Safe Word

by Christie Grey

  “And...?”

  “And it didn’t go over well,” he admitted. “But anyway, enough about that.”

  “What? No! Keep talking,” Melody demanded, hiccupping mid-sentence.

  “No. I don’t like talking about her or thinking about that time.”

  “Oh. Sorry.”

  As they walked together in silence, Melody couldn’t help but wonder what sort of kinky sexual preferences Zane had – and whether he was still nursing a broken heart. Considering that they lived under the same roof, there was still an awful lot about that man that was a mystery to her.

  She also couldn’t shake a sudden feeling of...what, resentment? She didn’t know why she would be angry. She’d asked Zane about his past and he had answered. All he had done was tell the truth. And yet it infuriated Melody. With mounting horror, she realized she was, without a doubt, insanely jealous to learn that Zane had been in love with another woman.

  Chapter 07

  Melody and Zane had been living together for months. Where had the time gone?

  It was an unusual arrangement, but it worked well for Melody.

  Not having to pay rent meant that she was free to continue with her freelance web design jobs, not having to look for something that paid better. It took a lot of the pressure she had felt while living under her parents’ roof off and she finally felt she could relax again. It was about time.

  She could only assume the arrangement was working well for Zane, too.

  He kept out of her way, often leaving the condo early in the morning and not returning until nightfall. He didn’t offer details about where he had been or what he had been doing, and she didn’t ask. It didn’t seem like it was any of her business. Besides, the last time she had been nosy and asked him personal questions hadn’t gone so well. She hadn’t liked his answers.

  Melody sternly told herself that Zane’s love life – past or present – was none of her business. She tried very hard to remember that. She also tried very hard not to think about the woman he had been in love with back in Australia, because the thought of Zane with someone else made her blood boil. “It doesn’t matter” became her mantra and she did her best to act indifferent, hoping that if she played the part well enough, fiction would become fact.

  But sometimes when he arrived home in the evening, she stood a little too close to him. It didn’t only make her head spin to be in such close physical proximity to him. It also allowed her to check his collar for the lingering scent of perfume, a telltale sign that he had been out with another woman.

  There never was any, thank God.

  That was, in all honesty, the only complaint about living with Zane that Melody had. No matter how many times she tried to talk herself out of it, she couldn’t get over the massive crush she had developed on him. Actually, “crush” didn’t seem like a strong enough word. Sometimes she worried that her feelings for him were bordering on obsession!

  She knew she couldn’t keep replaying that brief kiss they’d shared or obsessing over the sexual tension between them that she hoped she wasn’t imagining. It wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t normal. It was torture.

  The worst part was that Zane hadn’t tried anything. There had been no drunken groping and no late night knocks at her bedroom door looking for action. He had been a perfect gentleman. Normally that wasn’t something Melody would complain about but she didn’t want Zane to be respectful and keep his hands to himself. She wanted those hands all over her!

  On the surface, it appeared Zane wasn’t interested in her. And yet Melody couldn’t miss the way his eyes lingered on her sometimes, watching, wanting. Was she crazy or was there longing written all over his handsome face?

  Clearly she was, in fact, crazy. If he truly did want her, why hadn’t he tried anything?!

  Trying to subscribe to the harsh but well-intentioned mantra that he just wasn’t that into her, Melody decided it was time to start dating again. She didn’t particularly want to, but how else was she going to meet a guy? How else was she going to hit all the milestones her friends had already achieved, like getting married and having babies?

  It was time to get back on that horse and start putting herself out there again.

  It wasn’t that Melody had ever made a point of stopping, but life had gotten in the way. After her last unremarkable relationship had ended, she had thrown herself into school. And then she’d found herself wallowing in misery. Before she’d known it, she’d withdrawn from the program she’d fought tooth and nail to qualify for and she was re-evaluating her entire life plan in a bid to save her sanity.

  While all that had been going on, dating hadn’t been very high on her list of priorities.

  But one Friday night she decided to make it a top priority.

  It was time to get back in the game, even if she had to half-force herself to do so.

  Melody took extra care with her appearance that evening. She teased her hair until it was full and voluminous and gave herself a “smoky eye” look that made her green eyes pop. She put on her tightest, most curve-hugging little black dress and her highest heels that made her feel like sex on legs.

  She wasn’t necessarily looking to go out and get laid. Actually that was the last thing she wanted. The thought of having sex with a complete stranger didn’t appeal to her much at all. But she wanted to make an impression. She wanted to be sexy, desirable and memorable. She wanted to be noticed and lusted after.

  Zane was home that night, sprawled out on the couch in the living room with a drink in one hand and the TV remote in the other. But when Melody walked by, her sweet perfume lingering subtly in the air, he seemed to forget all about the television.

  His eyes followed her as she paused to check out her reflection in the full length mirror by the door. She could feel them on her as she leaned in close and scrutinized her makeup. Hopefully that meant she looked okay!

  Usually subtle peach lip gloss was Melody’s go-to, but tonight she had opted for something more dramatic and far sexier: dark red lipstick. The pop of crimson made her eyes look even greener, and made her lips look full and kissable. If that didn’t send a message to the guys the bar, she didn’t know what would.

  After doing a little twirl to see what her dress looked like from the back, Melody figured it was time to go. She tucked her clutch under her arm and reached for the doorknob. Then she glanced back over her shoulder. Zane was still looking at her, completely ignoring the TV.

  “Have a good night!” she called, giving a little wave.

  “Wait.”

  She paused in the doorway, turning around to face him. “What?”

  “Where are you headed tonight?” he asked.

  “I’m going to go into the city to meet up with a couple girls I went to school with.”

  “Where are you meeting up with them?” he asked. It was unlike him to question her like that.

  “Some bar we used to go to back in the day,” she shrugged. “I haven’t been there in ages but one of my friends just called off her engagement and wants to put herself back out there. Apparently tonight is singles night at the bar and, well, we figured why not?”

  Zane raised an eyebrow, an unimpressed expression on his face.

  “What is it?” she asked, stepping fully back inside and shutting the door behind her.

  Zane pursed his lips in disapproval. If she wasn’t mistaken, there was a flash of jealousy in his eyes. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” he asked, standing up and tossing the remote control aside. “It doesn’t sound like much fun to me. And I know you. I don’t think it will be much fun for you, either.”

  Melody shrugged. “What else am I supposed to do, start collecting cats?”

  “No, but you could stay in and hang out with me. Am I really that unbearable?”

  “What? No, of course you’re not. I love hanging out with you. But Zane, I need something more than just being your beer buddy,” Melody tried to explain, wondering why she was even having to explain herself to him in t
he first place. Shouldn’t her motivations be obvious? Was it really so difficult to understand why she wanted romance in her life?

  He looked crestfallen. “I thought you were happy here with me?”

  “I am,” Melody replied quickly, sorry to hear how hurt he sounded. “What you’ve done for me is amazing. I love living here and I love spending time with you. But I’m almost 29, which is practically 30. I’m completely freaked out about that. Nearly all of my friends are getting married and popping out kids...”

  “Is that what you want?” he interjected.

  “No. I don’t know. Maybe,” she answered, her uncertainty showing. “I don’t know what I want yet. All I know is that I need my life to start moving forward instead of moving backward or staying stagnant. Does that make sense?”

  Instead of answering, Zane took a step forward and pinned Melody against the wall, kissing her hard on the mouth. She was so stunned that at first, she didn’t react at all. She didn’t even kiss him back...until she did.

  Before she knew it, their tongues were engaged in a slow, sensual dance. The stubble on his chin tickled her smooth, soft skin as he drank her in like she was an oasis in the middle of the desert. Her entire body went warm and tingly as she breathed in Zane’s delicious, intoxicating scent.

  Then she came to her senses.

  She pulled away and stared up at him, her back still up against the wall. She looked at him expectantly, waiting, wondering. Her eyes searched his for answers, but she received none. Instead, she saw doubt wash over him.

  “Sorry,” he muttered, taking a step back to give Melody her space. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  Her heart sank and she let out the breath she hadn’t known she was holding. “Oh.”

  “I didn’t mean to ruin your night,” he said apologetically.

  “You didn’t,” she replied softly, the taste of his mouth still lingering enticingly on her tongue.

  “Are you still going tonight?” he asked.

  “Uh, I don’t know,” she replied honestly. Then, deciding to give Zane one last opportunity, she boldly added, “I guess I’ll go unless you can give me some reason why I shouldn’t. Can you?”

  Melody had given Zane more than enough chances to act on the sexual tension between them. In fact, had it been any other guy being so hot and cold she would have written him off long ago. But Zane was different. He was worth waiting for. He was worth fighting for. He was her best friend in the world and she wanted him more than she’d ever wanted anyone or anything.

  So Melody stood there waiting expectantly, hoping Zane would finally admit what was becoming increasingly obvious. Her attraction to him wasn’t one-sided. He wanted her, too. The writing was on the wall...or at least she thought it was. So she waited, and she hoped.

  But Zane didn’t say what she was waiting for. In retrospect, it would have been kind of overdramatic of him to fall to his knees and declare his undying love for her. That only happened in the movies, right?

  Instead, he said, “I don’t think you should go. Meeting guys at a dive bar is a terrible idea.”

  “Why’s that?” she asked, annoyed by the turn the conversation had taken.

  “It’s not your style.”

  Disappointed by his deflection, Melody demanded, “What does that even mean?”

  He waved his hand to dismiss her question. “I shouldn’t interfere with your life. It’s just...I don’t think you should go. But that’s me being selfish, I guess. I hate the thought of you with another guy,” he confessed, finally touching on the truth. “To tell you the truth, I hope you don’t meet anyone tonight.”

  “Yeah, that is kind of selfish,” Melody agreed, her patience wearing thin. “We’ve known each other for how long now? If you wanted to make a move you’ve had plenty of chances. Hell, I even made a move – and you rejected me.”

  “It wasn’t like that,” he protested. “I didn’t reject you.”

  “You did. I was there.”

  “Melody...”

  “No, I’m talking now,” she told him firmly, unwilling to hold her tongue any longer.

  He wasn’t the type to be silenced easily, but he must have been momentarily rendered speechless because he stood there silently, looking surprised by the change that had come over her.

  “You had your chance and didn’t take it. You’ve made it clear you’re only looking for a friend and fine, I love being your friend. But I need more than friendship in my life, Zane. And now you’re trying to make me feel guilty for wanting to go out and have a social life and possibly even meet someone. How is that fair?”

  “You think I don’t want you? You think I don’t spend every minute of every day wanting you?” Zane roared as his frustration came to a head. “All I think about is you, Melody! Even when we’re just goofing around, all I can think about is you. All I can focus on is what I want to do to you. And that’s the problem. Why can’t you understand that?”

  He sounded angry. He sounded hopeless. And it made no sense.

  “Hold on, back up,” she ordered, grabbing his arm and dragging him over to the couch. She sat down and he reluctantly did the same. Then, turning to face him, she demanded, “I want you to tell me straight up why you’re being so...so...so infuriating! Spill it.”

  He looked like he wanted to put his fist through a wall. “I want you but I can’t have you. It’s hell,” he growled. “Sometimes I wonder if not seeing you at all would be easier than this. Seeing you every day, being able to look but not touch? It’s torture. But I can’t stand the thought of you not being in my life.”

  Melody’s mouth was dry and her head was spinning. “What makes you think you can’t have me?” she whispered. Her heart was pounding and her face felt flushed. “You could have had me. All you had to do was say that you wanted me. You could have had me.”

  “That’s the thing,” Zane tried to explain, his voice cracking. “You say that, but you have no idea what you would be getting yourself into. I already know from the way things were with my ex that I can’t do normal relationships. Eventually I will crave more. I need it rough and kinky and all kinds of fucked up. I can’t do that to you.”

  “Why can’t you?” she challenged him, unwilling to give up as easily as he had seemed to. “What if I want it?”

  “You don’t,” he said flatly.

  “How do you know?” Melody shot back.

  Though she wasn’t about to tell Zane, she had often thought about his admission that he was into kinky sex. She had spent many a night alone in her bed wondering what sort of things he was into, imagining it and envisioning herself giving him everything and anything he’d ever wanted.

  Her thoughts about it – and about Zane – were hot. They were, in fact, x-rated. She was more than ready to find out if reality lived up to her fantasies.

  To say she was curious was an understatement. For all he had shared with her, Melody knew he held a lot back. Zane was that mysterious lone wolf, a puzzle just waiting to be solved. He was unattainable, the candy she longed for but couldn’t have.

  Or at least he had been. Now she wasn’t so sure.

  Zane looked conflicted.

  Melody, on the other hand, knew exactly what she wanted. The real question was whether she would ever be able to have it. But she wouldn’t know if she didn’t try. Melody’s years spent in academia vying for acceptance into a prestigious program, had taught her how to go after what she wanted. Sometimes you had to be aggressive. Sometimes you had to make things happen. Seize the day, right?

  Taking a deep breath, she reminded Zane, “I made a deal with you when I moved in here. I agreed to spend one night a week with you and in return, you said I got to choose how we spent that time. Do you remember that?”

  “Yes, of course I do.”

  “Here’s the deal,” Melody told him, summoning every ounce of boldness and courage she had. “I will cancel my plans tonight on one condition. That condition is that you have to teach me. Tell me what you want. Sh
ow me what you want. That’s the only way we’ll ever know if we’re compatible, right?”

  “Are you talking about what I think you are?”

  “Sex,” she nodded. “That’s the difference between friendship and a relationship, right? Well, that and romance. But anyway, don’t you think we owe it to ourselves to see if we can make a relationship work? Don’t you think we owe it to ourselves to see if we can make sex work?”

  “The guy who gets you will be the luckiest bastard in the world,” Zane marveled, looking as though he could hardly believe what Melody was proposing. “But it can’t be me. Don’t get me wrong – I want you. God, do I want you. But I can’t risk losing you. I can’t risk hurting you. We shouldn’t be together...not like that.”

  “Zane,” Melody pointed out with exaggerated patience, “I’m practically already dating you. Think about it. We’re both single. You’re the only man in my life and I think I’m the only woman in yours. We live together and we hang out together. We’re basically in a sexless marriage, no?”

  “Yeah, I guess we kind of are,” he agreed.

  “So what’s better than a sexless marriage?” she coached.

  “One with sex?” he guessed.

  “Exactly!” she exclaimed. “So do it. Teach me. Maybe our sexless non-marriage can turn into something more. I don’t know about you but I’d much rather try having, uh...unusual sex with you than let some drunk stranger at a bar shove his tongue down my throat.”

  Zane’s face darkened. He was definitely jealous. “Yeah, don’t do that.”

  “So?” she pressed. “Are you in?”

  He hesitated. “Melody, I’m completely crazy about you but I can’t do that to you. I won’t. It would be selfish of me to expose you to the stuff I’m obsessed with.”

  “Then I’m leaving,” she told him, putting the pressure on. She picked up her clutch and turned back toward the door. She had no intention of leaving, of course, but Zane didn’t need to know that. The only way to reach boiling point was to turn up the heat.