life. You want to do more, but you’re stuck. That’s not age. That’s a choice. Your life was stale because you settled. You don’t have to do that.”
I blew my nose and took a deep breath. “I know about settling because I was going to settle before I met you. I was gonna find the best shitty job I could and hook up with the best shitty man I met, and I was going to find little moments of happiness in my otherwise shitty life. That was it. With you, I don’t even think about the future. It’s too big to know and way too big to fucking control.”
“You really are a smart chick.”
“And you’re a good man when it comes to me. I don’t care about what you do with other people. Well one day if we have kids, I’ll want you to treat them good. I know you will too. You treat your own like magic. That’s not something you need to be taught. You just do it.”
Kirk stared at me for a long time, and I saw him working shit out in his head. By the time he spoke, he looked rather defeated.
“I wanted you out of the apartment.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“I just fucking told you I did a few minutes ago.”
“Never happened.”
Kirk laughed quietly. “Stubborn Jodi Sears will be the end of me.”
“Do you want it any other way?”
Kirk’s dark eyes studied my face again, and then he wrapped his strong arms around me. “Hell no.”
“Then you never wanted me to leave. None of that happened.”
“How do we explain the bruise you gave me?”
“Shut the fuck up,” I said, feeling guilty for hitting him. “Never happened. I wouldn’t hurt the man I love.”
“No, you wouldn’t.”
“And you wouldn’t send me away.”
“No, I wouldn’t.”
“It was a bad dream,” I whispered as his lips nuzzled at my throat. “Now we’re awake, and none of it happened.”
14 - Jodi
Despite spending hours wrapped together with Kirk in bed everyday, I never thought I’d get pregnant. Based on my sex education class, I viewed condoms as a protective wall between me and motherhood. Somehow, the wall was faulty like most things in Chesterfield.
I knew I was pregnant before I missed my period, but I didn’t tell Kirk. The day I took the test, I left school early so I’d have the apartment to myself. Smoking a cigarette while waiting for the result, I paced around the apartment and heard a mental clock ticking. A positive result would be a bomb going off.
Holding the test, I cursed under my breath and threw my cigarette in the toilet. Next I cried. All of my old fears about becoming Robin resurfaced. Kirk would ditch me, and I’d fuck any man willing to give me the time of day. I’d spend my days wasting away in a trailer park while raising a kid who didn’t like me.
Except that wouldn’t happen. Even if Kirk dumped his kid and me, I wasn’t Robin. I didn’t like men enough to beg for their attention. In fact, Kirk was the only guy I ever wanted. The rest could fucking disappear for all I cared.
Crying alone in the apartment, I told myself I was capable of being a good mom. How hard could it be to be better than Robin? As long as I fed the baby, kept it clean, gave it an occasional hug, and didn’t beat the shit out of it when it pissed me off, I’d be miles ahead of most of the mothers I knew.
By the time Kirk arrived at the apartment, I had hidden the test and washed away my tears. I planned to keep this baby. Kirk and I made it, and I wanted it, and that was that.
Except Kirk might not agree, so I didn’t tell him that night.
Or that week.
Or that month.
I got into such a habit of not telling him that making my big announcement soon felt impossible.
Kirk was relaxed with our situation. He stopped all of the bitching about our ages and enjoyed my company. We were happy, and I didn’t plan to stop being happy. The truth could wait until the right time, or until the baby fell out of me. I was leaning toward the latter.
Three months after I peed on the test, I was cramming for finals. Kirk was at a club meeting and didn’t plan to be home for hours. When he finally arrived, he walked into the kitchen and returned with a beer in his hand. He took a gulp while studying me.
“Want some?” he asked.
My mind immediately flashed to the tiny person inside me. As much as I could use a little buzz, I shook my head.
Kirk nodded and then leaned against the wall. “How long have you known you’re pregnant?”
I stared at him in horror, unable to understand how he saw past my amazing deception.
“What?”
“You haven’t been
smoking for weeks. You keep saying no to liquor. Plus you got that belly now.”
I frowned down at my belly and then back at him. “I’m not getting rid of it.”
“Sounds about right.”
“You’re not mad?” I asked, suspicious of his calm demeanor.
“For what? I was in charge of the condoms. I’m not gonna blame you for me failing at my job.”
Kirk joined me on the couch and patted my knee. “Hiding this from me wasn’t a very mature move.”
“Fuck off.”
Grinning, he leaned over and kissed the top of my head. “Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”
“I was waiting for me to get through the first trimester. I read in a book I found at the library that waiting was smart.”
“So it said not to tell your man until after the first trimester?”
“Yes,” I said, fighting a smile. “I was scared you were going to make me get rid of it.”
“That doesn’t sound like me. I’m a laidback guy.”
Rolling my eyes, I muttered in my version of Kirk's voice, “I’m too old, and you’re too young. This ain’t happening, kid. Life don’t have no rainbows and pineapples.”
“Pineapples, huh?”
“Well when you start bullshitting me with the age thing, I stop listening.”
“Fair enough,” he said, holding my hand.
“I love you, and I love the baby. I’m glad you’re not freaking out, but I’m also scared because you’re not freaking out.”
“You’re having my son. That’s a good thing, Jodi.”
“It’s a girl,” I said immediately.
“Do you know that for sure because I sense it’s a boy.”
“You’re wrong. I had a dream. I’m already thinking names. I like Tiara.”
Kirk grinned. “We’re not naming our daughter something silly. Sorry, Jodi. You can run me around like your fucking bitch on most things, but I refuse to have kids will stupid names.”
“Well, I’m not naming our son Kirk Junior. I hate that stuff.”
“I’m Kirk Junior.”
“Oh, sorry,” I said, patting his hand in fake sympathy. “I should call you KJ.”
“We’ve got lots of time to talk names.”
I exhaled hard and let the realization of this moment take hold.
“I was really nervous about your reaction.”
“I know. You’re probably right to worry. I’m not used to having anyone depend on me like you do. I’ll probably fuck up a lot before I stop fucking up.”
“At least, you’re honest about it.”
“That I am.”
Kirk removed the pillow from in front of me and rested his hand on my stomach.
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m hungry a lot, and I cried yesterday at school because my French fries were soggy at lunch. Otherwise, I feel okay.”
“Well, I guess we better feed you more so my boy can get big and strong in there.”
“It’s a girl, Kirk.”
“Said your dream. My gut says otherwise.”
“I want a girl.”
“We’ll have a second kid, but we won’t name her Tiara.”
“How about Heaven?”
Kirk kissed me softly and then stood up. “Not fucking happening. I’ll buy you a baby name book, and you can start looking for something to name our son.”
I rolled my eyes, but somehow Kirk saying we were having a boy made me really think we were. In fact, I stopped worrying about girl names immediately.
“We can’t have a kid here,” Kirk said from the kitchen.
I walked to where he dumped a can of ravioli into a pan.
“We can put the baby in the bedroom with us.”
“My boy needs space to run. He’ll need a dog too. No space in here for a boy and his dog.”
Smiling, I leaned into his body. “I wish I told you sooner. I’ve been nervous about things. Now all that scary stuff has disappeared.”
“I’m going to figure out what to do about our living situation. I have ideas.”
Kirk’s tone killed my smile. He was intimidating as hell when his brain snapped into overdrive. I didn’t know what his ideas entailed, but I figured they were bigger than finding a new apartment.
15 - Kirk
Jodi finished her junior year of high school while carrying my son. We still didn’t know the gender, but I felt in my bones that my woman was carrying a boy.
Each morning, I woke up and watched Jodi sleep. Her blonde hair usually covered her face, blocking the sunlight. She always slept on her back, with her hands resting next to her shoulders. Looking so vulnerable, Jodi needed more than Chesterfield offered.
The town wasn’t the worst I’d seen, but the schools were bad, the people were rude, and violence broke out randomly. For my woman and son, I expected more.
Ideas spun in my head for a while before I made my move. I wasn’t scared as much as wary. I knew the men in Memphis could help me. They might also shoot me where I stood. I never feared dying before, but I had people to take care of. Death was no longer an option.
Arlo James was a roly-poly shaped guy I met back in juvenile hall. He and his buddy Jeff Goldstein broke into an old lady’s house on a dare. They got caught and spent three months locked up. Both were soft, rich boys perfect for beatings. More than once, I stepped in to help them. Mostly, I liked pounding on people and helping them gave me a reason.
Even with a plush fucking life, Arlo grew up to be cold inside. He was quick to kill if he could make money and take territory. He remembered how I helped him out in juvenile hall and gave me a chance to help him again when he took power in Memphis.
After all of these years, we retained a sort of friendship. He used to call on us to do his dirty enforcement work. Though not as much anymore. There were other clubs with harder members, willing to do uglier things with better results. The Chesterfield Vandals made messes when Arlo wanted precision.
In late June, we met for lunch at a barbecue joint in Memphis. He brought several big guys along, but they sat near the door and gave us privacy.
“I have a kid on the way,” I said after a few minutes of chit chat. “My woman still has a way to go, but I’m thinking about the future.”
“Children are a blessing.”
I thought about how Arlo remained childless and realized he and I weren’t so different. We thought our world was too ugly for families. Jodi changed my way of thinking.
“There’s a college town in Kentucky run by a small group of moonshiners. They run drugs too, but they started out as moonshiners, and they don’t have the brains to do much more. They’re small and disorganized but violent,” I said and then got to my point. “With your help, I want to build a new club, take over that town, and give my family a quiet place to live.”
“What’s in it for me?”
“The college town has untapped potential. Taking it would give you a pathway to expand your territory outside of Tennessee.”
Arlo tapped his fork against his plate. “Tell me about the club you’re building.”
“I’d take a few guys from the Vandals. They’re older and less impressed by our leadership. I know other guys around Chesterfield and in Tennessee. They’re not in clubs, but they’re loyal. Smart guys with experience.”
“Think your current club will give you trouble?”
“I don’t think they’re smart enough to know to give me trouble. They think of the club as a social thing. The business side doesn’t interest them. It’s like the fucking Boy Scouts with pussy, drugs, and booze.”
Seriously considering the plan, Arlo scratched his balding head and frowned. “Will the moonshiners be easy to remove?”
“No, it’ll be bloody, but they have no reason to see me coming. They’re like a lot of crews in Kentucky. Disorganized, only thinking about this job or that mark. With the right kind of leadership, Kentucky could belong to you.”
“What do you need from me?”
“And you just came up with all this since you got a kid coming?”
“I’ve always thought about stuff, but the Vandals don’t have the organization to make those kinds of moves.”
Arlo was interested in my idea, but he didn’t trust anyone and needed to poke at me before agreeing.
“I thought clubs were about loyalty to your brothers.”
Arlo’s dark eyes made me feel like a fucking chump. I wondered what my dark eyes made him feel.
“I joined the Vandals because I knew one fucking guy. He’s dead now. What do I care about loyalty to a group of kids playing tough guys?”
To make me squirm, Arlo ate the rest of his meal before talking about my plan again.
“I’ll back you, but if you’re underestimating these moonshiners, it’ll be your ass. I won’t send reinforcements. I’m not investing my reputation in this scheme. Money and weapons, I can recoup. A damaged image never goes away.”
“Fair enough.”
Arlo leaned back in his chair and yawned. “I don’t see you doing daddy duty, Kirk.”
“And I never saw you being a badass when we met back in juvie. Shit, didn’t you cry the first day?”
Grinning, Arlo nodded. “Yes, I did. Point made. I wish you the best of luck with the family man routine. Is your kid’s mother okay with you wiping out moonshiners to get her a new zip code?”
I wiped my mouth. “My woman is mine so you know she’s got balls of steel.”
Arlo laughed, and the mood shifted to talking about sports. That was that. He would back me unless I fucked up. Then I was on my own. Fortunately, I didn’t plan to fuck up.
